Feats of Fools: Chapter 3
by Creedog VanDrey

Category: Glee
Genre: Humor
Rating: K+
Language: English
Summary: The Feast of Fools comes to an end

A/N: I'm going to end this series now, since I'm pretty sure my muse/crack dealer is going to cut me off soon. No worries, I have a sequel in the works.


Chapter 3: "All Good Things"

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The Age of Aquarius
Aquarius! Aquarius!

Tina sang with Mercedes, Kurt, Quinn, and Brittany backing her up. Merry Cherry, cuddled in Brittany's arms, also barked along with the song. They were standing in the hallways outside the Spanish Room. Usually an impromptu song would earn them a slushie facial, but today, most of the students walked past, a few bouncing along, a few even risking a sideways glance and a smile.

Their outfits, as they had for the past week, made them a sight to beyond.

Tina wore a full length black gown with long sleeves and blood-red gloves. Mike had commented to her earlier that morning that she looked like Morticia Addams and meant it as a compliment. She replied that she was trying out a new look: "fancy goth." Since the dress was low-cut, her boyfriend hadn't made contact with her throughout the conversation. She didn't complain.

Kurt wore tight chartreuse sweatpants under an olive green tunic, accented with a thick brown belt and archer's hat complete with feather. Mercedes wore a white tuxedo shirt, a crimson overcoat, charcoal gray capris, white knee socks with black Mary Janes, topped off with a large violet beret. They had been proud of their ensembles until Brittany remarked that she loved their Peter Pan and Captain Hook costumes.

Brittany meanwhile had come dressed as Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls. The effect was not as juvenile as she probably thought it was, since her costume consisted of an azure minidress (sleeveless, stopping perilously high on the thigh, and cut just below the collarbone), a black belt accentuating her hips, full-length white stockings, black pumps, and her hair into two schoolgirl-style pigtails. She dressed up Merry Cherry too… as a bubble.

Meanwhile, down the hall, Artie was singing Kirk Franklin's "Revolution" while Puck, Santana, and Mike backed him up while dancing down the hallways.

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Do you want a revolution?
Whoo! Whoo!
I said, do you want a revolution?
Whoo! Whoo!
Come on!

After the song, Puck asked Artie, "So explain this costume to me again. I'm Dr. Who?"

Artie sighed with aggravation, "Okay, one more time. The show is called Doctor Who. It's a British sci-fi TV series. The character's name is 'The Doctor.'"

"Just 'the Doctor.' Dr. who? Oh, I get it now. Clever. I don't look like a doctor." Puck examined his wardrobe again: black leather jacket, tight blue-gray V-neck sweater, and black trousers. "I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering about this courting the nerd vote." He winked a passing girl who slowed to cast an appreciative glance at his attire.

"Wake up, Puck, it's the year of geek. The nerds on TV are sexy." Artie was dressed in a brown button-on, tan chinos, tall brown cowboy boots, suspenders, and an empty holster. He called it "Mal" from something called "Firefly", which didn't sound very science fiction-y to Puck, and looked like of more cowboy than anything. As long as he didn't dress in Star Trek pajamas.

Santana of all people backed him up. "He's not lying. There wasn't an actor in that new Star Trek movie that I did not want to tap."

"Even Zoë Saldaña?" Puck teased.

"You bet," Santana replied, undeterred. She was again dressed as a delinquent: an acid green tank top paired with a black bustier, black lace-up, thigh-high boots, fingerless gloves, and studded bracelets. If she was wearing bottoms, there was no way to tell, as the tank extended to her upper thighs, and nothing could be seen below. In an attempt to make her look more daring, tattoos now stretched across her body: kohl around her eyes, thorny vines snaking around her cheeks and neck, black tribal tattoos around her arms, a long-stemmed rose on one forearm, a panther and claw marks on the other, a Christian cross on her lower back, angel wings on one thigh, a devil's tail wrapped around the other, and an elaborate background of candy-colorful vines that seemed to travel the expanse of her body, extending under her clothes.

