A/N: You know, I've always thought Rei saw a small part of herself in Koan. The reason I say that is because Koan was one of the only Sailor Moon baddies that Rei actually wanted to save. I think when Rei gave the speech she did at the end of her flame battle with Koan she wanted to say more than what she had actually let on. I mean let's face it, how many other times do we see her block Jupiter from kicking the living snot out of an enemy? Anyway, that's why I wanted to do this little one-shot in Rei's POV.
Takes place an unspoken amount of time after episode 70. (The fight that turns Koan into a human.)
I do not own Sailor Moon.
Her eyes were filled with tears that day. I've never felt so…connected…with an adversary before. I wanted to protect her. She was dark on the outside; however I think inwardly, she was a very passionate woman. Those deep pools of emotion that her eyes held went far deeper than I could tell you. I couldn't read it all because I felt I was drowning. Her hair fell over her shoulders as the woman I had known to be rather tough, fell onto her knees.
Her lips were puckered, her makeup crass, yet very attractive for a woman of her completion…even as the flood of her feelings poured through puffy eyes, she was still a beautiful woman. If only that man had seen that. You know, things happened like a blur to me. I can't exactly describe what went through my mind with any sort of clarity.
At the time, I don't know why I helped her. I could have said it was out of pity, it would have made a good cover up…but the truth is, I don't really have any idea why. I'm a Sailor Senshi first and foremost. That is my job. Protecting Usagi comes before all else….and yet, I felt remorse for this woman. She's so very much like me I think. Perhaps that was why…she was a kindred spirit; living solely for a person would never show her the meaning of love.
He was going to kill her. That sick twisted freak made her hold a bomb in her hands, as if telling her to commit her own suicide just to get rid of me. I couldn't have allowed that. When my friends pulled it away, when Makoto, who at the time was transformed into Sailor Jupiter blasted the thing in mid air, I think Koan saw a part of her life go up into a literal cloud of smoke.
She could wield fire too. Her flames, they burned…but it wasn't passion that kept her inner power ablaze. It was anger, sadness, malice, regret, remorse…so many hurtful emotions gave her such painful flames. I think I only realized that when she starting using her own body, swinging wildly at anyone who got near her. It was then I realized that she hadn't wanted that power any more than we wanted that power.
Being a Senshi is a gift, but it comes with a price and I know that.
She was like a Senshi without her gift, and yet, she had to pay everything her heart could possibly offer. Any one of us could have done what she did. If Usagi wasn't the loving, giving, needy, although overly annoying crybaby who actually needs us…I think we could be just like Koan and her sisters. That was why I couldn't bear to see her get hurt anymore. If there was ever a time I felt like Usagi, I would have to say that would have been the one defining moment.
You know, back at D point, we knew we were goners. When Makoto passed away, we knew right then and there we were going to be fighting a losing war. We were alright with that. Usagi gives us happiness, she fights for us. She cares about us, and, in her own way, she loves every single one of us. We knew it would all be alright because we wanted her to be happy. I'll be honest, all of the save the world crap…that's exactly what it is…crap spewed to make us feel better about our own, real reasons for doing what we do. Usagi…she's our selfish reason…she's our light and in the end of it all, we need her more than she'll ever know.
Koan didn't have that.
That's why I jumped. I think I understand now why exactly it was that Usagi had wanted to give away her crystal. We were all too stupid to really look and see the truth. Usagi didn't want us to be hurt because of her own selfish desires. She wanted us to live, the world could be damned. She didn't want the world, she wanted us. As a Senshi, we have to place a side of us away, deep down and locked from most of our emotions. The end justifies the means, and sometimes…we forget the human nature to really want and need a mortal soul.
