Disclaimer: I don't own anything. ANYTHING!

It unnerved Seras that Sir Integra wasn't listening to a word she was saying.

Usually Integra sat in her chair for summaries, her ice blue eyes staring right through Seras into her soul. It made her stammer, and then Integra would command her to speak clearly. Seras might've been faster, stronger, and more durable than the human…but she still managed to make her feel like a child.

All of Seras's pep talk and deep breathing exercises were wasted. Sir Integra stood by the window, gazing out with her hands clasped behind her back. Seras shifted, not bothering her as a slow smile crept up her face.

Seconds later, Alucard morphed into the room, coming up beside Integra.

"…he's gone?"

"Yes."

"You want to do it?"

"Of course, but Seras is right behind us," Seras gave a small nervous smile.

Alucard hmphed, grabbing her wrist.

"You can talk to her later. I want you now," he said firmly, the two of them disappearing into a portal he created.

Seras blinked, not entirely sure what just happened.

"…I'll just type up the report and leave it on your desk," she mumbled.

III

"…and then he just took her through the portal like it was an emergency!" Seras finished, uncrossing and then recrossing her legs.

Pip sat across from her, gnawing on a bit of beef jerky as he leaned back in his chair. Seras didn't like to go to the rec room/cafeteria/lounge/hall; it reeked of smoke and alcohol, offending her sensitive nostrils. The Wild Geese ruled this roost, though a couple of other Hellsing soldiers usually took a corner and relaxed. Pip actually looked pretty shocked at the scene, and a little horror-stricken. He wordlessly pulled a cigarette out of a pack and set it between his lips.

"What?" She exclaimed. He just gave her a look, lighting the cigarette.

He took a long drag before speaking.

"Well, I zink zey both need it," Seras furrowed her eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" Pip shook his head.

"…you are too much of a virgin sometimes." He leaned closer to her, "What do you suppose "do it" means?" Seras blinked.

"It was pretty vague what they meant…" Pip gave a small chuckle, grinning deviously.

" "Do it" iz just a more subliminal way of sayin' zey are fucking like rabbits."

The entire building went quiet, the soldiers going still. Seras's eyes widened.

"How could you say such a thing, Pip? Everyone knows Sir Integra's a virgin!"

"So she says," he mumbled, taking another drag and smirking, "I cannot say zat I am surprised. Zat whole "master/servant" talk iz a little suspicious, no?"

"No! That's just…vampire talk or something! He's been bound to the family for generations!"

"Zink about 'ow zey met. He was chained-"

"He was in a straight jacket!"

"In ze basement, for twenty years or so. Along comes little Teggie, in a skirt, bringing a buffet. Somezing got 'im to call 'er "master"…"

"You're disgusting! Master's a lot of things but he's not a… Well, you know. And even if a relationship did occur when she was older, it's just gross!" Pip looked offended.

"Well, if it wazn't for necrophilia, vampires would never get laid," he reasoned.

Seras rubbed at her eyes. She must've dozed off… She blinked, realizing that Master hadn't been down in the basement all evening. Well, maybe Sir Integra had an order for him. She yawned, about to curl back up and try to fall asleep again.

Creak, creak, creak. Seras's eyes opened wide. The sound was coming from upstairs, in a room not too far away above hers. It sounded like…bedsprings. Seras's jaw dropped and she cringed. Either someone was having really bad nightmares or… She whimpered, clawing at her forehead as if that would erase the mental images beginning to emerge.

Pip was woken up at 3:30 in the morning by something cold brushing his neck. He opened his eye and smirked, wrapping an arm around it.

"What do I owe zis pleasure to?" He purred. Seras gave a small whimper.

"…twenty-two. Twenty-two times that I counted," she choked. Pip blinked, and then a hopeful gleam came into his eye.

"You could 'ear zem?"

"Yes, the animals!" Pip pursed his lips.

"…zat's some stamina, unless she passed out…"

"Ew, Pi-ip!"

"What?"

