("You know how I keep telling everyone I'm NOT evil? It gets harder and harder to convince people every day.")
A metal door was slammed shut, and Vanessa had a frown on her face as she reached in front of her and grasped the metal bars of the cell.
("Especially after you get a rap sheet.")
A police officer walked away, twirling his baton around as he trotted towards the exit. Vanessa groaned as she rested her forehead against the bars.
"I KNEW this was all a big mistake!" Vanessa shouted out loud.
She glanced down to look at the form-fitting apricot-colored catsuit she was wearing. But she wasn't upset over the bright color of the outfit, or that she was even wearing a catsuit to begin with. It was why she was wearing it.
"What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?"
Actually, Vanessa changed her mind. The biggest mistake wasn't any of those three things. The biggest mistake... was the fellow 16-year old girl who had been arrested with her. The blonde, pig-tailed, big-chested, teenage girl freaking out behind her, wearing a similar catsuit, but in carnation pink. The girl whom she swore had a brain the size of a pea and the lack of intelligence to go with it. The girl who did nothing but talk about boys, boys, and more boys. In fact, this was the first time in hours that she had said anything that had nothing to do with boys.
This girl... was Vanessa's partner.
"Doofy, Doofy!" she cried, as she turned Vanessa around and grabbed a hold of her by the shoulders. "What are we going to do?"
"First off," Vanessa growled, as she pushed her partner's arms off of her, "stop calling me DOOFY! And second... it's your fault we're in this mess! You just HAD to set off that alarm, didn't you?"
"Haven't I said 'I'm sorry' enough already?"
"Not nearly enough," Vanessa mumbled under her breath.
The girl started crying even louder, even as she buried her face in her hands and walked away from Vanessa. Vanessa sighed.
("Tears-a-Plenty Barbie over there is, unfortunately, my partner, Carly Adams-Chrysanthemum-Montgomery-Ward. Yeah... don't ask. Anyway, she and I were on our first unsupervised mission as spies. As you can see, it didn't turn out well.")
Carly had made her way over to the only bench in the cell, and she laid on it face-down, continuing to cry into its hard, wooden surface.
("But you're probably wondering... when did we become spies? Heck, I'm wondering why I agreed to be a spy in the first place. That's so NOT me. Sad to say, it wasn't exactly my choice.")
Vanessa heard another door slam shut, this one being the one that led into the area where the cell she and Carly had been put in was.
("Maybe I should start from the beginning. A few hours, perhaps? Back when I thought this would be another droll and uninteresting day...")
Doofy and Doofus
Story Written by Freedom Fighter
So, after I promised to deliver a lot of 'I'm Me' Vanessa in my first story with her and failed to live up to my promise, I had to come back with a new tale and try again. Okay, actually, a new, longer Vanessa story was always in the cards regardless of the reception from the first story. Plus, no one can resist seeing the self-proclaimed action double-feature on Friday night!
And admit it... you know Vanessa could totally pull off being a spy. If she wanted to. And she does here. Or... does she?
Based on the events of the episode "Vanessassary Roughness."
Disclaimer: The characters of 'Phineas and Ferb' belong to Disney.
Chapter One - I'm a Spy! [Don't Tell Anyone!], Part 1 (09.30.10)
(Doofenshmirtz Evil Daddy Day-Care!
Is out of business...)
Vanessa was on her cell phone, walking on the sidewalk somewhere in downtown Danville, when she saw a stream of angry parents and all of their upset and crying toddlers exiting from a small store with the sign 'Doofenshmirtz Day-Care' propped up against the glass of the display window. They were followed out by a man in a suit, who hung a smaller sign on the doorknob that read 'Closed by order of the Danville Health Inspector.'
"Uh, Lacey? Lemme call you back in ten."
Vanessa then hung up and sighed in disgust as she headed for the store's front door. But the health inspector tried to stop her.
"You can't go in there, miss! It's a health hazard."
"My dad's a hazard in general," Vanessa explained. "He does this stuff all the time."
"That guy's your father? You poor, poor girl."
The inspector shook his head as he walked towards his car.
("I promised Mom that I'd go a little easier on Dad.")
Vanessa reached for the knob and turned it, and the front door of the shop swung open. Given how many times in the past she had walked in on her dead after his evil scheme had been thwarted by his nemesis, Perry the Platypus, she shouldn't be surprised about the carnage that resulted from it anymore.
But even she never expected what she found inside the day-care.
