Why I Don't Sleep

The others are watching me quietly. They don't want me to know it, but they are worried- worried that I do not sleep, do not eat much. I should be touched, but sometimes it seems as if I will never care again, not since…
It is too painful, even now, so long afterwards. The others… they suppose I am a lover of men, since I have claimed no woman. The thought of male bodies interacting … that way… sickens me, though many would not believe it. It seems my heart is dead within me, lost forever. She stole it, kept it, broke it, destroyed it forever. How can this be, even now, I do not know. When this affair is done I will go to the sea, that pulls within me- where my heart used to be- to itself, drown in its wide blueness and forget…
Aragorn is watching me, waiting for me to sleep. I look away. How can I tell them that she fills my thoughts every time I close my eyes, pulling me down , back into the "innocence" of my youth…
She came to Mirkwood, young for an Elf, quiet, so shy the others kept away, but I could not. From the moment I first saw her, drowning in her own private sea of tears, my only thought was to hold her, comfort her, make her mine. And yet there was a wall between her and me, and she would not see me as more than a friend.
"I have been hurt," she said, "And even you cannot mend my wounds, for I am dying of sorrow."
I knew it was true, and yet I knew more that I could save her. Finally, that night, I caught her crying, alone, and I crushed her to me. At last she surrendered to my kiss, though she seemed reluctant- frightened.
"I will never hurt you," I said, and I meant it. That night, she truly stole my heart.
And then, one month later, when I was ready to wed her, she had left.
"Goodbye, Legolas," she said, softly. "I do not mean to break your heart, and yet I must go. This destiny is not mine!"
My heart died that day.
It died, and it has never come back.