Edward Cullen: Confessions of a Love Sick Geek


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N There is a lot of ground to cover in this chapter, so it's quite long, I probably could have split it into two chapters, I just couldn't find a good stopping point until the end. So enjoy!

Also this Fic is rated M for a reason. If you don't want to hear about masturbation, crude language or explicit lemons. STOP READING.

**Edward Cullen**

My heart was frantically beating, as it always did whenever she was around. Our small group stood to cheer as the principle called Emmett's name out and he approached the podium to accept his diploma. The crowd erupted in laughter and catcalls as he did a back flip off the stage.Show off. Feeling the need to cover up my grimace with a fake smile was common practice for me these days, but the moment I heard Bella giggling, my fake smile became a painfully real grin. The hard metal braces wrapped around my teeth made it difficult, but I couldn't seem to stop whenever she was around. She looked at me excitedly, sharing a smirk meant just for me.

It was the end of my junior year, and I found myself sitting on the hard bleachers by the football field, wearing a ridiculous red poncho and watching Emmett and Jasper graduate. I should have been happy for my brother and my friend, but I couldn't help but feel jealous knowing they would have their first semester of college to keep them busy this summer, as I wallowed in my own personal hell of self-pity and regret. I knew most kids were ecstatic about having the entire summer to party, go to the beach, and sleep in. I was the exception, though, because I was mentally preparing myself for what I fully expected to be the worst summer of my life. The summer Bella left.


Ever since Bella moved to Forks my fourth grade year, we'd been best friends and inseparable. When I first laid eyes on her, I thought she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. I watched as her long mahogany hair cascaded around her face, allowing only a small glimpse of her anxiously twitching fingers as they tapped rhythmically at her desk. When the teacher called on her to introduce herself to the class, she moved to stand, and I felt a tiny gasp escape my lips as her face appeared to me from underneath her silken locks. Under sudden scrutiny, a blush quickly set fire to her cheeks, creating a rosy glow. She seemed so shy as she crossed the expanse of the classroom from her desk to greet her new classmates. She looked down at the floor for a moment. Her lips were moving slightly, but there was no sound coming out. It was as if she were giving herself a pep-talk.

The next moment, her eyes somehow found mine. They were attracted like magnets.

She held my gaze for several seconds, and then she smiled shyly and said, "My name is Isabella Swan, but you can all call me Bella."

The way she looked at me, made me feel as if I was the only person in the room. I was overwhelmed with unfamiliar feelings, so of course, I blushed and smiled before looking away. It was just in time to see Tyler and Mike smirking and high-fiving each other, most likely deciding that one of them would be her new boyfriend, or something equally repulsive. I was instantly deflated, seeing that they'd noticed Bella. She was so pretty. How could they not? I knew she could easily be popular, and my chances of having her as a friend were slim, as I obviously didn't belong with that crowd or any other crowd, for that matter. Being one of the smallest boys in my grade didn't do me any favors, not to mention the fact that my mother dressed me in argyle sweaters and penny loafers. To make matters worse, my near blindness forced me into coke bottle glasses, and the gap between my two front teeth eventually required me to get braces.

As the bell rang, I jumped out of my seat, ready to leave class as quickly as possible. In my rush to leave, I failed to notice the sudden obstruction in my path. The moment I passed Tyler's desk, his leg shot out and caught my foot, violently slamming my frail frame into the ground. My books skidded across the floor, and my glasses snapped on impact. Upon feeling my face heat with anger, pain, and embarrassment, tears welled up in my eyes. Tyler and Mike high-fived again on their way out, while the other kids emptied out of the classroom. Some were laughing, while others shook their heads in obvious pity.

No longer able to hold in my feelings, the dam broke, and tears began to pour down my cheeks. I had already started to pick up my belongings, when I felt a soft hand brush against my own as someone handed me my calculator. I looked up with my tear-filled eyes to see Bella's concerned smile. There was no trace of pity on her sweet face, and in that moment, I thought she must be an angel.

"Hey, are you ok?" she asked sweetly.

"M-M…My glasses," I blubbered, clutching the pieces tightly in my hand.

She gasped sharply, and the flash of anger that passed over her face slightly frightened me. I cringed, thinking she that must be angry with me for crying like a pathetic baby.

"That asshole tripped you, didn't he?" she seethed.

