A/N As some of you know I have been working to clean KMS up, fix all the errors (or at least most of them.) Kiss My Soul was my first fan-fiction and the amount of support and love you all showed for this story is truly amazing, thank you.
I am posting the cleaned up chapters, and will continue until the story in its entirety is posted.
The story will not change, but some of the wording will. I hope you enjoy the improvements.
Thank you for being such loyal readers and all the kind reviews I appreciate it more than you know.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Twilight, everything belongs to S.M.
Non-Cannon, OOC. Strong Language, Underage Drinking, and Sexual Situations.
I have made certain characters do and say things that greatly differ from the characters we have grown to love this is OOC. I have changed the characters of both Jacob and Edward. They are very OOC. Angry Jake, (redeemable) and Dark Edward.
Ch1: The Beginning
The line of friendship between Jake and I had blurred long ago, maybe it was never there.
I knew I needed to talk to him, but I didn't know what to say.
For weeks Jake has been telling me that I love him, trying to convince me of how I feel, telling me that I would know how I felt if I would stop being so stubborn and just admit it.
He's right I do and I am.
Even with that revelation, I'm still not ready for the kind of relationship he wants from me the kind of relationship he deserves. I cannot give him my whole heart, because part of my heart is lost somewhere between Forks, and wherever Edward Cullen is.
Jake deserves someone who is whole and right now, that's not me. I worry that it never will be.
I needed to talk to someone about all of this; I picked up the phone and dialed the only person who might have a sympathetic ear.
Hi Emily, it's Bella.
Hello Bella, what can I do for you?
I was hoping we could talk about something, if you don't mind.
The guys are all out, so if you want to come by now, we would have privacy.
I can be there in 20 minutes, is that ok?
I'll see you soon.
I knew Sam didn't care for me, but Emily was always kind to me and I was grateful for her friendship.
The pack was going to be another obstacle if Jake and I tried to have any kind of relationship other than friendship. Most of them hated me. Paul tried to attack me, and if it were not for Jake; Leah would happily tear me apart..
Jared just refers to me as "Pale Face" but at least it's better than "Leech Bitch" which is a favorite name for me from both Paul and Leah.
I pulled up to Emily's house; I swear I could smell the muffins I knew she would be baking.
Emily greeted me at the door before I even had time to knock. Emily always offered a smile and a warm hug; she will never know how much I appreciate her kindness.
Following her into the kitchen, sitting at the table, noticing this is the first time I have seen this table without giant wolf men sitting around it.
"Bella would you like some tea?" Emily asked.
Emily sat across from me, waiting patiently as I tried to think of how to begin this conversation. "Bella, it's not hard to figure out you want to talk about Jacob so why don't you start by telling me what is going on." Emily said.
"Emily, I don't know where to begin. Somehow everything is all jumbled up and I don't know what to do." I told her, and I could already feel myself fighting the tears that wanted to fall.
"Jake is my best friend, and he's been right all along, I do love him more than just a friend, but I don't think I can give him the love or the relationship he wants and deserves. I love him Emily, I really do, but I'm not whole and I don't know if I ever will be."
"Bella, Jake knows this. He's been there through everything; I don't think he expects you to give him anything more than what you are able to."
"But it wouldn't be fair to him, he's so good and I'm a broken mess."
"He loves you as you are. No one is saying for you to run off and get married and have kids tomorrow, what are you really afraid of Bella?"
"I'm afraid I'll be left again, with no one. I am afraid I am not good enough for Jake.
Jake deserves so much better than me." I admitted.
"Jake loves you, not who you might be, just you. As you are now, not as you will be later."
Emily's words made sense and I did feel better but there was something still holding me back.
"Bella, what else is the problem?" Emily asked.
"Jake wants to fix me, like I'm a car. I don't think he can simply fix me. Help me heal yes, he already is doing that, but I don't think he can fix me up. "
I don't think I am explaining it right... I said exasperatedly. "I think I understand, and I agree. You can't 'fix' people, but you can help them fix themselves."
"Bella, I think you really need to talk to Jake, Tell him what scares you and find out what each of you expect from the other. That's the only thing you can really do in this situation."
"Thank you Emily, I really am grateful for you talking to me." I told her.
I left knowing that I needed to find Jake so I could talk to him. I pulled up to the little red house that in so many ways felt like my own home and knocked on the door.
"Hi Bella, Jake's not here but he should be back in a bit. You can wait here for him if you want."
Billy told me.
"No, can you tell him I'm at the beach?"
I made my way down the path to First Beach and walked along the shore until I made it to mine, and Jake's driftwood tree. I was sitting there, trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to say when Jake walked up. As always gathering me up in one of his bear hugs.
"Cc...Can't Breathe Jake."
"Sorry Bells." Jake said chuckling.
"What are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy to see you." He said.
"I wanted to talk to you about some stuff." Jake looked nervous, but sat down next to me anyway.
"Jake, just let me get everything out, before you say anything... ok."
He motioned with his hands for me to continue. I guess he was taking the wait until I'm done talking thing seriously.
"Jake, you were right... I do love you more than just a friend. BUT, I am a broken mess of a person, and I think you deserve more. I don't even have a whole heart to give you, and that's not fair to you. I know you want to fix me and make me work right again. But I am not one of your cars; you can help to heal me which you already do, but fixing me isn't something anyone can do, not even you."
I looked at him, waiting to hear what he would say. He was still quiet and then I remembered I told him not to say anything until I was done. I would have laughed if it wasn't for the seriousness of the conversation. "Ok Jake you can talk now."
"Bella, I love you. I will take whatever you can give me; it will be enough because it is from you.
I do not want anyone else; I do not even see anyone but you. You are all I think about, the only girl I want. It's you, it's always been you." He said, with more conviction then I thought possible.
"Jake, I'm afraid. The last time I loved someone they left me broken and all alone. I cannot go through that again. If you were to leave me, I don't think I'd survive, you are the only reason I'm able to breathe as it is, if you were gone I wouldn't make it."
"Bella, have I ever left you? I would never do that to you. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to do that to you. You can't not love me because someone else hurt you."
He implored me to understand.
"Ok Jake, but we have to do this slowly. I'm not ready for anything more right now."
"We will take this as slow as you want to, no pressure I swear!" He said with a huge grin.
''Can I call you my girlfriend? '' He asked
"Sure, sure" I replied.
"Can I kiss you?" Jake asked me. I could not really speak so I just nodded.
Jake slowly leaned into me, looking at me allowing me time to change my mind, but I would not.
I needed him to know I was really going to try.
Ever so softly, he grazed his lips on mine in a chaste kiss lingering just long enough to hint at the underlying love.