"By the way," she noted, "I noticed your holsters are empty. Here." She pulled a pistol from the back of her bustier and handed it to Artie, who looked at it wide-eyed.

"Santana, I don't want to carry a gun around at school! How did you even get this in here?"

"It's just one of my little brother's toys. There's a five-day waiting list to buy a firearm in Ohio," she noted ruefully, as if it were obvious.

"Plus, Mal uses a revolver."

Santana shrugged, took back the pistol, which she tossed into her backpack, and pulled out a revolver. "Careful, this one's real, but it's not loaded."

Artie fumbled with the gun, causing it to discharge. Mike jumped.

"Okay, it may have had one blank it in," she apologized.

Mike had switched out his hip-hop look for a new type of dance: a pair of skinny-cut slacks and a bright red-and-orange patterned silk shirt with a red-banded black Panama hat completed his salsa look. He'd been grooving down the hallways all morning, a little bit saddened by how the restrictiveness of Tina's dress had prevented them from having an impromptu partners' dance in the middle of the school.

: : :

Emma was warily roaming the hallways. "Miss Pillsbury!" a voice called, nearly causing Emma to jump out of her skin. She spun around, happy to find out it was Quinn Fabray, who was dressed much more appropriately than yesterday: a pink-and-white tennis outfit consisting of a form-fitting tank and a pleated skirt, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail with a red bow.

"Oh, Quinn, there you are! I like the new look. Much better than the Paris Hilton thing you had happening yesterday. Tennis player?"

"Yeah, it's part of the evolution of my style. I've moved up to trophy wife. It's my country club getup."

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah, easy to put together, too. Just raided my mom's closet. Which is something I will never do again without asking. A woman's closet should be a secure place." She started to nod slowly and continuously, her mind elsewhere.

"Do you by chance need to talk to me today?"

"Yeah, how's fifth period?" Quinn answered immediately.

"So… trophy wife… who's the lucky husband?"

Quinn was quiet and smiled sheepishly.

"Oh!" Emma noted with realization. "Oh," she added with disappointment. "Oh," she finished with disapproval.

"It's magic, you know," Quinn sang, grinning, "Anyway, maybe a rain check on that visit? I can talk to another teacher about this. Not Mr. Schue," she pointed out quickly. "Toodles!" And with that, she strode off quickly.

She passed by Finn and Rachel with a brief perturbed look at their outfits before passing on.

"I don't think she liked them," Finn remarked, wearing 1960s-style military fatigues, "I'm kind of afraid they might be a tad offensive."

"Why? We live in a post-isolationist world," Rachel remarked, wearing Vietnamese robes, "where all cultures should feel free to embrace the traditional attire of any place in the global community. Plus, I happen to feel a strong connection to Lea Salonga. Should I have chosen The Diary of Anne Frank instead? You'd look dashing as an SS officer." Her tone was sarcastic.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to look up what that means. You say it like it's a Nazi or something."

: : :

There was an assembly before lunch.

With the exception of the members of New Directions, who sat together, and a few clouds of imitators hovering around certain members, the auditorium was starkly divided, with cliques of similarly dressed students forming clods in the bleachers.

Principal Figgins walked up to the microphone and drolly announced, "I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this assembly today, seeing as we do not have a football team to cheer for nor any cheerleaders to lead the cheers. The truth is that I did not call this assembly. The entity known only as TheSource on the Twitter social network site is the one who called this assembly, as he wishes to address you all."

Lauren Zizes came up and started a projector connected to a laptop, displaying a Twitter homepage for "TheSourceAtWMHS." A series of tweets appeared on screen.

Helo, mortals. Its nice 2 c u here at #WMHS.

BrittanySPierce is now queen. luv ur doggy

Kurt mentioned to Brittany, "You shouldn't have changed your look again." Her cell phone buzzed and she checked it.

