...we're at the end already? HOSHIT GUYS. Um um ummm, kay, thanks for sticking through what was basically a inebriated fluff ball. I hope it you guys enjoyed it and that it made you giggle and whatnot. I'll be writing something serious now for whatever I have next for this pairing kekeke

holy fucking shit I love all of you. This story got more response than I expected it to, and I'd like to thank everyone who read, reviewed, fav'd, alerted, and added this story to their community.

final warnings: what is science? when i was thinking up the story line for this fic, this was the first thing that came to mind.


Arrival (Home)


Somewhere in Germany, Gilbert sneezed loudly, disturbing Alfred from his kill streak in their video game, and ultimately causing him to be shot down by the enemy and lose.

As Alfred tried to (heroically) suffocate Gilbert with a couch cushion, because he had been so damn close to winning the game and was extremely sleep deprived, Gilbert flailed his arms, whacking Alfred in the face as he tried to explain that he had a feeling that something strange was going to happen.

That didn't work, so he managed to grab his own cushion, and started to thwack Alfred around the head with it. Ten minutes later, Ludwig came lumbering down, awoken by the clamor. After his sleep-addled brain saw the two essentially pillow-fighting, he decided that instead of investing his strength in prying the two apart, he would rather invest it in finding earmuffs and going back to bed.


Matthew found himself in a very familiar situation yet again.

Phone dead, check. He had been fidgety during the whole flight, wondering what the hell had happened back home, and to distract himself, played games on his cell phon till it died, then watched a mediocre movie on the flight's selection.

An imprint of his ass slowly forming on his duffel bag again, check. He had been sitting on it for around an hour and a half right near one of the main exits into the parking lot near the airport, where he was supposed to meet up with his ride.

His ride not showing up, making him look like a very lonely man, check and check. Before his flight had taken off, Kumajirou gave one last phone call, telling Matthew that he would send someone to pick him up at the airport and take him to one of the nearby hotels. So far, no one had come to claim Matthew, and Matthew wondered if it would be impolite to just get up, hail a taxi, and go straight back to his house.

Then again, he didn't want to stand up whoever was waiting supposed to pick him up. He sighed, and took another bite out of the candy bar he had gotten to kill time.

Half an hour later, he was still waiting. Then it dawned upon Matthew that it was his bear that had said he had made arrangements, and while that seemed perfectly normal to him back in the airport lounge in Berlin, Matthew suddenly felt illuminated.

And extremely stupid, as a call from the pay phone to the hotel where he supposedly had a booking but turned out he didn't, confirmed. Matthew beat himself over the head for listening to an animal that barely remembered his name (an animal), earning looks from strangers.

So, hoisting his duffel bag over his shoulder, Matthew stepped outside, proceeding to be shoved aside by other harried travelers that needed a taxi. In addition to being steamrolled by a particularly robust woman in a bright pink petticoat while she jumped into a cab that he had hailed, some of the taxi drivers seemed to see right through Matthew. Both feats were admirably, seeing it really wasn't that crowded outside. Maybe dating Gilbert was a good idea, because Matthew was sure that eventually, some arrogance and aggression would seep into Matthew's personality and he would be able to avoid such situations.

But he made do for now, and finally managed to find a cab to take him back home. He threw the duffel bag into the trunk, slid into the front seat, then prayed to all that was good that his sanity would not be utterly destroyed upon returning home.


Matthew Williams in a taxi going back home (:

25 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Comment · Like · Kumajirou Williams and Gilbird Beilschmidt like this

Gilbert Beilschmidt i'm still peeved that gilbird deleted me off facebook :(
10 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbird Beilschmidt you're embarassing online ಠ_ಠ
3 minutes ago · Like


Though going straight to his boss would have been the most advisable thing to do, Matthew decided that a trip to his house first would be better. The cab driver had let him use the car charger during the half an hour drive home, allowing his phone to approach at least half it's life in battery and him to check his e-mail and what not.

The ride had been uneventful, the driver occasionally asking general questions about Matthew's trip and making small talk about the weather, hockey, and something that had been causing a slight commotion in the Parliament buildings. At the latter, Matthew prodded the driver for information, but all he got was that someone had set a bunch of pets on the loose.

When they finally pulled down the street Matthew lived on, Matthew noticed that his house, a standard two-story building, had a large array of furniture on his front lawn.

"Over there?" The driver asked, pointing towards Matthew's driveway and raising his eyebrows slightly.

"Uhm, yeah..." Matthew gave a slightly uneasy smile as they pulled up by his house. Huge signs had been erected around the front lawn, no doubt ruining the beds of flowers that he had labored intensively over. Each sign said something to the likes of DO NOT STEAL PROPERTY letters scribbled in large red paint. Each sign also had a paw print and what seemed to be the footprint of a bird.

