Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.
Spoilers: Through 2x02.
A/N: With the exception of Finn and Rachel, I actually like every couple on this show. Therefore, these are Sue's opinions and not mine. Not at all. Not even a little.
SUE'S COUPLES THERAPY
Every once in a while I feel the need to help the less fortunate out there. Today is another one of those days. Journal, it seems that the always repulsive glee club has gotten more bothersome. I just witnessed what seemed to be a couples retreat amongst their club in their choir room. I now know the embarrassment the Irish peasants of the 1840s felt. It was absolutely terrifying. I feel the only way to end this abomination is to sit them all down with one Sue Sylvester.
"So I've asked around, and as it turns out, no one knows which one of you is dating the other." Sue addressed Finn, Rachel, Quinn, and Puck over her desk. "It seems that you've all slept with each other, and I must say: I'm certainly not pleased."
"Coach Sylvester. I can assure you that I haven't had sex with anyone here." Rachel clarified. "Though I am in a very serious relationship with Finn, and I did have a brief yet arousing affair with Noah last year."
"Yeah she did." Puck smirked earning three glares from his side of the desk.
"Well if you and the other glee miscreant are together," Sue shifted her penetrating gaze from Rachel and Finn to Quinn and Puck, "that leaves you two to fill out the remaining corners of this dismal square."
"Well, actually-" Quinn began to explain.
"Q, I expected more from my recently reappointed head cheerio." Sue shook her head. "Sure, you've had spawn with him, but other than your bastardy next generation, the two of you have nothing in common. Yes, both of you are probably hormonally driven, no doubt in a direct result from the poorly, sexually suppressed song choices one Will Schuester has stored in your minds, but it's still disappointing. You're dragging the winning Sylvester name down with this sinking relationship you've chosen for yourself. It's disgraceful."
"But I-" Quinn tried to defend once again only to be ignored.
"And as for you two." Sue addressed the other couple. "I can't even believe I'm saying this, but I think you've managed to become more boring since last year." Rachel gasped. "In fact, if you did something remotely interesting, I'd probably be more shocked than that time I looked down only to find a tattoo of the great Tom Jones branded onto my chiseled abs." The four teens shared confused looks with each other while Sue merely continued. "Of course, after giving it more thought, it wasn't that surprising. After all, 'What's new Pussycat?' was written for yours truly."
Finn frowned. "I thought you said you were born in the '80s?"
The older woman glared. "You four disgust me. Now get out of my office."
"I have it under good authority that Tina Cohen-Chang now finds you about as appealing as a cluster of carbuncles exploding with puss."
"Oh." Artie frowned. "W-well did she say that?"
"My god, you're pathetic. Shape up. Last year, you two were possibly the only couple in your little club that didn't make me cringe in discomfort. Sure, whenever I allowed myself to think about the sad teen romances in this town yours tended to put me to sleep, but I wasn't disgruntled by it."
He frowned. "Thank you?"
"Don't thank me. Giving thanks is for the weak. Do you know how I celebrate Thanksgiving? I go out to the Clarkson's Shooting Range to fire off unsuspecting garden gnomes just as our ancestors did to the Native Americans on that very same day."
"O-oh. Well, that's nice."
She leaned back in her chair. "Not really. Now listen here. You need to toughen up. You're currently losing to Chop Suey. Remember: Just because you have a damaged spine doesn't mean you can't grow a backbone."
"Congratulations. You two have become yet another collective statistic." Sue chastised the newest found couple. "You've also set the race revolution back 150 years, all while leaving a cripple behind in your betraying dust."
"Okay Miss Sylvester, I don't know what you've heard or even what we're doing here, but Artie was a terrible boyfriend." Tina filled in the cheerleading coach. "And I'm not dating Mike because he's Asian. I really like him; he understands me; he listens." Tina turned to her boyfriend.
Sue shifted her eyes between the two smiling teens across from her. "Well isn't that sickenly sweet? It leaves a taste in your mouth that's about as enjoyable as sour milk."