WMHS_QuizBowl tesed Queen BrittanySPierce yester day & now is bottom cliq. Should be #slushied

Without warning, the quiz bowl team, dressed in academic robes, was slushied by all the groups surrounding them. Brittany's phone buzzed and she checked it.

Ooh, #slushied WMSH_QuizBowl team is now pretty rainbo colored. Thx

A student in druid robes stood up and called out. "Oh, Master Source, please reveal yourself so that we may worship you!"

The students began to chant "Source! Source! Source!" Will and Emma looked disconcerted.

Ok, #WMHS, you can meet me.

Becky Jackson walked out from behind the screen, holding a mobile phone. There was a pregnant pause.

"Pay no attenshun 2 the man behind the screen" 3 #WizerdOfOz

Karofsky stood up, "I ain't letting some retard run this school!" Becky frowned.

Karofski & all hocky players now below #WMHS_QuizBowl. No mercy, plz kthxbye.

Karofsky was thrown to the floor by his own teammates. He was pummeled with spitballs, pens, pencils, erasers, and other small objects.

"Coach Sylvester!" cried Becky, before typing on her phone again.

Bow to CoachSueSylvester (#6NationalTitles #forPresident) plz.

There was a brief pause before the entire school, minus Will, Emma, and New Directions, bowed down in their seats to Sue Sylvester, who was entering through the double doors. She had her distinctive track suit on, and now sported a scar over her left eye.

"Well, there's a welcome I can accept!" she exclaimed, "Thank you very much, Becky."

Sue made her way to the microphone and began a rousing speech. "It's good to be back. Just to let you know what I've experienced, I endured months of torture at the hands of my socialist captors."

Will walked over to Sue. "Sue, you've only been gone a week. And you don't appear to have any injuries besides your eye."

"Oh, that was self-inflicted. After I'd killed all my captors, I wanted to demonstrate to them why they lost."

"That doesn't make any sense, Sue."

Sue turned to Becky, "Hey, Becky, put glee club at the bottom of the pack again."

Becky refused, "But, Coach, Brittany's on glee and she's the best in the world!"

"Agreed, with the exception of my Cheerios. They are still top dogs."

WMHS_NewDirections is bottom. WMHS_Cheerios are top.

Sue spoke into the mic, "So, with the exception of the horrendously dressed Santana Lopez, who has seen fit to mar her affirmative action-inducing caramel skin with what appears to be printer toner, all Cheerios are hereby reinstated."

Santana immediately began to bawl in her seat, causing her facial tattoos to bleed down her face. Brittany held her close and glared at anyone who so much looked like they wanted to do something untoward to her. The rest of the club followed suit, with Quinn in front.

Jacob Ben Israel ran down the bleacher stairs, wearing an Adidas track suit. "Coach Sylvester, I was so inspired by your powerful reign on this school, that when the students decided to emulate great fashions, I chose yours."

"Well, aren't you the homely little sycophant? I have no use for you, but I'm fairly sure my number one Cheerio could use a personal assistant. Hey, Becky, what do you say you make Rabbi Snozawitz your personal assistant?"

"Okay," Becky agreed immediately.

Jacob didn't look terribly overjoyed at this news, but nodded graciously.

: : :

During lunch, Santana, still red-eyed and catatonic, sat between Quinn and Brittany who were wearing their Cheerios uniforms again. The smeared tattoos were still marking her face and arms, though Brittany was doing her best to wash them off with a napkin dipped in Sprite. Upon closer inspection, her "tribal" tattoos consisted mostly of curlicues connecting doodles of kitties, puppies, ducks, rainbows, hearts, and pom-poms. As they disappeared, Brittany frowned sadly. She mentioned, "Don't worry, I got you the best lawyer so you can sue Coach Sylvester…" She abruptly giggled. "'you can sue Sue' Sorry. You can sue for your position back." She held a thumbs-up to Sam Evans, who returned the gesture, looking with confusion at a crayon drawing of stick-figure Brittany and Santana cheerleading with a frowning stick-figure Sue Sylvester looking on.