At least I had a good vacation, Matthew repeated mentally as he handed the driver his fare and took his duffel bag out of the boot of the car. And it was only ten days. Not that much damage could have been done.

Steeling himself, he walked up his driveway. Aside from all the contents of his house being vomited up on the front lawn, the house looked like it was still intact so hoping for the best, he unlocked the door and slowly opened it.


From: Kuma
Message: there is someone who walked into house.

From: Kuma
Message: kicked him out.

From: Kuma
Message: he keeps banging on the door for some reason. wants to be let in.

From: Matt
Message: kuma it's me! let me in!


From: Gil
Message: yoooo broski it's al. i'm using fagbert's shitty fone cus i don't want long distance charges. neways, hows shit? tony called me a cuple minutes ago nd said you were in like utter shock LOL. can u do me a favor though. take pics and send them to arthur, so he can stop being a non-beliver whenever i bring up tony.

From: Gill
Message: and no if tony/yourbear/that bird say that i provided for the project out of my own money, they lie.i only provided moral support. K THNX LOVE YOU BYE.


As Matthew sipped ill-prepared lukewarm coffee from a thermos while sitting on the floor of his kitchen, his bear and Alfred's alien (really, Alfred just had to stop lending the spare keys to Canada's house to just anyone) pottered around large...vials?, followed by Gilbird and a small army of flying...things.

Matthew gingerly drank, while wondering if he should tighten up the "war on drugs", because surely this whole scene was the result of all his citizens simultaneously getting high and the effect seeping into the embodiment of the country. The last time he was so weirded out was when he found a growth-stunted polar bear that could actually talk.

"Hey, guys..." He called out weakly. One of the miniature yellow polar bears that had been lagging behind the brood took notice and flew over to Matthew, flapping stubbly little wings with great intensity.

"Who?" It chirped, hovering right in front of Matthew's face. Matthew couldn't help but wrinkle his nose at the slight fish-stink surrounding the bear-bird hybrid, causing the animal to give an indignant head-butt to Matthew's face.

"Ow..." Matthew rubbed his nose, which had taken the brunt of the impact. "That's not very nice?"

"Who?"

"Ca-na-da, your... grandfather?"

Gilbird chose that moment to zoom over to the two, pecking at the other animal's head as if reprimanding it for falling out of order. Looking emotionless (none of the mutants had any expression, whatsoever really), the animal rejoined the rest of it's brethren. Gilbird gave one beady look in Matthew's direction, sufficiently creeping him out before the bird followed suit.

There was one pro to all of this; even though the spawn (Matthew was still thinking up an appropriate name for the animals) had inherited Kumajirou's and Gilbird's soulless eyes, they were fairly cute. They were yellow polar bears a bit larger than a kitten with stubby wings that seemed to miraculously support their weight.

The sharp, shiny white teeth they inherited from Kumajirou kind of killed the cute factor though.

Matthew counted around eight of them, not counting the ones kept in three feet tall green vials planted around his house.

Matthew hadn't managed to pass out yet, but Kumajirou informed him that the bill was waiting for him upstairs on top of his dresser, and the money had been taken from Matthew's personal bank account. Matthew hadn't mustered up enough courage to go there yet, and instead sat in his thankfully intact kitchen drinking coffee that Kumajirou had handed to him.

What made him most curious was how in the name of all that was good did his (male) bear and Gilbert's (male) bird managed to procreate. Neither creature in the house had bothered to explain. He only heard of such things in comics that Japan and his brother read, and the occasional movie or so. Though, judging by the vials and the general presence of Tony, Matthew assumed some sort of fusion had gone on, instead of the two animals procreating and...

...Oh god, mental image.

Maple.


Matthew Williams posted a picture via Mobile Web

34 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like · Alfred Hero Jones, Peter Kirkland and Gilbert Beilschmidt like this

Alfred Hero Jones HAHAHAHA WIN
32 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Peter Kirkland CAN I HAVE ONE
30 minutes ago · Like

Tino Väinämöinen no
29 minutes ago · Like

Arthur Kirkland Good god, what are these creatures
28 minutes ago · Like

Matthew Williams bear-bird hybrids
25 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt beards
24 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams flying beards. kumamila took them for show and tell at parliament and thoroughly creeped out the boss
23 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams and the boss just called, yelled, and hung up. what is this
5 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: Friendly Reminder

That as soon as you touch down in DC, you are taking a direct flight to my place. Accompanying you will be monetary compensation for this little project that you apparently have been helping them plan and create for a few months now. Failure to comply will result in my boss having a very, very stern discussion with your boss, for the spawn has apparently terrorized just about every one of my officials. The governor-general has refused to step foot in my country, and my furniture is getting eaten up and peed on by the local neighbourhood dogs.