I looked up in surprise and amusement, suddenly feeling a smile tugging at my lips. I had never heard a girl curse like that before, and frankly, it sounded quite funny, coming from someone so pretty. I looked up to see Bella gathering my books, shaking her head, and muttering things about hating bullies and assholes, from between clenched teeth. I couldn't help but feel amused, so I snickered. She looked up at me, surprised by my unexpected laughter.

"I'm s-s… sorry, it's just… I uh… I never heard a girl say the A word before," I whispered, suddenly feeling shy again.

She laughed loudly back at me. "Well, just so you know, I am not like other girls," she said mischievously."What's your name?" We began putting everything into my backpack.

"I'm Edward… Edward Cullen." I smiled back tentatively.

She shook my hand gently. "Nice to meet you, Edward… Edward Cullen," she teased, and I blushed again.

"Well, I gotta go, Edward. My dad is probably waiting for me. Can you see well enough to make it to the bus or the parking lot? Because I can walk you either way if we hurry," she offered.

"Uh…I'm okay," I said, not wanting to delay her further or cause her father to have to wait for her.

"Okay, if you're sure you'll be ok?" she asked skeptically.

"Thank you, B-B Bella, it was nice of you to help me," I stuttered out a response, declining so I wouldn't be taking advantage of her unexpected generosity.

"What are friends for, Edward?" She smirked cheekily.

"You want to be my f-f… friend?"

"Sure, silly, but I have to go now, okay? See you tomorrow, Edward… Edward Cullen." I laughed back this time, excited by the prospect of having an inside joke with my new friend, even if it was at my expense.


After that day, Bella and I became best friends, spending most of our free time together, but it never progressed into anything more. That first day seemed to define the nature of our relationship from then on. Bella never treated me like a burden and acted as if she enjoyed defending me, as if it were her duty to be my own personal bodyguard. Unfortunately, her protective nature sometimes caused even more trouble with Mike and Tyler. Since I had a girl fighting my battles, I was teased constantly when Bella wasn't around. The fact that I let it go on for so long, just enjoying the attention she gave me, had eventually cemented our roles as hero and victim. For years, I was content to have our friendship remain that way, hoping I would grow out of my desperate geekiness and she would finally take notice.

Comic books were a great escape for me, and it was even cooler that it was something we both enjoyed. Drawing was a passion, so I began writing and drawing my own comics. I'd had a few short stories published in amateur contests, so I felt confident in my abilities as both a writer and artist. I wanted to do something personal, a series, something special. When I made the decision to start, I kept getting drawn back to Bella. I couldn't help but be inspired by her strength and fierce protectiveness. She was my hero.

She unknowingly became my muse for Solar Eclipse. My main character, Isabella Strangelove, was sort of a superhero. She was a vigilante vegetarian vampire who could read minds. I decided to write Isabella's story in comic form as a way to show Bella how much I cared for her. When I began issue 1.1 at the beginning of junior year, everything really took off.

~*~Solar Eclipse~*~

Issue 1.1

Isabella found herself stalking the back alleys of New York, night after night, listening for trouble. Her vampiric hearing alone would have been enough to lead her to her prey, but nature deemed her worthy of more. If vampires could get headaches, Isabella would have one monstrous migraine from her ability to hear others' thoughts.

As she picked through the brains of people passing by, she listened for the minds of rapists, murderers, and thieves. They were becoming few and far between these days, as she had been cleaning up the city for over a year now and had earned both a reputation and a nickname. The petty criminals she spared had been witness to her inhuman strength, speed, and glowing golden eyes. Among the media and on the streets, she was commonly referred to as "The Demon Girl."

Her real name was Isabella Strangelove, first born in 1889, and then reborn in 1913 at age twenty-four when she was found nearly beaten to death in an alley. A golden eyed nomadic vampire, Garrett, changed her and quickly took her away from the city. He befriended her and taught her to fight and control her amazing mind reading power for justice. Being a religious man, he couldn't bear to kill any sentient being, so he instilled in Isabella his ways of living the vampire equivalent of a vegetarian lifestyle.

A decade later, they were back in the city fighting crime and protecting the innocent from monsters, both human and vampire. All was well until a very old and powerful vampire, James, set his sights on Isabella. He wanted her to be his mate, so he found a way to separate the two and attack Garrett. He tore her gentle friend apart, burned the pieces, and then went after Isabella. Unaware of her abilities, in his mind, he replayed the murder he had just committed. Using her power and fighting skills, Isabella's attack surprised James, and she was able to anticipate his every move. Her skills combined with the rage of revenge allowed her to destroy him. Afterward, the devastating loss of her sire left her empty and depressed.

