Disclaimer: Umineko belongs to Ryukishi; Chester A Bum belongs to Doug Walker. Note that this is mainly satirical, and try not to take anything TOO seriously; I know the answers to the questions the Bum raises and it is played for comedy.


And now it's time for Bum reviews with Chester A Bum

Tonight's review:

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST ANIME I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Oh desire SPOILERS!

There's this anime, called "Umineko No Naku Koro Ni", which means something like "When the Seagulls Cry".

Except no seagulls ever cry on the show! There aren't even any seagulls at all!

So why call it "When the Seagulls Cry"? Why not "When the Cousins Cry" or "When the Lesbian Witches Cry" or-or SOMETHING! I don't have any change to sue for false advertising!

And there's this guy, named Battler—

Wow, what a weird name.

And there's also these other guys named Jessica and George and Maria…

Hey, I thought this was Japanese! Those names don't even sound Japanese! Even I know when a name doesn't sound Japanese!

Chester might be Japanese, though.

And they're all cousins and everyone is like:

"YAY!"

And then Rosa is like:

"BITCHSLAP!"

And Maria always looks like she's on drugs! Especially when she smiles! What kind of drugs is she taking that make her smile like that? I WANT SOME!

So then Maria reads this letter that's all:

"I KEEL YOU."

And then everyone dies!

Oh no!

And then they're alive again!

Wait, what?

And then there's this witch named Beatrice, only no one actually calls her that; they all call her Baya…Baya…reek…something, something.

So then Battler is like:

"WITCHES DON'T EXIST!"

But dude, you have a witch with insanely large boobies—

Actually, everyone on this show has large boobies; I wish the women on the streets had those boobies.

Shoving them in your face and speaking in a really sexy yet oddly creepy manner, and you're claiming she doesn't exist? What the hell is wrong with this kid? That's like saying the grass is blue and the sky is green!

Although they did look that way to me once.

I was on drugs.

So then everyone is alive again, only Baya-something kills them all WITH CANDY!

Except then all these new screwy rules are introduced, like whenever she says something true she says it in red.

Only that's it—ALMOST NOTHING ON THIS SHOW IS SAID IN RED! WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S NOT REAL?

And how can she be randomly saying true stuff in red? I speak the truth all the time, and it never comes out in red!

The sky is blue—you see? NOTHING!

And then Battler is naked and at this banquet.

It's like a fangirl dream come true!

Only Baya-something has him on chains, so I guess she's like a dom-a-no-nay-trix type of person.

And then everything goes crazy!

Rosa takes on this army of goat people, and then eats her siblings, and Baya-something is like:

"IT'S PERFECTO!"

Wait, why is she speaking English?

And then we meet TWO MORE BEATRICES! And then there's this crazy battle with Beatrice one and Beatrice two, and then we learn about some cat in a box.

I found a cat in a box once! I don't know if it was alive or dead, though.

But it was spayed and neutered, though.

And then Eva finds the gold, and is like:

"This is serious business, Rosa."

And then Eva-Beatrice finds the gold and is like:

"WOO-HOO!"

And then Rosa gets drowned in jelly and squashed by cake…

What is it with people dying in food on this show? Do the creators have some sort of weird sugar fetish or something?

And then Battler slaps Beatrice and she's like:

"Forgive me."

And he's like:

"Really?"

And she's like:

"Nope, I troll you! A-ha-ha-ha!"

And then this girl, named Ange, also becomes Beatrice…

HOW MANY BEATRICES CAN THIS SHOW HANDLE?

And Ange is Battler's sister—wait, what? Battler has a sister? When did this happen? She wasn't even mentioned in the first episode!

Or maybe I was on drugs and just didn't notice.

And things get even crazier! Like, there are these stake girls who become Ange's friends, and this one girl who becomes her lesbian friend…I think? Ooh! And there's this cute little lion named Sack-o-something, but then Rosa is like:

"RAWR I KEEL YOU!"

And Maria is like:

"NO I KEEL YOU!"

And Maria just twists her head off! It's insane! It's like the nightmare you get after watching those horror movies one too many times!

Maria herself could BE a horror movie!

Heck, she already IS a horror movie!

Oh, and then there's blue truth…

Why do all these truths need different colours? Is the truth a reading rainbow or something?

So then Beatrice is like:

"REPENT FOR YOUR SINS."

And Battler is like:

"WHO IS MY MOTHER?"

But then Ange has this really weird fight with her evil aunt, and then Eva shows up! Only she's supposed to be dead!

That's the whole thing with this show—people who die never stay dead, the truth is a hundred different colours at once, you've got crazy girls who run around half-naked with bunny ears and swords, women with boobies the size of Venus, goats and—and that crazy lesbian witch! With that other crazy lesbian witch who has a cat tail for some odd reason!

This show was made on drugs! It didn't make any more sense when I viewed it on drugs!

So then the lesbian witches show up and Ange is like:

"I AM YOUR SISTER."

And then she gets her period, and I guess this is so embarrassing for her since she doesn't appear again. So then Battler and Bee-a-something go out and have this crazy battle where this dragon shows up, and whenever Battler makes a theory she gets impaled by a blue wedge!

Wow, who knew debates could be so violent? I was on a debate team once; our way of debating was to go:

"I AM A MAN." *PUNCH*

Only here's the craziest part: Battler claims small bombs were responsible for everything! That makes complete sense! The small bombs set off the coloured-truths, and—and the special effects for the witches—oh, and were probably stuffed down the front of everyone's shirts, too.

And then she's like:

"Kill me."

And he's like:

"Okay."

And she's like:

"Who am I?"

And he's like:

"I'll kill you."

What kind of answer is THAT to a question? That's like asking:

"Uh, can I have some bacon and eggs?"

And the answer being:

"I'll kill you with this frying pan!"

And then we see the lesbian witches together, only they never kiss! And Battler and Beatrice never kiss or hug either! And they had more sexual tension than a married couple! And I'm not even part of a married couple!

And that's the end!

Only nothing ever gets explained, though. Like why was Battler all "RAHR I HATE YOU" one minute and then all "I LOVE YOU" the next? Why is he denying witches when they clearly EXIST? And most important of all, why can't we ever focus on the lesbians?

This is Chester A Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW C'MON HELP OUT A GUY OUT WILL YA? C'mon, change...

Won't you at least help the studio fund for a second season for more lesbian action?

The End

(Seriously though, "Umineko No Naku Koro Ni", the anime, is decent. And hilarious, for the wrong reasons.)