Madara's Magical Quest For the Pokémon League Championship
AU. Crackfic. HashiMada and assorted other (crack) pairings hinted at. Mentions of cross dressing. All Madara wanted to do was become the Pokémon League Champion of the Hoenn Region. Was that too much to ask? Apparently the gods thought so.
This was done in less than two hours, and as the result of me looking up all the info about Pokémon Emerald. I know it's not exactly the greatest or the most entertaining story out there, so I'd really appreciate any constructive criticism, tips, or things anyone liked or dislike about it!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Pokémon. I do, however, own a Marshtomp named Muddy. It is my best friend!
Madara stared. There was no way, no way in hell that he was seeing things right. Madara rubbed his obsidian eyes, counted to ten, and stared once more. The object, the atrocity, the cad, the fiend, refused to leave his vision. Madara scowled, putting all the malice and indignant feelings he had into it.
Hashirama blinked. "Madara," he began, sounding slightly worried, "are you feeling alright?"
Madara gave a rather indignant noise, twitched, and, after four seconds of holding back, lost his temper. "All right!" Madara began, sounding as though the question itself was an assault on his Uchiha pride, "How on EARTH could I possibly be all right! Do you know what I suffered through to get here! Do you?" Madara screamed at Hashirama. Quite used to this, Hashirama waited. Madara would tell him, no matter if Hashirama wanted to hear or not.
Madara did nothing to change Hashirama's mind about this fact. "Don't even get me started on suffering, you Senju! And those stupid gym leaders of yours!" Hashirama made a noise at this point, but decided it wasn't wise to point out to Madara that those "stupid" gym leaders weren't actually his, and he had to defeat them all too…
Madara, however, was just getting started. "I suffered through cross-dressing stupid morons who had refused to shut up about art and then got into a fight with his freaking boyfriend about meaning of said 'art'! I had to deal with fighting obsessed, spandex wearing, bushy eye browed creatures from nightmares, only after finding some son of a big fat cat who was freakishly obsessed with rocks! Come on! They aren't that interesting!"
"After those two freaks, I had to fight some old coot, whose rapping skills needed more work than even Izuna's, if that's possible! Then it was on to my cute and cuddly cousin Itachi. How did he even become a gym leader! Kid's going blind I tell you, blind! You don't have to be a genius (like me) to figure that out! Just look at his taste in men!" Madara paused for a moment to take a deep breath, panting as he did so.
Hashirama, who by then had pulled up a chair, knowing this tirade wasn't going to end anytime soon, refrained from commenting. Surely enough, Madara began as soon as he had caught his breath.
"Then, after my cousin, it was a giant slacker! Seriously! Who falls asleep in the middle of a gym battle, I ask of you!" Hashirama didn't ask. "Then, next on the list was flying girl! Chick had pretty paper wings made for her! If you ask me, and anyone with any sense would ask me, thank you very much, she ought to fly her stupid blue mop over to a MENTAL institute. What a freak."
"After her were the wonder twins! I almost felt sorry for the shy one, because her so called twin, who was, for your information, really her cousin, was Mr. Prissy Pants, also known as Mr. Fate. Man that kid needed to get laid. Of course, the girl wasn't much better. Always twiddling her thumbs and making comments about some weirdo kid who wore orange. From what I could tell, it was Itachi's boyfriend's son. Damn, that's a mouthful. I can't wait to see how that soap opera turns out." Madara ranted, sounding pleased at the thought of the suffering that was to occur in the future.
By this point, Hashirama was trying valiantly to hold in his laughter. Madara looked, in his opinion, extremely cute while ranting. Of course, if he told Madara, he'd never hear the end of it. So he kept quiet and waited for Madara to resume his tirade. Madara didn't keep him waiting long.
