Scene ends and opens on the beach. An aisle is paved with sand. Beach chairs are set up for the guests. A portable altar is set near the water. Ross and Rachel are standing at the altar with Joey. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are standing behind the altar.
Voice-Over: Previously, on Friends:
Joey: By the powers vested in me, by the Internet and… Dumbledore, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Ross and Rachel kiss.
Monica: Chandler, I still really have to tell you something.
Monica glances at Ross and Rachel, still kissing, and leans up to whisper in Chandler's ear.
Monica (aside to Chandler): I think I might be pregnant.
Temporary blackout, returns to scene, now present. Guests are beginning to exit.
Rachel: What is it?
Chandler: I… just can't believe you two finally made it.
Monica: I know, I'm so happy for you two.
Chandler: Really? Would you say this happiness was something growing inside you?
Monica elbows Chandler. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens on the beach. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are standing by the shore.
Rachel: Oh, I can't believe Ross is my husband now.
Rachel turns and hugs Monica.
Rachel hugs Chandler.
Rachel turns and looks at Phoebe and Joey. A pause.
Rachel hugs Phoebe and Joey.
Ross: We did it!
Rachel: I know!
Joey: I helped.
Rachel: Thank you very much, Joey.
Phoebe: Hey! Do you guys realize that Joey's married all of us now?
Joey: Hey, wait, what about me?
Monica: You can officiate yourself, Joey.
Phoebe: Ooh, yeah, that would be cool!
Chandler: Well, I think I'm going to go lie down before the reception starts. Monica would you like to join me?
Chandler drags Monica away. Chandler and Monica exit.
Ross: Okay, they're setting up the reception right now. I think we should just relax and enjoy the island for a moment.
Rachel: Ooh, we should go jet skiing! Or climb Haleakala!
Ross: I was thinking more along the lines of lying in the hammocks.
Rachel: Well that sounds fun, too.
Phoebe: Ooh! I'll come too.
Ross: Actually, Phoebe, I was kind of thinking it should be more of a husband-wife thing.
Phoebe: I knew I should have married Ross.
Ross and Rachel exit.
Phoebe: Aren't you just so happy for them?
Phoebe: When do you think they're going to get divorced?
Joey: I give it two weeks.
Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's hotel room. Enter Monica and Chandler. Chandler closes the door.
Chandler: You're pregnant?
Monica: Are you still on that?
Chandler: How did this happen?
Monica: Well, I think it started a few months ago when somebody said, "We don't need to use condoms anymore! We can't have kids!"
Chandler: You said that!
Monica: I know.
Chandler: How did you know you were pregnant?
Monica: Right before the wedding, I was in the bathroom. There was a free pregnancy test in the cabinet, so I figured, "What the heck?" and used it. And it was positive.
Chandler: Well, maybe it was a false positive.
Monica: Yeah, I thought that too, but we have no way of checking.
Chandler (sarcastically): Hm. If only there were some way, in this day and age, to check whether or not you're pregnant.
Monica: Yeah, but the bathroom only has one, and I can't borrow Phoebe's or Rachel's because I don't want anyone to know.
Chandler: Well, they're gonna figure it out when you get all fat.
Monica: Are you calling me fat?
Chandler: Whoa! Okay, you're definitely pregnant, you're never this crazy mad.
Monica: Are you calling me crazy?
Chandler: Please don't hurt me.
Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: Hey, why don't we go downstairs and buy a pregnancy test from the gift shop?
Monica: But then we'd have to pay for it.
Chandler: Yeesh, Monica, you have to stop being so frugal.
Monica: Are you calling me cheap?
Chandler: Okay, we gotta go.
Exit Monica and Chandler. Scene opens in a coffee shop in the hotel. Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are sitting on a couch in front of coffee table. Each has a coffee cup in his or her hand.
Phoebe: I love Maui! It's so exotic, and different from New York. It kind of feels like living a different life.
Rachel: I know!
Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe each take of sip of his or her coffee. Rachel sits back. Enter Joey, running.
Joey: Phoebe! Come on! I just saw these people roasting a pig!
Phoebe: But Joey, I don't eat meat.
Joey: Yeah, but it had an apple in its mouth. Doesn't that mean it's one of those vegetarian pigs?
Ross (sarcastically): Yes, the rare Swinus vegetates, comprised of no pork.
Exit Phoebe and Joey. Rachel leans on Ross's shoulder.
Rachel: Hey, you.
Ross: Hey, Mrs. Geller.
Rachel: Greene-Geller. No, never mind, that sounds like a Dr. Seuss name. Just Greene. No, that's boring. Mrs. Geller. Only that kind of sounds like your mom-
Ross: How about just Rachel?
Rachel smiles. Rachel and Ross kiss.
Rachel: So what are going to do now?
Ross: Well, the reception starts in a few minutes-
Rachel: No, I mean… long-term. We're married. What's next?
Ross: Well, I guess the next thing would be having a kid.
Rachel: We've already done that!
Ross: We could get a house?
Rachel: I don't want a house.
Ross: We could send out a Christmas card as a married couple.
Ross: We could go to Disney World again.
Rachel: Ooh, that sounds fun!