Rachel looked forlorn at her own table, where Finn was trying to reassure her. She muttered, "I was so looking forward to trying out My Fair Lady on Friday. You would have looked absolutely dashing as a professor, Finn."

"It's amazing how fast things got back to order," Tina remarked, trying to change the subject. Mercedes and Kurt agreed. None of the group had changed clothes yet.

Artie pointed out, "Kurt, you're on the Cheerios. Why aren't you back in your uniform?"

"I spent a lot of time on this outfit," he admitted, "So I told Sylvester I'd left my uniform at home but would start wearing it tomorrow. She wasn't happy and now I've got to sing both parts to a Captain and Tenille song, but as long as I back in red tomorrow, I'm still on the squad."

"And out of your Robin Hood getup?" Artie asked.

"It's not Robin Hood! Or Peter Pan! My look was inspired by an Esprit outfit that may or may not have in turn been inspired by either of those literary figures. Give me some credit."

Mercedes looked over, "Now, it's not like I've got any love for Santana, but that's kind of pathetic. Do you think Sue will let her back on the team once she gets herself cleaned up?"

"Oh, probably," Kurt replied, "she's got the best hip-shimmy butt-roll combo on the squad, and I know for a fact that Sue was putting her front and center since she heard that David Hasselhoff was going to be judging Nationals this year."

At that moment, Coach Beiste walked in the door. She walked a little like a zombie, slowly but with purpose, and kind of looked like a zombie, as she was covered in what appeared to be stings.

: : :

In the nurse's office, Puck, Finn, Mike, and Sam gathered around Beiste.

"Coach, the nurse said that you had enough venom in your system to kill three men. Are you sure you're okay?" Finn asked.

"Boy, do you really think I'm not more powerful than three men?"

"No," Finn covered, "you're worth like ten men. A hundred. A million. No, more even; like a thousand."

"Okay, I didn't ask you to flirt with me like a rattle snake at a flea market. I could get in big trouble for that."

Finn looked queasy, so he backed up.

"So you actually destroyed all the nests with your bare hands?" Puck asked.

"You bet I did, Puckerman. You think I'm making this up?"

"No way; I just think it's totally boss," Puck replied with genuine admiration.

"Well, I appreciate that," Beiste remarked diplomatically.

"So, is football back on now?" Sam asked, "'Cause these suits are really itchy and Miss Pillsbury's been giving me sweet-eyes."

"It'll take another couple of days to clear out the kudzu," Besite remarked, "but we'll be on the field first thing Monday morning."

"It'll be nice to have a break," Mike commented.

"Oh, there'll be no break, Chang," Beiste remarked, "we've already lost too much time, so we'll be running drills in an industrial freezer every afternoon until Monday. I suggest you invest in some long underwear unless you boys want to become the new sopranos in your little glee club."

All the boys' eyes went wide.

: : :

The following day, Santana volunteered to sing first. Dressed in an oversized merlot-colored sweater and tight blue jeans, she sang "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, while self-consciously pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands.

I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

After her song, which seemed to leave her drained, she wordlessly returned to her seat between Mike and Brittany. She picked up Merry Cherry from Brittany's lap and laid her head on the cheerleader's thighs, holding the Cheerio uniform-clad dog in her arms.

Puck spoke up next. "Yeah, I know you're all sad and whatever about getting kicked on the Cheerios, and since you've flatly turned down all my offers of pity sex." The combined glares of all the females in the room withered the rest of his speech, so he was forced to get the point. "Me and Artie have a little something to bring the mood in the room back up."

Will gestured for them to continue.

Puck with his guitar and Artie with his base played the opening licks to "The Boys Are Back in Town" by Thin Lizzy.

Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that had been away
Haven't changed, haven't much to say
But man, I still think them cats are crazy

They were asking if you were around
How you was, where you could be found
Told them you were living downtown
Driving all the old men crazy

The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town

Mike got up and started dancing immediately. As the second verse started, he gestured to Tina to join him, which she eagerly did. Quinn followed, dragging Mercedes and Kurt with her.

