A/N: Gundum M is well advised to run away screaming from this story. It's going to be Trope-Overloaded to the gills. The rest of you, well…

This is quite likely my most explicitly perverted work to date.

I DO have a plot in mind, but…

MAXIMUM POWER! CRACK FIC MAKER!

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Crack Fic

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

A boy and a panda walked in the rain.

Yes, I'm finally writing that kind of fic. Hush now, let's get the ball rolling.

The boy was shorter than one would expect, and the umbrella, while unusual, wasn't all that strange. It certainly explained why he was still a boy.

"Maybe we'll run into some hot water before we get there," he was saying. "I mean, there's a good chance we'll run into a ramen vendor or something."

The panda made a sound, but it's actually response was a much more eloquent sign. How likely do you think our luck is going to stretch that far?

The boy sighed. "Good point. You sure you don't want to try fitting under the umbrella?"

Mammals have fur for a reason. I'll be fine.

This was not your typical duo.

...

"Genma's coming here?" Saotome Nodoka exclaimed happily.

Soun nodded as he showed the letter to Nodoka. She was an old family friend, and had been coming over since his wife– bless her soul– had died. They been best friends. "He says he's finally going to go through with the old agreement between the schools! It's a bit early, but no harm in setting up the groundwork. Hang on, let me read the rest…"

Nodoka waited impatiently as Soun read.

"… well, that's odd," he said, confused. "He says he'll be coming here to introduce 'his son Ranma'."

The two adults looked towards the living room, where the young ones were playing D&D.

"I'm sorry Ranma," Nabiki was saying. "But the guards instantly pick you out. Your Disguise check wasn't high enough to hide the fact that the guards custom-fitted uniform you stole doesn't fit you."

Ranma glared at her. "I never should have introduced you to the Evil Overlord List."

"Your own fault," Akane teased.

The two adults exchanged looks.

"There's likely a perfectly good explanation for this…" Soun ventured.

...

"Oh, crap," Genma said, staring down the business end of his wife's katana.

"Dear," Nodoka said pleasantly, gesturing to the scruffy looking boy with Genma. "Who is that boy?"

Soun sighed. "So much for patience."

"Hey, leave my dad alone!" the boy with Genma cried. "I'm Saotome Ranma, and if you don't put that thing down, I'm kicking your ass!"

Nodoka twitched. "Genma…" she drawled dangerously.

He swallowed. "There's a perfectly good explanation for this…"

...

Nodoka rubbed her temples. "Let me get this straight," she said. "This boy– " she pointed at the 'Ranma' that had come with Genma "– is someone you met and decided to take care of during your training trip. You've been passing him off as Ranma, since that way the paperwork fit."

"Uh, basically," Genma admitted, sweating.

"And now, you're planning to take him to Mahora Academy, because a friend of yours is doing you a favor and managed to enroll him there," Nodoka said. "Ignoring the fact you neglected to arrange this for your actual son."

Genma nodded.

"Anything else you forgot to mention?" Nodoka asked serenely. Soun, the other Ranma and the girls quietly edged away.

Genma smiled weakly. "Do you have any water?"

...

Two years later

Asuna's eyes darted warily, on the lookout for water.

"Would you give it a rest, Asuna?" her roommate, Konoka, skating along beside her, said. "Water is not out to get you."

"Yes it is," Asuna growled, stomping in a very unlady-like manner. "Konoka, ice-water could find me in the middle of the Sahara desert at high noon in the middle of summer, if it had to drop out of a plane. I need to always be on the lookout. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

"Is that your new catchphrase?" Akane, running along her other side, asked with a laugh.

"The path of a martial artist is fraught with peril, paved with landmines, with toll booths every five feet, manned by Nabiki," Asuna said resolutely.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Sis, you're over-reacting. If I could do what you could, I'd always have cold water on me."

Akane bopped him lightly as they ran. "Pervert," she chided easily.

"You know you want me," Ranma teased.

Asuna glared at him. "Being a girl is no fun. ARGH! Stupid monthly thing…"

"LA DEE DA DEE DA!" Ranma cried, covering his ears as they neared an intersection. "Well, this is my turn! See you later, girls!"

They waved goodbye to him as he ran towards the boy's middle school, while they ran on towards the girl's.

"Please let this not be the day people find out I'm an aquatransexual," Asuna said her daily prayer.