"Of course, that last moronic gym leader I had to fight was Mr. Fancy Pants! How exactly he had so many fans is beyond me. He couldn't have been more flamboyantly gay if he tried. I mean, come on. It doesn't take a genius like me to figure it out!" Madara raved, waving his arms for emphasis. "And then, don't even get me started on those damn Elite Four!" Madara started, building up steam.
"First off, there's that creeper! I mean, dark obsessed much! I swear that kid is emo! Like there's anything less to be expected from Itachi's little brother, but still! I mean, come on! I'm more powerful than either of them! Of course, the brat also might be emo because he likes Itachi's boyfriend's son, who is currently interested in stutter girl of the Wonder Twins. Man, this plot just gets more and more bizarre, you know? Ha! I hope they all SUFFER."
"Then there's ghost chick!" Madara continued, his tirade steadily gaining volume and speed. "What a slut! Who does she think she is? Wearing that dumb, skanky outfit! She doesn't even have breasts! What an idiot!"
Hashirama was inclined to agree about the "ghost chick". Not about the scantiness of her outfit, or her lack of female appendages, but he was getting really tired of being hit on, despite having been honestly open about his sexuality. Apparently, gay men were more desirable than straight men. It must be the new fad of the era. Ho hum.
"Oi! Are you listening to me, you Senju bastard?" Madara shouted, effectively drawing Hashirama out of his musings about the desirability of gay men. He nodded, putting on his serious face, despite the need to chuckle about Madara's state. It was hard to take Madara too seriously when he was jumping up and down, stamping his foot, and pouting adorably.
"That's much better!" Madara said, oblivious to Hashirama's thoughts regarding him. "Now, on to the third of the Elite Freaks, who ought to be known as Ice Lady! Another prime example of someone needing to get laid very badly." At this remark, Hashirama's mouth quirked almost unnoticeably. "I mean, come on! What sort of creeper wallows around with those scary looking ice types, I ask of you?"
"Then, of course, we have the fourth of the Elite Freaks, captain oblivious! Seriously, here's the rule: anyone over the age of forty CANNOT go shirtless! Bleck! Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl!" At this comment, Hashirama could no longer hold back his laughter.
Madara glared. Hashirama laughed heartily, clutching his ribs. Every time he seemed close to recovering, he would look up, see Madara, who had, by now, put his hands on his hips in a totally masculine way, and burst into gales of laughter once more. This cycle continued on for roughly five minutes, until Hashirama calmed down enough to speak. Or at least, calm enough as deemed by Madara, who took hold of his opportunity.
"Senju!" Madara bellowed, striding over to Hashirama and grabbing a hold of his collar in an effort to lift him off the ground. Since Hashirama was four inches taller than Madara, this plan merely made them close enough to touch nose to nose. As he opened his mouth, most likely to begin his tirade anew, Hashirama took the opportunity to kiss Madara straight on the lips. This did the unthinkable. It shocked Uchiha Madara into silence, a feat never before even thought of.
Madara's eyes widened. He couldn't believe the nerve of that Senju! Of course, his plan wasn't working out well, no indeed it wasn't! Madara certainly wasn't enjoying the kiss, no sir. He especially didn't like how Hashirama's hands felt warm and safe, or how he wanted to snuggle up to his extremely un-sexy, hard, chest.
As Madara contemplated how much he wasn't enjoying the kiss, while simultaneously trying to deepen said interaction, Hashirama pulled away. This led to a noise from Madara, sounding somewhat akin to a puppy. Of course, this noise only made Hashirama smirk and, in one fluid movement, throw Madara over his shoulder.
Before Madara was aware of what happened, he was already being carried into the conveniently located bedroom off the main battle arena. As he sputtered and unsuccessfully tried to get down, Madara used his big boy words and screamed something akin to "Put down now!" Hashirama ignored him, and merely continued on his merry way.
Of course, the resulting exploits went down in history as the day a challenger and the Hoenn Region Pokémon Champion had an epic duel…without the use of Pokémon. (Which the Pokémon were eternally grateful for, thank you very much.)