The Cullens Read Fanfiction

Just a little crackfic. A one-shot that was on my mind! The Cullens read fanfic about themselves. AU, obviously!

And P.S. I love the fics I read here and think they're great! This is all in fun! ;)

They crowded around the laptop computer Carlisle had brought home from the hospital. It was balanced on the coffee table with the browser open to FanFiction . Net

The four couples of the Cullen clan were crammed tightly together on the sofa to get a look at it. They had been hearing whispers in school for a while about this strange phenomenon called "fanfiction". Then Alice had a vision that they would read fanfiction about themselves! She decided it would be fun, so here they were doing it.

Alice was perched on Jasper's lap, clapping her hands together and giggling excitedly. The music of her laugh echoed around the house. Bella sat on the floor, resting between Edward's legs, quietly dreading what could be written about her. No doubt something embarrassing. Carlisle sat in the center, navigating the mouse, with Esme and Emmett on either side of him, and Rosalie stalked around haughtily behind the couch, looking at her reflection in their large windows and pretending she wasn't interested.

"Of course people want to write about us. They're obsessed with us," she adjusted the arrangement of her wavy hair around her face in the window reflection.

Carlisle clicked open a popular multi-chapter fanfiction with lots of reviews, and they read it quickly, their vampire skills allowing them to finish the whole thing in less than a minute.

Edward was the first to speak, and let out a frustrated whining sound.

"Am I really that annoying?" he groaned, pulling at his already messy hair.

His family rolled their eyes, and he heard all their internal voices say "YES!" in their heads.

Bella couldn't speak, she had hidden her face in Edward's pant leg out of the habit of hiding the blush she no longer had blood for. If she could still blush she would be neon scarlet after what she'd just read about herself doing!

"They make me sound like a porny nympho!" she mumbled into Edward's thigh. "I mean I'm all for sex, but geez!"

Edward stroked her hair and smiled a little, "At least they were nice about the size of my…"

"Edward!" Esme cut him off. "Vulgarity is unattractive, as is boasting."

Sometimes Esme reminded him so much of his own dear mother.

"I apologize," he amended. "I just never thought it was anything particularly special. Certainly there and quite capable of doing its job, but nothing to make a fuss about."

Edward was assaulted with everyone's mental picture of their estimation of his penis size. He was mostly offended by their guesses, but was cut short from complaining because Carlisle clicked on some more fanfics and they read through them quickly.

"I don't understand why they keep changing part of my name," Edward muttered. "My name is EDward." He shook his head, mystified.

"This is really depressing," Bella sighed as Edward ran his fingers through her hair. "Am I that mopey that people think I must have been abused and tortured by every member of my family and an army of evil exes?"

"Not at all," Alice reassured her. "Anyway, the ones about me are almost as bad," she offered consolingly. "Although a lot of that probably did happen to me…" her voice trailed off and her gazed drifted from the screen, not to a vision, but to her fuzzy memory.

Jasper's big scarred hands squeezed her shoulders, easing the tension that had crept up in them. She relaxed against him, her face brightening,

"Oh well, I guess I'm lucky I can't remember any of it." She smiled.

"That's our girl, ever the optimist," Carlisle chuckled. Jasper kissed the side of her neck softly.

They read through some more of the fanfics, searching out different pairings.

"Well, I'm disappointed." Esme declared. "I don't want to be portrayed as loose, and what was it Bella said?"

"Like a porny nympho," Emmett supplied with an eyebrow wiggle.

"Yes, like a porny nympho," Esme continued, "And I take great pride in playing the role of your mother, but for goodness sakes, I am a woman too!"

Her eyes twinkled so they didn't have to be Jasper to tell she wasn't really angry, but all the same, Carlisle took her hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of it.

"Darling, you're all woman. We'll show them," he kissed her hand playfully and she glowed.

Edward yelled in pain, squinting his eyes shut.

"Stop thinking those things, please! It was bad enough having to read about "me" and "Bella" doing them!"

"Victorian Prude." Rosalie tossed over her shoulder.

"Don't you want to read about yourself, Rosie?" Emmett called from the couch, feeling Jasper's waves of calm as the two of them worked together to diffuse the jibe before it blew into a full scale argument on Edward's level of prudishness. Which, even as a married man hopelessly in love, was still rather high.

"I can read it from here," Rosalie shot back coldly, "And I don't like it. They make me sound like a vain bitch."

She said this while pouting at her window reflection self. Alice couldn't contain her giggle.

Rosalie glared daggers at her, and Jasper in turn glared daggers at Rose. Alice laid a hand on his arm, and they both softened their glares as his calm filled the room again.

"It's ridiculous how they all have babies and get pregnant every few chapters," she scoffed, "Don't you think I know that's impossible!"

The air in the room felt tight, and it was clear Rosalie was heading down a self-pitying road to a tantrum. Emmett ran to her at the speed of a human blink and pulled her onto his knee. She pushed him off and went back to preen at the window.

"I like 'em!" Emmett pronounced, changing the subject. "They make me sound funny!" he seemed proud.

