Sometimes, something sounds funny in my head but I can't tell if it actually is funny after I write it. This is one of those times.

Although the game and the anime are two different canons, I'm sure there are some similarities between them. I don't own Pokémon.


There are seven stages of grief.

The first is disbelief and shock:

...did I seriously just...? Ugh, why won't he get out of my head? I'm trying to masturbate. That's just inconsiderate.

The second is denial:

Dammit! No! Not for him! That's not possible! I hardly even like him as a friend! We never stop fighting! I can't stand that idiot half the time, how could I think about him that way?

Then comes bargaining:

Arceus! Anyone but him, please! Why did you do this to me? Anyone but Flint! A man, a woman, I don't care, just not Flint!

Then guilt:

I'm pathetic. Lusting after your best friend is pathetic.


Wait, no I'm not. This isn't my fault, it's Flint's. I hate that son of a bitch. Damn his fiery passion, damn the way he smiles, damn his biceps. I'm gonna punch him in the dick.

Depression, Volkner's personal favorite:

Fuck this shit. Love is dumb. Flint is dumb.

And finally, acceptance and hope:

Well...this sucks. Maybe nobody else'll notice. Maybe he'll reciprocate. Maybe he'll be the only one to notice and make the first move so I won't have to.

But everyone noticed, especially after Flint left the city, except, of course, for Flint. Such was Volkner's fate. He went right back into the depression stage. They still saw each other, of course. They were still friends. But they saw less and less of each other, the visits grew less and less frequent, until one day Volkner realized that Flint was no longer a major part of his life. For the first time in years, he was Flintless. Miserable. Sexually frustrated. Alone.


Gazing glumly out at the sea at all hours wasn't the best way to hide it, but Volkner had invested too much time and energy into doing that to quit now. He would just have to keep gazing until somebody solved his problems for him. Someone usually did, whether the problem in question was that he needed a drink (fangirls) or funds to renovate his Gym (challengers). It was a fair trade. Volkner solved their problems for them, too. He fixed their miscellaneous electronica and harnessed the power of the fucking sun to power their city. In another time, that would have made Volkner an avatar of a god among mortals. As it was he was just a Gym Leader. Never mind the fact that nobody asked him to do it and people complained about the blackouts. It was his damn city and his damn lighthouse, he could do as he pleased in it.

One problem the ungrateful bastard citizens of Sunyshore City neglected to solve for him Volkner didn't even know needed solving: they chose not to tell him that Flint had come to pay him a surprise visit. Not the city generally, just Volkner. The nerve of them, the sheer nerve, and after all Volkner had done for them, too.

The rare cold cloudy weather of Sunyshore and the dense fog over the sea inhibited his daily gazing ritual, but Volkner stubbornly pushed on. A dense fog indeed was this. A lesser fog would have been burned away by Volkner's smoldering glare.

"Here," he said to his Raichu and his Jolteon fifteen minutes in, when he realized that due to the particular state of melancholy this would take longer than he anticipated. "Go ride the elevator or something. I'm going to stay up here for awhile, you guys have fun." He would have let the others out as well, but it would have gotten too crowded in the lighthouse - and the elevator - with an Electivire and a Luxray and so on running around. It was his lighthouse. He could do what he wanted in it, but that didn't mean he intended to let anybody trash the place, because he was the one who would have to clean it up. Honestly, he thought, it was like he did all of the work around here. It was like he was the man of the house, except the house was a city.

Raichu and Jolteon, exclaiming what could only mean "Oh, boy! The elevator!" scurried off to the elevator. On a better day Volkner would have smiled at the sight of them jumping up and down to try to push the button that opened the doors. "Rai rai rai!" said the Raichu, sparks flying from his cheeks. It was clearly a pointless threat against the inanimate object, as the doors were not going to open for him.

...except that they did. Raichu and Jolteon jumped back in surprise until they realized what had happened. What had happened wasn't nearly as exciting as the doors magically opening on their own, at least to Raichu and Jolteon. It would excite the Hell out of Volkner.

"Hey man!" said Flint as though he were blameless, as though he were free of sin, like he didn't know what a dick he was for taking a great opportunity and joining the Elite Four when they asked instead of entertaining Volkner for the rest of his life. "Long time no see!"

Flint! No shit long time no see, thought Volkner. It took a lot of work to look as nonchalant as Volkner did when his heart was pounding in his throat. "Hm? Oh, it's you. Don't you have a job now? Why are you loafing around town?"

"Psh," Flint laughed. "Volkner. No need to restrain yourself, I know you're happy to see me."

Shit. Did he really? Was that just a joke or did he really know? Flint joined him to lean on the uncomfortable railing and gaze at the dull grey ocean and Volkner wasn't so cold anymore. The Gym Leader was now in fact rather toasty. That son of a bitch. Volkner kept a straight face. "How could you tell? Was it the middle finger I'm holding up at you from in my pocket?"

Flint looked. Of course, now that Volkner had said it, there was the outline of Volkner flipping him off through his jacket. "How many middle fingers do you have, anyway?"

Volkner couldn't even muster an "Enough to get the job done." He opened his mouth, tried to push the air out to give life to words forming in his throat, and gave up.

"No snappy comeback?" Flint laughed, expecting a snappy comeback.

But indeed there wasn't. Volkner opened his mouth again but couldn't be bothered even to push air out this time.

This concerned Flint, as it should. He was already bothered by Volkner's recent behavior, but clearly, he thought, Volkner wished not to talk about it. However, if this depression was reaching the point where Volkner couldn't even bitch at him anymore, Flint would have to intervene. It was the right thing to do. "Volkner," he said carefully. "Y'know, if there's anything you want to talk to me about-"

"What are you now, a woman?" Volkner snapped. "Is the Elite Four full of women? Do you sit around talking about stuff?"

