Remedial History Exam I
I. Matching (10 pts each)
_ Ferdinand Magellan
_ Marco Polo
_ Christopher Columbus
_ Lewis and Clark
_ David Livingstone
a. Explored Africa in the mid 1800's
b. Discovered America in the late 1400's
c. Sailed around the world in the early 1500's
d. Explored Asia with his father in the 1200's
e. Explored North America in the early 1800's
II. Fill in the blanks, chose from the words listed (5 pts each)
When I was a little boy, I had never met my father_ _ _ _ _ ,. He finally returned to Venice after he traveled across _ _ _ _ _ for _ _ _ _ _ with my uncle. He even met _ _ _ _ _ ! When they decided to leave again, they took me with them and we spent _ _ _ _ _ traveling!
After we came home, I told everybody about my _ _ _ _ _ , but some people didn't believe I was telling the truth! I eventually wrote a _ _ _ _ _ about my journeys.
Bonus (5 pts)
Which famous explorer could have written this paragraph?
III. Essay (15 pts)
Explain why explorers are so important to history. Be sure to use examples to illustrate your explanation.
"What's wrong?" Brit asked the girl sitting next to her. The girl was wearing a Cheerio uniform, like most of the class, but Britt didn't recognize her. Unless, maybe, she was that one girl. Of course, she could have been that other one.
The nameless Cheerio pointed toward the front of the classroom. Brit looked, but didn't see anything that would make the class groan. She looked out the window, in case it was the sort of thing you had to sneak up on, like a ghost or a leprechaun.
She peeked stealthily out of the corner of her eye. No, whatever it was, she couldn't see it. Maybe, if she squinted…
"Whatever it was, I don't think it's there. That happens a lot. I think it means we get to leave early."
"Written on the board." The nameless Cheerio advised her.
'Test Today' Brit read slowly. She really didn't understand why Ms. Halbrook insisted on writing things all weird like that, when it should have said "tst 2day." Santana had tried to explain why teachers used all those extra letters, but there was a thing and she couldn't remember. Teachers were stupid. Everybody knew that.
Brit was saved from any more unnecessary thoughts by a drifting cloud that looked like Miss Sylvester's Vogue hair. She missed the Madonna days, especially dating the boy from her sister's soccer team. She and West had enjoyed intense games of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. Unfortunately, his parents had filed a restraining order when they found them playing Doctor.
"Earth to Brit. Come in, Brit."
"I'm also on Earth. You should pick another code name for yourself. It's too confusing this way." Brit explained to the teacher.
The teacher blinked, trying to figure out exactly how many things were wrong with that observation. Finally, she gave up. "Just take the test." She motioned to the paper that had appeared on the desk while Brit contemplated her ex-boyfriend.
Name: Brit thought for a moment. What name do they want? There are lots of names. They should be more specific, she decided as she took a gamble and used her own name. She was going to be majorly upset if Miss Halbrook was asking us what her name was.
Brit brightened as she read over the next section. This part wasn't too bad, she though. History was definitely her best subject. The only problem was that the blanks were a little too small to be comfortable.
Ferdinand Magellan: "Invented the map thing for cars." She wrote.
Marco Polo: "Best played in a pool." Duh. Everybody knew that.
Christopher Columbus: "Invented that town in the middle of the state." Brit wasn't sure about that one. She also thought maybe he'd been a Backstreet Boy before they got popular.
Lewis and Clark: "That Superman show my mom watched when I was a baby."
David Livingstone: "The lion on Animalia." Brit was especially proud of that one. She didn't think very many people would know the answer, since it was kind of obscure. Before the restraining order, she'd spent Saturday mornings watching the the show with West. He'd liked the weird cartoons on the station that made you smarter. West was deep.
Brit's feeling of accomplishment was short-lived however as she contemplated the questions beneath those. She had absolutely no idea what kind of question "Africa in the mid 1800's" was, so she settled for True, True, False, True, and False as her answers for that section. Honestly, she thought irritated, when am I ever going to use this stuff?
At the next section, Brittany cheered to herself. Mad Libs were a personal favorite of hers. She was definitely passing this test.
Seven blanks, and she didn't even have to worry about all the English stuff. Giddy with the freedom of being able to pick seven words at random, she picked "douche bag," "my butt", "sex", "aliens," "money," "booty calls," and "screenplay". The read back was suitably hilarious, Brit decided afterward. Hers was so much better than the lame examples that the teacher put beneath the paragraph.
The worst thing about tests, Brit thought as she took a well-deserved break, was that they took so long, but afterward you never really felt like you'd done anything. At least she was pretty sure she'd get to finish this one. Most of the time the page was still pretty bare when class ended.
For her essay question, Brit thought long and hard about what she was going to write. Just because Explorers weren't popular any more didn't mean then had no place in history, and she wanted her essay to reflect that she was fully supportive.
"Explorers are an important part of history," she wrote, "Because I, along with several of my fellow Cheerios (but not at the same time), lost my virginity in the back of one owned by Puck. They have a bad reputation because they aren't good for the planet, but that one Explorer gave me a start for my being as a super-hot Cheerio. There are lots of other good Explorers out there, too."
When she finished, Brit looked over her essay in satisfaction. Not only was she bound to pass this test, she decided, she might even get a C.
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading this little foray into the vacuous Brit's mind as much as I enjoyed writing it. The site got a little weird early yesterday morning when I originally posted this and messed the format up, then didn't save the changes I made when I proofed it. If you read that early version, I apologise for everything that was wrong with it.
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