Rules for the Smash Mansion
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Nintendo.
Master Hand, the one white-gloved hand, was walking along, carrying a plaque. He said to himself,
"This will be fun. Hopefully, they'll listen to this."
He put the plaque on the wall and left.
A few minutes later, Ness, the lead hero from Earthbound, was walking by and noticed the plaque. He said,
"I wonder what this is doing here."
He ran off to try and find everyone.
Minutes later, the entire Smash Mansion population is staring at the document. Samus said,
"What the hell is this?"
Peach studied it carefully,
"It looks like Master Hand wrote some rules for us to follow."
"Has he lived here long enough? Does he think these things will be followed?
1. If you must fight, do so in the arena and not in the mansion.
"I think it was that brawl between Falco and Fox that brought this up."
"Look who's talking. You, Roy, Ike, and Link got into that sword fight that nearly wrecked the pool."
"What about that cat-fight between Peach and Daisy?"
"That was cool."
"You said-a it, kid."
Peach scowled and slammed her boyfriend with a frying pan,
2. Whenever you use the refrigerator to get food, at least be considerate enough to leave something for other people.
"Kirby, Yoshi; he's talking about you two."
"Not just them; Bowser came in and ate my favorite pastry!"
"I was hungry, and I needed a midnight snack."
"And let's not forget how Peach binges on shrimp scampi in the middle of the night."
"Who told you that, bitch! WHO!"
Mario and Luigi moved into separate the two women. Ike groaned,
"I want to see another cat-fight."
3. Please do not use your attacks for anything else other than combat.
Mario glared at Bowser,
"That was-a the time you used your fire breath-a to light the grill-a."
The King of the Koopas shot back,
"Well, some of us like our meat a little well done, plumber boy!"
"Not to a-mention the veggies Peach uses!"
"What's wrong with my vegetables?"
"Don't you see their little faces on them?"
The princess rolled her eyes,
"Oh, you're one to talk, Pit. What about the time you and Sonic decided to run a delivery service? That lasted, what, ten seconds?"
"No. Fifteen seconds."
"Well, let's not forget Kirby and the time he had an idea for being a maid service. He tried to clean Master Hand's house and ended up swallowing it."
"Now, that was funny!"
"Oh, really? What about you, Ganondorf? What about the time you tried selling your magical abilities as part of a new show?"
The desert thief snarled back,
"Listen, Zelda put a curse on me. That's the truth!"
Link raised an eyebrow,
"I would think if my girlfriend was in to dark magic, I would know about it. Right, Zelda?"
Zelda only smiled knowingly.
"Can we all agree-a that renting Pikachu and Pichu as portable generators was a bad idea?"
The other Smashers nodded.
4. Snake, we are not all part of a conspiracy. Give it up!
Snake looked around,
"That's what he wants us to think. They're terrorists everywhere, and I'm gonna find them."
He pulled out a box and, hiding underneath it, began to skulk off. Peach said,
"I don't even want to know what that's all about."
5. Vehicles are not meant to be used as weapons without my say so.
Captain Falcon groaned,
"What was wrong with bring my F-Zero into play?"
Fox looked at him,
"You nearly ran all of us over in the process!"
The driver glared,
"Oh, really? You brought the Landmaster and tried to fire that thing off everywhere! And what about those Arwings that show up in your stage?"
The pilot shot back,
"Hey, Master Hand let it go! Besides, if you want to talk about airships, Meta-Knight needs to have his confiscated!"
Meta-Knight said angrily,
"That was not my fault! Kirby took a joy ride in it and it ended up crashing in the Mushroom Kingdom stage!"
"And let's not forget Samus' ship."
Samus grabbed the angel and pointed a blaster in his face,
"What about my ship, bub?"
The flying archer squeaked,
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
Samus smiled underneath her helmet,
She dropped him unceremoniously on the floor.
6. Samus; stop making bounty posters of people that annoy you.
"Wait, was this the time Mario accidentally ate Samus' cheesecake?"
"Yeah. It had my name on it!"
"Who puts their name on food?"
"What about the time Samus made a poster of Captain Falcon and posted a reward after he accidentally scratched her ship?"
"That was not the smartest thing to do, Falcon."
Captain Falcon shouted,
"It's not my fault! She was parked in a handicap spot!"
Samus looked at him evenly,
"Falcon, there are no handicap spaces around here."
7. Daisy, Peach; stop getting into cat-fights.
Everyone groaned at that one.
8. Link; stop getting into fights with Toon Link, or Young Link, or any other incarnation of yourself.
"Yeah, it's really scary when you talk to yourself and we find that there's no one in the room."
"It's Dark Link! I swear it's him! He's in here, right now, watching me! Praying I mess up!"
He then noticed Dark Link staring at him through the window. He roared,
"DIE, EVIL VERSION OF ME!"
Unsheathing his sword and raising his shield, he charged through the window and a brawl broke out. Samus looked at the princess,
"And he's the hero of Hyrule."
9. Wario, not everyone likes garlic. Stop putting it in everyone else's food.
Wario looked at the rule incredulously,
"What-a does he a-know about good garlic?"
10. I make the matches. If two or more Smashers have an issue and want to settle it in the arena, come see me first for my approval.
"I don't know what he's talking about."
"It was the time you said you were a better archer than me and you wanted to prove it."
"So that's what all those arrows were doing sticking out of Marth's tapestry?"
Marth was wide-eyed,
"You used my royal tapestry as target practice?"
"Well, it's not like you can shoot a bow, prince. I am the best archer there is."
Marth unsheathed his sword,
He began chasing Link all over the place. Link shouted,
"Zelda, save me!"
Zelda just went to filing her nails. Peach blinked,
"You're not going to help your boyfriend?"
The Hyrulian princess smirked,
"This is one of those things Link has to learn the hard way about property."
Daisy suddenly tackled Peach,
"This is for being a prissy little bitch!"
The two then began cat-fighting. Ganondorf put his arm around Zelda,
"So, baby. Doing anything later?"
This earned him a kick in the manhood. The desert thief groaned,
"I guess you disagree."
End of One Shot