Disclaimer: We don't own Star Trek, Paramount does. We don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer either, 20th Century Fox does. Boo hoo

Time Warped

Written by Goddessvixen/Doec

(Scene opens to Buffy and the Scoobies hanging out in Giles' living room. It is just after Buffy has gets back from patrol. Apparently it wasn't an end-of-the-world night.)

Buffy: I was out in the woods and I met a new kind of a demon or something.

Giles: what did it look like?

Buffy: It was kind of a "Swamp Thing" look to it.

Giles: Could you possible be any more vague, if you tried?

Buffy: It was having a way bad hair day, twigs all over it's head and sea weed looking stuff on it's body.

Willow: So we're bookin' it tonight? I just learned a new spell in my Wiccan group on how to make cocoa. It is supposed to be really good. I'll even make a cup for Spikey-poo.

Spike: I feel bloody special, I feel all smooshy inside. Can I be an honorary Scooby tonight?

Giles: No you can't Spike. And Willow, try your spell; you have been getting a better handle on your magick.

Willow: Thanks Giles

Giles: Oh Willow, don't turn us into dogs or something.

(Willow raspberries Giles and walks over to the stove to make the cocoa)

Xander: I'll start the round robin with the parents.

Spike: You bloody idiot. You're 18 years old! Be a man and the cut the apron strings!

Willow: (from the kitchen) Spike, be nice. Or you don't get any cocoa.

Spike: (whines) But he started it! Why don't I get any cocoa?

Willow: All right, if you're nice and quiet I'll let you have some.

Spike: (sulks) Oh, all right. Could you put blood in it?

All: NO!

Willow: Well, maybe if you're good, but don't expect a lot.

Xander: Willow, you're disgusting!

Willow: (cheerful ditzy voice) Well, he's a vampire, you don't want him dying on us, do you? (Nobody says anything)

Spike: Hey!

Buffy: Kidding, just kidding. Of course we wouldn't want you to die.

Willow: He said I was sexy once! So he gets his bloody cocoa. (Flings things into the pan, doing an incantation) Rosemary and thyme, make this cocoa of mine, at the speed of light! Mote it be.

Oz: Is it just me, or are the rest of you getting a bit nervous?

Giles: (flipping through a book of demons) I could care less, she can't hurt much with cocoa. (She comes out triumphant with a tray of mugs of cocoa, she serves it up, pours a dash of blood into Spikes but she forgets herself and pours it in everybody's. Thankfully, no one notices. They all chug down half in one gulp with approving looks on their faces) Thank you, Willow, this actually looks like it turned out. Okay, let's go, everyone—(and they all vanish)

(Next scene is the Bridge of the Starship Voyager, everyone is at their usual stations when 6 people appear out of nowhere. The Scooby gang looks around, completely baffled, but the Starfleet crew just sighs, looks up and looks disgusted)

Voyager crew: Q?!?!

Q2: (appears) Trust me, it wasn't Dad, or me. Later! (Snaps and he goes away again)

Janeway: Excuse me, but who are you people?

Willow: (the first to find her voice) Um, that was my bad, sorry. I have no idea what just happened but I guess I got the spell wrong.

Giles: (gaping at his surroundings, with much more advanced technology and so forth, mutters to himself) Talk about doing the Time Warp.

Xander: (to Spike) You had to make her put blood in, didn't you. Nice going, puppy.

Janeway: (tries again) Would you mind telling me where you come from?

Buffy: What do you mean? Who's that kid that just disappeared? Where are we???

Janeway: I see this is going to be complicated for both of us to explain.

Giles: Well, madam, we're from Sunnydale California—(this grabs everyone's attention, especially Ensign Kim's)

Kim: Earth?! You're from Earth?!

Xander: Last time I checked.

Kim: Captain, can you believe this??

Janeway: Calm down, Ensign. Now, how did you get here? Have you found a way to get us home?

Spike: Did we do what with who? Look, lady, you're none of my concern. If you got yourself lost without a map then that's your problem. Where the hell are we?

Paris: From the sounds of it, you'll have to add a "when" to that question. What year is it where you come from?

Buffy: 2000, why?

Chakotay: From 400 years ago? That's a long ways. How did you get here? (Everyone gives Willow a dirty look)

Willow: What??? I said I was sorry, guys. You know how it is.

Giles: So now that we know when we are, would any of you care to tell us where we are?

Janeway: That will be harder to explain. You're on the Federation Starship Voyager, 40,000 light-years from Earth. That's where we're trying to get.

Giles: Been traveling long?

Janeway: (nods) Seven years. But you get used to it. I'm sorry to keep harping on this but what exactly are you doing here?

Spike: You have the Wimpy Witch of the West Coast to thank for that one; all she was trying to do was make cocoa and Wham! Suddenly we're all here.

Buffy: Seeing how we know where and when we are, who was the kid that disappeared??

Janeway: Q2

Buffy: Is a Q2 some kind of demon? And if it is a demon can I kill him?? I have Mr. Pointy with me. (Buffy pulls a wooden stake out of the back of her jeans.)

Giles: I don't know Buffy, let me check. (Flips through the book he had in his head when they disappeared) disappearing demons, disappearing. (Giles mumbles)

Buffy: Good, I didn't get a lot of slayings in tonight

Giles: Here we are, disappear, (Giles scans the page) Sorry Buffy, no Q2 demons.

Spike: Hey Buff, why don't you slay the dunce of the west over there?

Oz: I know we should have just made Swiss Miss.

Kim: What's a demon? (Buffy and the Scoobies fall to the ground in laughter) What did I say?

Tuvok: Demons are mythical creature of human legends. However they do not exist.

Spike: Ever been to SunnyHell?

Janeway: I can't say I've heard of the place. Where is it?

Buffy: Sunnydale is in California, near Los Angeles.

Janeway: And who are you people?