Baby cribs were in so many pieces that the remains could easily be interpreted as a pile of kindling. Vegetables processed into sauces easy for infants to consume were splattered all over... some straight from their jars, but most had obviously was of the regurgitated variety. Piled up in a near corner was a slew of dirty, waste-filled diapers. Some were in the overfilled garbage can, others had been piled up around it... and a swarm of flies was gathering around the stink-pile.
And, in the center of room, was her dad, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, partially buried in baby bottles. A few of them were partially filled with milk, but the rest, presumably, was all over the evil mad scientist's body, dripping from his nose, chin, and fingers and leaving behind a sticky residue on him and his clothes.
("Funny how promises always seem to get broken.")
"Vanessa!" Dr. D said with a shock. "Now, I know this looks bad, but..."
Vanessa was going to respond, but quickly realized she had to pinch her nostrils shut with her fingers, as the putrid smell in the room had already begun circulating for some time, and it was making her gag.
"DAD! THIS IS THE WORST SCHEME YOU'VE EVER PULLED!"
"It's not my fault!" he tried to explain. "Perry the Platypus was here, and he started throwing babies at me! BABIES!"
"I'm sick and tired of this!" Vanessa shouted. "I'm going home!"
Vanessa exited the shop, slamming the door behind her.
"She's never been this mad at me before! CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! YOU'VE REACHED AN ALL-TIME LOW!"
The second the door was slammed shut, Vanessa ignored the shouts of her dad cursing his arch-enemy and reached for her cell phone. It didn't take long for to input her mom's number by finger.
"Vanessa?" the teen heard her mom's voice on the other end.
"Mom, Mom, you've got to come quick!"
Her mom groaned. "What is this time, honey?"
"It's Dad! He's done something really evil this time, and I can't take it anymore! I wanna come home!"
"Vanessa, dear. Do you know how stressful it is for me to deal with this every day? I have things to do too, you... wait! What did you say?"
"I wanna come home! I don't want to deal with this anymore!"
"What are you talking about?"
As Vanessa tried to express over the phone how visibly distraught she was, on the opposite side of the street, an unattended baby carriage was barreling down the sidewalk. A few seconds later, it was followed by a heavy-set woman wearing a red sundress with a daisy pattern on it, screaming in anguish.
"MY BABY! SOMEBODY SAVE MY BABY!"
Those cries for help got Vanessa's attention, as she spotted the runaway carriage, about to disappear from sight as it barreled down the steep hill on the other side, towards one of downtown's most busiest intersections. Without even thinking, she hung up on her mother and started running after the carriage.
Or, rather, towards a young boy sitting on the sidewalk, enjoying a cone of pistachio ice cream, while his skateboard and helmet lied next to him. Vanessa quickly raced by him, picking up both the board and the helmet without stopping.
"Be right back!" she yelled without looking back.
Vanessa hopped on the board and made her way down the hill, while simultaneously snapping the helmet on even though it was too small for her head. As she hurriedly got her bearings, her eyes quickly darted to the opposite side of the street to see where the carriage was. Seeing it increase in speed as it got closer to the intersection, Vanessa knew she only had a few seconds to save the child.
She ollied off of the sidewalk, darting into a narrow space between two parked vehicles, and crossed the street, even while still pointing the front of her board downhill. She did another ollie to jump onto the sidewalk on that side of the street, then turned her body and the board to the right until she was careening straight down the center. Vanessa leaned forward, picking up speed as she closed in on the carriage.
But then something unexpected happened.
Just as the carriage was about to reach the crosswalk, which at that moment was filled with cars coming from both the left and the right, the carriage's lone passenger was launched from his ride, becoming airborne. Seeing the child take flight, Vanessa leaped up off of her board, using her back foot to push off.
Vanessa reached forward to try and grab the infant, as she heard the sound of cars below her braking hard to avoid the carriage, which was tipping over on its side in its attempt to transfer from the concrete sidewalk to the asphalt street. Vanessa managed to pluck the baby out of mid-air, just as her body was beginning to flip head-over-heels. Gravity took over, and pulled her downward.
She ended up landing on a loosely fastened hood of a stopped car. So loose, in fact, that the hood popped up on impact, launching Vanessa and the baby back into the air, and the strap on her helmet broke as well. The three became separated, with both the child and the helmet being tossed up higher than Vanessa herself. The launch propelled the teen into a mid-air cartwheel. She went with it, letting her momentum bring her back down to Earth.
Vanessa's right foot hit the sidewalk pavement first, immediately followed by her left. Upon impact, Vanessa dug her left heel in and used it as a pivot to bring her right leg 90 degrees around. With her body and her right leg almost perfectly parallel to the ground, she reached out in front of her body, where her hands a split second later caught her helmet. The airborne infant followed in quicker than the blink of the eye, as he landed butt-first in the inside of the helmet. But despite the added weight, Vanessa kept her balance and managed to keep a hold of them both without much strain.
