Dear John: Part 1 – All I Ever Wanted

How do you stand up and look at someone? How do you sit across from the table trying to have small talk? How do you shake their hand? More importantly, how do you do all this, when all you really want to do after so long, is hold them in your arms again; have their lips meet yours and never have a need to stop. How do you smile, when you the only thing ever worth having, is not yours anymore?

Well that's how I felt about Savannah. That's how I felt when I finally got the guts to go to her house before I had to go back. She's married, I kept telling myself, it's pointless. She's moved on, John, and you're only going to prove how much she hurt you. Pain. I thought again of when I got shot, and about my father. She's the only one you really have left. She's the only thing, that can make you happy. And that last thing, was what made me go. I knew, as well as anyone else did, that I had to go see her – husband, or not.

And that's where I was now: at what I knew to be Savannah's parents' house. We were sitting in silence across the table from each other, as the quiet gnawed at me. I wanted to do so much all at once – shout at her for getting married, comfort her for any sadness I made her feel and hold her in my arms again. Just one more time, and I'd feel like I could make it for another month. It was clearer to me now, now that I was sitting face to face with her for the first time in years; I still loved Savannah. And before I knew it, all the hurt rushed back to me, as I remembered getting that last letter.

"Why didn't you call me? Did you think that little of me, that you couldn't even give me more of an explanation that just…that letter? Couldn't you have given me at least one chance to change your mind?" I cried.

She couldn't even meet my gaze, but she began shaking her head slowly. "I couldn't," she whispered. And as she poured her heart out to me, I heard all the pain and sadness in her voice, and the only thing I wanted to do at that moment, was to protect and comfort her; remove every bit of sorrow and make her feel as happy as she did in those first two weeks we spent together when we first met. I put my arms around her, breathing her in, and happiness filled every inch of my body, as the gap between us I'd wanted to fill for how many years now was finally closed. She was in my arms again, and as I felt her grip as tight as mine, I knew she'd longed for this moment as much as I had. Somewhere inside her she wished she hadn't gotten married; and somewhere inside me, I wished I'd never left.

Her tears soaked into my shirt and I wanted only to hear her laugh, and to see her smile again. Savannah, was everything to me.