How a mistake can change your life
Summary: J/C How a 'mistake' can turn your life around.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Paramount, but the story is mine! BDC 2010
The image of him and Seven kept haunting her in her dreams, so sleeping wasn't her favorite activity the last two weeks.
This had begun to have a serious affect on her mood on the bridge and elsewhere.
Her headaches were much worse than usual, making her snap at everyone, even little Naomi.
She had taken a day off, feeling sorry for the crew on the same shift as her, to try and sort out her thoughts and feelings.
Kathryn Janeway walked to Chakotay's door and wondered how her feet had managed to get her there.
'What am I doing? ' she thought to herself.
She rang his door chime and wished he was already asleep.
She didn't move.
The doors opened and he looked at her in question.
"I'm sorry." she began her retreat.
"Disturbing you at this late hour."
She turned, but he caught her by the hand.
She didn't look at him, afraid that he would read her eyes, like he always did.
"Nothing's wrong. I'm not even sure why I'm here."
He kept looking at her, crossing his arms over his chest.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"I don't want to admit it, but I'm… Sorry, forget I've said anything."
She turned to leave again, but he grabbed her by the arm, forcing her to look at him this time.
"Kathryn…" he smiled, knowing exactly why she was there.
He felt a little sorry for playing her like that, but it had been his last hope.
He leaned in closer.
"Stop talking." he whispered and kissed her softly on the lips.
He wrapped his hands around her waist and almost instinctively she locked hers behind his neck.
He gently pulled her inside and the doors closed, giving them the privacy to take it all the way into perfect bliss.
Kathryn woke up and looked around.
Suddenly she realized where she was.
A feeling of regret washed over her.
She heard Chakotay in the living area and quickly got out of bed.
She searched for her clothes and found them scattered all over the floor.
She put them back on, ran her hands through her sleep tussled hair and walked out of the bedroom.
Chakotay was busy setting the table with breakfast.
"Hey." he smiled when he saw her enter the room.
"Hey." she smiled back, but it faded as quickly as it came.
"Did you sleep all right?"
She pulled her robe closer, crossing her arms as if she was trying to protect herself from something.
"I hope you're hungry, I made us some breakfast."
He nodded towards the table.
"Actually, I should go, but thank you."
"Are you sure? It's pretty much all done."
He didn't want her to leave, but she was already heading for the door.
"I have some things I need to do, so…"
She looked over her shoulder, but kept walking.
Chakotay's smile faded.
"It's just breakfast, Kathryn!" he slightly raised his voice.
It made her stop dead in her tracks.
"Except, I shouldn't even be here right now."
She turned around and looked him straight in the eye.
He looked away and nodded.
She could see the disappointment.
"I'm sorry, I just… We can't pretend that last night was anything more than it was."
She looked down at her feet.
"I don't even know what last night was, Kathryn! I don't know you do either." he raised his voice again, feeling more angry and hurt.
"Well, I do know that you're with Seven, at least meant to be…"
She looked up, hoping he would tell her how wrong she was about that.
"Kathryn, let's talk about that…" he started.
"No, I don't have time. I don't…"
She took the last few steps towards the door, needing to get out.
'I don't want to hear that you love Seven. '
He wanted to talk about it, he didn't correct her, and so she knew something was definitely going on between them.
' I'm not ready for that.'
"I'll see you on the bridge."
She left him standing there and hurried out the door.
She rushed to her quarters and when her door closed behind her, she fell to her knees and cried.
Captain Janeway entered the bridge and saw Chakotay already sitting in his chair.
"Good morning." she greeted the crew and sat down next to him.
"Good morning, Captain." he said.
She gave him a quick smile and turned her head to the view screen.
"I was planning on going to the mess hall for some coffee later. Care to join me?"
"Thanks, but I don't think I'll have the time this morning. I still have loads of work to do."
She stood up and walked to her ready room.
Chakotay rolled his eyes, stood up too and followed her.
"Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge."
As soon as they were out of sight, he grabbed her wrist to turn her around.
"Kathryn, you know it doesn't have to be like this."
His voice was low.
"There is nothing to say. It was a mistake."
She looked him straight in the eye.
"No it wasn't! Not for me!"
He squeezed her hand.
She shook her head and pulled her hand free.
She walked around her desk and sat down.
Chakotay sat down in front of her on the edge of his seat, slightly leaning over the desk.
