Title: My Precious...Twinkie?
Fandom: Lord of the Rings crossover with Yu-Gi-Oh! And Zombieland.
Pairing: What is meant to be AragornxFrodo and GollumxRingxSam will be covered with YamixYugi and TallahasseexTwinkiexColumbus. You shall see what I mean later in this crack fic!
Summary: Pure crack written as a challenge cause you know, I'm up for writing crack this bad. X3 What do you get when you mix Lord of the Rings, Yu-Gi-Oh!, and Zombieland together? Why, you get this crack fic! XD Yaoi! Puzzleshipping and Talumbus fluff! Crack fic gift for my Twin sister Kuvera!
Rating: T; PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own LoTR, YGO, or Zombieland, or any of the characters that I play with as shown.
Warnings: Mild violence, swearing, SEVERE CRACK, and yaoi/slash galore! XD Don't be offended by any of this, for this fic was just for fun. And for lots of laughs. Enjoy! And hopefully you won't die of laughter by the end of this. ^_^
'Well this sucks. How did I get stuck into this again?' Columbus thought as he looked over at his...rather short companion and sighed. At first he thought this was all a dream; one that was a bit too real for him when he accidentally tripped over what he thought was a large stick, only to find out that it was another person who had the strangest hair he ever saw in his life. His companion had hair that was shaped like a starfish, and was even multi-colored. But what threw Columbus off was the deep, exotic amethyst eyes the younger had.
'Bet he gets called a kid with those wide eyes of his all the time...' Ohio was cut off from thinking when he noticed that his shorter companion stopped and was now looking at him.
"What's wrong?" Columbus asked, silently cursing the fact that he didn't have a hoodie on; he needed something to chew on...badly. Instead he was wearing black slacks with a ragged white shirt, and had a light brown cape that was pinned together around his neck by a little green leaf.
"Ummm Columbus? Can we take a break? I kinda need to relief myself now." Yugi said, blinking his puppy eyes at his taller companion. Columbus nodded, and sat down on the nearest log while Yugi took off his backpack and placed it near Ohio's feet, and then ran off, being careful not to run too far into the woods; he didn't want to lose the only companion he had in this strange world.
While Yugi was gone, Columbus reached in his back pocket and grabbed a folded piece of paper. He sighed again as he unfolded the piece of paper, staring at the map that really didn't make sense to him. "Who the hell names a forest 'Wilderland'? Uggh." Columbus muttered to himself. He still didn't know how the hell he got here in the first place; all he remembered was Little Rock coming out from some shop with a book that supposedly had witchcraft and many ancient spells in it, and was reading them out loud in the hummer on the way to the house they recently found. He vaguely remembered Tallahassee yelling out at him, and then blackness filled his vision.
"Columbus! Hey Columbus!" Yugi yelled out as he ran back towards the ex-college student. Columbus stood up, looking at his young companion in worry as he skidded to a stop in front of him, nearly colliding into his taller companion.
"I found this on a tree branch just a moment ago." Yugi breathed out as he dug into his pocket and held out something that made Columbus gasp and stare at the thing Yugi held out on his palm in surprise and shock. It was...a Twinkie. And by the looks of it, it was a brand new Twinkie that was in its perfect plastic wrapper. But what made Columbus stare at it was the symbols that were on bright yellow snack. The two companions stared at the Twinkie for a few minutes until the younger one finally spoke up, "Why do I have the feeling that things are going to get even weirder than it already is by finding this?"
"...I honestly just got the same feeling." Columbus muttered as Yugi pocketed the mysterious Twinkie and grabbed his backpack near Ohio's feet. Columbus just shook his head as the two kept walking deeper into the forest, not stopping until they finally saw a large river ahead of them. As soon as they got to the river's bank, both Columbus and Yugi let out a huge sigh of relief and sat down on the bank at the same time.
"You know Columbus, I really didn't have the chance to tell you thanks for helping me out and for sticking with me. Even though we are from other worlds and don't know a thing about each other, I'm glad that we didn't let our difference get in the way of helping each other out." The King of Games said as he smiled over at Ohio.
"It's not a problem Yugi. And your welcome. Glad that I finally found someone who is thankful to have me around..." Columbus joked as he sat up and offered Yugi a smile of his own.
Yugi was about to ask what Ohio meant by that, until he heard a strange noise coming from the other side of the river. The King of Games saw Columbus look over where the noise kept coming near them by the second.
"The hell is that?" Columbus blurted out as he looked frantically around for some sort of weapon to use just in case it was something that would try to harm them. He cursed under his breath when the only thing he could find was some sharp rocks, and whirled around when the noise stopped and he heard a deep baritone voice call out, "Yugi! I finally found you!"