Along with your self and money, I would like a detailed report and the blue prints for this whole cross-breeding experiment, since your extra terrestrial friend has indicated that all documentation for this is with you.

-Matt

P.S I'm going to kill you.


From: Alpha Dawg

To: Matt W.

Subject: RE:Friendly Reminder

cool story bro

-Alfrizzle J-shizzle

p.s no u. and gilly-kins says you need ta call him


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: RE:RE:Friendly Reminder

I'm serious

-Matt

P.S gilly-kins?


From: Alpha Dawg

To: Matt W.

Subject: RE:RE:RE:Friendly Reminder

yous is funnay

-Alfrizzle J-shizzle

p.s aren't you guys supposed to give each other lovey dovey nicknames now that you've fucked?


From: Matt W.

To: Alpha Dawg

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Friendly Reminder

please don't ever speak again

-Matt

p.s tell tony that he is not allowed to bring your whale to my house. he seems to not like to listen to me.


"Hey, Gilbert?"

"Hey Matt, how's it going?" Gilbert's voice sounded energetic, even though the man had around a grand total of three hours of sleep since Matthew left. Most of it was because he and Alfred had been playing video games, so he was still as hyped up as ever. "How are the beards doing?"

Matthew gave a little chuckle at the name, and watched as one of the beards (as he supposed they would be called now) floated around with a shoe hanging by it's string from the creature's mouth. The hybrid animals had considerable amount of strength, which made Matthew all the more uncomfortable.

"They're...uh, they're doing. They're still creepy as hell though. There are two that have been following me around all day."

"That's fucking awesome, man. I saw the pictures, they're so fucking adorable~"

As Gilbert cooed, Matthew chose not to reply.

"My voice raised an octave again, didn't it."

"Yep."

"Don't ever mention it to anyone or I'll kill you."

"My lips are sealed."

Anyways have you named them? Because if you haven't named them, I have some pretty fucking awesome names. If you have named them, I think you should rename them. Gilbert Junior, Gilbird Junior, Mattbert, Gilberta, Gilbirda-

"Gilbert." Matthew interrupted. "This is serious, eh?

"Your point?"

"I have a whole new species, and I don't know how the hell they were created. Nor do I know what I'm going to do with them." Matthew sighed. "This is honestly going to be so much work. My boss isn't very happy with me, because he thinks this is some secret project I've been working on forever."

"So?"

"So," Matthew stressed. "It means I'm in deep trouble right now, and I have a flock of spawn that I don't know how to take care of. Also, any hopes for vacation for the next fifty years have flown right out the window."

"So?" Gilbert repeated, and Matthew rolled his eyes, even if the other man couldn't see it. "I'll just come over instead. Babe, you gotta get on my level of thinking."

"I'm pretty sure if I had your level of thinking, I'd be actually supporting this...this oddity that's taking place in my house, eh?"

"See! That's exactly why you should think like me. I mean like, dude, we're fucking grandparents now!"

"...Sorry, what?"

"Yeah man! I mean, we've been official for only a few days, but we've known each other for how many years now? You should be rejoicing!"

"There are mutant beards with blank dark eyes flying around my house. No."

"Whatever, be an unawesome dickwad like your brother. Did you know what he did to me because he lost in a video game? He tried to suffocate me with a goddamn pillow."

Matthew let Gilbert go on for five minutes on how both Alfred and Ludwig had wronged him in the past couple of hours, before he cut him off during a tirade on how no one in the house made him breakfast.

"Hey Gil, I'd really love to continue talking but my boss is calling and I need to go now."

"Fine, ditch me in the middle of me pouring my heart out."

"I'm probably going to have a meeting with the boss soon, which is probably going to take some time since I need to explain things that I don't know. But I'm staying at a hotel tonight because my furniture's been moved out, so I'll call you when I check in, okay?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. I'll talk to you later, if I feel like gracing you with my awesome voice."

"I'll be grateful." Matthew gave a small laugh, earning a "Hey I was serious!" and a reprimand for using sarcasm on 'His Royal Awesomeness.' "I'll talk to you later then."

"Alright babe, take care." Right when Matthew was about to hang up, Gilbert practically yelled into the phone. "Holy shit, wait Matt! Don't hang up!"

"Gilbert, my boss is calling and I need to call him back. I need to go."

"This will only take a second, I swear!"

"Fine, shoot."

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm changing our relationship status online and that you need to accept."

"...Is that all?"

