AUTHORS NOTE! Okay, this story was written by about 12 people. It was started at the end of season 6, and finished just before the start of season 8, long time I know. But we have all out a hell of a lot of effort into it, we hope you like it, and find it as funny as we did. There is no real pairing in this story (it's a battle between two) and its TOTALLY AU! But, it is a comical twist on the season 6 final. So, sit back, start reading, and have a laugh. Just don't die from laughing…
ALSO….a MASSIVE thanks to everyone who helped write this. There is about 12 people who did write it, and it features over 20 who helped with ideas, editing and storylines. So thanks to all. You may find this on other peoples accounts as well. We worked together on this, so we are all posting it, we all have different people on alert lists so we this was we can get it out to as many people as possible. Hope you like it!
Love NCISchick and all the Lagrameki Jamely family! Xoxooxoxox
DISCLAMIER! Right, as much as we would like it to be ours, its not. It all belongs to CBS and DPB. Unfair I know.
The guy snatched Ziva's necklace off. He grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her head backwards, so he could her face.
"Tell me everything you know about NCIS."
She looked at him through a limp eye, the other was swollen. She made herself look weaker than she was. She was waiting for her captor to get careless, for her chance to escape.
The capture went to turn away when, BANG! 20 (or so, I've lost count now) crazy NCIS fans burst in to the room, paper clips at the ready!
"It's on!" Mel said as they attacked him. Grace released Ziva and told her to get out of there; they had some things to deal with. (Namely the guy and Shane Brennan)
30 seconds later...
Ziva ran out of the room gun at the ready, paper clips attached to her earrings so she could get to them fast, running down the hall she looks back in the room to see the guy is being beaten to a pulp by Meg, Laura, Mel, Alice, Jaz, Kirsty, Holly, Grace, Emily, Yun (sorry I forgot you b4), Harry and Silver, Viva, Bella, Piper, Jess, Ev, Grace, other Laura (who else now) and everyone else who had all tracked down Ziva and come to her rescue. Ziva ran out of there, shooting anyone who got in her way, finding the exit she ran for it, and went and hid up a tree. (Semper Fidelis- anyone remember?) After only a few minutes the other all came running out. Ziva jumped down from the tree and hugged them all in thanks, then asked how they were going to get away from here.
"Easy, we'll take the jet." Grace explained.
"Where the hell did you get that?" Ziva asked in astonishment.
"Yeah, about that...ummm, lets just say that SecNav will be a little bit, well to put it lightly, pissed at us when we get back." Kirsty answered.
"Oh my God!" Ziva sighed.
"All right everybody in, we need to leave NOW! Or else we won't get be back before dark." Laura called from the plane.
They all ran over and got in, sitting down they buckled up ready for take off.
Mean while Meg and Grace were in the cockpit trying to remember how to turn it back on.
"No! It's not that button! It's this one!" Grace argued.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, that's the button for dropping the cargo!" Meg said in response. Just then Alice came in. "what are you guys doing?"
"Trying to figure out how to turn this thing on!" they both yelled.
"My God, guys, I told you before you have to put the KEY in!"
"Whoops, that's right" the other two said at the same time.
"Thanks" Grace said as she turned it on. "All right, off we go! WHOO HOO" with that the plane lifted off the ground and up in to the sky.
They were up in the air and Kirsty, using her many years of life experience (a whole 22 now right?) was fixing Ziva up.
Meanwhile in the cockpit...
"We're not going to crash the wedding yet!" screamed Meg. Alice had her hands over her ears.
"Why not?" Grace replied angrily.
"Because they're not up to the right part yet!" Laura informed calmly.
"That leaves us just enough time to get to Shane's place and take care of him." Mel said.
Meg and Grace went to go steer the plane in the right direction- too bad they each thought it was different ways.
"It's clearly right."
Alice once again stepped in, "It's straight ahead."
"We knew that." they said in unison.
"And that is why you have to get together with Tony." Kirsty finished with Jas, Holly and Silver nodding in agreement.
"How do you now so much about me?" Ziva asked, seriously disturbed at their biography on her and Tony and what she had been up to in the past 5 years.
