Chapter Five: Interactive Sues

Mary Sue, meet Mary Sue

Mary Sue steadied herself and examined her surroundings. She was in what looked to be a moderately sized kitchen. There was a large wood stove in one corner, and lots of pots and pans hanging from hooks on the walls. Behind her, she heard a shocked gasp and turned to look. There was an old woman standing there who looked vaguely familiar. She had bright blue eyes and though she was stooped now she looked as if she had once been tall and very beautiful. "Mary Sue," said the old woman, and laughed.

"How did you know my name?" asked Mary Sue.

"Because I am also Mary Sue," said the old woman, smiling. "Welcome to Minas Tirith. I must say you are luckier than I was when I landed. This place is a decided improvement on Far Harad and on Umbar."

"This is Minas Tirith?" said Young Mary Sue. "Oh wonderful!"

"I think that I will have to explain you as my long-lost neice," said Old Mary Sue. "Oh, and this is Amandur, my husband." She indicated the man had come up behind her.

"Oh," said young Mary Sue. "Um, pleased to meet you," all the while wondering why Old Mary Sue had picked him. He didn't look anything special, and judging by the house he wasn't a prince or a great lord or anything. Old Mary Sue glared at her, but she didn't notice. Later that evening Old Mary Sue took young Mary Sue aside to have a little talk.

"I can tell you are not very impressed with what I built here," said Old Mary Sue.

"Why Amandur?" she asked. "With your beauty, I would have thought you would find somebody more, more..."

"Better looking? Richer, perhaps? The Umbarian pirate who enslaved me for two years was both."

An awkward silence ensued.

Old Mary Sue sighed. "You are so shallow, child. These things are not important when set against kindness and courage. You'll learn. I just hope you won't find the lessons so harsh as I did."

The Suethor winced, remembering the Old Sue's story. Old Mary Sue seemed to have a knack for making her feel guilty. She quickly scanned the rest of the story. Apparently, Young Mary Sue tried to attract Lord Denethor's attention, and managed only to make a fool of herself. In spite of herself, the Suethor found herself giggling as she read what Young Mary Sue had done. Crashing a house-of-Hurin family party wearing a bikini? Idiot.

Obviously, this failed miserably, and Mary Sue had now ruined her reputation. She finally settled down with a blacksmith some eight years later. The Suethor was left wondering how the two Mary Sues in this story could be so different when they had been programmed exactly the same. Maybe the nurture argument was right after all - or possibly it was another flaw in that blasted program.

Mary Sue falls into the Belegaer:

And drowns.

Mary Sue lands on top of Caradhras in January:

And falls in a cravasse.

Mary Sue goes to Almaren:

Where she was immediately surrounded by fascinated Maiar, all chattering away in a language that seemed to be only half in human hearing and which Mary Sue did not understand. Mary Sue was overwhelmed, and couldn't manage to make any noise more informative than a small squeak. They were so very beautiful, and even she could feel the power radiating off them. She finally got her act together and croaked "Hi, my name is Mary Sue." Then all of the Valar arrived and she was once more speechless.

The Valar and Maiar were very kind, but they clearly didn't have a clue about how to deal with incarnate beings, let alone mortals. Trying to explain about food, sleep, and clothing was an exercise in hand gestures and frustration. Once they got the idea they were fine, and Mary Sue suddenly had more of whatever-it-was then she could possibly use. Even she couldn't figure out how to wear 1000 dresses in a reasonable amount of time.

Still, it was difficult. She couldn't manage to learn their speech, since she could only hear about half of it and could produce even less, so she taught them Westron. They seemed rather amused by this, especially when she had to correct Manwe's pronunciation.

They were also condescending. Oh, they didn't mean to be, but they couldn't seem to help it and on occasion she lost her temper. She ended up screaming at Yavanna that she was not a child! - to which Yavanna replied "To us you are, dear," and Mary Sue gave up in disgust.

Mary Sue falls in the Bay of Balar

And drowns.

Mary Sue lands in Long Lake

And drowns.

Mary Sue lands in the middle of the Dagor Dagorath:

And is killed by Turin Turambar by accident.

The Suethor groans. A famous battle, and her Sue gets killed by friendly fire. Still, there was a certain cachet to being killed by Turin Turambar by accident. It was at least traditional.

Mary Sue lands 20 miles East of Tol Eressea:

And drowns.

Mary Sue goes to Mandos:

Mary Sue looked around her in astonishment. One moment she had been drowning in deep water, and the next she was here. Here was shadowy grey halls that seemed made from smoke. She could see through the pillars if she tried. Immediately in front of her a glowing yet insubstantial person appeared. He was extremely tall, and for all that she could see right through him she had the immediate impression that this was somebody she didn't want to offend.

Namo, Lord of Mandos, groaned. "Not another one," he said. "You are the twentieth identical female mortal to turn up in my halls after falling into Arda in a fatal location. What are you doing here?"

"Being dead, I guess," said Mary Sue.

"That is fairly obvious," said lord Namo, looking down his nose at her. "Still, I suppose it is not your fault - the fault belongs to she who sent you. When I meet her she is going to regret it. Come this way, the mortal's section is over here. You'll find some of your sisters, though most of them have left for the Timeless Halls. I fear you will not be the last of your kind to enter these halls, either."

"He's a character in a story," sputtered the Suethor. "How dare he threaten me? I'll write him a nasty accident... oh. I can't interrupt or alter that beeping program until it's finished. Well, I'll write him a nasty accident once it's done."