I was inspired to write this story after I saw Kendall Schmidt and Logan Henderson's cover of John Mayer's Edge of Desire on YouTube. Because of this, I have created three music compilation videos that I will post on YouTube. These music vids will tie directly into this story. I urge you to view them after you've read the chapters where I make a reference to them. You'll know what they'll be, trust me. The songs and images I have chosen, I feel, add a bit more dimension to the story either because of their lyrics or because they reflect the mood of that particular part of the narrative. That is why I won't post them until the chapters that contain the songs come up in the story. Please enjoy the story and check out the accompanying videos on YouTube. The link appears on my profile page. Thanks everyone!
"Alright, Dogs! That's a wrap!" Gustavo bellowed into the studio microphone. "Take a couple of hours while I work out the next verse of this brilliant song," he told them.
The boys were all relieved at hearing this since their day had been extremely long and rough. Between rehearsing and learning new dance steps, harmonizing, working out, and doing interviews, their voices and bodies were in need of a good rest.
"I just need some beauty sleep," James said looking at himself in the sound booth's reflection. "I'm gonna go to my dressing room and I don't want to be disturbed!" he announced as he practically ran out of the studio.
"I think I need a Jamba Juice!" Carlos exclaimed. "Mmmmmmmmm," he teased to Logan and Kendall.
"Bring me one, will ya?" Kendall called to the back of Carlos' head. Carlos merely waved, acknowledging the request.
Logan and Kendall walked silently out, smiling wearily, betraying their tiredness. They headed down the hall to the lounge where they went for the snack machine. Junk food always perked them up ever since they were kids in school in Minnesota. Logan absentmindedly started to hum a song that he'd heard and could not get out of his head, no matter how much he tried.
"Hey!" Kendall exclaimed. "I've had that same John Mayer song stuck in my brain all day, too. Edge of Desire, right?" He started to harmonize with Logan offering suggestions as they went along. "You know what? We should totally sing this and post it. What do you think?"
"Sure. That would be great," Logan replied, never wanting to disappoint his best friend. "Just give me a minute and I'll be at your 'closet' in a few." Kendall chuckled at Logan's reference to the tiny office/dressing room/closet that the boys finally got Gustavo to agree to give them. They all needed a place to take a break, sometimes even from each other.
After a while, Logan knocked on Kendall's door. "Come in, Logan!" Kendall yelled. Logan entered the room to find Kendall changing his shirt. Logan immediately looked away. It's not that he was uncomfortable, since he'd seen Kendall with way less clothing on many times before. But lately, there was something inside Logan that was eating at him. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but he knew it definitely had something to do with Kendall.
"So, are you ready?" Kendall asked, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Huh?" Logan answered, still thinking about this uncertain something that was dominating his thoughts.
"Are you ready to rehearse this once? Then we can go ahead and post it."
"Yeah. Let's do it," Logan said with a big smile that he didn't really feel.
Kendall got his guitar and started to strum the song. He started to sing and Logan jumped in at the correct moments instinctively. As Logan sang with Kendall, he kept looking into Kendall's eyes. He became a little worried because he never wanted to be as close to Kendall as he did at that very moment. It has to be the lyrics of this song, he thought to himself. As they finished the second verse, Logan was keenly aware that he was no longer just singing with Kendall, he was singing to Kendall.
And it didn't help that Kendall hadn't broken his gaze from Logan. As Kendall sang with Logan, he felt that there was something different about his friend. He could usually read Logan like a book, but it seemed that he was holding something back. Maybe they were both just tired. It'll pass, he thought.
"That sounded pretty good, Buddy," Kendall offered, almost too enthusiastically, trying to break the melancholy mood the song evoked. "Let's record it".
Kendall placed the laptop they would use on the table in front of them. He told Logan that he wanted to introduce him before they sang the song. "Wait off camera until I call you," he explained. He turned it on.
"Hey everyone, I've got someone here that would like to sing a little ditty," Kendall said to the camera.
"Hey guys, we'd like to sing this song that has been stuck in our heads…" Logan couldn't finish. Carlos walked in and interrupted the session. Holding two Java Juice cups, he handed one to Kendall.
"You get Kendall a Java Juice but not one for me," Logan told him in mock anger. "Just sit down and listen, then". Carlos sat down behind the boys in the back of the room as they began their song.