She spent the next seventy-five years in isolation mourning Garrett, until one night, she heard the vilest thoughts she had ever heard in all her one hundred and fifteen years. The mind of a serial killer and rapist was calling to her to be destroyed. Were it not for her infallible vampire mind, her skills of torture would have been long forgotten. She crushed his bones and bruised his body, all without spilling a drop of blood. Ridding the world of his filth reawakened something in her, a need she hadn't felt since she'd lost Garrett, a need to protect the innocent.

It was a cool October night, and Isabella was running across rooftops listening. She came to a sudden stop when she caught the thoughts of two men pushing another man into an alley at knife point. She was quick to react, hoping to get to them before any blood could be shed. She stopped at the edge of the rooftop near the alley. The building was roughly three stories high, so she dropped from windowsill to windowsill until she was at the bottom. The moment she hit the ground, she heard the victim refusing to give up his wallet, inciting his captors to slam his head against the wall.

"Hey pig-fuckers, let him go now." She growled from behind them. They turned to see the tiny girl and laughed. She pulled down the hood of her jacket to reveal her glowing eyes and then flashed her razor sharp teeth with a predatory grin. Their eyes widened with recognition in the presence of The Demon Girl. They released the unconscious man they had been terrorizing and ran away. Isabella was about to leave, when she noticed the victim's current state. She took an appraising look at his wounds, releasing her breath, when she realized there was no blood. With a clear mind, she decided that an alley was no place to leave an unconscious man. She wasn't sure whether she should take his wallet out to get his address or take him to a hospital. She inexplicably reacted to the need to place her cold dead hand against the small bump forming on his forehead. Her cold touch shocked him, and his eyes shot open, gazing stunning green into her glowing gold. She waited for his mind to become inundated with fear and the instinct to run, but to her confusion, she heard nothing.

His eyes locked on hers with unblinking shock and awe. In the moments they stared at each other, he sensed she was more than human. She looked like a beautiful statue with a silly, dumbfounded expression, and yet, as goofy as she looked, she was easily the most stunning creature he had ever laid eyes on. He began wondering if he had experienced head trauma or if he was possibly dead, because he thought he must certainly be in the presence of an angel. He was about to open his mouth to speak, when the beautiful statuesque creature moved. To be continued…

Okay, so I'd written myself in there, too, as the green-eyed victim, of course. According to my plan, I knew I could have the first issue ready by Christmas. I had made storyboards for half of the first issue and was planning the second half. Things seemed to be going smoothly, until one fateful day my worst nightmare came to fruition.

It was the beginning of our junior year, a few weeks after I began working on Solar Eclipse. Bella, Alice, Rosalie, and Angela went to La Push beach one Saturday. That was where Bella met Jacob. Man, I hated that fucking guy. I had always thought that they must have been giving those guys steroids on the rez, because they were all huge. Jacob was no exception. The guy was a year younger, half a foot taller, and had almost one hundred pounds on my scrawny ass. He was all muscle, tanned skin, perfect teeth, and had a cocky attitude to match. How could I ever compete?

Bella and her friends arrived at the beach just in time to witness a fight breaking out. She found Jacob wrestling another one of those giant rez kids off of one of the punier ones. It seemed that like Bella, Jacob had his own geek buddy to protect. His confidence and willingness to help someone weaker drew her in. As much as I loathed what he represented to me, I couldn't blame the guy when he snatched Bella up quickly and asked her out that very day. They continued seeing each other and had dated throughout most of this school year. They were always spending time together, while I barely saw her outside of school during those dark months. I began to worry that I was losing my best friend, and I felt hopeless because I could see that the type of guy she wanted was nothing like me.

I knew things with Bella and Jacob had gotten pretty serious after a few months because I found out that Bella lost her virginity. I knew it was none of my damned business, but I overheard Bella, Rose, and Alice talking about it before school one morning. I thought my heart was going to dry up like a prune. I vomited, cried, and stayed home sick from school for a week, avoiding everyone. I even quit writing the comic since it made me cry every time I looked at it. I wanted to die.