"Oh we have our sources." Jaz grinned before the other's stated "MWU HA HA HA Haing"
Ziva started laughing along, trying to ease the awkwardness.
"No" Silver said.
"Why not?" Ziva asked, she was beginning to enjoy it.
"Because only we can do that" said Holly.
"Everyone, get changed into your out fits, we are landing at the church soon!" Kirsty said as she headed out of the office they were using for getting dressed and makeup.
"What are you talking about now?" Ziva asked
"It's Michael's wedding day, we are crashing it, and he is not marring that WITCH!" Jaz said as she headed in to get dressed and have her makeup done.
Everyone came out dressed perfectly for the wedding... well except Alice- she came dressed as the Bride.
"Alice, we've been over this, you cannot marry him."
"Why not?" she asked, very close to tears.
"Because umm uh..." Laura trailed off looking around for help from the others.
"You're not old enough yet!" Kirsty said quickly.
"Right..." Alice got up and changed into something more appropriate.
"More like he's marrying me." Meg muttered.
"Huh?" asked Jas.
"I said let's take down this BOC!" Everyone looked on confused except Laura. Meg told her what it stood for once.
"Batch of Cookies." Meg told them as a tumble weed appeared from nowhere.
"What is 'a batch of cookies'?" Ziva asked
"A witch with a B."
"Oooh right" everyone nodded. As they all pulled paperclips from their belts Grace's voice came over the intercom. "Wedding in sight."
"Wait, weren't we supposed to take care of Shane?" Silver asked.
Everyone shrugged their shoulders.
"It is too late now." Ziva said as the plane began its decent...
Landing in the car park, they raced out and across the yard, they burst in just as the Priest said the make or break words "speak now or forever hold your peace (is that the right ones?)"
With that all at once every one of them screamed "STOP!"
"Huh? What the heck?" Michael asked as he turned around.
"She's a witch!" Meg screamed out as the all sprinted forward to the front
"What, no she is not! Now leave, before I call the cops" Michael responded.
"Look!" Holly called as she said a few words. With that BOC turned in to a horrible green looking witch with a MASSIVE pimple on her nose. "EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" the crowd cried in horror. (In a witchy voice) "You little brats! You blew my cover! Now I will have to turn you in to a...a..." But was cut off with Ziva throwing a bucket of water on her. "!" BOC cried as she started melting. "!" the others cried as she disappeared.
The Priest couldn't help but do a happy dance; he really didn't like her. "Three cheers for the NCIS girls and boys! Hip, hip" He started.
"Hurray!" the crowed cheered.
Michael stood there in shock as he watched people cheering for complete strangers turning his fiancée into a puddle of well, he didn't want to even think about what it was.
"Tony?" asked Ziva.
Michael looked up.
"STOP!" cried Holly.
Both looked at her confused.
"You're supposed to be in different universes but it was crucial for us to break the barrier. You see both our missions were crucial and well... Michael plays Tony and Cote is actually Ziva at the moment."
"Umm can you repeat that... I was drawing monkeys." Meg piped up. Grace looked over her shoulder at the dirt monkey picture she had drawn in the left over from BOC.
Everyone was staring.
"What you want to see too? Ow! Laura, why'd you Gibbs slap me!"
"Because we can all see your monkeys later, right now Holly needs to explain that in simple terms."
"I did." Holly replied.
Kirsty sighed before linking it to NCIS in an extremely complicated way that would take hours to write up.
"Why didn't you just say that?" Jaz asked.
"Yeah" everyone agreed.
"Off to Shane's house!" Alice cried and Michael joined them on their plane ride to Shane's house.
"Target acquired." Laura muttered, leaning forward in her chair.
Everyone was staring at her.
"Umm first of all this plane doesn't have any weapons, second of all, we're not moving right now, we're still in the car park and thirdly..."
Laura looked up.
"You're not in the cockpit."
"I knew that, I was just seeing if you were paying attention."
Kirsty rolled her eyes then made her way to the cockpit with Alice, the only to actually remember how to start the plane and they took off.
"So Michael" Jaz asked, batting her eyelids, "what do you do in your spare time?"
Michael looked around the plane; he had suddenly gained a phobia of teenage girls.