Willow: Um, that's Buffy Summers, Xander Harris, Spike, Rupert Giles, Oz, and I'm Willow Roseburg. I'm really sorry for just popping in like that, it was a total accident, you understand, don't you? I'm not a very good witch yet; I'm still working on it though. All I was trying to do was make cocoa.

Janeway: Well, we have had our share of unusual encounters, though you must agree that it does seem rather implausible.

Giles: I do agree, madam, you have every reason to doubt us, though I assure you our intentions are quite harmless. We just want to get back to where we came from.

Paris: Join the club.

Janeway: Mr. Giles, am I correct in assuming that you're responsible for the rest here?

Giles: Uh, more or less, I suppose.

Janeway: Can I see you privately, please? Commander, keep an eye on the others. You have the Bridge.

(He follows her into her ready room, the doors hiss shut and she spins on her heel and faces him.)

Giles: I'm afraid we haven't been properly introduced.

Janeway: (nods) Captain Kathryn Janeway; this is my starship, Voyager.

Giles: Rupert Giles, Watcher (shakes hands with her) Pleasure to meet you, Captain.

Janeway: I'm afraid I don't know what a Watcher is, Mr. Giles.

Giles: It's hard to explain, and you can drop the "Mr.". See, Buffy in the other room is a Slayer. She fights demons and vampires, dark forces, what have you. It's my job to train her. Actually, I haven't officially been her Watcher for a number of years, but we became rather attached to each other.

Janeway: I see. So you're saying that girl…

Giles: She's much stronger than she looks, believe me.

Janeway: So, how are we going to get you back?

Giles: I'm sure Willow and I can think of something. We apologize for being such a bother to you.

Janeway: (looks like she's getting a headache, sighs) It's fine, it was starting to get too quiet around here. Is there anything I should know about any of them?

Giles: Well, Spike is a vampire, Oz is a werewolf—

Janeway: What?! I thought you said that Buffy girl was supposed to kill people like that!

Giles: Um, technically speaking, I suppose she is, but Spike's harmless, and Oz just needs to be chained up every month. Nothing we can't deal with.

Janeway: How comforting. At the risk of being rude, I have to tell you having dangerous people like that roaming my ship freely can and will pose a major security risk. I'd like to keep them somewhat confined if you don't mind.

Giles: You'd be better off keeping Xander confined; he's liable to have just about anything happen to him. One of those people with the black cloud hovering over their head.

Janeway: (smiles sympathetically as she is reminded of her favorite Ensign; who's died twice, fallen in love with a hologram, a former Drone, the wrong twin, someone who's been raised from the dead only to disappear again, and a psychopathic terrorist; been eaten by a holodeck program, assimilated by amateurs, nearly digested by species 8472, need I go on? [I'm not making this up!]) I think I know the type. So…Earth, what's it like when you come from? (Dying to hear about her home planet, although where they come from she's got centuries before she's even a glint in somebody's eye)

Giles: Oh, the usual.

Janeway: (sighs) Tell me

Giles: What's it like now? Have you been in touch?

Janeway: (nods) Mm-hmm. Sounds just the way we left it. Haven't had any crime or poverty, or pollution, or interplanetary war for centuries. I hope we get back soon.

Giles: Sounds lovely. Very unlike the Earth I am from.

Janeway: Yes, I know. Everyone's taught about the Second Dark Ages in school, what a time you come from.

Giles: Is that what they call it? Well they hit the nail right on the head with that title. It's a pity I won't live to see your era begin. I like the sounds of it much better.

Janeway: You seem like someone I could get along with. You seem very familiar somehow. (Snaps out of her cozy state of mind, mentally shakes herself) Listen to me, opening up like that to someone I don't even know. We'd better get back to your friends.

Giles: may I ask you what a Q2 is? Is it a new type of demon in your time?

Janeway: A Q or Q2 are a race of omnipotent being with the powers to do anything. Q2 is the son of Q.

Giles: It sound like they can be annoying.

Janeway: You have no idea. Q2 is okay. His father, on the other hand, has caused Starfleet some annoyance in the past.

Giles: What is Starfleet?

(Janeway had paused to think of a way to explain what Starfleet was without breaking the temporal prime directive)

Janeway: lets just say it is a form of the military in the future.

Giles: Oh I see, so how has this Q cause you trouble?

Janeway: he has on one occasion introduced us to a new and dangerous enemy. I can't tell you any more with out effect the timeline in some way.

Giles: I understand, can I have you explain who the Q's are to Buffy and the others?

Janeway: of course

(Captain Janeway and Giles walked back onto Voyager's bridge just in time to hear that someone has beat them to it)

Paris: You should seen her face when Q called her Madam Captain; I also heard he appeared in the middle of her bubble bath once!

Janeway: Well Mr. Paris it sounds as if you have explained whom the Q are.

Buffy: Yes he has, he sounds interesting.

Janeway: (sighs) So much for the Temporal Prime Directive.

Xander: This place sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie!

Oz: Ever try hummus?

Janeway: Excuse me?

Oz: The Q guy, every try attacking him with hummus?

Xander: (slaps him upside the head) What is it with you and hummus? Give up the hummus!!

Oz: He wouldn't see it coming. (Everybody groans)

Janeway: No, I am afraid that we have never considered hummus, Oz is it?

(Then we hear Q in a distant part of space far from Voyager say "Oh no not hummus! I'm allergic to hummus!")

Buffy: Can I still try and kill him any way?

Giles: (makes a dismissive gesture) Buffy, I have found the monster that you fought while on patrol, we have to get back.

Buffy: what was it?

Giles: it is called an Aproticia monster it eats cats and human flesh. And then it develops the psychic abilities to destroy matter and when it grow to it full potential it will destroy the world.

Buffy: How do I destroy it when we get back?

Janeway: could someone please explain to me what you are talking about?

Giles: There is one girl chosen in every generation to fight the vampires. She is endowed with super-human strength to defeat them. As a watcher I am in charge of training her and informing the slayer of how to defeat various monsters. I also record everything the slayer does.