Seras sighed, cuddling further into him. He gave a crooked grin, snuggling back. This was almost first base to the police girl…maybe she'd let him kiss her…

Pip pried himself later that morning from Seras's vice-like grip, tending to the bruises and careful not to let any light in as he left for work. Usually there would be a communal meal available in the kitchen, one of the few times they went in the mansion. He was dishing himself up some hash browns when he caught sight of a long haired blonde. He wasn't aware anyone was growing their hair ou-

…wait a minute. That was Sir Integra. Out of the office. In the kitchen. Getting her own food. Was someone dead…?

"Good morning, director," Pip said, tipping his hat to her. She gave a soft smirk-smile back.

"Morning, Mr. Vernedette," she said, going back to serving herself. Pip stood there and just watched her. She continued on her way, turning to leave when she caught him. Pip's first instinct was to duck for cover but a playful smirk came across her lips, "What, you didn't think I could do things for myself?"

"Nono, of course not! I just, I just assumed you were too busy…"

"I am, but Walter's gone for the week," she explained. So that was what was up with the eager beavers… Apparently even Sir Integra wasn't immune to the "while the cat's away" idiom.

He watched her leave the kitchen thoughtfully. Either she was a morning person or, as he had suspected from the moment he laid eyes on her pants suit, she needed to get laid. Hell, if this mercenary thing didn't work out, he'd be an awesome sex therapist.

Seras was less thrilled with the suddenly outgoing relationship. No fledgling wanted to think of her master as a nymphomaniac, especially considering how similar the master-servant bond with Integra was. This was so unlike Sir Integra… She was jerked suddenly from her thoughts as Alucard passed by her. She blinked and spun around, watching him rip off the top of his blood packet and sip. He turned around slowly, staring at her as the packet drained gradually.

"…what?" He finally asked. Seras fidgeted, not sure if she should use that word; he might be offended.

"You…seem…hhhhhappy," she said, wincing back. Alucard smirked.

"I usually am."

"No…usually you're morbid. This seems…well, not innocent, but considerably a lot less malicious…or dangerous."

"So you think," he said. Seras cringed, wanting to throw up. Too much information… Alucard finished his snack thoughtfully, tossing the plastic on the ground, "...I'd invite you, but I'd fear for Integra's safety. Two vampires might make things a little rough-"

"LALALALALALA!" Seras screeched, covering her ears and shutting her eyes as she ran for her room. Alucard stared after her, curious as to what would make her react so strongly. He was a happy person, really…he just found joy in murder and blood.

III

"You were invited to a t'reesome and didn't go?" Pip acted as though she had just burned a billion pounds. Seras peered up at him, taking refuge at his side again that night.

"He didn't technically-"

"'e did too!" Pip looked about ready to cry, looking like the only child in the class not invited to a party. Seras nuzzled closer.

"It's been slowing down…only eighteen times tonight."

"Time is ticking," he growled, frowning.

Pip was sure to make it to the mansion at the same exact time as yesterday. As he figured, Integra was a creature of habit, and was setting a fist-sized grapefruit onto her plate and walking towards the dining room.

"Do you mind if I join you?" He asked.

"Not at all," she responded.

Pip came in with some cereal and a grapefruit, taking a nervous seat beside Sir Integra. She sat at the head, staring out at the sunny day that was just beginning. Without even looking, she sliced the grapefruit in two, laying both halves down carefully.

"So…you like grapefruit?" Pip asked, arching an eyebrow. Integra nodded, picking up her spoon.

"I love it."

"I bet you do…" He cooed, grinning as he sliced his own grapefruit open, "'ow often do you 'ave grapefruit?"

"Not very often; it's a rare treat nowadays," she sighed, taking a bite and savoring it to make her point, "Walter says it'll rot my enamel." Pip's face twisted in disgust.

"No one wants zeir enamel rotted out… I don't zink zat's even a side effect."

"Actually it is. Scientific fact," she scraped at the inner edges. Hopefully Seras's "enamel" wouldn't rot if he did her too many times… He took a few bites before continuing his private investigation.

"When was ze first time you 'ad grapefruit?" Integra pursed her lips thoughtfully, taking a sip of water.

"Eight, I think," Pip choked on his bite. She glanced at him questioningly.