All in all, nobody was injured, and other than the carriage, which now lied in the middle of the street and partially under the wheel of one of the halted cars in the intersection, there was no significant damage or destruction.
Vanessa breathed a sigh of relief as she brought her raised leg down and stood up straight.
"You're safe now, little tyke," Vanessa said with a smile.
The baby boy giggled in response, oblivious to what had just happened.
It took some time for the police to get on the scene and get statements for everyone involved in the incident. Vanessa and the infant's mother were the last to be interviewed, and they were wrapping up just as Vanessa's own mother had weaved her way to the scene on foot, after traffic had been blocked off approaching the intersection in all directions.
"Vanessa, honey!" her mom called out. "Are you alright?"
She grabbed Vanessa and wrapped her arms around her only child.
"Mom, you're embarrassing me!"
"I was worried about you," she said. "I heard about the accident on the radio, and I was afraid you might've been hurt."
"Anything but," one of the officers spoke up. "Your daughter's a hero! She saved this child's life today!"
He pointed to the rescued baby, who was being cuddled by his mother.
"You did this?"
"It was nothing," Vanessa said, trying to assure her it was no problem. "I'm me! It was a piece of cake."
As Vanessa continued to receive accolades from everyone from her mom to witnesses of the incident, little did she know that she was also being watched by someone from afar. From someone who had watched the entire incident...
From a camera... embedded in the right eye of the rescued infant.
"All of our research didn't do this girl justice. She's phenomenal!"
A bald man in his 50s, wearing a navy blue military-like uniform, had watched the whole scene unfold from behind his desk, observing it all on the big-screen TV in front of him. He had a manila folder open on top of the desk, and a bunch of papers were in it. On top was a file that was titled 'Vanessa Doofenshmirtz,' and along with all of her vital stats and information on her, two photos of her were clipped to it. A profile shot of just her head, and a full-body shot of her, obtained on-file from the company that took her school's yearbook photos.
"Sure, her father's ambiguously evil, but whose isn't these days? We MUST find a way to get her to work for us! Someone like her would do well to help shift the world's balance back in favor of good!"
A subordinate that happened to be in the room nodded, then walked off to make it happen. The old man then turned his attention back to the video, as reporters were finally arriving on the scene and Vanessa now found herself about to be subjected to another round of questioning.
("Little did I know that saving that kid that day was the final test. By saving him, my life was about to be changed... forever.")
Several hours later, long after dusk, Vanessa finally stumbled into her bedroom at her mother's house, clearly exhausted. She didn't even bother to slip out of her high-heeled black boots, as she made her way over to her bed and willingly let her body fall into it.
Vanessa lied there, face-down, for several minutes. Her eyes began to close by themselves, begging her to call it a day. And she let them win, as she felt her body wanting to bury itself underneath the covers that lied beneath it.
Their wishes were dashed when Vanessa felt her cell phone vibrating. Maybe it was screaming for help, given it was being crushed between the right side of Vanessa's stomach and the bed springs. Vanessa turned over so she was looking up at the ceiling, and pulled her phone out of her jacket pocket. She audibly groaned when she found out why it was buzzing with anguish.
63 unread messages.
"Ugh! This bites! Everyone I know has probably called or texted me since I saved that kid! And probably a few people I don't know, too."
Suddenly, Vanessa heard a loud bang coming from outside the house that immediately made her sit up in bed. She dropped her phone on the bed and raced out of the room.
Armed with a flashlight and a frying pan, Vanessa stepped outside, closing the front door behind her. She switched the flashlight on, then started walking down the long, winding path sloping down towards the driveway.
She got no response, save for the sound of a lone cricket chirping. She continued on anyway, eventually reaching the cobblestone driveway. There, standing at the end, was their blue recycling receptacle. And it was open, the top having been left off. Vanessa walked over to take a look inside. But a quick search, illuminated by her flashlight, showed that it was completely empty.
She started to head back to the walkway, when her brain told her to not give up so easily.
Vanessa decided to keep looking around the yard, just to make sure. She started by walking up the driveway, shining her flashlight ahead of her.
About halfway up, the right heel of her boot suddenly sunk five inches into the ground. That made Vanessa pause. She shined the flashlight down to her heel, and saw there was a small stone there that had been pushed into the ground when she walked on it.
