Vitamin S: Chapter 1
by Creedog VanDrey
Summary: Sue enacts her next scheme to destroy glee club.
Spoilers: It takes place in some nebulous part of Season 1.
A/N: This is another entry in my Crack!Glee series.
Chapter 1: The War is Far From Over
Sue sat in her office, chatting to her visitor.
"Listen, I have a lot of experience in this area. When someone or something presses down on you, you push right back, hard. Luckily for you, I am the world's leading expert in the areas of sabotage and subterfuge. In fact, I have two advanced degrees in the covert arts, one from the University of Frankfurt and one from Indonesia University of Education.
"Did you know that behind every great warlord in history there was a powerful woman? That woman was not his wife or even his concubine. If anything, the emotional or sexual intimacy that these bloodsuckers provided weakened the will of these conquerors. No, that woman was the village's cheerleading coach. Granted, in those days, it was closer to what today we might call a 'madam' but the principle holds.
"Take, for example, my ongoing feud with one William Schuester and his scrappy glee club. Sure, I've lost a few battles, but the war is far from over. When I began my crusade, I had three spies. One of them I lost to teenage hormones and Ohio's abstinence-only sex education curriculum. The other two, well... let me tell you what I discovered them doing, after practice, in the showers. I had a strong suspicion about what their activities, so I naturally went in to investigate. And I took my video camera. Don't misunderstand my intentions; I wasn't the least bit intrigued by the voyeuristic opportunity. On the contrary, I knew that it was a prime opportunity for blackmail. And perhaps a few bucks on the side with the amateur Cinemax-type programming, now that the child pornography charges were dropped by the ADA due to a very easy-to-guess password. I mean, honestly, I had a legitimate reason for recording those summer camp hazing events. Some of those girls might block out the entire experience and then the whole thing is for naught. But I digress."
Sue leaned forward at her desk, a grimace of unmasked disgust firmly etched into her face. "When I peeked around the corner, I viewed depravity like I'd never seen before. They were singing. Now I love a good Carly Simon power ballad as much as the next gal, but it was in that moment when my sixth worst fear taunted me. They had gone native. I was undaunted. Hell, I don't know the meaning of the word 'daunt.' It is without a doubt one of the dumbest words in the English language, right behind 'appeasement.'" She spat on the floor. "So, I took the next logical step."
Sue pulled out a plastic bag of dark green, chopped-up leaves, and dropped it on her desk. "I would like to introduce you to Salvia divinorum. Street names include salvia, diviner's sage, and María Pastora. Ridiculously enough, it is a completely legal hallucinogen that in small doses causes a sense of terror and foreboding, and in higher doses nightmarish hallucinations. If the Good Lord had seen fit to make me a plant, this is what I'd be.
"So, anyway, in guise of a peace offering, I mixed the extract of this little plant into a dozen of those sugar-filled, obscenely-colored slushy beverages you kids are so crazy about. And the effects should be taking place any second..."
She looked at her watch and counted down the seconds.
A/N: The answer to your question is, yes, I am writing a follow-up chapter.
So, I actually wrote the outline for this story several months ago, way before I started on "Orange Jello", so please ignore the reversal of the locker room activities joke.