"Okay, if you want to know what last night meant to me…"
He reached over and placed his hand on her forearm, thinking of how to continue.
She refused to look at him, but he needed her attention.
"If it came down to choosing between you and Seven, I would choose you!"
Her eyes snapped up.
"What we had last night, I know you felt it. It was the same thing we've felt before, on New Earth, but this time we acted on it."
"Doesn't that mean anything to you, Kathryn?"
He paused for a moment to take a breath, but didn't leave time for her to say anything.
"There's nothing going on between Seven and me. We just shared a kiss and came to the conclusion that it didn't feel right."
"My heart wasn't into it, because my heart belongs to someone else."
He sounded so sincere.
Kathryn felt her eyes grow moist and had to fight the tears from falling.
She didn't know what to say and turned to look away.
"Seven of Nine to Commander Chakotay. Please report to Astrometrics."
He didn't respond.
"On my way."
He sighed and reluctantly let go of her arm.
She was still ignoring him, so he stood up and left.
Janeway sat at a table in the mess hall, absently looking out the window and sipping a cup of coffee.
She was completely consumed with her own thoughts.
'My heart belongs to someone else…'
"Captain." said a familiar voice and her chest tightened.
She drew in a deep breath to try and maintain her composure.
"Everything all right in Astrometrics?" she asked.
"Fine, nothing to report."
"Great! Well, I have got a lot of work to do, so I'll…" she started and tried to get up, but Chakotay held her by the shoulder and sat down next to her.
"Can't that wait? We need to talk."
"I don't have time."
"Can you make time?" he insisted, not taking no for an answer.
"Do you think we can leave it like this much longer without talking?"
She looked away again, not wanting to go there, but he nudged her chin to make her look at him.
"I don't know about you, but this is killing me!" He whispered.
'I know the feeling…'
She looked around the room.
"Not here. Meet me in my quarters, tonight, 19.00."
She quickly stood up, before he could do or say anything, and left for the bridge.
Her door chime rang.
She was so nervous, she felt sick to her stomach.
Chakotay walked in, looking so handsome and for a second she thought she would throw up.
'Get yourself together, it's just Chakotay. Act like a Captain. You're in control! '
He wasn't in uniform, but wore a nice shirt that wasn't buttoned all the way up and slightly revealed his strong, masculine chest.
His beautiful tanned skin seemed to glow in the dimmed lighting.
They didn't say anything.
They sat down on her couch, his knee almost touching hers.
"So, here we are. Talk." she said, trying t sound in control of the situation.
He sighed and looked at her, but didn't say anything.
"What?" she asked.
"I've done enough talking, Kathryn. You know I want to be with you, but I have no idea of what you want right now."
He placed his hand on her knee.
She felt something tingle inside.
"Maybe it's because I don't know either." she said, barely a whisper.
He chuckled, but kept a straight face.
She looked into his big brown eyes and felt herself getting lost in them.
"That's a first. Do you think you can come up with an answer soon?" he pushed, sounding a little annoyed.
"I don't know." she replied, also irritated with the way he was pushing her.
"You pressuring me isn't going to help."
He let go of her knee and looked away.
She sighed and closed her eyes.
They weren't getting anywhere like this.
"Besides, it's not like we can pursue anything like a relationship. We have our responsibilities as Captain and Commander."
The truth hurt her, hearing herself say it.
"I've told you how I feel about you! I don't care about Starfleet regulations!"
"We are a long way from home and I'm not interested in putting my life on hold for the next 50 years!"
He sounded really angry now.
"YOU came to ME! To MY quarters! YOU took the first step!"
He stood up and started pacing.
"I let it go, Kathryn, after New Earth. I accepted the fact that you wouldn't return the feeling while on Voyager."
"And then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, you're there at my door. What is this, are you leading me on? Just in need of…"
"NO!" she yelled and jumped up too, grabbing him by the arm.
"No? You just slept with me, when I'm trying to get on with my life. Trying to deny my true feelings for you."
Tears welled up in his eyes and her heart felt like it was being pulled out of her chest.
She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck.
He pulled her into a hug and held on to her.
She closed her eyes and fought against the tears.
"Oh Chakotay, if you only knew how I truly feel about you."
"Then tell me!" he whispered.
She pulled back a little and saw a tear run down his face.
She put her hands on his cheeks, rubbing the tear away with her thumb.
"Chakotay, I… I love you!" she finally admitted and kissed him softly on the lips.