"I uh, do things."
Everyone giggled except Ziva.
"So when do I get to go back to my universe?"
"When I feel like it." Meg said twisting a paperclip.
"When you say?" asked Mel.
"Yes! I found the jet so I decide."
"Well I found the way to cross universes!" Holly pointed out.
"Well I found the way to cross universes!" mimicked Grace.
"EVERYONE STOP IT!" Michael ordered. Everyone but Ziva stopped and sat cross legged on the ground, eyes wide watching him.
"I do not think that is what you should have done." Ziva muttered to him. Michael sighed. Everyone else sighed.
Pulling up outside his house, they all grabbed the pitch forks and torches, climbing out then started chanting "GIVE US TIVA GIVE US TIVA!" while Grace yelled "BRING BACK KATE BRING BACK KATE GIVE US TATE GIVE US TATE!"
This continued for another 5 minutes, then Shane's wife came out and told them he was on the set working. After stopping and asking for directions twice they finally made it. Climbing out again, Kirsty felt the need to remind the others that MW and ZD were still locked up in the back room, (so they wouldn't escape) climbing back in Grace and Meg went to untie them. They felt it was safe to let them go as they were on the set and they could find them at any point they needed.
Using Michael and 'Cote' they got into the set with no problems, although the guards were a bit surprised to see them with such a young group of girls.
"Michael! Where have you been?"
"I was getting married today; I wasn't supposed to come in."
"Oh." said Shane.
"Idiot." muttered Holly.
"Definitely." replied Alice.
"Let's get him." they all said running toward him. He screamed like the little girl he is and suddenly Ziva tackled him before they could get there.
"Hey!" Meg shouted, "We were going to tackle him. Now let the poor man up so we can push him down. We did rescue you after all."
Ziva sighed and pulled him up and then Alice tackled him.
"Nice." said Grace.
"I think Meg has multiple personalities." Laura said.
"I do. There's Je-"
"No time to go into them all," Kirsty took charge, "We need to get Tiva."
"Tate." Grace reminded stubbornly.
They all started running in slow motion towards the set in a line when the James Bonds music starts playing in the back ground. (Listen to the song, you will crack it laughing! .com/watch?v=Ii1tc493bZM )
"what's up with the music?" Grace asked.
"Good point, what is up with that?" Laura seconded.
"Oh, sorry." Michael called from behind as he answered his phone to which the song was playing from as the ring tone.
The group all laughed as they rounded the corner pulling out paperclips as they went.
Heading into the set they spread out and searched for the writer's office. Upon finding it Alice called out.
"GUYS! I FOUND IT!" like 2 seconds later everyone else was there all standing in perfect formation of a triangle. Kirsty up the front then everyone else behind. Without even knocking Kirsty kicked the door in sprinting in with the others close behind.
"FREEZE!" they all yelled at the same time. "Sweet! We were in sync again! WHOO HOO! So proud of you guys!" Laura cheered as they started to high five one another.
"What the HELL?" Jesse Stern yelled jumping up from the table they were sitting around.
"Were taking over!" Mel said as they all moved in.
"WHAT?" Frank Military questioned as he got up along with the other writers.
"You heard us! Were taking over!" Jas repeated.
With that the group stormed in totally, much to the shock of the people in the room.
"If you want to take over your gonna have to fight for it!" Shane said as he materialized out of nowhere.
"IT'S ON!" Grace said as an evil look sprung to her eyes.
"PAPER CLIPS AT THE READY!" Grace called as they all pulled out there paperclips and evil looks came to their faces.
Holly who was at the back of the group hit play on the CD player and Kung fu Fighting started playing. The group sprung into action kicking some serious ass to boot!
2 minutes later
"Well that's the last one." Emily said as she dragged the last body out of the room and into the waiting van to take them to Africa to have a 'talk' to them. (i.e.: bash the living hell out of them till they crack. this is what they get for doing that to Ziva!)
Sitting down at the table that they had just glued back together with the superglue Alice found in Tony's/ Michael's desk.
"Okay, first things first; How are we gonna make Tiva happen?" Holly asked.
"Tate." Grace corrected again.
