I don' t own the stoll's or percy jackson- rick riordan does

The first time he saw Travis Stoll in six years, his son was at second base with Katie Gardner.

When Hermes was sixteen, Apollo announced that Hermes had lost his virginity, to get back at him for the whole cattle thing.

And after he walked in on Chris Rodriguez and Clarisse La Rue, he announced it with a megaphone and told him it was "initiation".

After he announced Chris's de-virginizing, he then had to rescue Chris from Ares and put him under 24-hour-murderer-watch.

He cries in Dumbo at the "baby of mine" scene.: 1

When he's upset, he storms through Manhattan and starts shouting at people about his problems, until someone stops and gives him good advice.

He's been on Oprah three times, because of this.

After Luke's death, he had a seven hour conversation with a homeless man named Joseph about his parenting skills: 2

He invented explosives, and to this day his kids specialize in them, as most know.

After Kronos's defeat, he tried to spend as much time with his kids as possible, and each time something ended up exploding/bursting into flames.

Last Father's Day, the hermes cabin and Hermes, himself blew up Apollo's house, by accident of course *wink, wink*.

It took Hermes 122 hours to explain Facebook to Zeus.

He's bailed Travis and Connor out of jail ninety-seven times in the past year.

In 1982, he walked in on his daughter and her boyfriend, and tried to feed him to George.

At the end of Jaws 3, he and Apollo stared at the screen for three hours, then Apollo made the screen burst into flames: 3

He had to rescue the Pope from his kids, two weeks ago (long story short- they cannot set foot in Italy).

He cannot get drunk, no matter how hard he's tried.

He is on Team Jacob.

Hermes cried when he read about Remus Lupin and Tonk's deaths and yelled at the top of his lungs, causing a quake- "HOW COULD ROWLING DO THAT TO TEDDY?"

He often wonders about Apollo's sexuality out loud.

Needless to say, he's not on good terms with the sun god anymore.

He has currently 6 kids at Camp Half Blood, 5 of which have gotten him arrested, and one of which has gotten him beaten up by the God of War: 4

After Kronos was defeated, he and the Stoll's did get around to raiding Dylan's Candy Bar.

He has gone through 47,000 mid-life crises', most of which have caused something to explode.

The first time Hermes met Travis & Connor since they were babies, when they were little, they thought he was a robber so, Travis drop-kicked him in the groin, and Connor bit him on the leg: 5

He still has a scar where Connor Stoll bit him.

That's it, no flames please! I know this wasn't that funny. Honestly this one I was at first going to try and make more serious, like his parenting and his kids. But then I made a few purverted jokes and gave up! So...no flames! My therapist and I already have enough to talk about...(jk- sorta!)

1: Based off of my mom- but she cries in everything ITS SO SADDD. :'(

2: I actually did that when I lived in vancouver, and he was actually REALLY sweet and understanding. Like i was homesick (i live in New york) and i was having some family issues with my parents's hating each other and he was super sweet about it and gave me some fantastic advice- NEVER UNDERESTAMATE HOBOS, PEOPLE! He told me his story, too- anyone who want's to know it, ask- but it's long and dramatic.

3: The. Movie. Sucked. I mean, good plot idea- fucking horrible directing and script! I mean, really, suddenly Chief Brody's kids are texan? What the hell, man? (say it in a stewie griffin voice, it's funner).

4: Number 3

5: Travis & Connor Stoll are NOT twins. Demigod pregnancies take 3 months, and Hermes stuck around with their mom long enough to get her pregnant twice. So Travis is about 3/4 of a year older than Connor. So when Travis and Connor tackled Hermes to the ground, (lmao- that happened to me yesterday- damn lil' cousins) Travis was 6 and Connor was 5.