"Yes, I don't know why, because you're certainly not," Edward retorted dryly.

"I don't like all these comments about my size though. I'm not a giant, am I?" Emmett stood and looked at his window reflection, turning to survey his profile self consciously.

Alice couldn't help giggling again and buried her face in Jasper's chest to stifle them before they caused more trouble.

"You're big where it counts, my Monkey Man," Rosalie winked at him affectionately and dragged him over to admire their reflections together.

"Jazz, what do you think of them?" Alice blinked her expectant eyes up at him. He gazed down at her, lost in them for a small eternity before he realized she'd asked him a question.

"Oh, uh, um." He cleared his throat, scratchy from underuse. "I wasn't really paying attention," he mumbled, seeming perfectly content to never look away from Alice's face again, no matter what was on the computer screen.

"You have to read them!" Alice insisted joyfully, nudging him to direct his attention to the screen.

"Carlisle, find ones about us!" she smiled proudly.

Jasper started reading. A short while into it he darted his eyes around uncomfortably and mumbled,

"Oh, uh, sorry Bella." He looked at her like she was a strange foreign animal. So many of the fanfictions had them in VERY close relationships. Many of these relationships were based on the mutual admiration of bands he'd never even heard of.

Both being of reserved disposition, Bella and Jasper didn't speak or interact very much with the other aside from when Alice brought them together, even though they were technically family and cared for each other as much as that label required. Jasper was always on edge and wary around Bella since he'd tried to kill her, even though he knew rationally that he wouldn't do it again. And Bella was overwhelmed and frightened by the intensity in Jasper, so she rarely tried to talk to him. Whenever she found herself alone with him, she didn't know what to say, and he didn't seem the least bit interested in helping her out with conversation starters. As long as her feelings were pleasant to be around, they would just stay in silence. She couldn't engage his attention and make him light up like Alice could.

Everyone in the room felt Jasper's discomfort seep around them like a mist as he read through the Jasper/Bella fics. As he kept reading, the mist of emotion got thicker, and soon became a furious swirl of anger. Carlisle had to clench his fists to keep from punching the computer. Rosalie put a fist through the glass of the window.

"Jazz!" Alice called out desperately, pulling him back from his rage by with her soft gaze and gentle touches of her fingers at his collar, as she struggled to maintain her positive emotions against the waves he sent out. She was better than anyone at doing this, having had plenty of practice.

"I'm sorry, Alice," he ground out through clenched teeth. "It just makes me so angry to see them talk about you that way. They make you sound cruel, and you would never be cruel to me. You are my heart. Nor are you shallow, or shrill, you are pleasant to be around..." he ground his teeth harder, "...and I would never NEVER choose her over you. It's so ridiculous it disgusts me. Never. There isn't a universe where that would be possible. This "Jasper" character can't be me. There isn't a me without you."

Bella gulped. Jasper had said "her" with terrifying vehemence and looked at her like poisonous bile. She understood; at that moment she was a threat against Alice in his mind, so naturally he felt hatred towards her as if she were his own mortal enemy. She knew Edward would feel the same. She could forgive Jasper easily because of the sweetness of the sentiment towards her best friend, but she was still very frightened by Jasper. His beast-like raw highly sensitive spectrum of emotions was nothing like her gentle thoughtful Edward, and it scared her with its intensity.

"I know Jazz, I know you never would." Alice kissed his temple, smoothing his hair back. She leaned so close her mouth was practically taking up residence in his ear, but Bella caught Alice's delicate high whisper with her vampire hearing.

"There's no me without you either. We're together forever."

Jasper nodded, and mumbled, "I don't want to read anymore," in his low raspy drawl.

Their eyes met and some sort of wordless communication passed between them, resulting in Alice letting Jasper pick her up and carry her upstairs, for a private moment.

Edward heard Alice's thoughts as they ascended the stairs: swooing at how adorable and sensitive her husband was. There was a faint trace of disappointment, more at the nasty way she'd been portrayed than at the Jasper/Bella thing, because she just found that ridiculous. She also had a little hope, for a vision where she could see some fics that showed a nice loving relationship between her and Jasper. Although they also featured the porny nympho traits that seemed so popular on the website.

Mostly though, Alice's mind was dancing through visions of what she and Jasper were about to do in her bedroom. Edward shuddered as the images reminded him of some of the softer-core BDSM fics.

Rosalie and Emmett had disappeared at some point during all this. A quick scans of their thoughts revealed they were in the garage, living out a roleplay scenario of one of the racier M rated fanfics about them. The word "lemon" flashed in Edward's brain over and over and he shuddered again despite the ridiculousness of the word for the act it was describing. He would never be able to eat citrus fruit again.

Edward hoped his thoughts would not be plagued by fanfics for too long. But now that he'd started, he felt the strangest temptation to keep reading. He knew he had other things to be doing, and this was essentially useless and a waste of time, but he just couldn't bring himself to stop. Although he felt guilty about it, he was starting to kind of enjoy the fanfics.

So he settled on the sofa with Bella, Esme and Carlisle as they clicked open the next one.

After all, they had an eternity of time to waste.