"…isn't eight a little young?"

"Grapefruit doesn't have an age restriction on it," she chuckled. Tell that to the government, Pip thought wryly, "Sure the first couple of times I thought it was horrible, but I eventually got used to the taste and started to enjoy it."

"Who did you 'ave it with?"

"My father. Every Sunday before church. Sometimes Walter would join in." Pip's jaw dropped as he was rendered speechless. Integra…her father…Walter? Sure they were a little close as an employer and employee, but that close? No wonder she was so messed up…

"And lately you've been 'aving grapefruit with Alucard!" He exclaimed. She glanced casually at him.

"Of course it's a bit unnatural for him, and he hates it, but a couple of orders and he'll swallow."

"YOU'RE FORCING ALUCARD TO 'AVE GRAPEFRUIT WITH YOU?"

"…yes," she shrugged, "Sure it's a bit cruel, but it's not too bad of torture, and it's not like I make him finish. It's how I get my shits and giggles," she smirked.

Pip glanced down at his food. His stomach churned and he pushed it away.

"I don't want grapefruit anymore. My spoon is in 'iding because of you," he stood up and walked out of the dining room.

Integra blinked, not positive they had been entirely discussing grapefruit.

"SHE BLOODY RAPES 'IM, ZE POOR BLOKE!" Pip screeched when he met up with Seras later that night in the rec room/cafeteria/lounge/hall. Seras tilted her head.

"Who?"

"Sir Integra! Sir Integra is raping Alucard!" Seras blinked.

"How…?"

"With 'er words," she shook her head.

"Pip, I think you misunderstood. This is a Hellsing you're talking about, and Integra at that! She'd never-"

"Whatever. All I know is zat I don't want to be next."

"…but you can't rape the willing. You were the one who wanted to join-"

"It's ze principle of ze matter."

The Wild Geese whispered amongst themselves and the other soldiers overheard. Rape or no rape the "virgin" leader was sleeping with the enemy. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to bring up expanding their benefits…especially medical.

The next night, Pip and Seras nervously climbed up the stairs and towards Sir Integra's office. Neither of them wanted to go alone; who knew what they'd find.

"You knock."

"No you knock."

"No you knock."

"No you knock."

"No you knock."

There was a rattle coming from the hallway. Both of them jumped, but it was only Alucard. He stopped in front of them, continuing to shake the can of whipped cream in his hand.

"You'll have to wait your turn," he warned, opening the door and walking in. Pip and Seras froze, stunned at the casual tone. They pressed their ears closer, but didn't look in.

"Took you long enough."

"Walter destroyed the secret stash. I had to terrorize a mini-mart."

"Good boy. Open it."

"No, you open up first."

"Fine."

There was a crack as the seal and lid were broken off, Alucard giving the can a couple more shakes.

"Wider…wider…come on, I want to see down your throat. This is going to be a huge shot, all creamy and foamy…" Like a moth drawn to a perverted flame, Pip peeked in the doorway.

In time to watch Alucard shoot whipped cream into Integra's gaping mouth. He expertly made a spiraling mountain of cream in her orifice, which she eagerly ate up.

"Don't have it drip out the sides…"

"I don't see you catching every drop out of a gushing jugular," she grumbled once her maw was clear, licking off the remnants. Pip stepped away, motioning to Seras to follow.

"Zat is ze most boring foreplay I've ever seen…"

Even with his new information, Pip wasn't deterred from his threesome dream. The fourth night of Walter's absence he started up the stairs alone, his heart pounding as he approached Sir Integra's bedroom. Many men had seen her go in and out…but no one had dared venture into the lair of the she-beast. He had just gotten the courage to knock when he heard something coming down the hallway. He followed, a smirk on his face. Moving the scene of the crime away from the suspected area…clever.

He could hear the bed groaning every time they came down, grunting and panting in concentration (or joy, he supposed as he considered them). He pressed his ear against the door.

"Harder," Integra growled.

"…you sure?"

"Yes! Harder!" She commanded.