You know that chick that used to dance a lot
Every night she'd be on the floor shaking what she'd got
Man when I tell you she was cool, she was red hot
I mean she was steaming

And that time over at Johnny's place
Well this chick got up and she slapped Johnny's face
Man we just fell about the place
If that chick don't want to know, forget her

Mike spun Tina to Kurt and danced with Quinn, and then Mercedes, leaving Quinn to join Kurt and Tina. Tina returned to Mike, and Kurt to Mercedes, Quinn found her way to the bench where Will was sitting, yanked him up, and they danced together.

The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town
I said
The boys are back in town

Finn and Rachel jumped up from their seat to dance as well. Santana finally pushed Brittany away, so that she could join the dancing to, though she remained nearby, orbiting Santana, eliciting a smile from her.

The song ended, and Puck made an announcement. "This song was really special to me, because it represents the end of my tenure with the jazz band, as well as my public friendship with my boy Artie here. Due to the restored order of the school, I will be forced to treat Artie with abject indifference."

Artie grinned, "Which is a step up from restrained aversion, so I'm still quite pleased."

Their speech was interrupted by Figgins walking in. His eyes briefly locked on where Quinn was sitting next to Will on the piano bench, but she seemed to understand the implications and quickly made her way back to her seat.

"What can I help you with, Figgins?"

"Nothing much, Schue. I just wanted to come and address your glee club." He turned to the students, "I wanted to make everyone aware, that contrary to popular opinion, I have regained my position of authority over the school, and that Becky Jackson is no longer officially authorized to made amendments to school policy."

"She was officially authorized?" Will asked.

"In exchange for not having McKinley renamed 'Hogwarts', I may have signed a document to such. Our lawyer has assured me that to a legal loophole, namely improper certification as well as the fact that it was written in gel pen by a pre-pre-law club student by the name of Samuel Evans containing an egregious number of misspellings, has rendered the document null and void."

"You came down here just to tell us that?"

"I still do not have permission to use my own intercom system."

Will laughed, "Maybe your next stop should be the A/V club."

"I have already spoken with them." Figgins let that statement sit before excusing himself.

"Okay," Will remarked, "that was an interesting end to a very interesting week. We have time for one more song. I really want to buckle down and start looking for numbers for Sections next week." Without even seeing her hand, Will called on Rachel.

"Mr. Schue, Finn and I have prepared something that I believe fulfills both this week and last week's assignment."

"It a country song, but it's like totally more awesome than Puck's was." Puck sent Finn a challenging glare that Finn tried to ignore.

The band began playing "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles.

Over the sound of the violin and drum set, Finn began:

I spent twenty years trying to get out of this place
I was lookin' for somethin' I couldn't replace
I was runnin' away from the one thing I've ever known

Rachel came in, adding as much twang to her voice as she could manage.

And like a blind dog without a bone
I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone
I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold

They sang to each other:

I've been there, done that, now I ain't lookin' back
And the seeds I've sown, savin' dimes
Spendin' too much time on the telephone
Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go home?
There's only one place that call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rollin' stone
Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left, I want to go
Who says you can't go home? It's alright
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright

With the exception of Puck, mad at being outdone, the entire club bounced in their seats.

Brittany turned to Santana, who was dancing more listlessly than the rest. "You okay?"

Santana answered, "Behold, she cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see her, and they also which pierced her: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of her."

"Hmm?" Brittany wondered.

"I'll be back," she replied, linking her pinkie with Brittany's.


A/N: I found myself spending an inordinate time writing about clothing, but I was really trying to complete the visual element of this series.

Anyway, I'm glad I ended the series here, because it was getting so tricky to write and I swear the whole thing was about to implode. But fear not; I will be jumping right into the sequel. I'll say only two things. Santana will be back. And the social hierarchy of the school will be getting another makeover.