"I say we start writing and just see how it goes from there. We can each have goes at it and then see what we keep and what we dump after. Everyone cool with doing that?" Kirsty asked.
Everyone, but Grace nodded, she wanted Tate. The others were all happy with the plan as long as Tiva happened in the end. They were all sitting around the table discussing what to do now.
"I KNOW!" Emily said jumping up with joy and scaring the others. "Let's lock them in a closet for a very long time!"
Everyone was on the set, waiting to film the first scene of season 7 when Laura, Kirsty, Meg, Mel, Jaz, Emily, Holly, Alice, Harry, Silver, Yun (and who ever else) walked on to the set. Grace followed after, on the phone with Sasha Alexander asking her to come to the set ASAP.
"What's going on?" Michael asked when he saw the group coming towards them.
"We have a new script for you." Meg said as Harry started handing the new copies around.
"Read them, learn them. Love them." Laura added with a sparkle in her eye.
"What have you guys done?" Cote/Ziva asked as she started flipping through her copy.
"Added a bit of umph" Meg said as Mark was given his copy.
"What do you mean by 'umph'?" He asked reading over the first page.
"We made a few changes to the old script and added a splash of love and happiness. And Kate's coming back." Grace answered we a smirk on her face.
"Um is there a typo in this script" Cote/Ziva called from the back.
"Nope" Meg answered.
"Are you sure?" Michael questioned.
"Definitely" Laura stated.
"Ok enough discussing guys, we have to start to film and we are starting with scene 36" Holly said to shut them up.
Everyone moves to the set, which is basically a wall with a really small closet in it
"That's the set?" Cote wondered.
"Well you know, budget what not, now let's get this started!" Kirsty ordered.
Everybody starts shooting; Tony and Ziva are running down a hall with their guns drawn "Quick, I think he went in there!" Tony said, pointing to closet, but thinking that it's a door.
Ziva runs into the closet followed by Tony, just as he does in the door closes and locks on them, with a loud click.
(Tony and Ziva are standing up against each other in the closet)
"Great" Ziva says, pissed.
"Come on, cheer up, it's just a closet, not like a metal box, and I bet you could pick the lock." Tony said trying to cheer the NOW NCIS AGENT up.
"Locks from the outside, there's no lock in here." Ziva pouted.
"Well we could always do this the old fashioned way" (tries to kick door down) "right, steal reinforced doors" Tony said as he rubbed his now very sore foot.
"This cup-board is inescapable" Ziva complained.
"Cupboard" Tony corrected
"Don't you have anything to amuse yourself with?" Ziva wondered allowed.
"Not really, that's the thing with cupboards, there very un-amusing; there's only me and you." He said with his trademark smirk.
"Tony..." Ziva warned.
"Who knows how long we will be in here for..." Tony pondered. (Ok I will leave this part up to your imagination, as I do not want to ruin this absolutely perfect scene with my sucking romantic scene writing skills)
(Back in the real world, everyone on the forums group starts to walk off)
"Where are you going" a random camera man who shall be called Greg, asked the question on everyone's mines.
"Didn't you read the script?" Emily queried. Crew shook heads.
"Well read it then" Grace practically ordered.
"I have to go get Sasha ready for her scene. Later's." She said walking off towards the trailers.
"We're not going to stand around down here for 9 hours, that's your job!" Meg remarked.
"We're going to watch the scene upstairs, you know, to make sure there doing it right and try to convince Grace that Tate won't happen." Harry told them.
"I HEARD THAT!" Grace bellowed from down the hall.
"Choose which take, to use you know" Mel smirked.
"It's a hard scene; we might have to do it a couple of time" Alice pointed out.
Everyone nods in agreement and starts to walk off again, with the crew still looking incredulous, Jaz stops for a second. "You might want to give them a bit of privacy."
With that she shut the door and walked away, a smile present on her face, heading up to the viewing room with the others. They called action and sat back and enjoyed the show.
9 hours later.
"Well, that went well." Kirsty said satisfied by the result of the film.
Heading out to dinner that night, after blackmailing the security to let them back on the set when ever so that they could control the show, they went over to the famous Chinese shop that is always talked about in the show.
"Table for 20 (or so)?" The old lady asked.