Vanessa then heard the sound of a combination of rock, dirt, and grass being shifted out of place. She glanced to her left and her mouth hung wide open as a secret passage revealed itself.
She walked over to it and aimed her flashlight into the passage. What she found was a staircase leading downward.
"I've lived here my entire life and never knew this was here!"
And yet, Vanessa started descending inwards, her curiosity getting the best of her. Once she was a couple dozen steps down, the rock-dirt door rose back up, sealing the passage up behind her.
With no way to turn back, Vanessa made her way down the stairs, which she literally counted to have 99 steps. And waiting for her at the bottom was a solid, metal door. A door that didn't have a knob, or latch, or any other similar device to open it with.
That is, until she shined her flashlight slightly to the left, and saw a numeric keypad with an entry display. She stepped over to it and examined it thoroughly.
"Okay... now what?"
Vanessa froze, and her eyes darted around, trying to figure out where the voice had come from it. As if to give her a hint, the voice spoke up again.
"I said, greetings!"
That time, Vanessa's gaze shot up the wall, above the keypad, and she saw a speaker embedded in the rock there.
"Ah, yes. I see you've arrived, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz!"
Vanessa wasn't pleased that this voice knew whom she was.
"Alright, you. I don't know who you are, or how you built a secret passage under my house without anyone in my family knowing, but I better get some answers, and fast!"
"Ah, spunk!" the voice said in response. "I remember the days in which I could yield that as a weapon against evildoers!"
"Do you think I'm kidding? You better come out here, right now!"
"Hmmm... intriguing. But I have a better idea. Why don't you come in here and find me yourself?"
"The passcode is 4-9-8-2, then press 'enter.'"
Part of Vanessa thought this was a trap. But again, the part of her brain that produced curiosity seemed to be winning out over the calls for caution. She walked over to the keypad and slowly put in the code, in the exact order as instructed. She then hesitated before finally pressing the 'enter' button.
Perhaps she should've hesitated a little longer.
A hole in the floor opened up beneath Vanessa, and she fell in. In fact, the drop was so unexpected, she released her grip on both the flashlight and the frying pan, and neither made it in behind her.
Vanessa found herself sliding, butt-first, down a plastic tube. The first few seconds, she was falling in darkness, but that changed when the tube changed from plastic to metallic, and interconnected tubes of florescent light bulbs lined the passage on both sides.
Vanessa felt herself being thrown side-to-side, tossed upside down, and spun around in circles for what probably felt like hours. But it finally ended after an actual elapsed time just north of two minutes, when she landed hard on a padded gray swivel chair.
After the hard landing, Vanessa opened her eyes and found herself sitting in a sterile office of some sort. Right behind her was a huge big-screen TV, though it was shut off at the moment. To her right was a bookshelf filled with what had to be hundreds and hundreds of books. In front of her was a gigantic desk, which was neatly organized and had a couple of containers on it that held sharpened pencils and ballpoint pens, an in-out file tray, and two manila folders lying in the center. And to her left...
Was a young woman who was supposed to land in the other swivel chair, but it was not in the right place, and her butt instead hit the hard, ceramic tiled floor instead.
"Owwww! That hurt!"
Vanessa ignored her and got out of her chair.
"What is this?" she shouted. "I demand you come out here this instant!"
"Why should I have to come out?" she and the other girl heard in response.
The other girl got up from the floor, rubbing her aching butt cheeks.
"Especially when I'm right here."
The swivel chair sitting on the other side of the large desk turned around, and the duo was finally going to be able to have a face to go with that ominous, yet cordial voice. It turned the out that the guy that had brought them there was fairly old, probably in his mid-50s, and he had a military background, given his clothes.
"Good evening, ladies," he greeted them. "My name is Jimmy Stuart. And, as of this moment... the two of you... now work for ME!"
To be continued...
Yep... first chapter ends in a cliffhanger. It's a two-part 'origin' story anyways. As you might've guessed, the other girl there is Carly, who was introduced in the prologue... and Vanessa officially meets her and her possibly-future boss next time. And then you'll see how the girls' first assignment together went wrong. Lots of action involved.
Vanessa's baby-saving escapade was harder to write than I thought it would be. I mean, you see all of those action sequences in your favorite drama movies or TV shows and think, 'hey, writing those must be a piece of cake!' No, it's not. Especially someone like me, who finds writing descriptive sequences like that hard. And this is a fanfic, not a movie or a TV show, so I have to try to over-explain it to make sure you get what's going on. Still, for what it's worth, I think it turned out well enough.
New chapters once a week is what I'm shooting for here. Review if you liked it!