A/N: Just me experimenting. Do not read if you don´t like angst. Also, warning for major character death.


Drifter


Drifting in and out. He reaches out his hand, almost unaware of the action himself. A light touch.

He stirs.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock looks into soulful blue eyes, without really seeing them. "Vulcans do not dream," he answers softly. Not a lie. An omission.

"You're not just Vulcan," Jim points out.

Spock closes his eyes. "I do not wish to discuss it."

"Do you want me to leave?"

No. "Yes."

When Spock opens his eyes again, he is alone.

/

Spock arrives on the bridge and Jim is already there, lounging in the captain's chair in a manner unbefitting a Starfleet officer. But Spock does not berate him.

"Status report, Mr. Sulu," Jim says.

No answer.

"Status report, Mr. Sulu," Spock repeats, perhaps harsher than necessary.

Sulu flinches, pulled from his thoughts. "No change, sir," he replies. "We're still heading for Cessnas III at warp 2. We should be there in 2.4 solar days."

Spock and Jim share a look. "Remain on course," Spock commands.

"Steady as she goes," Jim adds in a mutter.

Spock stands next to the captain's chair and ignores Nyota's worried gaze.

/

There's barely any light. Nothing to see. A sticky wetness, life escaping.

I'm sorry.

No, Jim.

His thoughts flicker, fading.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock pretends not to see the man in front of him. "Vulcans do not dream."

"You're not just Vulcan."

He closes his eyes. "I do not wish to discuss it."

"Do you want me to leave?"

No.

"Spock?"

"Yes."

Spock opens his eyes, and he is alone.

/

"Is that all you're going to eat?"

Sometimes Spock wonders why the doctor takes his meals with him, if he is so bothered by his presence. But he supposes he has nowhere else to be.

"I do not require more nourishment," the Vulcan replies as courteously as he can.

McCoy scoffs. "Of course you don't."

/

-pock.

Do not speak. A rescue team is on its…

I'm sorry.

Jim…

His eyes are dull, life slowly leaving him.

I'm sorry.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock does not open his eyes. "I do not wish to discuss it."

"Do you want me to leave?"

No.

"Spock?"

Don't leave me.

"Are you alright?"

No. "Yes."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Yes."

Spock does not open his eyes, but he knows he is alone.

/

The briefing room is quiet, its occupants all staring at Spock, unsettled.

"Spock…" Nyota tries, but she does not continue.

"I misspoke," Spock says softly. "Please continue, Ca- if you will allow me to continue."

Nyota nods.

"They think you're crazy," Jim supplies helpfully from his place in the corner.

/

No one is coming.

That's good… would hate for my last orders to be ignored.

Do not speak like that.

I'm sorry.

No Jim. I am sorry.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock turns. "I do not wish to discuss it."

"Do you want me to leave?"

No.

"Spock?"

Don't leave me, Jim. Please don't leave me.

"Are you alright?"

"No." His voice cracks. "Please leave."

He turns back and he is alone.

/

"With all due respect sir, I don't think it's a good idea," Sulu says hesitantly.

"I did not ask for your opinion, Mr. Sulu," Spock snaps. "We are pursuing the Klingon cruiser."

"But Starfleet-"

"Has not ordered otherwise. Lay the course."

A small, lilting laugh comes from the captain's chair. "Revenge, Spock?" Jim says. "How very human of you."

/

His lips are stained red. He brushes the wetness away, softly.

There's something…

Rest, Jim. Save your strength.

I'm sorry.

Do not be.

His eyes grow hot.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

"I do not wish… to discuss…"

"Do you want me to leave?"

No. "No."

Warm arms encircle him, unreal yet undeniably there.

Spock cries.

/

"Since when do you eat meat?"

Spock glances at the two plates in front of him, confused. He does not understand that remark. "It is not meant for me."

McCoy stares at him for a long while before looking away. "No, I don't suppose it is."

/

Their heads are close, their noses touching.

I'm sorry.

Please don't be, Jim. I am at fault.

He touches his lips and they are cold, unmoving. No breath behind them.

Jim…

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock does not respond, but grasps Jim's face softly and kisses him. His lips are cold, unmoving.

No breath behind them.

"Spock?"

He cries.

/

"I'm removing you from duty," McCoy tells him.

It is probably for the best.

/

His reality is floating, the only absolute the broken body in his arms. He clings to him.

I'm sorry.

Jim, please don't say it.

I should have told you.

We are both at fault.

I'm sorry.

Rest, Jim.

He wakes.

"Bad dream?"

Spock turns to find Doctor McCoy standing by his bed. He is in Sickbay.

"Vulcans do not dream," he tells him. Not a lie. An omission.

McCoy snorts and writes something down on his PADD. "Do you still see him?"

Spock looks around.

"Well, Spock?" Jim asks. "Do you?"

Spock shakes his head. "No."

McCoy continues scribbling.

/

It has been a year. Spock is back on duty, back in command. He sits in the captain's chair and when he sleeps, he does not dream. He no longer takes orders from a dead man.

Jim is still there, but Spock does not speak of it. It is no one's concern but his own.

Finis