"I'm very sad to find out that the other black kid moved away. I was hoping you two would get together."
"Okay, that's a stereotype and kinda racist." Mercedes snapped at her former coach.
"However, now I'm quite pleased. I understand you, like everyone else, had a brief romance with the Jewish Puckerman last year, but other than that you haven't dated anyone in that unfortunate club." Sue leaned on her elbows before continuing. "I now know you're the smartest one in glee. You stay clear of all of that absurd behavior."
"Well it's not like I do it on purpose."
"No, probably not, but I believe it can be contributed to your friendship with Ladyface. I now understand the longing need women have for a gay best friend."
"Again. That's kind of a stereotype."
"Irrelevant. I stand by my statement."
"Well you two certainly seem to be popular amongst the other backward kids in this school."
"Coach Sylvester, we're not dating." Kurt informed her.
"What?" She snapped.
"Yeah, I've never actually spoken to him." Sam nodded slowly.
"Besides, I think he's straight." Kurt continued.
"Oh. Well if you're not here for the gay kid, what on earth are you doing here?" She addressed the fellow blonde.
"Um…I don't really know." Sam trailed off, and looked to the boy on his left for some type of assistance.
"Well figure it out." She ordered. "As of now, I find you about as interesting and original as the acid rain that destroys our very rainforests. So you're a football player who can sing and dance. Who isn't nowadays? In fact, I'm surprised the cashier at my grocery store doesn't burst out into offensive song every time I buy my estrogen inducers." She mused. "And I know it's only been a few weeks, but so far I see no purpose in your presence at McKinley High. Shake it up a bit. Maybe then you'll grow on me; though that's incredibly doubtful because I'm already opposed to your pointless existence."
"I gotta say: I approve." Sue lifted one of her hand weights. "I know what you're thinking. How could I, the clearly averse-of-homosexuality Sue Sylvester, be this accepting of your relationship? It's simple. You two somehow manage to sleep with everyone, including each other, and never come off as the sluts you are. Quite the feat in today's society."
Brittany and Santana smiled.
"After spending my morning interviewing the deviants of your sorry club, I've finally made a conclusion: This is your fault." Sue told her unfortunate colleagues. "William, Ethel, you set a poor example." Emma and Will sighed. "How could these kids ever have a stable relationship with you two as their role models? What's worse is I feel like I've already had this conversation with you several times."
"Then maybe we shouldn't have this conversation again." Will suggested.
"Offensive. Here I am trying to help those who clearly need it only to be driven away by the unappreciative undermining of those below me. I do not appreciate this, William. And I suggest you listen to what I'm saying." She paused. "You and Ermit here are ruining those kids' lives. They actually think that they're in stable relationships."
"It's high school, Sue. It's good for them to be exploring and growing." Emma argued. "The glee kids are smart and mature…well mostly. They can handle their own relationships."
"How can they handle their own relationships when you can't even handle yours?"
"Sue, that-" Will began.
"I'm actually confused by you two more than anyone else. You're adults. You should be better at this."
"Well-" Emma tried.
"But then I remember that one of you is mentally unstable while the other one is hosting pathogens beneath his oiled curls." Will rolled his eyes. "After that, I generally stop questioning your inefficientness in being in a stable relationship." Sue looked to Emma. "I mean, Will has enough exes lined up to start a desperate attempt at a game show while you've begun dating a dentist that makes me want to take a cast ironed pan to the face. Not exactly what I'd call healthy. So congratulations. You have both spread your dysfunction down to those who you are meant to be teaching. You're a disease."
I'm afraid it's out of my hands. It's gone on for too long without me there to control it. Every single relationship that exists within the dreaded glee club is absolutely doomed. They somehow manage to dramatize everything all while making it seem meaningless. It makes no sense to me. More so, I don't think they actually realize how disturbing their relationships are. They are beyond hope. I shall spend the next few years watching them fail miserably. Each one will decimate right in front of my very eyes.
I'm looking forward to it.