Flint sighed in relief. "Oh good. So it's not really as bad as I thought."

"I can handle myself." Volkner's heart beat faster. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. "I'm fine. You don't have to feel obligated to help me, Flint, no matter what you've heard I've got everything in my personal life under control." It struck him that if Flint had talked to enough people in Sunyshore he might actually have heard some things...things Volkner would rather have thrown himself off the tower than speak of aloud...

"It's not that! I'm not prying just because I feel obligated! It's just lately, although I haven't been around you much, when I am around you I can't help but notice that-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, everybody says that." They did. They thought Volkner didn't hear them. "And you want to know what's up. Go on then," said Volkner, not turning to meet Flint's eyes. "Ask me why I've been depressed. Because I am depressed, let's face it. Ask me why."

"Okay," said Flint. A breakthrough, more than Flint had likely expected. "Volkner, why have you been d-"

With still-restrained rage and conviction Volkner turned to face his friend and planted a right hook on the left side of Flint's chest, over his heart.

"Ow!" Flint staggered back. Volkner followed him. "What the-?"

Another punch landed between Flint's legs. Flint swayed on the spot for a couple of seconds then slowly crumpled to the floor, and first trying to hold himself up on the guardrail but finally surrendering his pride and curling up in the fetal position and whimpered.

"Oh damn. Oh fuck. Volkner," he rasped. "Why. Why did you punch me in the dick. I don't understand. What did I do?" He looked up at Volkner with those soft grey eyes, full of tears and concern and sincerity and - NO! Volkner mustn't be swayed by his boyish charm! Flint was his first heartbreak, and he had deserved to be punched in the dick!

"It's all your fault," said Volkner through clenched teeth. "All of it. The"

Flint looked up at him, still confused, still holding his crotch. "Frustration? What are you frustrated about?"

Volkner wasn't done talking. "And now you know how I feel. Now we've talked about it. Incapacitating pain."

He stood over Flint while he put the pieces together, resisting the temptation to kick him while he was down. "Incapacitating pain?" Flint finally asked. "In your...?"

"Yes," said Volkner.

"And your...?"

"Yes, Flint. That's why I hit you there. Are you thick?"

Because what he had to say next was important, before Flint spoke again he caught his breath and shifted onto his back and thought carefully about how to word it. He wasn't quite ready to stand up yet. "Volkner," he said as solemnly as a man who has just been punched in the dick can. "I had no idea you wanted to do it. I swear, if I had known you wanted to fuck, I would have...I would have done something differently. I would have."

Not the answer Volkner had expected. Not an affirmative answer, not a negative answer, but also not a stream of bullshit and excuses as to why they couldn't call themselves friends, let alone something deeper, anymore...but should they call themselves friends anyway, at this point? Really? "...hmph."

"You're not gonna punch me in the dick again, are you?"

"I should." Volkner took the idea into serious consideration. "It'd serve you right. But...yeah, I'm not going to. Get up, jerk." He paused. "And I do not want" He grumbled something.

"Do it?" smiled Flint, trying to be helpful.

"I'll kick you, Flint. I will." Neither of them said anything for a moment. Volkner looked back out the window and tried to sort of the mess his head swam around in while Flint waited, ready to protect himself, to see if Volkner would make good on his threat. Perhaps his afro would deflect incoming blows. "I could stand to, though."

"Kick me?"

"No, do it."

"...oh. I'm going to stand up now, Volkner," said Flint. "You could help me. Or, you could not. I'll understand."

Volkner heard Flint moving and tried to fight the give-a-damn, but the give-a-damn won. He sighed and offered a hand down to him, but couldn't be bothered to look at what he was helping. After Flint stood, it took Volkner a few seconds to realize that his friend-crush-thing stood much, much closer than he had before Volkner punched him. Was that Flint's arm around him?



"You really are a jerk."

"How come?"

"Personal space. I just told you something personal, that's as personal as you're allowed to get today." But only because Flint hadn't reciprocated.

"What? I thought you wanted to do it."

"Kind of," said Volkner. "I might just have to whether you like it or not." His heart had yet to stop racing.



"I kinda want to do it too. I was waiting for the pain to subside before I said it. I'm sorry I made you wait."

Volkner shrugged. "Oh. Okay." Somehow, none of it - Flint leaving him, his angst, his sexual frustration - seemed so important anymore. For some reason he knew he could now freely be an ass to his best friend, just as before Volkner realized that he had feelings for him (lately, he had been an ass to Flint because he was being defensive, it wasn't the same) and take his devotion for granted.

Flint looked at him. "Okay? That's all?"

"No, Flint," sighed Volkner. "That's obviously not all. Obviously, we both want the same thing."


"So, I guess we..."

"We wha-?" Flint began, but then Volkner decided to jump on him (crushing his ribs and smothering him with affection as payback?) before he could change his mind about what he had just said. He assumed Flint would catch him, but actually they landed on the floor, where Flint issued another grunt of pain. Not only Flint he now winded but his arm had hit the guardrail on the way down.


Well, that was pretty embarrassing. Volkner's face burned. He refused to lift it from Flint's chest until it turned its proper color again, but at least until then, since he was down here practically cuddling with the man, he could try to guess where Flint worked out and where he bought that awesome cologne...

And suddenly, DING! The elevator opened again and there were Raichu and Jolteon, judging them for not buying each other dinner first. Volkner didn't see or hear them enter, but he would realize they were there soon enough.


Yeah, these two are weird. What do you want?