I know you're my best friend and all, but I have something to tell you.
Oh, Agrippa, I can't believe I'm writing this. Well, here goes.
I love you.
Hmm, well, that wasn't so hard. It's nice to actually write it down after all these years.
Well, knowing you, I guess I should go into detail so you don't have to ask me in person and make me inflate your already ginormous head. You're a real prat, you know, all self centered and such. I mean, yeah, you're a pretty attractive guy, but come on! You don't have to spend 20 minutes doing your hair! I don't even spend that long! But, okay, I'm getting a bit off topic, and your hair looks nice and blah blah blah. (But, seriously, 20 minutes? Really? Are you a wizard or a shampoo ad?)
So I guess I've always liked you since the day my dad said not to get too friendly. Did I ever tell you about that? Yeah, my dad told me not to get too friendly with you because basically my grandfather would hunt us down and blow us up if he found out I married a pureblood. Not that I plan to marry you, I don't really believe in marriage. But I'm just saying what he said. My dad isn't the brightest guy- he hasn't really learned that telling a kid not to do something really makes them want to do it. And so he pointed you out, that very first day of school on the platform, and I saw you and- well, I liked what I saw. You noticed me and smirked and I looked away because I use to be such a shy little goody-goody. You know, until I started fraternizing with a Malfoy.
The first time I ever wanted to kiss you was third year in Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was the day we were supposed to be using the Riddikulus charm on that Boggart. But I was too scared of that stupid Inferius that I just stared at it while it got closer to me and I couldn't speak and then you, sighing and rolling your eyes, quickly did the charm and I could only stare as the Inferius became a dancing skeleton with a top hat, bow tie and cane. And I looked at you, and you were looking at me, and we both smiled and I felt clammy from fear and devotion.
Yeah, devotion. That's the day I thought I couldn't live with out you. Would do anything for you.
Merlin, I'm getting all sentimental and it's starting to gross me out, really. I mean, I feel like... like... this is an entry from Lily's diary. How gross is that? Pretty gross, I know.
I almost said, "I love you," to you once. It was fifth year, only two years ago, but I'd thought about it the whole time I was looking at you, watching you. Having pretty and dirty fantasies about you and me and love. At that end of the year ball, the Summer Solstice thing. I bought a pretty (and sexy) dress that I couldn't really afford but Mum was nice and gave me a few extra galleons to pay for it because it was the first time I was really excited to dress up for anything since I was a little girl and liked to play princesses with Dominique and Victoire.
Well, you remember, you invited Hilary or Haley or whatever her name is- the skank from potion's class. And I invited Sam McLaggen and you told me he would only try to get in my pants and I told you I wouldn't let that happen. And then when I was a bit sloshed from some fire whiskey and Sam was pushing me against a wall and I was pushing Sam away (you remember, in the hallway by the Transfiguration room). That was scarier than those fucking Inferi. He was pushing at me and I was shouting and he was pulling at my panties all the way under my dress and he was kissing me and I tried hard to punch him but I couldn't hit well (being sloshed- you know I have a sick uppercut) and as I finally quit fighting because it was useless, there you were. Hilary or Haley or- well, you know, Skanky Potioins Girl was holding your elbow and you jerked her away and I could only watch passively as you turned Sam around and punched his face in. And then the girl screamed and I slid down to the floor and watched you beat him up. The girl left (to go tell her friends, I assume) and Sam jumped up as fast as he could and ran away, looking back only once.
And you said, "I told you so." But you didn't look very indignant.
And I tried to hit you, but you caught my wrist.
And then I almost said I love you. But instead, you took my hand and helped me up and we went outside and looked over the lake, all dark and mysterious in the night. And you held me as I fell asleep.
Do you remember that time last year when we played Quidditch? At two in the morning? And we ended up sleeping on the Qudditch pitch because we were so exhausted after getting hit by that crazy bludger that kept following us around? Must have been hexed by some Slythering git, I'm sure. But that was a lot of fun, especially when the snitch flew off into the Forbidden Forest and they had to get a new one for the match the next day. And the rumours! Oh yes. There was a shitload of rumours that we had slept together. Probably because people saw us laying on the Quidditch pitch next to each other and I was only in a sports bra and a pair of Quidditch shorts and you were shirtless and all.
Whew, and Albus nearly passed out when he heard. I could only wish those rumours were true. I mean, the night had been fun, but not that kind of fun.
Well, so I guess you realize this now, but I love you. I love you more than I thought I could love a person. I didn't think we were capable of love, but look at us! Well, look at me anyway! I'm loving and my heart is breaking because the only person I've ever really loved is dating my little cousin. Lily? Really? You damn mother fucker. Or, cousin fucker, I guess I should say. Look, you made me make a bad play on words. Jerk. Arse. Is it because I'm too woman for you? I bet that's it. You can't handle me and all my womanliness compared to Lily's super short skirts that are just screaming, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Degrade me because I'm attractive and have long legs!" We used to make fun of girls like her! What ever happened to those days?
Is it because she's more... feminine than me? I mean, I've seen you with the sluttiest of them, but my own blood? And hell, I'm feminine, you dumbfuck! What do you think I keep in that "pencil case" I never let you use and only carry around with me one week a month? And bloody hell, I've got some fantastic tits, you know! And you can ask a fair number of guys (not that many, though. I mean, pshh, I'm no Lily) I'm a great lay.
That was the worst day of my mundane existence, two weeks ago when you told me you were going to ask her out. I mean, I know, I acted cool and calm but really, we're best friends! We're supposed to read each other's minds and all! What happened to that? Did you not notice that I was sending you messages in my head? Did you not see the tears in my eyes? You know I never cry. You know me. More than I know me.
I just wanted you to know that, anyways. And so I guess you probably are going to ignore me for a while. And when we do start talking again, it will be awkward and we'll just be counting down the days to graduation when we can be free of each other and never speak to each other again and you'll forget we were ever friends and when we're old, you'll think back to our school days and it will take you a while to remember my name.
But I'll still love you. I'll, well, I guess I'll always love you. Even if I fall in love with another guy and we get married and have kids I'll still love you. And god dammit, I hate you for making me sound so mushy, you arse.
"Hey, Scorp, get out a quill for me, will ya?" she called from the other table.
He unzipped her backpack and stuck his hand into the mess of papers and books and candy wrappers. Finally, he felt a quill at the bottom and pulled it up. A balled up piece of parchment fell out as he took his hand out of the bag. With a quick glance back at Rose, he unfolded the parchment and read.