Author's notes: For the 1,000 Word Challenge at the Lunaescence Archives message board, between myself and Crimson [SIN Productions]. Also found at Lunaescence Archives, Livejournal and Deviant Art; please see my profile for those links.
Naruto © Kishimoto Masashi, etc..
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland © Lewis Carroll, etc.
"Itachi!" Sasuke yelled in shock. Looking up, he could see the Konoha-Weasel sleeping high upon the branch of a white birch—his front feet resting snuggly underneath his head, while his back legs and tail were drooping lazily off either side of the branch.
"Mm, someone call?" he asked, lightly raising his head.
"Yeah!" screamed Sasuke, "get down here now so I can kill your ass!"
"Oh my..." the Weasel said, looking down at Sasuke slightly bewildered, "I don't think I'd much like that. I happen to like my ass," he said, turning his head to look at his ass.
"Shut the hell up!" Sasuke said furiously (and slightly abashed). "I don't fucking care what you like! If you don't get down here right now, I'm going to come up there!"
"My, my, you are a hostile little thing, aren't you?" started the Weasel, his little bottom now high in the air as he finished off a stretch. "I'm not quite sure who this 'Itachi' is, so I'm afraid that you've gotten m—" "Don't play stupid with me!" Sasuke interrupted, "If you think—"
"But I am not playing stupid with you, little boy," the Weasel began, putting a great amount of emphasis into the last two words. "And now if you'll excuse me, little boy, I am going to go find myself somewhere else to sleep. Less noisy, and less upsetting," he said glaring down at Sasuke with great indignation. "Good-day." And like that, the Konoha-Weasel disappeared.
Frustrated at having lost the chance to kill his brother again ('twice in one day, too,' he thought), and the fact that it finally occurred to him how ridiculous it was to actually threaten an over-rated rodent, that couldn't possibly be the real Itachi (let alone a real rodent), with death ('twice in one day, too,'); Sasuke slumped down onto a rock under the Konoha-Weasel's tree. 'What is going on?'
"Oh, and by-the-by, do you know what became of the other boy?" the Weasel had asked from behind him.
Nearly throwing himself off the rock in surprise, Sasuke turned around to find the Weasel now standing on a lower branch of another tree. "What?" he asked in disbelief.
"The other boy, the one with the Serpent Lord and his servant. Do you know what became of him?"
"Oh," Sasuke started, slightly taken aback. "No, I don't. I left."
"I see..." said the Weasel, dropping his head in disappointment before disappearing again.
Sitting down on the rock again, Sasuke began to ponder if there were any sane people in... where ever he was. Kakashi the Rabbit and Gai the Yes-Man Tortoise; Shino the Incredible Floating Cockroach, and then, worst of all, Sandaime: the Immensely High. "It definitely was not tobacco he was smoking," Sasuke told himself morbidly.
"If you're lost or looking for someone, perhaps I can help?" the Weasel asked from behind Sasuke again.
Throwing himself from the rock in shock for a second time (and this time much further), Sasuke turned around to now find the Konoha-Weasel sitting exactly where he had been just a few seconds earlier. A glimmer flashed across the Weasel's eyes that made Sasuke even more uncomfortable. "Uh..." he stammered as the Weasel continued to eye him. "Tell me how to get out of here," Sasuke demanded quickly, in an attempt to regain his composure.
"Hm, I'm not sure if I can..." the Weasel said lightly while looking off into the distance. "It would depend greatly upon where you wanted to go," he trailed off, his beady little eyes now returning their focus to Sasuke.
With both his unease and frustration growing, "I don't know. I don't care. Anywhere," Sasuke stated.
"Then it doesn't really matter now, does it?" the Weasel added smartly.
Now resisting the urge to just run over there and strangle the damn thing, "Well then, what would you suggest?" Sasuke asked with... a grimace.
"I don't know, I am unsure of your preferences..."
"Somewhere with people!" Sasuke yelled, having just completely lost his patience.
"Somewhere with people, somewhere with people..." the Weasel mumbled absent-mindedly. Pawing a bit at the rock, "Every direction will take you to people if you go far enough." Pointing his right paw forward, "In that direction lives the fox hunter, where as in that direction," he said switching feet and pointing to his left, "lives the deer herder. Go either way you like though: they're both mad."
Sasuke stood there and glared at the Konoha-Weasel completely non-pulsed. "...They're both mad?" he asked blandly.
"Correct," the Weasel nodded cheerfully.
Lowering his head slowly into his hand, "But I don't want to among mad people," he began.
"Oh, but you can't help that," said the Weasel: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"I am not mad," Sasuke insisted.
"Could have fooled me," scoffed the Weasel.
"Fine," Sasuke said haughtily. "If it's anything like it has been, or still is," he said, looking contemptuously at the Konoha-Weasel, "by the 'fox hunter', you must be referring to Naruto." Pausing for a bit and looking back toward Orochimaru's lair, "I most certainly am not going back. So I guess it's to the deer herder's.
"Thanks," he mumbled back at the Weasel.
"Not a problem!" the Weasel said cheerfully and disappeared.
Starting his way towards, what he presumed, was Shikamaru's house, "You did say you didn't know what became of the other boy, correct?"
"Will you stop that!" screamed Sasuke, turning around to now confront the Weasel trailing behind him.
"Alright, alright," the Weasel said, his small lips curling into a smile. Starting to hum, his body began to fade slowly... starting at the tip of his black nose, the black stripes began to disappear first, with the red ones in tow. In the end, all that remained was the faint outline of what once the Weasel's eyes and grin, and a soft humming that rang through the forest. Caught somewhere between disgust and relief, a slight shiver ran down Sasuke's spine.