Spike: but he was fired wasn't he?

Giles: That's it, no more watching Passions in my bathtub. Besides it is because of your blood in the coca that we're all here.

(All of the voyager crew crinkle their noses in disgust)

Janeway: That's fine; I get the idea what a slayer is. It sounds very…interesting. This whole thing is just way out there, even for us. (She and Giles sit down and rub their temples in perfect sync. Buffy and the rest sort of look at the two of them, seeing something very familiar about them. Janeway taps her comm. badge) Janeway to Seven of Nine, would you come show our guests to their quarters.

Seven: (VO) On my way, Captain. (Moments later she comes out of the turbolift, all the Scoobies assume defense formation) This way. (Janeway nods towards the lift, gesturing they follow Seven, they do so cautiously) I will not harm you

Xander: Right…um, nice piercing. (Taps his left eyebrow)

Seven: It is an ocular implant; I have Borg implants from my time in the collective.

Buffy: Um, I get it. I got scars too, check it out (rolls up her pant leg)

Seven: Perhaps our doctor could be of use in healing your wounds. (The doors open) This way. (They follow her to one of the ship's guest cabins. The doors open, they walk into the dark room.) Computer, lights. (The lights come on, revealing a large room for them to share.) I hope you will find the accommodations adequate. We will add you to the crew manifest for the time being, as well as credit your accounts with a week's worth of replicator rations. (They gawk at her, not totally sure of what she's talking about)

Xander: (sits on a bed, bounces it a little to test its give) Cozy place, isn't it? What the hell is a replicawaziwah?

Giles: I have no idea. We'd better not bother them; we've imposed on them too much already.

Willow: Yeah, well it looks like you and the captain were hitting it off. Eh, Giles? Loverboy?

Giles: That's not funny, Willow. Just let it be.

Buffy: Ooh, somebody's sensitive! Think she's pretty?

Giles: Leave it alone, all of you! Honestly, I just met with the woman!

Xander: Hey, it happens (makes kissy faces at him)

Spike: Ugh, now that's a disturbing sight. Stop it; there are ladies present (hits him again to get him to stop)

Giles: All of you just grow up. Go to sleep, heaven knows what time it is.

Computer: (bleeps) The time is 000 hours. (They all jump and stare at the ceiling)

Willow: Okay, now that was kinda spooky. A room that talks?

Oz: Yeah, weird. I wonder if they know what color socks I am wearing. (With those words, purple socks with witches on them appear in the replicator.)

Spike: you wear purple socks with witches on them. So manly

Oz: Willow gave them to me.

Willow: Oh Oz, are you wearing the underwear too?

Oz: Once in a while

Scoobies in unison: don't need that picture in my head

Xander: I am going to throw up.

Buffy: me too, Xand

Xander: I wonder if they have toilets in the twenty-fourth century.

Willow: I know a spell that--

Scoobies: NO MORE SPELLS!!!

Buffy: That thing just spits out socks out of nowhere! There could be some kind of psychic evil, something-or-other! I mean, who knows what it could do next?! (Stakes the replicator, sparks fly all over and an alarm goes off. Seconds later Lt. Torres and the Captain come into the room, B'Elanna heads right for the replicator, sticks her head inside and starts muttering)

Torres: (yanks out Mr. Pointy) Okay, who shoved this into the replicator?

Buffy: (she and the Scoobies all look at each other. She steps forward proudly) I killed it! Now gimme back Mr. Pointy! (Swipes back her stake, talks baby-talk to it) Did she hurt you? Aww, its all right.

Torres: (glances back for a second, stares at Buffy's attitude towards a spike of wood, goes back to making repairs) No offense, but even I had a stuffed animal.

Buffy: Its Mr. Pointy. He's my lucky stake. (Kisses 'him' and sticks it in her back pocket)

Torres: Ooookay. Now, first of all, this is Mr. Replicator. Mr. Replicator is our friend. Mr. Replicator, when properly used, and not staked… makes us things we need such as food, clothing, just about whatever you can think of. NOT A DEMON!!!

Giles: Um, thank you for that clarification.

Torres: (tinkers around with the ruined equipment, fixing the damage done by the well-meaning if not misinformed slayer) That should do it. (Gets up, turns around and faces them) Just tell it what you want and it appears right in there. (Mistaking Torres for a vampire, Buffy raises her stake to attack B'Elanna, who has a second to react before utter peril. She drops on the floor and kicks Buffy's legs out from under her)

Torres: What is it with you and staking?? (Janeway grabs Mr. Pointy and flings it at Giles, who catches it. Janeway then draws her phaser and has it ready)

Buffy: You…are…a…demon! (Lunges at B'Elanna again, Giles stands in front of Janeway)

Giles: Buffy, settle down. I don't think she's a demon. Are you?

Torres: No. Why do you think so?

Buffy: I've never seen a human that looks like that!

Torres: (flushes mauve with indignity) Well, maybe it's because I'm not.

Giles: See, Buffy? She's not. (Realizes what he just said) You're not?

Janeway: (sighs) You've never seen an extraterrestrial. B'Elanna, I apologize, I should have warned you.

Torres: (taking all this in) Oh! You mean…(self-conscious of her forehead for the first time in years)

Buffy: Oh, you're…supposed to look like that?

Torres: (growls) Captain…

Janeway: Miss Summers, please show a little more respect. Lieutenant Torres is one of my most prized officers. While you are here, doubtless you will encounter people of other races than human.

Xander: Um, excuse me? What else is there?

Janeway: I see we have a looong way to go. Just don't go insulting everyone.

Oz: No problem there, I'm a little different myself.

Janeway: Yes, Mr. Giles told me. Why is it you can associate with a vampire and a werewolf but the moment you see a woman with forehead ridges you try to kill her?

Buffy: And lovely ridges they are. (Weak smile. B'Elanna leaves; Buffy and the rest follow her apologizing)

Janeway: (sits down, it's a long day. Giles rubs her shoulders; he's found her weakness!) Oh, thank you.