The bed practically screamed as he did as she demanded, sounding like he was pounding a punching bag off its hinges. Integra gave a strangled noise that sounded like pleasure as Alucard sounded like he was really getting into it. Suddenly there was a snap and crashing, then a crack with a dull thud. Then, silence.

"…Mercenary, come in here. I need your fingerprints," he murmured.

More out of fear and morbid curiosity than sense, Pip opened the door. The bed had caved in, the frame snapped in half. Alucard stood over a partially curled up Integra as a trickle of blood leaked from her head.

"YOU KILLED HER!"

"I did not!" He insisted, brushing some plaster off of himself, "She's just knocked out."

"YOU GAVE 'ER A CONCUSSION!"

"She said harder!"

"IT'S TREASON!"

"SHE SAID HARDER!" His voice climbed into the female vocal range.

Integra stirred, rolling onto her back and clutching her head.

"What the hell…?"

"You hit your head," Alucard informed her. She glanced upwards.

"…on the ceiling?"

"On the ceiling."

Pip glanced up. Indeed, there was a huge dent in the ceiling right above the bed, in the shape of Integra's head and slightly cracked. Integra moaned as she spotted the bed.

"We'll have to replace that ASAP...the rest of the damage will have to simply be covered up. We have no time to have it fixed."

"Yes master."

Integra glanced at Pip…and blushed scarlet.

"Tell no one of what you saw, Mr. Vernedette," she demanded. He tipped his head and then took his leave.

Strangely and thankfully, both of them had at least a shirt and pants on. He supposed to each their own…but now he was positive he wasn't getting in the middle of anything. Ever.

The bed was replaced within the day and, after Integra's headache subsided, the creaking of bedsprings were heard once again. What a trooper…or pervert, depending on who you asked. The Wild Geese started to make a habit of wandering around upstairs whenever Pip gave the signal according to Seras. They hurried back down the stairs whenever the noises stopped. Integra at least seemed unaware, and Alucard didn't seem to care. Or maybe it was his show-off side coming out.

No one paid attention to the time or day as the Wild Geese and Seras pecked around the floor, their ears perked towards the guest room. It must've been a strong urge; shoes, socks, ties, and coats showed a distinct trail from Integra's office to the room. They ignored the footsteps coming up the stairs, figuring it was a member late to the party.

"What is the meaning of this?"

Everyone turned around, spotting Walter as his eyes followed the clothes path. They glanced amongst themselves, not sure how to tell him what had been happening in his absence. He made his way down the hallway and towards the door. Many of them opened their mouths to warn him, but nothing came out.

He opened the door…and his eyes widened.

"Sir…Integral…Fairbrook…Wingates…Hellsing."

Alucard and Integra were left exposed with the wide open doorway. Their carefree jumping up and down slowed, and stopped as Sir Integra gazed at Walter with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Alucard took a couple of steps back.

"What have I told you about jumping on the bed?" Walter asked, slowly and coldly. Integra's cheeks blazed.

"I'm twenty three years old. I can jump on the beds if I want to!" She huffed.

"You'll hit your head on the ceiling or break the bed or something! And with Alucard…"

"She made me," Alucard quickly defended. Integra glared at him before turning back to Walter.

"I'm not a little girl anymore. I can take my health into my own hands." She stepped down off the bed, walking out. She blinked, glancing around at all of the spectators.

"What is this?" She asked. Everyone looked at Pip, who was still a little shell-shocked.

"Zat's it? You two 'ave just been jumping on ze bed?" He asked blankly.

"Yes…" Integra drew out the word, arching an eyebrow questioningly.

Alucard giggled.

The gears whirled behind Integra's eyes…then slowly clicked into place.

"You thought I was shagging Alucard." Pip glanced down, shoving his hands into his pockets. The only sound was Alucard trying to contain his laughter.

"…ten…nine…eight…" Integra murmured, going back into the room.

She came out with a small handgun.

"Seven…" She checked the ammo, "Six…" She took off the safety, "Five…"

Pip finally understood the head start and ran for his life.

"Fourthreetwoone!"

End

Five percent of readers will not understand the grapefruit scene because their minds are too innocent. Actually, that five percent will either not understand this story or hate the sexual references. Hurray for the majority; a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.