HOW TO GET YOUR BALLS BACK OUTTAKES

CHRISTENING THE ASTON MARTIN (BPOV)

This is an outtake that takes place approximately one year before the events of How to Get Your Balls Back, just after Bella and Edward returned from their summer vacation in Africa.

As the plane's wheels hit the runway, I'm jolted awake from my dream.

I can feel a cold hand squeezing mine along with a whispering velvet voice. "Nice dream, love?"

It had been a nice dream; more than nice actually. Edward was naked and those are always the best dreams.

Despite the fact that I'm only weeks from turning 23 years old, a recent college graduate, current law student, and now a world traveler, I still blush like a silly high school girl at Edward's knowing smirk and crooked smile.

He knows I was dreaming about him.

I happily realize we have arrived at Sea-Tac; we're home.

The three week trip to Africa was such a learning experience. I didn't just learn about Africa. I learned so much about the selfless, brave and honorable vampire currently sitting to my left. He's tenderly holding my hand as we wait for the pilot's signal that we can retrieve our carry-on luggage and depart from the plane.

Our trip was unusual because of the perpetual sunny weather. It only allowed us to venture out during the evenings. However, receiving Edward's extensive tours of the various countries and villages he had visited and lived in after he left Forks, gave me new insight into this vampire -no, this man- I'm going to spend the rest of forever with. I don't know how Edward ever thought he had no soul or had lost his humanity. I've never known a more humane being, except maybe Carlisle. Edward dedicated years to those villages, providing much needed medical care and supplies at his own expense. He helped individuals apply for asylum and visas to Europe and North America so that they could escape abuse, neglect, and crippling poverty.

In typical Edward fashion, he downplayed his role, but I could see the passion in his eyes as he spoke. I came to realize that returning to his work in Africa may be something Edward would want to do in the future. I mentioned the possibility of going back to the same villages he had serviced, after my change and newborn period was over. He had smiled indulgently, but pointed out he could not return to those areas for at least 70 years to avoid being recognized and someone noticing his lack of aging. He also pointed out he hoped that by that time, the areas would be in much better shape and not so desperate for medical services that they would allow an odd, pale, and seemingly young doctor be their main source of care.

I think that's the first time I began to understand just how hard it is to fathom forever.

I'm pulled from my rather serious thoughts as Edward stands to retrieve our bags from the overhead compartment. Predictably, he doesn't let me to carry my own bag.

Edward makes arrangements for our checked bags to be delivered to the condo. We are planning on driving straight to the Cullen's to spend some time with his family, I mean, our family. I smile fondly at the thought of the bracelet hanging from my right wrist that signifies my status as a Cullen; even if it isn't official yet.

We've both missed the family, and at Esme's urging, we agreed to go straight to their house from the airport for a long visit.

We quickly locate my car which we'd left in the long term parking lot of Sea-Tac airport three weeks ago.

"We are not driving your car to the house," Edward states firmly as he puts our carry-on bags in the trunk, and then opens the passenger door for me.

"Why not?" I ask, because I'm a bit puzzled by his declaration. Edward has made it known he's not a fan of my Prius, but he rarely flat out refuses to drive it.

"I have hardly driven in the last three weeks and I need some power, sweetheart. I am going to pick up the Vanquish. It needs to be driven; it's been months."

"Okay," I agree. I have come to understand Edward's addiction to his cars and I try to be as indulgent as possible. After all, he indulges my addictions, the most powerful of which is Edward himself.

Twenty minutes later, my Prius is tucked away in Edward's private rented garage and we are heading toward the interstate in his Aston Martin Vanquish, the very same one he drove to our prom all of those years ago.

I watch as Edward visibly relaxes as he effortlessly shifts gears and pushes the car to 140 MPH in no time. His golden eyes are ablaze with excitement. I watch his long, pale fingers caress the steering wheel with reverence and affection. It reminds me of when he touches me the same way.

It's arousing to watch Edward expertly handle this powerful car. I suddenly remember the fantasy he'd shared with me that involved this very car during our weekend in Orlando. He told me he fantasized about us having sex on the hood of this car.

Suddenly, Edward's intense gaze cuts into me. "Bella, what are you thinking?" he asks.

I smile coyly, but I don't answer his question.

He smiles back knowingly. "Thought so," he says rather cockily. I can't hide my body's reactions from Edward. It's one of the few downsides of having a vampire boyfriend.

"I know what you are thinking," he taunts with a smirk.

"Oh yeah?" I challenge.

He says one simple word. "Orlando."

"Too bad I don't have those high heels you like with me," I say with exaggerated regret.

"And why is that?" he asks, playing along.

"Well, we have the Vanquish and we're alone. All we're missing is the shoes. It's so unfortunate. Otherwise, I could make your fantasy come true tonight," I say evenly.

"And if you had the shoes, what would you propose, Bella? Pull over onto the side of the highway?"

"Well, I would suggest you find a private area off of the highway. Maybe behind an abandoned building or something," I suggest.

