disclaimer: I do not own hetalia, but hetalia probably owns me, my soul, and my first born

this was supposed to be a one shot. I tried condensing it into a one shot. It would not agree with me. this is no longer a one shot.

Alright so this is for CaCoPhOnY Of ScReAmS (SORRY IT TOOK FOREVER) Who said in most fics, Gilbert's always crashing at Matthew's, so for a change, Matthew should go chill with Gilbert. Which is so, so true, and I've always wanted to make a story in this format so that was like..perfect prompt. So like always, I got carried away /shot

to anyone who reads any of my other shit, yes, I will write a serious fanfic for once. It's just not going to be this one ;p this one's probably going to end up a bit (really) crack-y

this is going to be a mix of e-mails, facebook (hetabook ololol) text messages, post-cards, actual story, who the fuck knows

warnings: Human and country names both used, eventual PruCan, and the regulars that probably will never stop cropping up in my story; crack, substance use and abuse, and a whole lot of bad language

REVIEWS ARE SUPER DUPER LOVED


Arrival


From: Alfred F. Jones

To: Matthew Williams

Subject: Meeting

I got a totally awesome plan for that comet that may or may not be heading towards our Earth in a hundred years or so, and I was wondering if you would like to meet up and I could run it over with you before I show it to my boss. He always asks me to check my plans with you for some reason before telling him for some reason. Something about the "value of my time" or something. So whenever you're free, I'd like to arrange a meeting and tell you my plan. It's got robots :)

- Alfred F. Jones, United States of America


From: Matthew Williams

To: Alfred F. Jones

Subject: RE: Meeting

This is an automated message.

Hi! If you're getting this message, I'm currently out of office and am unable to respond to my e-mail. You can either contact my through my personal e-mail, or my cell phone at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

-Matthew Williams, Canada


From: Alpha Dawg

To: Matt W.

Subject: no subject

duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude where are you? your email says your out of office and kumajirou came knocking at my door yesterday (how the fuck did he travel across from Ottawa?) and said you were gone somewhere and that I had to take care of him for the next two weeks.

-Alfrizzle J-shizzle


Matthew sighed, checking the time on his watch again. His phone had died, and he hadn't been able to send or receive messages or calls. He had tried using a pay phone, but he had only Gilbert's cell number memorized, and his friend didn't seem to be picking up the phone.

He had been waiting near the baggage claim area, where he was supposed to be picked up by Ludwig and Gilbert. He had been waiting for almost 2 hours, and was sure that the duffel bag he had been sitting on would have a permanent imprint of his ass. He considered calling a cab to their place, but decided against it, just in case they did show up.

Which, hopefully they did.

I hope they haven't forgotten me, Matthew thought sourly, as he fiddled with the drawstrings on his maple leaf hoodie again. Or the fact that I was coming.

He wouldn't be surprised at the latter, since this whole trip had been so last-minute. Three days ago, on his birthday, he had received two tickets and a letter in the mail from Gilbert, asking him to come stay with him and his brother.

Matthew normally didn't like doing things on such short notice, travelling across the world included, but Gilbert had insisted on him coming over, saying it would be a good way to pay Matthew back for all the times he crashed at his house. Matthew vaguely thought that it was because he had jokingly said that Gilbert would have to start paying rent since he was practically living with him now.

After clearing his schedule with his boss, which had been quite a bitch unto itself due to the amount of work he always had, he found himself packing up and heading to the airport.

A few hours of a noisy flight, a stop over in Amsterdam, and another few hours of flight, and no sleep whatsoever, had left Matthew with a splitting headache.

It didn't help that Ludwig and Gilbert were still not here. He wallowed in his misery as people ghosted by him, none of them the people he was looking for.

It was when he was wondering if he had enough money to get piss drunk at a nearby bar or pub or something, he heard a voice, loud, cheerful, and unmistakably...Italian?

"America! America! Look over there, Ludwig!"

"Not so loud in public!"

"Ame-What the fuck? Oh wait, Matt!"

He stood up, hearing his bones creak from stiffness as he did, and saw a cheerful brunette and a hyper-active albino charging towards him, dragging an exasperated blond behind them.

"Matthew!" Gilbert yelled, semi-tackling him into a bear hug. Matthew choked for air as his best friend lifted him off the floor and spun him around. "I'm so glad you came!"

"Gilbert! I'm not a girl! Put me down!" Matthew sputtered, struggling out of the death grip. Gilbert finally dropped him down, but still kept an arm around his shoulders. Ludwig coughed from behind, clearly looking embarrassed. Feliciano, on the other hand, looked completely confused.

"I thought America...Alfred...ve, I don't get this."

"Um...Matthew Williams." Matthew said, pushing his glasses back up his nose. Feliciano looked like he was drawing a blank, so Matthew continued on. "Canada?"