It was only about six weeks ago when Jacob broke up with Bella. He admitted that he wanted to date Leah Clearwater, an older rez girl he'd met at his friend's wedding. He claimed that it was love at first sight, and Bella was devastated. As happy as I was that they were over, my heart broke for her. If I could have, I would have kicked his ass for hurting my girl, but the most I could do was to stand by her side and pick up the pieces.

The day of the breakup, she asked to come over. We sat close together on the couch, watched a Buffy marathon, and pigged out on junk food and popcorn. I even offered to massage her feet, which was amazing, except for the fact that I felt like a complete douche for getting turned on just from touching them. I was so hard for her and couldn't will it down, so I ending up creating a diversion so I could get away and take care of it.

After I was more relaxed, we laughed a bit, until I had to go and be an idiot by asking her if she wanted to talk about her breakup. It was completely my fault that she started to sob uncontrollably. I felt the need to take care of her the only way I knew how, so I pulled her close to me and held her while she cried. She curled herself into me, taking shuddering choking breaths and burying her head into my chest. I wrapped my skinny arms around her tightly, relishing the feel. She was holding on for dear life, and I never wanted to let her go. That was undoubtedly one of the most fulfilling moments of my life. She had never seemed more fragile to me, so I finally felt like I was protecting her, even though I knew my weak arms were probably nothing compared to the strong, comforting ones she wanted to be wrapped in.

Aside from the situation with Jacob, Bella and I were great together. We loved the same books, music, movies, and we'd get into these great discussions about them. We had sleepovers and gossiped with Alice and Rosalie about the "Forks Bitch Brigade"- Tanya, Lauren, and Jessica.

It was amazing, being so close to her, but I was practically one of the girls. I recently discovered that they all assumed I was gay, including my brother and Jasper. When Alice started asking all kinds of weird questions, I knew something was up. She wanted my opinion about various actors and a classmate Eric Yorkie, who happened to be the only openly gay kid at school. My face blushed nuclear when I realized what she was getting at.

As pathetic as it sounded, I was almost reluctant to admit to being straight. I was worried that the girls would no longer view me as non-threatening or would become uncomfortable knowing there was the possibility I could be attracted to one of them. Especially since this was absolutely true. I was thankful that Bella wasn't around for that confrontation, but I knew with Alice's big mouth, she'd hear all about it. Hell, she probably assumed it like everyone else did.

Even though I was so utterly straight and hot for Bella, I knew their assumptions weren't unfounded based on my past behavior. I had zero guy friends, other than Jasper, which was only by default since he was friends with my brother and dating Alice. I was a complete mama's boy, letting Esme fawn over me and buy all my dorky clothes, and I was also a huge feminist because of Bella. The most damning evidence was the fact that I had never voiced any attraction to another person, male or female. It was only because I'd already found the perfect girl, and no other could compare to my Bella. My friend Bella.

So, as I sat on the bleachers, watching my oaf of a brother and my only guy friend, Jasper, graduate, I was filled with jealousy. They were going to Seattle University in a few days for summer classes and would be leaving their women in my pathetic hands. I was barely holding it together, wondering how I would make it through this summer, all because my best friend, Bella, the girl I loved, was leaving me in less than twelve hours to spend the entire summer break with her mother. I wouldn't see her for two and a half months. I found myself full of regret and self-loathing, knowing I was too chicken-shit to tell her how I felt.

I was so thankful that Bella insisted I ride with her and Charlie to the airport to see her off. I watched as Charlie hugged her awkwardly and they mumbled goodbyes. Bella turned to me with a tear stained face, matching my own, and lunged for me, holding me tight.

"I…I'm going to miss you so much," she mumbled into my chest. My heart sang from her words, and I tightened my hold on her in return.

"Me, too," I barely managed to choke out as tears poured from my eyes.

I craned my neck, rested my forehead against hers, and sighed. The pain and love I felt in that moment was waging such a war inside me. I knew my heart would soon be ripped from my chest. I tried to take a deep, soothing breath, but just ended up choking on air as it entered my parched mouth and exhaled with a pathetic sob. She looked just as distraught as I felt, and in our tight embrace, it was easy to imagine she loved me the way I loved her. I was desperately holding on, until her flight was called and I had to let go. We said our goodbyes, and I watched her walk away from me. She left me feeling that half of my soul would be missing until she was with me again. I decided at that moment that when Bella returned, I was going to find a way to make her see me as more than friend. I refused to continue life as the pathetic little geek I'd always been. I wanted to keep her.


Authors Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and favorited my story. It means so much!