Edward just shakes his head in response. "You can't be serious," he says, but I can see he is just a bit intrigued."

"It's probably illegal," he adds.

"So is driving at 140 miles per hour," I respond.

"Touché'" he says with a smile.

"Come on, Edward. Put those mind reading skills to good use and find us a private spot. Let's properly christen your car," I whisper in what I hope is a sexy and enticing voice."

"Bella, that's crazy. We would need a plan. I would need time to consider all contingencies before we even consider such a thing."

"Edward, hasn't anyone ever told you that spontaneity is sexy?" I ask.

My eyes are drawn to Edward's hands as his grip on the steering wheel noticeably tightens. God, Edward's hands are sexy. Strong, big…and those fingers! They can work more than just a piano. As I start to imagine Edward pulling over and taking me on this car, I suddenly become very excited and very determined to make this particular fantasy come true.

Edward mumbles something about being as bad as Emmett and Rosalie while looking straight ahead, and not responding directly to my question.

But I know Edward. He can only resist so long once I exploit one of his weaknesses.

He has two main weaknesses when it comes to sex: his shoe fetish and my nipple rings.

Luckily, I put the rings back in before we left Africa. Before I moved in with Edward, I rarely wore the rings and only wore them as a necessity to keep the piercings from closing up. But after realizing that Edward was actually somewhat obsessed with them, I made a point to wear them more often.

"Edward, you wanna give me an early birthday gift?" I ask coyly.

"What do you want Bella?" He asks as he swallows, his hands tightening once again.

"For you to fuck me on the hood of this car…right now."

"Bella!" He admonishes and gives me a warning look, his eyes not returning to the road. Now that I have his attention, I massage my breasts and pull on my nipple rings through my thin T-shirt.

"Please, Edward. I want you. Right now!" I plead.

"Dammit, Bella. Why are you always trying to be the death of me?"

Before I can even respond, the car abruptly jerks to the right and Edward abruptly exits from the highway.

"Edward, what the..." I can't finish whatever was going to say because Edward is looking at me and his eyes are smoldering. I know that look. I rarely see it outside our home, or outside our bed. I'm pleasantly surprised he caved so quickly. Edward has certainly loosened up during our time together, but he's rarely this impulsive or amorous without a lot more pushing on my part. I suspect it's not just my nipple rings, but also the excitement he's feeling from driving his special occasion car.

Edward pulls onto what looks to be a deserted logger road and cuts the lights on the car.

He's looking at me with lust-filled eyes, and his right hand is resting on the keys in the ignition. After cutting off the engine. "You sure you want this?" he asks.

"Absolutely. I want you."

"On the hood?"

"Yes," I answer confidently.

"Hard and fast?"

"Oh, yes," I answer emphatically.

"Happy early Birthday, Bella."

Edward's not typically a quickie kind of guy. But he does know how to move quickly. In a matter of seconds after opening my door, I am naked and Edward is lifting me to lie me on the hood of the car.

"Gah," I screech as my naked ass comes into contact with the still hot surface.

"Shit, sorry," Edward whispers as he immediately lifts me, moving his ice-like hands to my ass. The coolness feels good and soothes the slight burn.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Edward chants as he kisses me. I wrap my legs around his waist and as I feel his erection press against my stomach, I quickly forget about the slight burn.

"Edward, I want you so much," I whisper against his lips.

He looks around. "Backseat?" he asks.

"No, I want to sit on the hood. That's your fantasy," I insist.

With a determined look, he lowers my legs until I am standing on the ground. He quickly turns and runs his cold hands over the front section of the hood. I quickly realize he is absorbing the heat and cooling the surface. In less than a minute I am laying on the hood while Edward kneels and worships me with his mouth bringing me to orgasm masterfully. Edward should write a book on how to perform oral sex. It makes me feel unbelievably good to know I'm the only one that will ever experience Edward like this.

Before I can come down from my orgasmic high, he stands and raises me to him and kisses me deeply. I moan as I can taste myself on his lips. He moans too and quickly wraps my legs around his waist, situating me on the edge of the hood. Just before he enters me he pulls back and gazes into my eyes.

"God, Bella. Do you know what you do to me? Do you know what you make me want to do to you? I swear it scares me sometimes, love."

"Shhh," I whisper soothingly as I lean forward and press my lips to his. "Don't be afraid. It's supposed to be like this. We belong together."

I reassure Edward, but I can't say I haven't felt the same way before. The way I love Edward is always consuming. Even as a naïve 17 year old girl, I was willing to give Edward everything, even my humanity. It's ironic that only after Edward agreed to change me, that I finally have become aware of what exactly I'll be giving up to be with him forever.

The hood of the car is slanted downwards in a very sleek and sophisticated design. It is not so well designed for having sex. Just as Edward moves forward to enter me, I feel my bottom slipping and I slide down too low, no longer aligned with Edward.