...

The train thundered down the track, heading inexorably to Mahora Academy. In three adjacent seats, three people sat with varying degrees of relaxation.

The one sitting by the aisle was a girl in her late teens, with dark hair. She wore an extremely short skirt and extremely high stockings. Her top was relatively unimportant to describe, though it was loose, practical, and not at all provocative. She was wearing a rather fetching pair of glasses as she read an old book, relaxed and a bit bored.

Next to her sat a blonde girl with her hair pulled back into a bun, wearing a white blouse and a blue skirt. She sat straight in her chair, looking ahead and seemingly ignoring her companions, hands folded calmly.

Near the window was a young boy in a suit and tie, who had a near-permanent mortified blush on his face, was unsuccessfully trying to take in the scenery flying past. His eyes, however, kept darting to the two girls in the seats next to him.

"Is something the matter, Negi?" Saber asked.

He blushed harder, and stared intently out the window. "No, nothing's the matter, Saber. Nothing at all."

Rin snorted. "Negi, so you boinked King Arthur. Get over it. Most kids– well, most boys would love to have that happen to them, never mind who it was with."

"Rin!" Saber hissed, flushing, her self-control slipping.

Rin grinned widely.

Negi thumped his head against the window, trying to dispel memories. Berserker, he thought to himself, remember Berserker. Remember how he almost killed you all. Don't remember what happened at the…!

"Negi, stop banging your head against the window before it breaks and they bill us for it," Rin said.

Negi sighed at thechide. "At least Illya's not here…" he muttered. "We have a little peace and quiet…"

"She's on the next train behind us," Rin said. "Shiro said they almost caught this train. No surprise. She's very driven. Stud."

Negi started banging his head against the window again.

"If I ever get a chance to go back in time like Archer did," Negi muttered, "I'm keeping myself from stopping at Fuyuki to meet Shiro. I could have come some other time, couldn't I? Or we could have just stayed pen pals, never really met."

Saber began to fidget. "Am I really so bad in b–"

Negi's hand snapped to cover her mouth with a speed that astounded the Servant. "Please don't mention things like that in public!" he pleaded. "I keep telling you! if anyone finds out, we'll get arrested!"

Rin patted Saber on the shoulder. "You're not bad in bed, Saber," she reassured her. "And I'm sure Negi doesn't think so either."

Negi glared at her. "Not helping, Rin!"

...

Miyazaki Nodoka pushed her wheelchair into 2-A's classroom, looking over her shoulder gratefully at Signum. "Thank you, Signum nee-chan," she said, eliciting a smile from the pink-haired woman.

"Nodoka-chan!" Haruna called out. "How are you feeling?"

"I'd better get going," Signum said, excusing herself.

"Have you heard?" Misora gossiped. "That new homeroom teacher of ours is finally going to arrive today!"

"They're replacing Death-Specs?" Asuna said as she balanced on a blackboard marker. "About damned time."

"Eh?" Nanoha said. "I thought you liked Takahata-sensei, Asuna-san?"

"I do. That's why I'm glad he's no longer going to be our teacher. No more blacks marks on his record!"

Ayaka sniffed. "You truly are a barbaric little monkey, aren't you, Saotome-san?"

Asuna glared at her. "You're not nearly as nice as your cousin Kuno."

They glared at each other, moving into martial stances as they got ready to fight…

"Look! Water!" Akane said, pointing randomly.

Asuna gave a scream and ran out of the room.

Akane smirked. "Works every time…"

A blue bracelet glinted around her wrist…

...

"Oh, crap," Yuuno Scrya said, just before the Jewel Seeds fell to Earth…

...

"Rin," Saber said. "How did you conveniently have an apartment ready for us when we reached Mahora?"

"Ah, ah!" Rin said, waggling her finger. "A magus never reveals her secrets. At least, not without… persuasion…"

"Rin!" Saber cried. "It's the middle of the morning!"

"What's your point?"

...

Takamachi Nanoha was having a perfectly average day. Get up, get dressed, make sure her roommate Akane was ready to go, help her find her Kyosei Panda plushy, run to school, meet new teacher who happened to be four years younger than she was, head back to the dorm, hear mysterious voice calling her name…

Wait… that wasn't right…

...

- To be continued...

...

A/N: Let the madness begin…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.