Giles: It happens to be one of my more secret specialties, and something you obviously needed.

Janeway: You are a man of many talents, Mr. Giles. (Feels warm tingles course though her body, feeling man's touch for the first time in seven years) I'd almost forgotten what this feels like. I haven't been able to do this in ages. Everyone here's a subordinate, its like I'm not allowed to have feelings. This is nice. It's different with holograms.

Giles: Sorry, what's a hologram?

Janeway: Oh, never mind. It's not important. (Cozy sigh) Do you need a hand getting back where you came from?

Giles: Actually, yes. It's a matter of importance actually.

Janeway: Well, if we could be of help, we're willing to lend a hand.

Giles: (stops) That's very hospitable of you, thank you.

Janeway: Let's have a peek at that book of yours; find some way to defend against that creature you mentioned. (Gets up, sits at a table with the Big Book-O-Demons. He sits opposite her) you deal with these things every day? Remind me to introduce you to the Borg. (Smiles almost flirt-like at him, he does too. Goes through a few pages, looks appalled at a large amount of them)

Giles: There isn't much that we can't handle.

Janeway: You seem like a good team. How long have you known each other?

Giles: Four, five years. Never a dull moment.

Janeway: I know how that feels. Sometimes you just pray for something to disrupt things when it's too quiet.

Giles: I welcome what free time I can. I worry about Buffy sometimes. I know she's capable of taking care of herself, but she's still young, vulnerable. Of course it's all relative. For a slayer, she's getting to be over the hill.

Janeway: Really? She can't be more than…18?

Giles 19, you're close. No, most slayers don't live past 16. She's been lucky

Janeway: I guess. Good for her. (Pauses in thought) You know, it occurs to me your name sounds kind of familiar now that I think about it. Maybe I have heard of you.

Giles: Oh? How flattering.

Chakotay: (VO) Bridge to the Captain

Janeway: (taps comm. badge) Janeway here, what is it Commander?

Chakotay: (VO) We need you on the Bridge.

Janeway: On my way, Commander. Janeway out. Would you excuse me? I'm terribly sorry.

Giles: Its not a problem, duty calls. The bat signal is up, I guess. (She gets up and heads for the Bridge, he follows her) Captain—(ducks into the turbolift with her)

Janeway: Yes?

Giles: (nervous) I…never met a woman like you.

Janeway: (shy smile) Oh, thank you. Same to you. (Catches herself, shakes her head) You know what I mean.

Giles: (smiles back) Yes, I do. Um, would it be…possible, that is, are you free much?

Janeway: What?

Giles: Oh, nothing, that wasn't appropriate.

Janeway: (sensing his lack of confidence in the female department, decides to take charge) Would you like to join me on the holodeck later? You'll like it, I promise.

Giles: I believe you. When?

Janeway: Tomorrow, before my shift?

Giles: I'll be looking forward to it.

Janeway: Me too. (The doors open, she steps off and he goes back to his quarters. She strolls in and lounges in her seat, gives her First Officer a little wave) what was it you needed me for?

Chakotay: Actually it was a false alarm, we have everything under control, sorry to—

Janeway: Chakotay, you're supposed to be my First Officer, not my chaperone (gives him a shove).

(While Janeway and Chakotay are on the bridge, Torres takes Buffy and the gang to the holodeck.)

Torres: This is a holodeck, not a monster.

Buffy: Just because I staked your repliwhatmacallit doesn't mean I'll stake everything (raspberries Torres)

Torres: May I remind you that you tried to stake me just a little bit ago?

Buffy: it was not my fault that you look like a vampire, now is it?

Torres: Computer, Klingon martial arts program four. After you, slayer

(Buffy walks into the room to see some very interesting metal weapons on the wall. Torres follows in after her and picks up on of the weapons, throws one to Buffy)

Torres: Lets just see if you can put some action behind those words of yours

Buffy: I'd love to. What is this anyway?

Torres: it is a bat'leth. Klingon weapon of choice. It's a bit cumbersome to a novice, but I have to admit it does have certain elegance about it. (Swishes it through the air absently) It helps me accept my mixed heritage. So, are we done with the introductions? Let's go. (Buffy raises her bat'leth above her head into a fighting stance.) Not bad, slayer. Your posture isn't bad. (Brings her weapon down. Buffy counters by pushing up and putting half of her slayer strength behind her assault. Which in turn slams Torres against the wall of the holodeck)

(Tom Paris passes by the holodeck to see that his wife was pinned up against the wall by that girl that had appeared in the middle the bridge.)

Paris: B'Elanna what are you doing losing like that? What would your mother think?

Torres: Shut up, flyboy (Tom uses his comm. page to tell all of the voyager crew that B'Elanna and Buffy were fighting in holodeck two. With in a matter of minutes, practically the entire Voyager crew is watching the fight including Captain Janeway and Giles. They're all cheering them on; Tom's taking bets, and the fight isn't getting any prettier. Both women are taking and dodging hits and looking increasingly tired. Buffy blocks a hit but the force knocks her down)

Willow: (skipping like a cheerleader) Come on, Buffy! You can do it! Go Buffy! (Everyone, even the fighters stop for a minute and gape at her) What? (They resume)

Giles: Oh, Buffy. Have I taught you nothing? You're exposing yourself! Watch the knees, Buffy! For gods' sakes! You're embarrassing me!

Janeway: Looks like your slayer's met her match, Rupert.

Giles: (a bit fazed at being addressed by his first name, fakes an offended expression) Not a chance! If anything, your engineer's met hers, Kathryn

Janeway: (its obvious both adults feel closer from having established first- name basis) I'm sure she'd disagree. Oooh, nice move, 'Lanna! (Claps)

Torres: (panting) Tired yet, Slayer?

Buffy: (also panting) Hardly. I could do this…for hours (shoves her into the crowd, knocking Giles and the Captain into each other) I have saved the world on three or four different occasions and sent my boyfriend to hell. This is nothing.