Ross: Rachel, I was kidding! We just went to Disney World and now we're in Hawaii. Do you think I'm made of money?
Rachel: It's not like you paid for the whole Disney trip!
Ross: It's not like you paid at all!
Rachel: You're unbelievable.
Rachel: Not the good way!
Ross: I know.
Enter Jack Geller, Monica and Ross's dad.
Jack: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Geller, they're waiting for you. And by the way, I forgot to tell you, but congratulations, I've never seen two people so full of love for each other and-
Rachel: Why are you so obsessed with money?
Jack: Ah, married life.
Exit Jack Geller. Exit Ross and Rachel. Scene ends and opens in a bathroom in the hotel. Monica and Chandler are standing in the bathroom. A covered pregnancy test is sitting on a table.
Monica: Is it ready yet?
Monica: How about now?
Monica: How about-
Chandler: I'll tell you when it's ready.
Monica: I'm sorry! I'm excited.
Chandler: Okay, now.
Monica runs over to the table.
Monica: I don't think I can look at it.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I need you to look for me.
Chandler reaches for the pregnancy test. Monica leaps in front of him and steals the test.
Monica: No, I can't, I have to see it.
Monica uncovers the test, picks it up, and looks at it.
Monica: It's negative.
Chandler runs up behind Monica and looks over her shoulder. A pause.
Monica: Well. I guess… I guess that's it.
Chandler: It's wrong.
Chandler: The pregnancy test! It has to be wrong. Whoever made it is just… wrong. I'm going to write them a letter.
Chandler turns and takes a pen and pad of paper from the table.
Chandler (dictating while he writes): Dear Wrong People, You are wrong. Sincerely, Me.
Monica: You might want to be more specific.
Chandler writes something else on the pad.
Chandler: "You are very wrong."
Monica: Chandler, you're freaking out.
Chandler: Freaking out? I'm not freaking out.
Monica: Yes, you are. Look, I wanted it to be positive too, but it's not and we know why and we've already come to terms with it and we have two beautiful children at home.
Chandler: Well, yeah, I just…
Monica: I know.
Chandler: I mean, it felt like we would-
Monica: I know, Chandler.
Monica: You gonna be okay?
Monica hugs Chandler. Enter Rachel.
Rachel: Hey, gu- Monica, what are you holding?
Monica looks down at the pregnancy test in her hand.
Monica offers it to Rachel.
Monica: Happy wedding day!
Scene ends and opens at a luau. Joey and Phoebe are sitting at a table. The both have drinks in front of them. Phoebe's drink has a lime in it.
Joey: Should we be getting back to the reception?
Joey: Are you gonna eat your lime?
Phoebe: Ew! No!
Joey reaches over to take the lime. Phoebe bats his hand away.
Phoebe: I don't want to see you eat it! That's disgusting!
Joey: No it's not. Limes are delicious. They're, like, one of the top five most delicious foods.
Joey begins counting on his fingers.
Joey: Pizza, sandwiches, meatballs, limes… and more sandwiches.
Phoebe: Are they really that good?
Joey: Of course!
Phoebe: Then I think I'll eat mine.
Joey: You can't, I called it.
Joey: Right now. Called it!
Phoebe: It's mine.
Joey: Phoebe, that's very childish.
Joey steals the lime and pops it in his mouth.
Joey's face contorts into a sour grimace.
Scene ends and opens in the bathroom. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are standing near the door. Monica is still holding the pregnancy test.
Chandler: It's not what it looks like!
Rachel: Oh, really? So you just take pregnancy tests for fun?
Chandler: Well, yeah... but, um, that's not what we were doing this time.
Rachel: So it is what it looks like?
Chandler: Well... yeah.
Rachel: How could you do this to me, Monica? It's my wedding day!
Monica gestures toward her with the hand holding the pregnancy test while she speaks.
Monica: Hey, you did the exact same thing to me on my wedding day, and you kissed Ross on the night I got engaged, and – you probably do not want me flinging this at you.
Monica sets the pregnancy test on the table.
Rachel: Well, of course I did all those things. I just always assumed that you were a better friend than me!
Monica: I did too!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry for having Emma and kissing Ross and being mad at you.
Monica: I'm sorry, too.
Monica and Rachel hug.
Rachel: I'm also sorry for sneaking into your hotel room and stealing your little shampoo bottle.
Monica: That was you? I thought it was Ross!
Rachel: Oh, not important.
Monica and Rachel hug. A pause.
Chandler: Okay, so we've established that we are not having a baby, can I get out of the women's restroom now?
Credits appear on screen.
Scene opens in a ballroom set up for a wedding reception. Guests in fancy attire are walking around. Enter Phoebe and Joey.
Phoebe: I told you we would be late. I was sure it would be over by now.
Joey: Well, I needed something to get the sour limey taste out of my mouth.
Phoebe: An entire plate of pork? Look, there's Rachel.
Phoebe points to a woman in a wedding dress and walks toward her.
Phoebe: Rache, I'm so sorry we're-
Woman in wedding dress turns around. She is not Rachel. A pause.
Phoebe: So how do you know the bride?
END OF SHOW
A/N: In the words of Joey: "I'M BACK BABY!"