"Yes thanks." Laura replied as they headed in after the lady.
"So, what did everyone think of the filming today?" Kirsty asked as they sat down and started looking at the menus.
"It went well. I mean the whole day was a success. We killed Michael's wife, killed the guy holding Ziva and saved her, got rid of the writing crew; where are they by the way Em? And I got Sasha to come back. I say that's a job well done for a bunch of crazed fans. Don't you guys?" Grace said with a smile.
The response was of course a bunch of yep's, hell yeah's and we kicked some serious ass today!
"So Em, what did happen to the writers?" Alice asked.
"hehe, um, yeah, that's a really good question. You see, I kind of locked them in the morgue storage after they got back from Africa. And yes, I made sure it was locked so they can't get on to the set."
"Oh, Okay." Alice replied not giving damn about them.
1 Week after the Take-Over
Sasha, Cote/Ziva, Mark, Michael, Sean, David, Pauley and Brian were sitting in the Green Room.
"Guys, we need to get out of here, like right now." Cote whispered; the others in response nodded.
"The entire show is basically you two making out in the cupboard." Sean complained.
"Well actually apparently we're not doing it right- it's only supposed to be like 10 minutes," Michael pointed out.
"They're sick and twisted,"
"And very scary when they twist the paperclips around." Pauley and David commented.
"I have an idea, but it's not gonna be easy." Mark said, the others leant in and a plan was formed.
In a hidden room watching what is happening in the Green Room
Silver and Harry look at each other, nodding once, looking away, back at each other and then attempted to walk out of the small door at the same time and failing miserably.
"OK, I go first and then you." Silver commanded and walked out.
Harry did a mimicking face before following to the SUPER DUPER FUN TIVA (Tate for Grace) ROOM (SDFTR or script room, whatever floats your boat)
Kirsty spun around on her chair, her hands resting on the desk.
"Harry, Silver, what a surprise to see you here. You're supposed to be watching them."
"We were, they're plotting something."
Meg, Grace, Laura, Alice, Jaz and Mel all look at one another and stood up.
"We're on it." Mel said. Kirsty nodded at each of them as they walked out of the SDFTR with Harry and Silver behind them going back to their post.
10 minutes later
"So where exactly are we going?" Alice asked the ever sensible one with MAD writing skills.
"Umm, well..." Grace trailed off.
"Oooh pick me! I have an idea!"
"Yes Meg?" Alice asked as if speaking to someone with the brain capacity of a 2 year old... oh wait that's exactly what she was doing.
"Hey, I'm not that stupid and I resent you feeling that way towards me. I think you chillax with Jeff too much Alice, his meanness is rubbing off on you and-"
"Meg, your idea?" Laura cut her rant off.
"Oh yeah, how about we go to the front of building so that they can't escape."
Everyone smiled and walked off in the direction they thought it was in before all deciding to follow Jaz so that they could blame her if it was the wrong way. Turn's out Jaz was right. They only just beat Sasha, Cote/Ziva, Michael, Mark, Sean, David, Pauley, Lauren and Brian to the front and formed a triangle yet again, paperclip at the ready.
"Just where do you think you're going?" Laura asked, smiling like the maniac she is.
The stars looked at one another scared out of their wits.
"Uh, umm..." Pauley trailed off.
"We were just going," David began.
"To the wedding store so that we could prepare Michael to marry one of you." Mark finished.
"He's going to marry me?" all of the crazed fans asked at the same time, "No he's..." They all growled before charging at one another.
"RUN!" Sean screamed and they all ran out on the street calling for help, only to discover that the Apocalypse was happening and the only safe place was the building they just escaped from.
"God damn it." Michael muttered and they all dragged themselves back inside where the fight was continuing...
As the mega awesome talented actors trudged back into the front room they found a calm and assembled grouped being led by one of the insane people that they believed was called Mel.
"Ok so it goes Meg, Laura, me, Grace, Jaz and that's all we've got so far on the list- the rest of you can fight it out. Michael will spend a week with each of us and at the end of the umm however many weeks, he will decide who is the best to live with and who he loves, coughs me coughs and marry them. Agreed?"
"Agreed." they all chanted.
