The Feast of Fools: Chapter 1
by Creedog VanDrey
Summary: Will notices that some of his glee students have a bit of a new look.
Spoilers: Takes place at the beginning of Season 2. Nothing you haven't seen in the promos.
A/N: After depressing what seemed to be the entire fandom with "No Escape," I thought I'd go to the other extreme with some fun bordering on the level of crack.
Chapter 1: "A Little Something New"
When Will walked into glee practice, he couldn't help but notice something was off. The major tip-off was that the Cheerios were not wearing their uniforms. And none of the football players were wearing their varsity jackets. One by one, he noticed each student was wearing an outfit not typical for them.
"Hey, guys," he greeted, "You know Halloween's not for two months, right?"
"Coach Sylvester was kidnapped," Quinn explained dryly.
After a long pause, Will replied incredulously, "What?"
Santana recounted the story blandly, "Yeah, the police were investigating her house after her burglar alarm went off. The place was trashed and there was a flag hanging on her mantle."
Brittany held up a piece of white construction paper which she'd colored in with red crayon around a white cross. "I bet it's the math club. Sue thinks math is a dead art. Plus, this is totally one of the letters in that funny language they write in."
"That's the flag of Switzerland," Will commented.
Santana frowned, "I figured it was a country flag, I just hadn't been to World History to look it up in my textbook."
"Why not?" Will asked innocently, "it's after school. Weren't you there today?"
Santana doesn't respond, just glowered until the question was dropped.
Finn asked, aghast, "Wait, Mr. Schue, you think Swedish people kidnapped Coach Sylvester?"
Will laughed. "Hold on, guys, why in the world would Swiss nationalists kidnap our cheerleading coach?"
"Don't you watch Sue's Corner, Mr. Schue?" Quinn asked.
"Not if I can help it. Why, what'd she say?"
: : :
"So, here's the deal. I am breaking my vow of silence against the United Nations to deliver this message. Normally I'd refrain from addressing your namby-pamby little peace club, but this is of grave urgency. Now, listen closely, because I will not repeat myself as it is against my core moral beliefs. Dissolve the state of Switzerland. If there's one thing that makes this world weak, it's a neutral party. On any issue, there are two sides: the one I support and the wrong one, and it is imperative for every loyal citizen to blindly choose one and stand their ground unyieldingly. My recommendation is that the country's land be divvied up amongst its neighbors, with preference given to countries that are more historically forthright in their beliefs. Granted, this does mean that Germany will be getting a full 70 percent, but I think we can all agree that we wouldn't want it any other way. And that's how Sue 'C's it.
: : :
"So, you guys don't seem very worried about her."
"Miss Sylvester will be fine," Quinn explained. "She was able to fight off one of them. She wrote a message in his blood stating that she would fight her way back and that the Cheerios should find new cliques temporarily. I've decided to become a prep." She leaned back, showing off her designer label clothing and giant sunglasses.
"I like; it's very yuppie bohemian chic," Kurt remarked, impressed, extending his hand to Quinn to offer a finger-wiggle of congratulations, which she returned. "How do you afford it, though?"
"Oh, my mom cleaned out my dad in the divorce."
"Oh, sorry for you dad," Mercedes stated sympathetically.
"Oh, don't be. He landed on his feet. He started banging his secretary and when the partners found out, they gave him a promotion. So, divorce saves another family. My dad gets to watch Fox News with a 24-year-old on his lap and my mom gets to lounge by the pool all day."
This tidbit of information caused Puck to perk up, but Quinn, incredulously, warned him, "I will slice them off. Words cannot express how disturbing that would be."
There was suddenly a high-pitched barking coming from Quinn's purse, out of which she produced a fuzzy mess of a dog, which she glared at, "This is the noisiest accessory ever." The dog licked Quinn's nose, and she gave it a half-smile. "And it poops. So not worth the effort. Anybody want it?"
"Ooh! Puppy!" Brittany squealed, taking the Pekingese into her arms. She took a moment to figure out which side was the front and started to cradle the puppy like a baby.
"Okay, Santana, would you like to explain your outfit?" Will stated, eager to change the subject.
Santana's outfit consisted of torn-up jeans, a mesh tank over a white sports bra, studded leather bracelets, and dozens of chains. "I'm a delinquent," she announced proudly, almost with joy. She whipped out a switchblade.
Wide-eyed, Will noted, "Santana, you know I can't let you keep that, right?"
Santana scowled, but closed the knife and tossed it to her teacher. "Alright, but if anyone asks, I was uncooperative and surly."
"You're still surly."
"Thanks," Santana replied appreciatively.
"Brittany, um, what clique are you part of?"
Brittany wore what appeared to be a female tuxedo: a black sports coat with tails over a black vest with nothing underneath, a pair of black legless shorts, fishnet stockings, and a bowler hat.
"I didn't know what a 'clique' was so I just dressed like a tap dancer, because they make clicking noises." She immediately stood up, laying the puppy in a unwilling Santana's lap, and performed a short tap dance.
"Wow, I didn't know you could do that."
"Me, neither," she replied simply. She looked over to see her new dog poised in Santana's lap, the two of them exchanging matching unamused frowns.
"I, for one, love your new look, Brittany," Rachel declared, "you're channeling a young Liza Minelli in the 1972 film Cabaret, which I hope you all realize is based on the classic Broadway hit."
Brittany replied, "Is she the one who invented spaghetti or the one who's married to Oprah?"
Artie asked, "How has she not been slushied?"