Ohio looked over at Yugi, who was just as shocked and surprised as he was seeing his strange look-a-like on a horse, wearing black pants along with a long-sleeved silver chain mail, and had a black vest over his mail to complete his outfit. A leather boot gently kicked the horse on it's side, the horse softly whined a little and crossed the river with ease. But what shocked Columbus the most was the look-a-likes eyes. They were a blood red. 'What's with these guys and their exotic eye colors?' The ex-college student thought while he smiled nervously at the newcomer.
Yugi grinned at his darkness as his other half made his horse do a little circle around both him and Columbus and then stopped in front of the two companions. Yami dismounted and almost lost his footing on the ground as a blur of red and black tackled him, and felt arms wrapping around him.
"Yami! I'm so glad that you found us! I thought we would never find civilization!" Yugi exclaimed as he loosened his hold on his darkness and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"Fear not, Aibou! For I shall always find you, no matter where we are!" Yami was about to thoroughly kiss Yugi and attempt to make out with him, but his Hikari slipped out of his embrace and shoved him to where Columbus was watching them with amusement in his eyes.
"Yami, I'd like you to meet Columbus, my new traveling companion; Columbus, this is Yami, my boyfriend. And before you ask, we look the same cause we are a light and dark pairing." Yugi grinned as Columbus blinked at him a few times, then held out his hand towards Yami.
"I wasn't about to ask about that, but alright. It's nice to meet you, Yami." Ohio smiled as he shook hands with Yami. The ex-pharaoh nodded at him, and then turned back to Yugi.
"By the way, Yugi...You look so adorable wearing loose clothes like that..." Yami replied, and smirked at the light blush that was creeping onto Yugi's face.
"Quit calling me that, Yami!" Yugi blurted out and playfully pushed Yami away from him. "I am not adorable!"
"Oh yes you are..." Yami growled and pulled Yugi into a hug. "Your my adorable hikari!"
Yugi looked up at his Yami slyly and kissed him, his tongue slipping out to run across Yami's bottom lip before pushing away from him and walking back to where Columbus was sitting on the sand with the map he had earlier.
"You are such a tease, Hikari..." Yami muttered as he followed Yugi to where Columbus was at, and looked at the map in Ohio's hands. "So. Where are you two heading to?" The ex-pharaoh asked with interest.
"Well, that's the thing, Yami. We have no clue where we are at, or where anything might be at for that fact." Yugi sighed, then perked up a bit when he got an idea. "Hey Yami...Do you know where we are at?"
"...Well Hikari. Would you believe me if I said that I have no clue either?" At the stares he got from Columbus and Yugi, Yami pressed on, "I woke up on top of some cliff, or huge rock, whatever it was...and this horse was around when I looked around, so I decided to look for you, Yugi and see if you knew what was going on." When he finished, Yami heard both Columbus and Yugi sigh at the same time.
"Well, I guess we should find a good spot to camp out so we can rest for tonight." Columbus said as he put the map back in his pocket. "And find some food while I'm thinking about it."
"Wait a minute. What's that over there?" Yugi asked as he pointed to a figure on the other side of the river that was crouching near the water, looking like it was drinking the water.
"It might be someone who can help! Let's go!" Yami exclaimed and jumped back on the horse. Yugi and Columbus gave each other looks, which didn't go unnoticed by the ex-pharaoh. "What are you two waiting for?" Yami asked with a confused look.
"Ummm...Yami, this might seem a bit awkward, but do you think the three of us can fit on that horse at once?" The hikari asked, and rolled his eyes when Yami's face turn from confusion into one of wonder.
"Sure we can hikari. You get in front of me and Columbus can ride behind me. Simple as that, right?" Yami exclaimed with a grin. Yugi sighed and motioned Columbus to get on first behind Yami and then proceeded to get on in front of Yami.
"No dirty thoughts or you'll be on the couch for a week." Yugi said as he stared ahead at the mysterious figure, while Yami pouted at Yugi's words. "Hikari, you are a cruel lover, you know that?" And urged the horse forward with it's new passengers on it.
As the trio moved towards the crouching figure, Columbus was having a bad feeling that things were going to turn out very awkward soon. As the horse crossed the river and made it's way down the bank, Yugi blurted out, "The person looks like it's trying to catch a fish!"
Columbus blinked at that statement, and tried to look over both Yami and Yugi's hair, but to no avail. Instead, he was surprised as the horse reared up, sending the trio into the sand sputtering and confused as to what could have made the horse freak out.
"Hey! That's mine!" Columbus heard Yugi shout, and also heard a growl coming from Yami. Ohio moaned and shook his head from dizziness, and looked over to where the cloaked figure was now clutching the mysterious Twinkie to it's chest, as if the yellow treat were the last of it's kind on earth. 'Heh. That's ironic. After the zombie apocalypse happened, Twinkies were limited, and Tallahassee still has trouble finding a box of them...' Columbus was pulled from his thoughts when the mysterious figure started walking towards him, ignoring the yells coming from Yugi and Yami.