Giles: Oww, my head.

Janeway: Sorry.

Doctor: (steps forward, scans them both for damage) Hold still, please. (Long silence save for the bleepings of the recorder) Hmm, that's interesting. (Looks at both of them, still within close proximity to each other) Very interesting.

Janeway: Doctor?

Doctor: Hmm? Oh, nothing.

Giles: (looks back into the holodeck, both women are collapsed on the floor) Looks like we missed the tail end. How did it come out?

Paris: It's a draw! They both just stopped! (Goes beside his wife, coaxing her into a sitting position)

Janeway: Damn!

Paris: That's 10 from you, Captain?

Janeway: Shut up before I demote you, "Ensign".

Giles: It's awfully late; may I escort you back to your quarters, Kathryn?

Janeway: That would be nice, thank you. (Outside her door, they hover within inches of each other for a moment, then he moves in fast and plants a kiss on her cheek, completely stunning her. She backs into her room; as soon as the doors hiss shut Giles hears her rare girlish laughter from inside her room. Inside) Oh finally! Thank you, whoever's up there. I've never fallen this fast before. Oh god, its as though we were made for each other. (Climbs under her covers and goes to sleep)

(By the time Giles gets back to the temporary bat cave, Buffy and the rest are already there)

Willow: Hey Giles, how's your girlfriend?

Giles: (too happy to care he's being made fun of) Perfect. It's as though another me, slightly different, made into a beautiful woman. (Lays down, in a dream) Fate has brought us together.

Xander: Hey there, Romeo-Reaper, what's all this? I haven't seen you this bad since Miss Calendar or the psycho female watcher.

Giles: Calender-schmalender. Kathryn Janeway's one in a million, one in a trillion, one in a googolplex. And I have a date in the morning.

Buffy: You don't waste any time, do you?

Giles: I wouldn't mind hanging around here a while longer.

Buffy: Giles, the demon? We kinda have to get back or none of this will happen. Then your girlfriend won't even exist anymore. You understand that much?

Giles: Buffy, would it kill you to let me be content for just one moment? Yes, I realize it's imperative that we get back home, but I think this is for real. How else could we feel so close after such a short time together?

Buffy: Blah blah blah, I'd rather not think of you swooning over someone right now.

Giles: Can it, Buffy. It's all right for you to subject me to every aspect of your love life, but the second I get a little then suddenly its "Eww, gross, we don't want to hear about that". She's strong, intelligent, she's got a body to die for (everyone gags, including Spike), but there's something else…a sadness about her.

Spike: Knock it off, you bloody pansy! You're making us all sick! (Sticks his head under a pillow, black out)

(The next morning, Giles gets up, figures out how to replicate some fresh clothes, and heads for the holodeck. Inside, the captain is waiting for him in her Gothic Victorian program, dressed for the setting)

Giles: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, am I late?

Janeway: Not at all, please sit down.

Giles: Extraordinary (looking all around, touching things, finally sits down beside her. He doesn't notice but she scoots a little bit closer to him) and none of this is real?

Janeway: Depends on what you mean by "real"

Giles: Incredible, though I do admit I'm feeling a little under-dressed. (We're gonna need a mop, he's drooling all over the place!) You look fabulous.

Janeway: Thank you. And don't worry, you're fine. I've deleted all the other characters in this program. Just us. (Realizing she's *this* close to sitting in his lap, reminding herself she just met him a few hours ago) I come here to escape the 24th century. Even I need a break from it once in a while.

Giles: I understand completely. (About to kiss her, she dodges him)

Janeway: Please don't. (Scoots away, very much in temptation)

Giles: I'm sorry. I should have known better. Frankly, I'm feeling as though I've known you my whole life. It seems impossible that we just met.

Janeway: I know, I know. I feel the same way…close. But I…can't

Giles: And why not? I don't serve under you. (Believe me, she'd love to serve under him!)

Janeway: That's true…I've never had this happen before. So fast.

Giles: I understand. I'm sorry.

Janeway: (sotto) You don't know what it's like, Rupert. To be alone among many like this. I can barely remember the last time I let myself be involved with another man.

Giles: (scoots closer to her, drapes his arm around her shoulders, she struggles with herself against reacting or turning to mush) I know. It must be awfully lonely. For what its worth, you're not alone now. (Kisses her forehead, her cheek, then she pulls him back and kisses him on the lips. He can feel her trembling as he holds her)

Janeway: (looks at her lap) I'd thank you not to mention this to anyone.

Giles: You have my word.

Janeway: (turns back to him, a sort of childish look about her, whispers) I think I love you. (Presses herself into his arms, he gladly accepts. Just then Tom Paris and Xander come in to use the holodeck)

Paris: Wait till I show you my—(stops short, sees Watcher and Captain jump away from each other and stare at the new arrivals like deer caught in the headlights. Tom takes a deep breath)–spoon collection! (Shoves Xander out hard, the doors shut behind him, whispers) I won't tell. (Janeway nods, she changes back into her uniform and she and Giles exit.)

(A few hours later, Janeway calls a meeting in the briefing room about how to get them home and destroy the demon when they get there. Both she and Giles are facing "their" people, away from each other with their arms folded)

Janeway: B'Elanna, I need you and Chakotay to go through all relevant data on this creature they need to destroy. Go though myths, folklore, legends, whatever is compatible with the description he gave us.

Giles: Willow, its important that you remember exactly what you said and did during the spell so we can reverse it. You can also go though and see if there are any specific spells that could also be useful. Buffy, you and Spike go help them with the demon, look for weaknesses, flaws, anything that will help us combat it.

Janeway and Giles together: (making identical "chopping" gestures with their hands) Timing is everything! If this doesn't work, none of this will happen. The future of Earth depends on us! (Oz notices their similarity, chokes back a laugh, drawing their attention) What?

