Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Glee writers and creators.
A/N: You guys would not believe how nervous I am about this. I really hope I did okay. Let me know. Oh, and Brittana-only fans will probably need to read my Faberry 'Reading Material' series to 'get' most of this. Regular=Brittany's words. Italics=Santana's. Bold=Questions.
Ducky and Satan
XxX41myeohmye14XxX's Sex Questionnaire
1. Name? Ra-I mean Libby and Q told us we should come up with code names. What is yours gonna be, S? This is lame. I think I'll use your special name for me. You mean your sexy name? No, my special name. Ducky. :) Brit Ducky. Gah, fine! Ducky, you swore not to ever tell anyone about that. I'm sorry. I can't think of anything else. :( Ugh. Fine. Mine is…Satan (and Q, if you read this, yes, that is just to piss you off). But you don't have one of those pitchfork things.
2. Reason for taking this? Libby and Q said it would be fun. Sexy Q (let's take a minute to make fun of that, please) said she scored like three times just filling this out. And a bunch of times afterward.
3. Sexual orientation (if you know)? There's a sex class? San, we should take it! They mean do you prefer girls or guys. Oh. I like Satan. :) …I like you, too, Ducky.
4. Which sex are the majority of your fantasies about? Missionary. That's what that position is called, right? They mean do you dream about guys or girls more. Oh. And yes, that is what that position is called. I dream about Satan a lot. How about you, San? Mostly girls. :)
Have you ever:
5. …kissed someone? Lots of people! This is the lamest questionnaire ever. I'm going to beat 'Libby' over the head with it when we're done.
6. Had sex? Lots of times. This questionnaire deserves to be set on fire.
7. Dry humped? My dog does that to my uncle. …Yeah, we've done it.
8. Been walked in on? Q said she was going to burn out her eyes. I don't think she should. She has pretty eyes. My mom wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. I'm sorry. :( That was with Puck—not your fault. Bastard remembers a condom but doesn't lock the door? Moron.
9. Had someone watch? I don't like being watched. I get all self-conscience. Conscious. Me, too.
10. Watched others have sex? I didn't mean to. Someone called my mom and she didn't lock the door. I hate seeing parents making the beast. Blech.
11. Made out at a dance? Lots of times. I think I'm getting a good score, San. Good for you.
12. Had sex at a dance? Almost. What? Karofsky passed out during. Does it still count? …No, I guess not. Have you? Yeah.
13. Gone to a hotel just to have sex? After that whole thing with Mom, I don't really have any other choice. I love the Days Inn. We should go there tonight. Maybe this questionnaire isn't half-bad….
14. Had sex on your parents's bed? That was fun, wasn't it? Yeah. Is your mom taking another long vacation soon? She said soon. Oh, we could eat popcorn in bed again! And watch 'Happy Feet'! Right. Or we could do other stuff.
15. Had sex with your parents home, without them knowing? I always tell Mom. You do? So she won't walk in. She buys me condoms. Oh…well…until Puck was an idiot, I did.
16. Had sex the first time you met someone? There was this guy at this club. He was really nice. He bought me breakfast. B-Ducky, what have I told you about that? Fucking strangers is a bad idea. STDs, and all that. I didn't have sex with him. I was just telling you about my morning. …Anyway.
17. Had sex at a movie? I find them distracting. They're talking about in a theater. Oh. That's even worse. But I didn't mind doing it to you. I know for a fact Q had to have gotten some by now. What am I doing wrong here? You could just ask me. :) Oh.
18. Had sex in a public place? I think we just did. The library is a pretty public place. Even if no one's here. That was fun. We should do it again, only this time you can Okay, try to remember that Libby and Q are probably going to read this since we read theirs…. But I thought you said we weren't going to tell them we did. Oh, right. Damn it.
19. Had sex outdoors? I had to quit. Bark is scratchy. Running away from the neighbor's insane dog wasn't fun, either.
20. Had sex while driving? I thought I was always driving when I do guys. They mean in a car. Oh. Backseats are small. You've never had sex in a car while it was driving? That sounds confusing. Gah, so much to teach you.
21. Had sex with chocolate sauce, honey, etc.? Nope. Me, either. Libby told me it's fun. I have doubts about Tranny's definition of 'fun.' She says there's shower sex afterward. …I may have to rethink my opinion of Libby.
22. Had sex sitting? Is that like when we do this?
Yep. I like this questionnaire. More than you like me? :( Of course not. :)
23. Had sex standing? Yep! S, do you think I'm going to win? Totally. :D
24. Had sex with a virgin? I don't think so. Karofsky was a virgin. Really? Yay me! :D How about you, S? Frankenteen—worst sex ever. Aww, can I make it up to you? I'm not gonna say no to that.
25. Had sex with bondage? Satan and I bond all the time, even when we're not doing it. They mean like handcuffs and stuff, B-Ducky. Oh. Yeah, I have. But only with S. I'm afraid other people will leave me tied up. I would never do that. I know. :D
26. Had sex with more than one person at a time? Yep! Puck wanted Libby to do it with us, but she kept saying no. Thank God for her prudishness. She likes prunes? Maybe that's what we should get her for her birthday. …
27. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at different times)? I'm confused. Yeah, Q said to skip this one. Something about unclear meaning making people cry or…I don't know. Oh.
28. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at the same time)? Yep! But I think I prefer it when Puck isn't there. Me, too. He's a moron.
29. Had sex with 3 or more in the same night? No. :( S, I lost one. This is a good one to lose. Really? Did you lose it? Yes. Barely.
30. Teased someone successfully for over an hour? Almost. :( I made it to 56 minutes. So that's what the stopwatch was about….
31. Done a striptease? Satan usually stops me before I finish. But she didn't when we did it on that webcam she bought me for Christmas. I hate you. :'( I didn't mean—gah, stop pouting at me! You know I didn't mean it that way. But I am taking the webcam back.
32. Seen a striptease at a public establishment? Does the choir room count? No, they mean like have you paid to see one at a strip club. Oh. Have you? Let's just say I'll never waste my allowance like that again.
33. Bought sexual aids? S won't let me. She always pays for them. Great. I'll never live that down when Q reads this.
34. Used sexual aids? Satan? Yes, Ducky? Why would you buy sexual aids but not use them? That…is a really, really good question. It was? Yes. :D
35. Seduced someone? Yeppers! But I think I lost my powers. Why's that? Cause Kurt turned me down even though he was dressing in farmer clothes. Yeah…we need to talk about that….
36. MADE your fantasy come true? Well…usually I just tell Satan. Is that making it come true? I guess. Yay, I don't lose this one! :)
37. Caused someone who was straight or gay to become bisexual? No, but S did me. :D Really? Yep!
38. Position? I like the missionary. How about you, S? I'll show you.
39. Dirty phrase? That was fun. :) Thank you. I like it when you sing to me. I thought you liked dirty talk. I do, but I like the singing more. God, I'm dating Man Hands. We're dating? …No.
40. Fantasy? I like the one where I'm a princess and you're my knight. How about you, S? We've never done the princess and the knight. I thought they were talking about fantasies in my head. :/ You never told me about that one. Well, now you know! :) I wonder where we could get a sword….
41. Did you like this questionnaire? It was fun. :D I won a lot. I still think it deserves to be set on fire and then fed to a shark, but since I scored (and more than Q—in your face), I'll let it go.
42. Will you pass this on? Are we, S? Probably not. We could give it to Artie and Tina. :) Yeah. It might be fun watching their skin turn purple and their eyes bulge out like Sesame Street muppets…. Satan? Yes, Ducky? Luv you. :) …Luv you, too.