A Senshi heart and a human heart are two totally different things. A Senshi must fight as the warrior she is. She cannot be selfish. She cannot have wants or dreams that could interfere with her tasks. Duty comes before all else, including her own happiness. We, as Usagi's Sailor Senshi are blessed. She is what makes us happy. Gladly, we would fight by her side. A human heart is the side of us that allows ourselves that moment of vanity. We can feel like the girls we all want to be. I can be the miko I was my entire life, back before I even knew what a Sailor Senshi was.
In Koan's case, I allowed my human heart to win out. I felt like I had to save her, my own life, the things I fought for, in an instant I felt as if it was all just petty words. I fought for love, but this woman…she hadn't been given any. There was no justification for what she had been told to do, the tears in her eyes…there wasn't going to be any salvation for this woman.
If Jupiter wouldn't have ended her, I know Venus or Mercury would have. Usagi was a giving person, but Koan had endangered the life of a child, she wouldn't have been easily forgiven. Not if she was allowed to rampage onward full of pain, not if my fellow Senshi had to keep blocking attacks…they would have taken her life. Usagi comes first…that is Senshi law for us. Everything else needs to be equated into garbage compared to Usagi. Even I and the others know our place. Our lives are meaningless in comparison. Regardless of what Usagi may say on the matter.
It's just the harsh truth.
That's why I let go of my Senshi morals…I damned them to hell at that very moment. It just hurt too much to see the woman fight for someone so hard, only to be given such a sick, twisted, painful fate as her only answer. After taking the blow Jupiter dealt, I asked Usagi to make Koan human…without even asking her if that was what she wanted. It never occurred to me she may have wanted death. I think it was because of who we were. People of flame. I felt a connection with her; I wanted to be her savior. I craved to give just one person redemption from being a Senshi.
Even if she wasn't actually a Senshi...she played the role of one, in her own unique way.
Usagi told us after we had reawakened that she had wanted us to be normal girls, and I guess…I just wanted to repay the sentiment to someone, anyone who was like me. I don't like the fire I can produce, however I do like the gifts I have because of that fire. Koan…she hadn't been given a gift, and deep down, I wanted Koan to live for me. I wanted her to have a life of peace, happiness without anymore fighting. I wanted her to have it because I couldn't.
She smiles now when she walks down the street. Now she's just another human, another woman doing the daily grind. It's a new experience for her, but she says she likes it. She sells her cosmetics and makes an honest, decent living. She's doing alright now, and I'm happy for her. It was about time she had a real chance. Now she makes her own fate and her own rules. That really is a good thing, despite what Luna worries about.
Life also gives birth to new meanings….I've also found a new reason to justify my life. I have a larger, bigger picture now, and a slightly different means for an end. I fight not only for Usagi, but for Koan, and the love she wanted. Crimson Rebus never gave her what she needed, and I am a warrior who fights for love and justice…
She and I are a lot alike. She loved a man who would never love her, and I love a woman who cares deeply for me, but would never be able to return my feelings. She's promised to someone else, and I really don't want to change that fate. He makes her one of the happiest women alive, I would never want to take that away. However, I now know all too well what the pain of unrequited love can cause…I can't allow anyone else go through that if I can help it.
That means I need to fight for her too, so that she will never have to pick up her flames of pain ever again…she can have a passionate gift of life. She can have what I cannot. I will wield our burdens of flame for the both of us…I will fight for my love that is unspoken. I will protect them both, because no one else will fight for her. It was my choice to save her, and now, I am responsible for her protection.
I still fight for my causes, I still protect Usagi. I still need my justification to go on with my life...but I swear I will continue on my path so that Koan will never have too again. I will help cultivate a bright future. I will stand among the people who I know need me, no longer will I fight with a soul merely bent on the means to the end. That is no longer my calling. i am Still a Sailor Senshi, but I do not fight to save the world. now I fight so that I may be happy, with the people who need me most. It may be selfish, but that is my reason.
I will stake my life on that fact alone.
Please leave me a review. I know it likely wasn't what you were expecting...but, oh I don't know...it was a random musing and just seemed right. I have no other real reason for why I typed it.