Hi there, Layman again! To all Twilight haters of the world; If you aren't reading Alex McMullen's fic, "101 Ways to Kill Edward Cullen", then WHY THE CRAP NOT!
Anywho, here's an entry of mine for "101 Ways" that didn't make it into the story proper. "Kind of a 100 and a 1/2" chapter. It's a self-insert story, but we can get away with it because we're doing the entire world a service by ridding the world of the sparkly menance that made us real men inferior in women's eyes. If anyone out the can relate, this is for you...
(P.S. I hope I wrote you right, Alex!)
Alt. 100 - The Authors Strike Back!
Alex McMullen; *exasperated* How much longer is this going to take!
The Layman; *annoyed, looks at watch* It's almost 11:00 now, so any minute now.
Alex; Well, it's still taking too damn long. Can't we just go in now?
Layman; *headsmacks* Wouldn't that kind of defeat the point if he isn't even here yet?
Alex; Not really, we could always trash the place.
Layman; Good point.
*So our two intrepid authors proceeded to break down the door to Edward Cullen's house and break everything that wasn't nailed down (and some things that were). All the while commenting on the weird things they found along the way*
Alex; Dude, what the fuck? He has, like, five billion copies of his own books! *proceeds to torch bookcase*
Layman; At least that's not as bad as this. Look, *gestures to DVD rack*, it's all-
Alex; You're right, there's nothing here but-
Both; Chick flicks!
*DVD's get put through shredder*
Alex; And I though he was gay before...*shreds "Sex and the City, The Movie"*
Layman; I know! *shreds "Enchanted"*
Alex; This is just pathetic...*shreds "High School Musical"*
Layman; I know! *shreds "500 Days of Summer"*
Alex; Dude, you got to stop answering with just 'I know!'. *shreds "The Lake House"*
Layman; I know! *shreds "New Moon"*
Alex; OK, that takes care of the DVD's, let's kill the TV next!
*They're about to destroy the expensive, 68 inch, 1080p, rear projection, OLED television when they both pause, suddenly aware of what they're about to do*
Layman; *resolved* The TV stays.
Alex; *same as above* Yup, we'll come back for it later.
*So they move onto the bedroom*
Alex; I'm scared.
Layman; Me too, man. I mean, we're going into Edward's bedroom.
Alex; Well, this is for the good of the world; let's make it quick.
*the door flies open*
Layman; Holy crap! What's with all the mirrors?
Alex; I always knew this guy was more gay and conceited than Yumichika.
Layman; Dude, stop with the BLEACH referances before I go all Zaraki on your ass.
Layman; *deadpans* Let's just break all the mirrors, OK?
Alex; But won't we get a million years of bad luck?
Layman; Naw, they're his mirrors, anyways. It'll all go to him.
Alex; Works for me! *begins smashing mirrors*
*To save time, let's just skip ahead top after they've destroyed the rest of the house (sans television)*
Layman; Graffiti cans ready!
Alex; *shakes two cans of spray paint* Check!
Layman; Commence defacement!
*So The Layman and Alex McMullen begin writing nasty things like "Gayward" and "Sparkly Faggot" and "Fucking Disco Ball" and "Fairy Boy" over anything they hadn't touched yet and most of the stuff they did. (Except for the TV, that were taking that)*
*They were so engrossed in their project that they failed to notice said gay sparkly faggot disco ball fairy boy walk through the remains of his front door (which he didn't notice was missing because because his brain was sucked dry from snogging face with so many fangirls. Not that it helped them any...)*
"Hey guys," Edward said in that voice of his that was five octaves too high (This is without helium, mind you), "wanna have a sparkling contest?"
For a moment neither authors said anything, and just blankly stared at the abomination before them.
"Would you like to do the honors or should I?" Alex asked.
"It's your story," The Layman said, shrugging, "I'm just the contributing author. You do it."
*Alex proceeds to beat down Edward in a way that puts every Anime final battle scene instantly to shame*
"Dude, that was beyond frigging awesome!" The Layman cheered. "Do you do encores?"
"Sure," Alex replied, "but I need a willing participant."
"How about Justin Beiber?" The Layman suggested. "That boy (and I use that term loosely) has created five trillion squeeing fangirls too many!"
"Work for me!"
And there you have it, a prelude to the awesome finale for "101 ways". I don't know how well I wrote you, Alex, but don't kill me if it sucks. Just keep writing these awesome Twilight bashers, dude! And put Alucard in it again. I can never get enough of that lovable Nosferatu!
And for all you people out there who actually use half a fraction of your brains, thanks for reading! If you want to see that gay sparkly faggot disco ball fairy boy die 101 more ways, read Alex's story! Trust me, you won't regret it! (Plus, there's a few more by yours truly in there too!)