Ohio got on his feet and would have run for his life, but he was startled when he caught a glimpse of familiar blue eyes under the hood, and stood still as the figure came closer until he was face to face with the mysterious person.
"Wh-who are you?" Columbus stuttered and took a step back from the nearness of the stranger. But to his surprise, a gruff voice answered back, "It's me, Spit-fuck."
Columbus could only stare in shock as the mysterious person lifted a hand up to pull back the hood, revealing one pissed off Tallahassee. He faintly heard both Yugi and Yami gasp in surprise at the redneck.
"Talla-" Before Columbus could say anything, he felt strong arms wrapped around him as a pair of lips crashed into his, making him gasp in surprise as a slick tongue slipped into his mouth, before it retreated back into its owner's mouth.
"I don't know how the hell we got here, but I'm bettin' Wichita had somethin' to do with this. Think she is an evil witch by chance?" Tallahassee muttered as he released Columbus and gave the mysterious Twinkie a kiss as well.
Ohio sighed at that; the southerner always blamed Wichita when something bad happened to them, whether it was not finding a good place to stay at or not finding any Twinkies that day. Either way, he had to introduce him to his new companions or he might think he is cheating on him..."Tally, I'd like you to meet my new companions I've met in this strange world we are in..."
Tallahassee looked over to where two spiky-haired kids were hugging each other; the small one had a worried look on his face while the slightly bigger kid also had a worried look, but it was for the smaller kid, and he occasionally gave Florida a glare.
"The younger one is Yugi and the older one is Yami. And their hair and eyes are natural, by the way. Anyway, Do you-" Before Columbus could ask if Tally knew where they were at, he was being crushed against the man's chest, and couldn't believe what he was hearing when Tallahassee glared at the two look-a-likes while hissing out, "Mine! My Precioussss. All MINE!"
The ex-college student shook his head and asked, "What are you talking about, Tally? The Twinkie or me?" To his credit, Tallahassee stopped glaring for a second and said, "Right. Forgot about my Twinkie." Then went back to glaring at the young boys. "Mine! My Precious...and Twinkie!"
Columbus buried his face in the crook of Tallahassee's neck when he heard Yugi giggle with Yami chuckling. Why did Florida have to be so damn possessive and over-protective?
"Because that's how I am, Columbus." Ohio blinked when his question was answered by the redneck holding him and couldn't fight the blush that was spreading on his face. "I..I didn't mean to say that out loud." Columbus muttered as he nuzzled against Florida's neck.
"You know, it makes me wonder if we are either dreaming about all of this, or are we just unfortunate people who got mixed up with some other guys who live here? Yugi said as he cuddled against his Yami.
"Knowing our damn luck, we probably got mixed up. You think Little Rock can reverse whatever spell Wichita put on us, Ohio?" Tallahassee asked while burying his face in Columbus' curls.
"Mmm. I dunno, Florida. But I bet you they are trying their hardest to fix all of this up right now. All we gotta do is sit tight and hope everything is fine." Columbus replied and relaxed in Tallahassee's embrace.
"Hey Yugi. Wonder what everyone else is doing without us right now..." Yami said as he played with his hikari's blond bangs.
"I dunno, Yami...Hopefully they aren't too worried about us." Yugi sighed as he continued to cuddle up against his pharaoh.
"Aragorn! What are these contraptions! And why are all these people wearing these strange clothing, like the tight clothes we have on now?" Frodo rambled in a near panic state, watching the handsome ranger watch the contraptions in front of them with wonder in his eyes.
"I have no clue Frodo. But don't worry. I'm sure we'll find a way back home..." Aragorn replied as he watched two young boys climb into what was known as a motorcycle in the time period they were in, and gaped in shock when he saw them playing...some kind of card game...
From beside the hobbit and ranger, a woman scoffed, "Card games on motorcycles?"
~North Carolina, Zombieland~
"Bah! What the bloody hell are these creatures!" Sam cried out as he pushed another bloody zombie away from him.
"My Preciousss...and Hobbit!" Gollum replied as he pushed Sam away from the ever growing crowds of flesh-eating ghouls.
"Let's find a way out of here!" Sam screeched out and ran, hoping that this was just another nightmare he would wake up from. Cause facing human sized creatures that eat flesh weren't Sam's idea of fun.
He only hoped that Mr. Frodo was in a more better place than him...
~Back in Domino City~
Frodo blinked. "Aragorn, what do they mean by 'card games on motorcycles'?"
The ranger only hugged Frodo closer to him and was about to answer back until a blonde headed guy yelled out, "Card Games On Motorcycles!"
Rabbit: Wow. Just wow. A random thought turned into complete crack within a minute. X3 Since I wrote this as originally a challenge, I'm going to give this fic as a gift to my Vanilla-Bear, Kuvera! :D And forgive me if anyone finds any mistakes. Wrote this till 4 in the morning, yo!
I hope everyone has enjoyed this crack fic! I might write more later on...It depends. XD