Oz: talk about double mint twins

Giles: (exchanges looks with the captain, shakes it off) Never mind, Oz. All right, everybody know what's going on?

Janeway and Giles together: (claps) Do it. (That's the kicker, she stares at him)

Giles: What?

Janeway: You said "Do it".

Giles: So? You did, too.

Janeway: I know. Its just…never mind. (Gives him a flirting smile)

(The doctor pipes up just before everyone leaves)

Doctor: Can I have a minute to talk with the Captain as well as Mr. Giles?

Janeway: Is there a problem?

Doctor: Yes, as a matter of fact there is.

Giles: We don't have time for this, Doctor just tell us.

Doctor: Captain?

Janeway: Yes, please just tell us

Doctor: Well, it seem that when I scanned you and Mr. Giles, something interesting popped up.

Giles: What is it?

Doctor: It seems that you and the captain are related

Janeway: What am I? A cousin seventeen times removed or something?

Doctor: More like he is your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather.

Spike: You were dating your bloody granddaughter! That is disgusting!

(Everyone looks at Spike in surprise)

Spike: What? I maybe a big bad vampire but there are things even vampires don't do.

Oz: well at least we all know that Giles gets laid!

Buffy: First my mother, now this. Too many images.

Tom: You slept with Buffy's mother? Is that traditional training policy?

Giles: No, I was under the influence of chocolate.

Torres: They most have changed the recipe for chocolate.

Buffy: Believe me, they did.

Xander: I guess that makes you exempt from his little dating curse.

Janeway: Dating curse?

Willow: All the girls he dates end up dying.

Janeway: You're serious?

Paris: At that rate, you're lucky you exist, Captain.

Janeway: I guess so. Rupert, it goes without saying that…we can't see each other anymore.

Giles: I'd assumed. (Janeway leaves) Kathryn, wait—(follows her out)

Oz: Another one bites the dust.

(Janeway goes into her ready room, locking Giles out)

Giles: Kathryn, please. It…could be worse. (No answer) Okay, I don't know how, but…so we're family, it's not a big deal. At least let me in. (inside, Janeway gets up and opens the door) Thank you.

Janeway: (angry, and frustrated) It wouldn't have worked out anyway. You have to go back, this just adds to it. You couldn't understand, so I'll give you the list: high school boyfriend—dead, fiancé—married someone else, live-in boyfriend—had to leave him after I was de-brainwashed and I never see him again, you—my grandfather! Now, I have never complained about this, but this is just too much. You see? It's just too much for one person to take! (Slams her desk with her fist, everything on it jumps)

Giles: Well, it hasn't been exactly easy for me either. Like Xander said, everyone that I fall in love with ends in tragedy. But, knowing that I had some small part in creating you…means a lot to me. Now, I know that recent revelations make it impossible for us to continue seeing each other romantically, but I mean it when I say that I am never going to forget you.

Janeway: (also admittedly touched by their connection) I won't forget this, either.

(Buffy and Seven are in engineering have a heart to heart.)

Buffy: So what are you?

Seven: I am human; I was assimilated by the Borg as a child.

Buffy: Sounds…interesting. So do you miss the Borg people?

Seven: No, and I fail to see the relevance of the question

Buffy: I was talking to the captain and she told me that you are trying to regain your humanity. I know what that is like.

Seven: Highly doubtful, seeing as you were never Borg and part of the hive mind.

Buffy: What is a hive mind?

Seven: it is billions of different drones talking in your mind at one time until you are at a point when you are no longer an individual, but a slave to the wishes of the mind because you can not hear your own.

Buffy: I may have an idea of what you mean I am a one slayer in a line of one thousand slayers before me. As a slayer I have been forced in to one role for the rest on my life. I have listened to so many voices that have been telling I must kill this monster, demon or master vampire. That I'm no longer a person when I am slaying on patrol. I am just a mindless machine to all of those voices and I just kill, I don't think.

Seven: you have some understanding of a hive mind, after all. How do you keep your humanity?

Buffy: Personally I find one way to keep my own humanity is to let all of my troubles and worries wash. When I step into a warm bubble bath for a couple of hours everything soaks away well I am in the tub. And when I get out I tend to be more relaxed and mellowed for a couple of hours.

Seven: a bubble bath

Buffy: You should try it some time Seven. I have to go Giles has arranged for a training program for me to take so I don't slack in my abilities while we are away from Sunnydale.

(Next we meet up with Willow)

Willow: (in some random corridor) Um, hey, computer? (Computer bleeps) Hi. Um, computer, could you tell me where the captain is?

Computer: (bleeps) Captain Janeway is on holodeck 2

Willow: Okay, thanks. Where's holodeck 2?

Computer: Deck 6.

Willow: How do I get there?

Computer: (bleeps) Use the turbolift.

Willow: Thanks. Have a nice day. (Finds the turbolift) Hey, Computer? It's me again. How do I start this thing? Sorry.

Computer: Desired location?

Willow: Deck 6, please. (The lift starts up) Whoa! (It stops on Deck 6, the doors hiss open) Cool, thanks for the ride! Bye! (Goes to the holodeck and knocks on the door)

Janeway: (VO from inside) Push the big white button. (Willow does and comes inside to her Da Vinci program)

Willow: Wow, nice. Make this yourself?

Janeway: I think it came with the ship.

Willow: Oh. Hey, wanna talk? (Pulls up a seat)

Janeway: What about?

Willow: Oh, I don't know, family?

Janeway: (ironic laugh) I let myself fall in love with one of my ancestors, could you spare me the ridicule please?

Willow: I'm not here to make fun of you, but just keep in mind that he let himself fall in love with one of his descendents. If you hadn't found out you were related you'd still be crazy for each other. (Janeway sighs, looks depressed, Willow tries to cheer her up) Aw, hey, you wouldn't have wanted him anyway.

Janeway: Oh?

Willow: Yeah, he's always bringing his work home with him (Janeway smiles a little, as it pertains to her as well) Oh, you do that, too?

