Ok I've been a lurker on FF for years. I've been reading Young Guns fiction since people started posting it here and some I've loved, some I've disliked but the good thing about it was everything was fresh, new and full of ideas. That hasn't been true over the last few years, Mary Sue's are running riot! As are bad grammar and spelling! The people writing these stories don't seem to care... which is baffling to moi... Not every story in the last year or so has been bad to me, want to make that clear, there have been a few gems, but mostly Mary Sue's have taken over!
But who am I to judge? I hear you squeak! Well, no one... I actually find these stories SO funny! While at the same time having the conflicting emotion of feeling insulted for the characters that are getting slimed by these 'oh so special girls'
So I had a thought! Why not write a parody of one of these stories drawing from each one to create a hilariously stupid tale of Mary Suedom! Maybe it will cause these people writing Mary Sues to re-think and try and actually become better writers who use their imagination! Perhaps it will stop them posting so many mind numbing (but funny) stories... but mostly I hope it will make you laugh! :-)
When I write I will be writing as a Mary Sue lover... the story will not be spell checked or re-read but put up just as most stories are put up on here, half assed!
Let us begin!
Hello, my name is Sparkle Pretty KickAss Gunslinger Girl Tunstall but most just call me Sparkle. I live in the wild, wild, west, New Mexico to be exact and I'm on the run from a bad past and the fact I killed a load of people. Yeah I dunno why I did it, I guess I wanted to be a badass gun slinging girl, but really I'll reveal later I'm as soft as a fluffy marshmellowy thing and had a GOOD reason for doing it (bad past, get it?)
Now I'm walking down Lincoln main street (that's in New Mexico for you noobs) I've lived here for a few weeks in a saloon that is also a place for 'women of the night' but I'm not one of them! That's disgusting!
So anyway, I'm walking up the street and I'm minding my own business when this big ugly cowboy walks on up to me. He's all ugly and fat, with no teeth and bad breath, nothing like the Hollywood cowboys we'll meet later.
"Hey pretty, wanna come with me?"
"The name's Sparkle sparky and I don't take kindly to men talking to me!"
BANG BANG BANG! I shot the fat cowboy in his gut and he died! He was totally dead and I'd shot him!
Oh I forgot to mention my friend, Raven Notascuteasme Halfindian Knifethrower, but I just called her Raven. She was part Indian and had an awesome skill at throwing knives. She's just stood there while I shot the fat guy, she usually let me have the glory cause I'm so me.
Now let me tell you what we look like, I had flaming red hair and blazing intense green eyes and could see into your very soul. I'm super pretty and young, but since I want to be considered a complete freak I dress in men's clothing and I have two guns, to shoot people with! Raven is a little darker than me with long black hair and dark eyes she too dresses as a man because we are rebels and outcasts!
We also both have horses that are mentally tied to us, we like totally get each other and have this connection! Mine is called Sunbeam and Raven's is called Moonlight.
Now a bit about our pasts! I was born a real lady in a city and I hated it! I was whiney and couldn't accept being tied down! I wanted to be free FREE, free as a bird in the sky flying around cawing and... flying. But I was consisted by corsets and balls! It was soooo bad having everything done for me and living such an easy life at a time when being rich meant you had a good life, I couldn't stand my luck! I wanted to go hungry and cold, get shot at a lot and get treated like crap! I wanted to be a cowboy! Or even better an outlaw! Awesome! So one night I'd found out my family wanted me to marry some guy I didn't like and didn't want to bother to get to know, because he wasn't dangerous or fun, so I'd run away on horseback on Sunbeam into the starry night!
Raven's story was kinda sad, her whole family had died, I mean everyone! Her mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins, second cousins, first cousins removed and the family dog. They'd all been killed by the EVIL army! But let's not go into that because it's way too sad! She'd ran away too on her horse Moonlight and we'd met when I saved her life from a guy about to rape her! OMG how gross right? She was so grateful that she agreed to become my sidekick and we set off to have many adventures which I won't bother telling you about cause I want to rewrite a plot that's been done over and over ok!
Somehow along the way both of us had picked up OMFG AMAZING skills with guns and knives! We were super fast and super awesome!
Now back to the story. I'd just killed that fat cowboy remember? Raven and me started to panic cause the law would soon be after us and then we'd have to have a big gun battle and kill lots of people, we didn't want to do that cause at heart we are good people we just had badass skills that makes people want to mess with us. We were wanted ALL across the west!
Then suddenly this old guy in a buggy pulls up with some other blonde guy!
"Hey, you two strangers why don't you hop in my buggy and save yourself from the law!" The old man said. "I have a thing for runaways and murderers."
Raven and me gave each other a look, we didn't know if we should trust this man but what choice did we have! We both jumped into the buggy and off we went.
Na de na de na na na na na, ne no na! Whee woo wheee we woo whe wo we wooooo (cheesy 80's guitars etc)
Chapter one completa! Hope you fellow Young Guns fans enjoyed it or hated it, either way is good. Flamers and people with a sense of humor are equally welcome to review.