Disclaimer: I don't own any of them…sigh…

Summary: This oneshot is based after "Loss" but before "Ghost" so basically it's Alex when she was Emily.


I'm so lost… so alone…

I don't know who I am anymore.

Emily is surrounded by people.

She has colleagues, friends, a boyfriend…

But none of it's real.

It's all a lie.

Emily's whole life is a lie, a lie built on nothing but death, tears and goodbyes…

Of course Emily would never reveal any of this.

That's what makes this so false.

Really Emily doesn't exist at all.

I exist…

Or at least I did until I was "murdered".

I had everything Emily has only more and I wouldn't have traded it for a second.

Only I did…

I let it get too far.

I put everything I'd ever had on the line and I lost it all.

I was Alex Cabot.

I had colleagues, friends and a beautiful girlfriend.

I lost it all because I couldn't put down my pride.

Olivia always said that I was doing it to make a difference.

This is only half true…

Really Alex Cabot can't handle losing.

That's why I can't handle this…

I lost everything I ever had for this!

This…this lie!

Emily rolls out of bed in the morning and go's to work in an accounting firm.

I got up at 6am and headed to the court every morning.

Emily has a boyfriend that grunts her name when they have sex.

I had a girlfriend that whispered my name as we held each other close in the night.

Emily is just another clone living out her life as normally as possible.

I scream to get out of her, to be my own true self, to be that one in a million Olivia always told me I was…

But Alex Cabot doesn't exist anymore.

I am Emily.