Logan was grateful that he had his back to Kendall for most of the song. Some of the lyrics had hit him harder than he thought they would. And it didn't help matters that it was Kendall's voice that was singing to him, a voice he loved, belonging to a friend he suddenly desired. If anyone knows about desire, it's me and what I'm feeling now, surprising himself with this thought as they continued to sing. He dared to glance at Kendall only a couple of times during their duet, but that was enough to make up his mind. He had to speak about what he was feeling and thinking to Kendall. Maybe he would say something that would snap him out of these silly thoughts and set him straight. Kendall had always told him the truth. Logan counted on that.
After they were finished, Logan turned off the laptop. Silence filled the whole room. Logan looked at Kendall and opened his mouth to speak. He suddenly remembered that Carlos was in the room and stayed silent.
What was wrong with Logan?, Kendall thought to himself. Did he want to say something to me? But out loud he said, "That was great, Logan. What did you think, Carlos?"
Carlos gave them a "thumbs up" gesture and walked out of the room, sensing something was not quite right, but not able to put his finger on it. But they were the closest guys of the group and he was used to them having their own communication shortcuts and inside jokes.
Logan's heart was beating fast and he knew that it was now or never. He looked at Kendall who was putting his guitar in its case but glancing up at Logan expectantly. "What's up, lil Bro?" Kendall finally asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
"I wanna tell you something," Logan began. "Come sit down for a second." Kendall did as he was told with a confused expression on his face, eyebrow raised. "Kendall, I have always treasured our friendship. We have always had great times together, really fun times. I've confided in you and you in me. We've shared a lot and for a long time…"
Kendall was still not sure where Logan was going with this. All he knew is that he was beginning to feel a little worried and concerned as he watched his friend pace back and forth. He was also aware that he was feeling a little self conscious under Logan's stare. These were eyes that he'd never seen on Logan before: a little sad, a little scared, and a lot confused.
"Just tell me," Kendall prodded gently as Logan's voice became weak and trailed off his sentence. "Whatever it is, we can handle it and deal with it. I would never run from you. You know that."
Logan hoped that was true. "Lately I've been having these feelings. I don't know why or how. All I know is that I have them and they're scaring the hell out of me." He sat next to Kendall, afraid to look directly at him.
Kendall put his arm around his pal. Nothing that Logan could tell him would ever change how he felt about him. He'd already guessed that his friend was gay. This was the moment that he was going to come out to him, he decided. He was proud of his friend for trusting him like that. They had never kept secrets from each other. Then something he heard Logan say snapped him back to reality like someone had slapped him in the face.
"…and – and I think that I have feelings for you, Kendall. It's not sudden. I've thought about this for a while. It just took us singing together today for it to mesh in my mind… a-and my heart. I just couldn't pretend any longer. It hurts too much and I'm tired of it." A single, silent tear fell off his cheek.
Kendall turned and slowly removed his arm from around Logan's shoulder. God, what am I supposed to say?, he thought. I do love Logan but not like that! I never thought about it, though. I don't believe this. This is not happening! Why, Logan, why? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY! With his mouth dry and a lump in his throat, he turned to face Logan.
"Logan, I'm so glad you told me about yourself. Coming out can't be easy and I'm proud of you. But -"
Logan knew from the moment Kendall took his arm off his shoulders, he was doomed. That small gesture spoke volumes to him. His heart sank, not wanting to hear what he knew Kendall was going to say.
"I'm kinda flattered, Logan, that you would think so much of me. I just - when I try to picture you and me, I – it's just not – not - natural! We're friends, remember? Practically brothers, but that's all!" Kendall walked to the door sorry that his words had sounded harsher than he had intended. "I gotta go."
As he exited the room, Kendall heard Logan call his name, barely a whisper. But in that whisper he could hear his plea, his hurt. He couldn't stay, though. This was too much to handle right now. He needed to be outside, in the sun and away from Logan.
The door barely made a noise as Logan slowly looked up and saw his friend leaving him. It was too much to bear. The tears flowed freely now and his entire body shook with his sobs. "You said you'd never run from me," he whispered to himself. "I believed you, but you ran anyway!"
After what seemed to be an eternity, Logan sat up from the couch where he'd laid himself down and lost track of the time. He got up and walked into the small bathroom. He washed his tear-streaked face and blew his nose. Looking in the mirror, he couldn't help but notice his puffy, red eyes. He stared into his own eyes until it felt like there was someone else staring back at him, a stranger. A chill ran down his spine.
He snapped out of it suddenly, a single thought piercing his mind:
What have I done?
God, what have I done?