Janeway: I must have gotten it from him. (Sighs) Oh, Rupert…stupid chromosomes.

Willow: Yeah, well, he…has not taste at all, he can barely dress himself without help. Oh! And he snores!

Janeway: Does he?

Willow: Oh yeah, really loud. Mouth wide open and everything.

Janeway: Do I want to know how you know this?

Willow: Well, I guess when you save the world with the same crowd on a regular basis, you kinda get to know stuff you don't really need to know. Oh, hey Captain, I got a great idea.

(Several hours later in the newly-programmed steamy Swedish spa, they're both lying on massage tables, towels around their bodies and their hair. They're getting killer backrubs by holographic men)

Janeway: (moans) You were right, this is just what I needed. (Stretches, practically purring)

Willow: Another thing you learn from being a Slayer's sidekick is how and when to relax.

Janeway: Old-world wisdom, gotta love it.

Willow: Hmm. Whoa, man! What time is it??

Computer: The time is 2000 hours.

Willow: (points to the ceiling) I love your computer.

Janeway: (smiles lazily) I think she likes you too.

Willow: Well, this has been just super, but I have a date with Oz. Can we use the other holodeck? Pretty please?

Janeway: I don't see why not, if no one's in it already. What are you kids going to do in there, if you don't mind me asking?

Willow: We're going to have our first moonlit evening together. Kinda hard to do when you're dating a werewolf.

Janeway: Sounds like fun, you two go have a good time. I'd better get moving, too. (They delete the masseuses and get dressed, exiting but having completely forgotten to shut down the program. A few minutes later, Seven of Nine pokes her head in, looks around, and lets herself in)

Seven: Computer, add a bubble bath to this program.

(Within two second a ceramic bathtub appears and it is filled to the hilt with bubbles)

Seven: Computer, don't open this door for anyone with out my authorization.

(About an hour later, Seven is looking relaxed for the first time in her life, splashing lazily, in the next holodeck Willow and Oz are having a romantic moonlit stroll.)

Willow: I should have known there should be a way around this whole werewolf thing.

Oz: this will be peachy keen

(Willow leans over to Oz and wraps her arms around his neck.)

Willow: I love you Oz.

(Willow rises on to her tiptoes to reach Oz better and she kisses him)

(With a violent shiver Oz pushes Willow away)

Oz: willow run! Now get out of here!

(Oz's nose lengthens into an animals snout, you can see that his vertebrae is curving from being one of a human to one of a primitive animal. next long pieces of coarse animal fur start to grow on his back. to end his transformation a tail grows out of his back end.)

(When willow ran out of the holodeck she left the doors open so Oz in werewolf form runs out the doors. So now there is a bloodthirsty werewolf loose on Voyager. Seven wanders casually out of the holodeck and sees Oz. The Doctor comes up behind her)

Seven: Hi there, puppy. Doctor, look at the puppy (totally relaxed smile)

Doctor: Seven, trust me here, that is not a puppy. Run! (Oz snarls at them both, Seven remains unfazed and tries to pet him; the Doctor pulls her hand away and forces her to run away from him)

Seven: Doctor, what is it?

Doctor: I'm not sure but I don't think we want to find out.

(The captain walks passed the holodeck to find some kind of animal on all fours at the entrance of the holodeck.)

Janeway: what is that?

(Oz lifts on of his paws and swipes across Janeway's arm leaving dangerously deep claw marks on her arm. Oz brings the bloody paw to his snout and licks it. A look that makes you think he has just tasted fine wine appears on his face.)

Janeway: that can't be a good sign! (And she runs from the holodeck to find someone to help subdue the creature.

(As janeway runs down the hall she slams into Giles)

Giles: Kathryn what is your rush? (Janeway makes a downward glance at her clawed arm) Oh no, Oz is loose as a werewolf. Thank goodness it wasn't a bite. (Janeway clasps into Giles' arms and faints. He scoops her up and cradles her in his arms, the doctor appears)

Doctor: would it have killed you to go to sickbay once in your lifetime? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Computer, medical emergency. Two to beam directly to sickbay, and transfer EMH program to sickbay as well.

(In sickbay, Giles doesn't have time to wonder about what just happened, he lays Janeway down on a biobed and a second later the Doctor appears and scans her)

Doctor: She's lost a great deal of blood; she's going to need a direct blood transfusion. (Gives Giles a meaningful look) From a family member.

Giles: Whatever it takes. I need to get Buffy, tell her what the situation is. She'll know what to do.

Doctor: Very well. (Taps comm. badge.) Sickbay to Buffy Summers, your friend Oz has turned into a werewolf and is loose on the ship. Take whatever measures necessary.

Buffy: (VO) Um, sure thing.

Giles: Thank you. (The Doctor sets up the transfusion. Giles lays down on the next biobed. An hour or so later, the Doctor revives them both, they both sit up with that "what happened?" look.)

Doctor: How are you both feeling? (They each nod) Lucky thing Mr. Giles was here, Captain. You needed a direct transfusion from a family member. His blood saved your life.

Janeway: Mmm?

Giles: My thoughts exactly. Feel all right there?

Janeway: Yes, thank you. Still a little woozy. How much did you…?

Giles: Haven't the faintest idea. Doctor?

Doctor: Oh, a pint or two. Nothing he won't miss.

Janeway: Oh, Rupert. (Smiles at him and reaches for her hand, stops herself when remembers he'd used the term "family member", withdraws)

Giles: It's all right, Kathryn. Buffy's on patrol. (Groans slightly) Nobody messes with my favorite granddaughter without paying the price. (She gives him a weak smile, lays down)

(down in the brig, Buffy has Oz behind a forcefield, Willow's standing nearby)

Willow: Don't hurt him!

Buffy: Get a hold of yourself, Will.

(Spike is standing behind Buffy with full game face on)

Spike: I am so bloody happy I got to hit something (he jump up with a cheer of "Yes! Yippee!")