"Dammit," he mutters as he quickly moves me back up so that our bodies are better aligned again. He pushes forward and I start to slip again. Edward has to take a step backwards to keep his balance.

A frustrated growl erupts from him. "This went a lot smoother in my fantasies," he says ruefully.

"Maybe if you prop your leg on the bumper, you can hold me steadier?" I suggest.

He nods and props his foot on the front bumper and leans forward to enter me again. Once we are fully connected, we both sigh in relief, enjoying that intense shock of pleasure that is always there when we come together. Edward starts thrusting in earnest as I move my hand to my clit, intent on helping along my second orgasm. Edward growls at the sight and his hands, which are flattened on the hood on either side of me are now clenching. I close my eyes, relishing in the feel of Edward. He starts thrusting in earnest, clearly getting close to getting off when all of a sudden I hear crunching metal. I open my eyes as Edward stumbles backward, removing himself from me once again.

A string of curses follow as Edward's gaze goes to the broken bumper. He must have exerted too much pressure with his foot, because the entire bumper is now lying on the ground.

"Edward, I'm so sorry...," I start, but he cuts me off. "Forget it, it doesn't matter," he says as he moves me upwards on the hood until he is hovering over me, his large body holding me in place. I'm surprised and thrilled that he's more interested in finishing our encounter than the damage to his car. I can tell our weight is denting the hood, but Edward seems oblivious as he enters me again and resumes fucking me.

"I love you," he whispers as he grinds his hips against me, knowing how good that feels to me. I feel my orgasm approaching and I start begging. "Edward, please...so close...come with me."

And he does.

I'm not sure how long it takes for me to come back to reality. Slowly, I come to realize that we are lying on Edward's car and he is holding me in my arms. I rise up and survey the damage underneath me. Edward's beautiful car looks horrible. In addition to the detached bumper, there are several deep dents in the hood caused ,no doubt, by our bodies and Edward's inhuman strength.

I look down at Edward and he is smiling at me.

"Edward, your car!" I exclaim.

He shrugs. "It was completely worth it."

I smile, but before I can kiss him, Edward moves suddenly.

"My phone," he mutters as he retrieves his cell phone from inside of the car. I don't hear anything, but Edward's vampire hearing wouldn't miss even a low vibration.

"It's a text from Alice," he says as he opens the message and reads it. He is leaning back against the front side of the car. I'm on my knees and move slightly so that I can read over his shoulder.

Emmett and Rosalie will be there in 30 minutes to fix the car -Alice.

Edward types a response at vampire speed, but pauses before he sends so that I can read it.

Thanks. Are you losing your touch? You're sending them rather late, aren't you? -E.

Emmett insisted on giving it an extra 30 minutes. He said he wasn't taking a chance on interrupting your time with 'Bella's honeypot.' -Alice.

I don't know why I'm blushing. There's really no such thing as privacy in a family of vampires with so many special gifts.

About time he learned some simple manners.-E.

When I told him you would say that, he said to remind you of your unfortunate bathroom incident. -Alice.

Edward instantly goes stiff, and I know he is uncomfortable that I read that last message. It's not the first time his family has made some cryptic remark about Edward and public bathrooms. Edward has always refused to explain when I've questioned him in the past.

Edward has moved to put on his jeans then hands me my clothes. He's noticeably not making eye contact with me.

"Edward, what unfortunate bathroom incident?"

"Uhh...nothing...Emmett…" he stumbles over his words. Edward rarely has trouble articulating his thoughts.

"Edward, just tell me," I say.

"It's embarrassing, Bella. I wish my family would just forget it."

"Oh, Edward," I tell him. "You don't have to be embarrassed to tell me. Maybe if you tell me, your family will finally let it go."

"Bella, please. You will be disgusted."

"No, I won't."

He takes a deep breath that I know he doesn't need. "I had to masturbate in a public restroom once. I didn't want to, Bella, but it was necessary."

I rub his shoulders and lift his downcast chin up so that he will look at me.

"Was this the night of the poetry reading?"

"How did you know?" he asks, clearly surprised.

"It was the only reason I could imagine for you going into a men's room."

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"For what? What's the big deal?"

"You're not disgusted?" he asks me.

"Of course not. Just promise me one thing, Edward."

"Anything."

"Next time that urge hits you in public, make sure you take me to the restroom with you."

Just about that time, the skies open up and rain pours down on us but I hardly notice. I'm trying not to laugh as Edward's jaw almost hits the ground.

E/N—Thanks so much to my "team." Eviekinz, lemonmartinis, and Sis—thanks for the hard work, especially on this outtake. I also have a sister from another mister—she knows who she is. Thank you too!

Thank you honeypotettes. Keep the laughs coming.

Remember all things Twilight belong to SM (even Edward's now christened Aston Martin).

I do feel compelled to let you know that my wonderful beta, Eviekinz, picked up on the fact that the Aston Martin has a push button ignition. However, since SM described Edward's Vanquish as having those archaic things called keys as the means for starting it, I stuck to that description.

Review? Please! Please! Please!