Depositing her unwanted seatmate in Brittany's lap, Santana replied to the question, her hand bringing attention to her clothes, "She been walkin' 'round with me all days, lookin' like dis."
"Hot?" Puck offered.
In unison, Quinn and Santana both punched Puck on opposite arms.
"Hey, ladies, those are like my favorite muscles."
"I beg to differ," Quinn dryly commented.
Puck just shrugged like he couldn't disagree.
Will prompted, "So, that explains the Cheerios. Why are you football players not in your varsity jackets?"
"The season's been cancelled," Finn explained, "something went wrong when they reseeded the field."
: : :
Darren, the proprietor of Verdant Dreams, had his truck parked on the football field, spraying seed in every direction while listening to "Light My Fire" by the Doors.
In the bed of his truck are the seed backs. They're labeled "Kudzu."
: : :
"They tried to just trim it down," Puck explained, "but they ran into a bunch of Africanized bee hives, so they had to abandon the project. I think Coach Bieste said she was going to deal with the problem on her own, but until then, no football."
"Did you join new cliques, too?"
"I'm a rocker!" Finn proclaimed, leaping from his chair and holding out what he apparently thought was the fist of rock. Rachel put on a Stepford smile.
"Yeah, he just borrowed some of my weekend clothes," Puck notes, adding, "They don't fit."
The Metallica shirt Finn was wearing was intentionally ripped at the bottom, though it rode up higher on his midriff than it was meant to. "My mom usually gets all my clothes at the Humongo and Unwieldy. It's this discount Big and Tall store. But when she and Kurt's dad get married, we'll be sharing Kurt's clothing allowance, so I can get some nicer stuff from like... Kohl's."
Kurt's eyes widened and he gasped. He turned to Mercedes and related, full of despair, "It's like I don't even find him attractive anymore." Mercedes took him in her arms and patted him on the back.
When Finn sat down again, his pants audibly ripped. He tried to save face by waving his hands in front of his face, claiming, "Yeah, that was me. Sorry."
Casually, Rachel pulled one of Finn's windbreakers from her backpack and handed it to him.
"I'm not cold," he whispered.
"Tie it around your waist," she instructed under the breath
"I'll look gay."
"You're wearing Spongebob boxers," Rachel snapped through clenched teeth.
"Mike," Will called, saving Finn from further embarrassment, "Tell us about your look."
Mike was wearing baggy jeans, high-top sneakers, a white muscle shirt, and a brightly-colored jacket, with dog tags around his neck and a baseball cap seated on his head at an odd angle.
"I'm trying out the hip-hop look, Mr. S. Unfortunately, since we live in Lima, Ohio, I could only find the stuff for posers. So, now, I'm an Asian guy who looks like a white guy who's trying to look like a black guy."
"I think you look cool," Tina remarked, hanging on him.
Artie looked downtrodden as he watched the couple. Puck noticed this and brought attention to his own look: a white button-up shirt with a skinny tie, skinny jeans, and black dress shoes. "I joined the jazz band." He and Artie fist-bump. He remarked, "I kinda feel like I look like a hipster, though."
"Whoa, dude, don't be sayin' stuff like that during practice," Artie warned, "and just 'cuz you gots a fedora, don't be wearin' it about all askew on your noggin."
Will sat back for a moment, surveying the room and said, "You know, it's the start of a school year. Time for a fresh start. Your assignment for the week is..."
His speech was cut off by Kurt, whose hand conspicuously shot up.
"'…To choose a song that is outside our normal musical repertoire in an effort to expand our range'?"
Will paused, and then admitted, "Yeah, exactly."
Rachel jumped in, "I, for one, relish this opportunity to expand my wheelhouse, which I must say is already quite diverse in both tone and musical genre." Everyone in the room with the exception of Finn and Brittany rolled their eyes; this included Will, though Rachel did not seem to notice as she was flashing an imaginary audience a toothy grin.
Kurt raised his hand again.
"Mr. Schue, I, too, am on the Cheerios, but you did not ask me about my change in style."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Kurt," Will apologized, "I didn't notice anything particularly... How about you just tell us what you've done?"
Kurt did not seem any less fashionably dressed than normal. Regardless, he remarked, "Having spent the summer with Mrs. Hudson, I discovered something about myself. The strong feminine side of my personality is not in actuality a desire to be more like a woman, but rather a kinship to the better sex. Because of this life-changing revelation, I have switched out all my pastels for earth tones." He showed off that his clothes, while no less high-fashion, were a mix of greens, yellows, and browns.
"Excellent, but that has nothing to do with the Cheerios being disbanded."
"Oh, yeah, I also joined the Boy Scouts."
Will raised his eyes, "Oh, how's that working out for you?"
"It's not. What those boys have done to khaki is just an abomination. I'm thinking of switching to the artiste group, but they're notorious hard to break into. I do dabble in pencil sketches. Would anyone be willing to model for me?"
"I won't have to take off my clothes, will I?" Finn asked.
"Oh, thank you, Finn, I've got plenty of you in my Slumber series." He looked over to Puck, who leaned away.
"Okay, guys, I think we've wasted enough time on this. I got the DVD from Regionals. I want to review it so that we can make improvements." Will put the DVD in and it started to play.
Brittany turned to Santana and whispered, "I feel a disturbance in the Force."
"Your dog's peeing on your tap shoes," Santana whispered back.
A/N: Well, that was fun. I think this is going to be part of a three-chapter series. Until then.