Buffy: Shut up Spike, before I take Mr. Pointy and stake you.

(Torres walked into the brig to see the with a stake in hand ready to kill something that looked like Spike.)

Spike: you're welcome to try, slayer.

Buffy: Come on and take you're best shot, Spikey-poo (Buffy lifts her arm and takes a finger and run it across her jugular vein in her neck)

Spike: That is it, I am going to kill you! (Spike runs toward Buffy with game face still on. when he reaches Buffy he places his hands on her shoulders. Spike falls to the ground with both hands on either side of his forehead.) Ahhh! Ahhh, that hurts!

Buffy: Ha, ha ! Poor puppy got neutered and can't hurt a fly with that chip in his head.

Spike: Damn chip, I bloody hate you slayer .(Spike walked out)

(After the doors to the brig , we see that spike is alone.)

Spike : I lied again slayer, I don't hate you. Far from it. I am in love with you. I could never actually hurt a hair on your head. However if the only way I can touch you is to play this game of cat and mouse, so be it. Oh, how I love you, Buffy Summers (as Spike says these last words a single tear falls from his eyes. B'Elanna leans in and whispers to Willow)

Torres: Do they do this sort of thing all the time?

Willow: Oh, yeah. Sometimes they go on for hours! It gets boring after a while.

Torres: Remind me of Tom and me when we were just getting to know each other.

Willow: And you say you're married?

Torres: Uh-huh.

Willow: Yeah, Buffy and Spike thought they were getting married once, and they still fought like cats and dogs. That was one of my bads though.

Torres: (gives her a strange look) Right. Well, that happens. I guess. Well, speaking of your spells, Mr. Giles has found a way to get you all home. Oh, look, your friend's back to normal. (Oz turning back into a human, steps forward, gets shocked by the forcefield.)

Willow: Oz, are you all right? I'm sorry for putting you in there. (B'Elanna turns off the forcefield and Willow joins Oz in the brig and they kiss. B'Elanna looks tempted to turn the forcefield back on)

Torres: All right, enough mushy stuff. Time to go back home.

Oz: What? We can go?

Torres: Giles and the Captain have been putting their heads together on this and they found a way to get you back.

Oz: Bet that's not all they put together, eh Will? (Willow hits him for being the sick-minded bastard that he is) Did I mention I love you?

Willow: Aww.

Torres: Ahem. You two, conference room, now.

Willow: Well, sure, "Mom".

Oz: Yeah, gee whiz, you're no fun.

Torres: Now! (in her "I mean business, mother would be so proud" voice. They jump up and follow her to the conference room. On the way there Willow knocks into someone carrying a stack of PADDs)

Willow: Oh, sorry. (helps her pick them up) Whoa, I'm sorry but I don't think I can get used to all these different people.

Doec: You're one of those people from the past, aren't you?

Willow: Um, yeah.

Doec: I'm Lieutenant Doec. I understand you'll be leaving soon. Hey, got any of those round flat black things you play music on?

Willow: No, but I think Giles has a load of them.

Doec: Wow. The replicators can't make them so I'm kinda out of luck

Willow: Aw, that's…too bad.

Doec: Well, the computer's got everything, but Lt. Paris tells me vinyl sounds so much better!

Willow: Hey, nice meeting you, I gotta go or Torres will get mad.

Doec: Whoa, I'd hate to make you get on her bad side. Bye! (and they part ways)

(We find all of the crewmembers and the Scoobies in the briefing room; everybody has sad expressions on their faces at the idea of leaving.)

Janeway: Seven are you okay? You look extremely calm and mellow.

Seven: I am fine, Captain

Buffy: You took a bubble-bath didn't you Seven? (Seven just nods at Buffy)

(Giles taps Buffy on the shoulder and hands her a weapon)

Giles: With the resources I had available to me, thanks to the computer on the ship, this weapon will allow you to kill the Aproticia demon.

(Buffy looks down at the weapon in her hand, it was silver and looked like a club except that on the head of the club were sharp razor blades all over it.)

Buffy: How do you kill it with this Giles ?

Giles : you chop its head of with the mallet.

Buffy : we have little time to waste let's go

Giles: everyone gather around so I can do the spell.

(Janeway walks over to Giles and give him a granddaughter style hug)

Janeway: Goodbye Rupert

Giles: Goodbye Kathryn (kisses her forehead) Oh Kathryn, I have been wondering, where is your Slayer?

Janeway: I don't have a slayer. Until you arrived on this ship I never know such a person existed.

Giles: I am surprised you never heard of a slayer seeing that you are on of my descendents. And all of my ancestors and descendants are sworn to train and educate the slayer of her destiny until the end of time.

Janeway: Well, maybe you and Buffy defeated all of the monsters in the past and the slayer is obsolete. (Buffy looks at Janeway with an odd expression on his face.)

Buffy: Impossible

Giles: Never made with it now we have to go.

Willow: You need some help with the spell?

Everyone: No, if you help for all we know we'd end up in Hell

Giles: (Giles begins the spell) Rosemary and thyme, minus the blood this time, let us return to our time. Mote it be.

(Buffy and Giles and the rest of the Scoobies' bodies slowly dissolve until there in just a shadow of their individual persons left on the ship. Within a few seconds that vanishes too. Then Buffy and the gang appear back in Sunnydale. By chance it is in front of the Aproticia demon. Buffy raises the club and quickly kills the demon.)

Buffy: No sweat, another apocalypse is avoided .

(Back on Voyager, Janeway is reading over Watching for Dummies, the table is cluttered with PADDs and empty mugs. Deciding she needs to stretch her legs, she pokes her head into holodeck 1. She finds Seven asleep in another bubble bath. She looks back at the PADD she was just reading and then back at Seven. There is a picture on the PADD, captioning it as the birthmark of the Slayer. Zoom in to Seven to show she bears it. Janeway smiles to herself and leaves)

Janeway: I guess I've found my Slayer after all.

1 Fin