"I just have one question," Alice piped up.
"Are we going to tell Kirsty?"
"Tell Kirsty what?" Kirsty asked, strolling into the room with the sole surviving writer after the intense 'conversation' only weeks ago.
They all looked at one another- shit they were so stuffed. - Suddenly they were saved by Silver.
"Guys! I've cracked it!"
"Cracked what?" Kirsty asked irritated that she had no idea what was happening in either conversation.
"The meaning behind Meg's monkey drawings?"
"The meaning behind my monkey drawings?" Everyone glared at Meg, "Oh right... Wait, why are you glaring?"
Sliver sighed an irritated sigh, "No, I cracked how to make the Tiva scene work."
The insane hostage takers/NCIS fans stood up, reading over Silver's shoulder, nodding as they read, grinning like the cats that got the cream.
"I don't think that's a good sign," Pauley whispered.
Michael and Cote/Ziva's faces dropped.
Just before the dreaded scene was to be filmed with Cote in a slutty dress and Michael wearing the sexiest clothes EVER) Mark spoke up.
"If the whole world is dead because of the Apocalypse, why exactly are we still filming? And more importantly, how come we were safe from the Apocalypse?"
"The thing is," Meg started before looking at the others.
"Tell them Meg, maybe then they'll stop fighting with us every step of the way to get what we want!" Grace said, finishing off with an evil laugh that caused everyone to take one step away from her.
"Tell them," Kirsty said.
"Ok, the thing is, we have a deal with God. He told us that if we made Tiva"
"Tate." Grace coughed. "Happen we would all be spared from death/Hell because of all the awful things we did such as murder people with paperclips and crash weddings. Oh and Satan's scared of Laura and promised God he wouldn't do naything bad if he kept her away from him but he didn't want her up there either so this was the compromise," Meg finished with a smile, "although if God could actually remember my name, he's really bad with them and if he ever forgets one it's mine, just like teachers at school, he would be just as scared of me."
Everyone not from Australia just nodded with wide eyes, looking at one another while the others stood opposite staring at them
"And action!" cried Silver and the shooting began...
2 hours later Grace came running in to the set pulling Sasha and Lauren behind! "Alright, you guys are gonna be walking down the hall when you hear a noise…Tony and Ziva in the closet. You then have the conversation of the yelling through the door and then open it for them. Got it?"
"Yep." The pair replies as they head in to shoot their scene.
"AND ACTION!" Grace calls.
Kate and Jenny are walking down the hall to Abby's lab when they hear a noise; turning to Jenny, Kate asks "do u hear the banging noise?"
"So I'm not going insane?" Jenny responds. They both start walking down the hall till they reach a door.
"Is anyone in there?" Kate asks through the door.
"TONY!" Kate yells after hearing the name only he calls her.
"Help us Katie! Were locked in!" Tony yelled back.
Kate just rolled her eyes and flipped the lock open. "Did you even try calling one of the team to come let you out?" she asked as they walked out.
"Thanks" Tony said as he planed a kiss on Kate cheek.
"mhmm." She said as her and Jenny walked off to Abby's lab.
"And cut!" Grace called as she walked out.
"GRACE!" Kirsty bellowed from down the hall. "You had better not be filming a scene right now!"
"YIKES! Gotta go!" Grace called as she raced off in the other direction. "SAVE ME!" she screamed as she skidded around the corner and out of site.
Kirsty came running up to the others. "Where'd she go?" she asked.
They just pointed off in the direction she had run and did the movements for around the corner. "THANKS!" Kirsty yelled back as she ran after her.
Looking at each other they all had a confused looks on their faces. "oh..kay." Michael said as he started walking off in the other direction. "Who wants food?" Sasha just rolled her eyes as she turned and started off after him. "Some things never change."
"You can say that again." Cote muttered as she and Lauren headed off after the pair who were bickering like they always had.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Yeah right, who we kidding, there still are being held hostage, still making NCIS, and still writing fan fiction. So, some of them lived happily ever after, just not the cast and crew, they live in fear of their lives every day. Ziva/Cote sometimes wishes she was back in Africa and Michael still wishes he was with Jessica Alba, but hey, not everyone's wish comes true!