Seeing Feliciano still confused (and was that Ludwig muttering Oh, so that's not America? to Gilbert?), Matthew pinched the bridge of his nose. He put on his best fake smile, because rules dictated that he couldn't be anything other than polite, not at first anyways.

Hopefully, this forgetfulness wouldn't last through the whole 'vacation' that he was taking, because it wouldn't be very good if his host forgot who he was.

"So, um, are we going directly to your home?" He asked, looking to Gilbert.

Ludwig's eyes slightly widened, and he turned to Gilbert and whispered something in German, to which Gilbert rolled his eyes and replied in English, much to his brother's embarrassment.

"What the fuck do you mean, is he actually staying at our place, I told you that he was this morning!"

The fake smile Matthew had was really killing his face.


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: RE:no subject

Sorry Al, my phone died and I haven't had the chance to charge it yet. I just got off my flight today. I'm on vacation and I'm currently in Berlin, Germany and I'm staying with Gilbert and his brother at their house. I'm staying here for two weeks, and then I'll be back in Ottawa on the first Monday of next month. If you want to call me, call me on my cell because we're going to be out and about a lot. But if you absolutely can't reach me call their house. I think Berlin's around 6 hours ahead of Washington DC though, so look at the time before you call. I don't want you calling in the middle of night and disturb the sleeping house.

Sorry about Kumajirou, I told him where I kept all his food, but I guess he just forgot. Feed him maple-syrup and fish, and he should be good. Try and bathe him if you can too, because he might start to smell a bit, and don't look at his eyelashes. I don't know how he got there so fast, but he's been doing that a lot lately, ever since India and China came to visit. He's also been carrying around a small weird carpet, and I think that might have something to do with it.

-Matt


Matthew Williams In Germany :)

2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Comment · Like

Miguel Lopez how long are you there for?
10 minutes ago · Like

Alfred Hero Jones IN germany? but i thought you never topped
9 minutes ago · Like · 2 people like this

Elizabeta Héderváry OMG you're with gilbert AND ludwig? pictures pleeeeease?
8 minutes ago · Like · 1 person likes this

Arthur Kirkland Peter, for the life of me, I'm not even going to ask why you liked that.
7 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams go die, alfred. And no, Elizabeta, I'm not with anyone. And I'm here for two weeks. And Peter...?
7 minutes ago · Like

Alfred Hero Jones PETER YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO JACK OFF TO GAY PORN
6 minutes ago · Like · 8 people like this


Alfred Hero Jones to Matthew Williams i can't believe you left me with your smelly bear :( he smells like an old vagina

46 minutes ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall
Gilbert Beilschmidt likes this.

Alfred Hero Jones to Matthew Williams and how the hell do I clean him?

43 minutes ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

Matthew Williams to Alfred Hero Jones with soap?

35 minutes ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

Alfred Hero Jones to Matthew Jones well no shit. i meant how would i have gotten him to let me clean him. neways i doped him and he let me wash him. and he also let me shave my name into his back. he's so much cooler than you

4 minutes ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall
Gilbert Beilschmidt and Lars V. like this.

Matthew Williams to Alfred Hero Jones I will kill you.

3 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall
Ivan Braginski and Arthur Kirkland like this.


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: Time Difference

Alfred F. Jones, Berlin is 6 hours ahead of Washington D.C

That means, if you're calling at 9, it's 3 in the morning here. I know that you think I'm going to be getting drunk and wasted most nights, but this is the first night. So I really don't appreciate you calling at this time. It's disturbing Ludwig's sleep and he's not too happy about it, and neither is Gilbert. We have an early day tomorrow, and I'd like to get some sleep too. I know I told you this on the phone 5 minutes ago, but I don't think you got it because you're calling again.

And again

and again

Christ Alfred, is it that hard to just get the fucking idea!

-Matt


From: Alpha Dawg

To: Matt W.

Subject: RE:Time Difference

ask nicely :)

-Alfrizzle J-shizzle


From: Alpha Dawg

To: Matt W.

Subject: RE:Time Difference

hey matt

I wanna know something

DO YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING TELEPATHIC FUCKING CONNECTION WITH YOUR FUCKING BEAR BECAUSE THE BEAR TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME TO STOP IRRITATING YOU WHAT THE FUCK AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH DID HE FUCKING ATTACKED ME WITH THOSE FUCKING BEADY EYES AND I HAVE TO HIDE IN MY CLOSET

AND THOSE CLAWS

DO YOU FUCKING SHARPEN THEM OR SOMETHING WHAT THE FUCK

-Alfrizzle J-shizzle


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: RE:RE:Time Difference

I do. Goodnight.

-Matt


here's my weird excuse for a prologue. I had no clue how to set the story up :C After this, chapters will be longer, haha