"What do you mean is that all? Dude, changing it online makes it official official. And we're grandpas now! Together! You better accept or I'm going to beat up your scrawny ass and-"

A few thousand kilometers away, Gilbert cursed as he heard the dial tone. Matthew could be so unawesome at times. But whatever.

"In your face, bitch." He said to Alfred, who had been sitting on the couch with him as they watched an old horror movie. It's going to be official online too. So even you can't deny it."

"Shut up."


Gilbert is in a relationship with Matthew Williams

Like · Comment · 48 people like this

Lars V. and so the world's most bromosexual relationship finally takes a step forward
3 hours ago · Like

Lovino Vargas wtf weren't you guys fucking since like forever
3 hours ago · Like

Feliciano Vargas nope! gilbert would always complain about how he never got laid for the longest time
3 hours ago · Like

Ludwig Beilschmidt I don't think Gilbert will appreciate you posting these kinds of things
3 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt naaaah 'cus now i can get laid bigtime BD
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Lars V. and you can stop calling me at 3am asking me for advice
3 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt my ass, when did I do that?
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Lars V. for a full week before you even sent matt tickets to come over
3 hours ago · Like

Francis Bonnefoy You called me too, don't forget
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt You can both suck my dick
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like · 2 people like this

Gilbert Beilschmidt I'm going to hold you both to those likes
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Elizabeta Héderváry Let me be the first to offer a *proper* congratulations. I'm happy for you guys :)
3 hours ago · Like

Rodereich Edelstein Let me be the first to offer condolences to Matthew
3 hours ago · Like · 4 people like this

Feliks Łukasiewicz LOL omg and everyone thought you'd end up always alone. good job gilbear!~
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

S. Chelles congrats guys :D
3 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt all of you are bitches. 'cept for chelles and liz, you guys are cool ;)
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Ivan Braginski I'm happy for both of you two~
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Kiku Honda As am I. Congratulations :)
3 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams Thank you :)
2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Peter Kirkland i have a question
2 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt shoot
2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Peter Kirkland who's the bitch in the relationship
2 hours ago · Like · 8 people like this

Alfred Hero Jones YES PETER
2 hours ago · Like

Arthur Kirkland Peter, that's inappropriate! You can't go around asking people these kinds of things on public forums!
2 hours ago · Like

Peter Kirkland gtfo, old man
2 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt matt's the bitch
2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams Gilbert's the bitch
2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt excuse you
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Mathias Thomsen the kid asked who's the bitch, not who was last on the receiving end
2 hours ago · Like

Lars V. Yeah gotta agree with Matt on this one
2 hours ago · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt you're both dead to me
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones pwned
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt and you, you are especially dead.
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones how about no
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt how about yes
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones how about no
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt how about yes
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones how about we strike a deal
2 hours ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt speak
An hour ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones I have copies of matt's journal
An hour ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams can we not
An hour ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones they're very detailed, for *everything*
An hour ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams shut up
An hour ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones and do you know how many wet dreams/fantasies that kid goes through?
An hour ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams i will destroy you
An hour ago via Mobile Web · Like

Elizabeta Héderváry do want
An hour ago · Like

Alfred Hero Jones and do you know how many involve you?
An hour ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt Deal, new best friend
56 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams no
54 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt yes
53 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones yes
53 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Peter Kirkland SEND THEM TO ME TOO
50 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams noo!
49 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones aww come on, everyone will remember you from now on :D
43 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like · 5 people like this

Matthew Williams I'm disowning all of you. alfred, stop being an insensitive prick and not taking into consideration my privacy or my feelings
39 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones ablah blah blah passive aggressiveness blah blah lame blah blah
36 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams I will run you over with a moose if you show anyone anything
34 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt ...too late C:
27 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Matthew Williams ._.
26 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt C:
25 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones C:
25 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Lars V. awww he's gone to go cut himself
20 minutes ago · Like

Matthew Williams some wood so i can beat you two senseless
19 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like · 2 people like this

Ivan Braginski film it ~
10 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Alfred Hero Jones oh, i'm so scared
8 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt ^
7 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Kumajirou Williams do not insult owner. will set spawn after you.
5 minutes ago via Mobile Web · Like

Alfred Hero Jones ._.
5 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt matt knows i love him, right matt?
4 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Gilbert Beilschmidt ... right matt?
2 minutes ago via Mobile Web· Like

Matthew Williams (:
59 seconds ago via Mobile Web · Like

crackberries and that's all, folks! GOODBYE.
A few moments ago · Like


FIN!


ololol self insert (' 3 ') -brick'd-

holly hell, this was a ride. and once again, thanks for sticking through this :D hugs and kisses for all!