A/N Okay so thanks for giving this a chance and I hope everyone likes it. I'm doing a series of one-shots that aren't really a series but they are related to each other. I'm doing one one-shot about each mood and what might happen if the Doctor took the moods (from New Earth in Gridlock). So here is the first one, they'll all be in the same story so if you like this one review and alert it so you can read the next one... not sure when I'll do the others or how fast this will be updated.
Summary: The Doctor is in severe emotional pain and for once can't be strong. He wants to get away from the world and uses Sleep to do it. Set in the bit when the Doctor leaves Martha in her bedroom, before he comes back to do the whole thing with Lazarus.
Disclaimer: I own no rights to Doctor Who or any of its relevant spin offs.
He was alone now, and alone was when he thought of it.
He had dropped Martha off, not giving her any indication or hope for his return, though Lazarus' words spiralled persistently at the forefront of his mind, nagging and eating away at his subconscious.
But at that moment he had neither the stability, nor the state of mind to listen to that part of himself.
His thoughts were chaotic as he crossed the console room of the TARDIS and laid a hesitant hand atop a small compartment none of his companions had ever noticed, nothing more than a flat, black box that was akin to one humans might expect to hold matches.
Within lay a tiny, completely unthreatening square of adhesive plastic, a single word inked in black writing that only added to the ominous nature the word itself presented when ones thoughts strayed down such a dangerous path.
His fingers trembled as he reached for it, remembering in a flash the look on the woman's face as he had asked for such a potent concoction, one that bordered on lethal.
He gently unstuck it from the bottom of its month long case, considering the consequences one last time.
The Time Lord's shoulders slumped and his whole being was almost sent careening onto the grating beneath his feet as all his repressed memories swam painfully through his head.
Old, beautiful Gallifrey shone in the rays of her two suns and the silver of the trees leaves glittered like sentient liquid as the children ran beneath it, immature joy not yet tainted by the teachings of the academy or the sight of the untempered schism.
Suddenly fire and terrifying bolts of blue energy rained through the orange sky and polluted the happy day. The glistening silver was obstructed by vicious, ugly flames and smoke as he heard, with poignant clarity, the shrill screams of those barely out of infancy crying as their lives, and those of their families, were stolen by the Daleks ruthlessness as they swarmed the sky.
He remembered the sight of the once perfect planet burning in fury and blood and war and his hearts stuttered as he recalled the very moment he made the choice that would mean the extinction of his own race and home.
Next came Canary Wharf. Flashes of blonde hair and blue eyes, a sweet voice screaming his name as he reached out to the only human he'd ever let so deep into his hearts as she slipped out of his life forever.
As the memory of recognition of the Daleks in Manhattan flashed behind his eyes he was sent to his knees and as the same severe pain he had felt when he realised they had survived while he had lost everything once again spiked in the centre of his chest his right hand raised up and pressed the square onto his neck with urgency, wishing with all his infuriated might and hopeless being that he would not wake up as his body went lax and crashed to the floor.
The TARDIS was silent, naught but a distant hum of mourning escaping the ships interior for her Doctors broken hearts.
It stayed that way for months as she wondered alone in the Time Vortex while he slept with only a single heart beating its unprotesting rhythm while the owner struggled against the patches effect as it diminished, not having escaped the world long enough and wanting nothing more than to stay blissfully oblivious to the world around him that had left him unknown, unwanted and unloved.
Finally, after what seemed to the old girl like a decade of solitude the Doctor opened his deep brown eyes to slits, looking out through heavy lids to discover himself in the same position he had unknowingly dropped into those months ago, his wish of being sent to oblivion having been ignored and forgotten.
He sat up and watched in utter disappointment as the plastic square peeled from his skin and dropped pathetically into his palm, its purpose gone, faded ink the only sign that all the chemicals inside had been exuded and absorbed into his system, not even a fraction of a drop left.
And as he realised that chemicals would always falter and fade, that he would always be needed by the selfishly helpless universe and that he would never escape the pain that constantly and never endingly plagued him, he cried.
A/N Kay so yes? No? Sorry it was so short. Should I do the other ones? Please PLEASE review, I haven't been getting many reviews lately and it's making me sad :( Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. The next one will probably be either forget or honesty and Martha will be in it.