Disclaimer: If I owned RVB, Tex would never have died in the first place.

Hey! It's Zephyr! Three guesses what my latest obsession is? Yeah, this is officially my longest fanfic. Fourteen pages of RVB crack-ness. What fun, eh? So I know that Tucker DOES get the sniper-rifle in episode...92? Was that it? I dunno. But I came up with this idea long before I finished the series. I think I was still watching season three when I caught this plot bunny. This is written in Tucker's POV, which was kinda challenging to write. As such, there WILL be language. Really, I can't imagine RVB without the swearing every ten seconds. So anyway, let the deadly tale begin!

This is starting to piss me off.

Seriously, why can I never get the mother fucking sniper-rifle? It's like Caboose and Church have made a pact to always keep them from me.

Then again, I wouldn't put it past Church to try it. And Tex is just as bad as he is, so there's no point trying to get it through her.

Let's get back to my first point. Even Caboose gets the sniper-rifle more than I do. Actually, I'm amazed he even knows how to use a sniper-rifle.

Like that time when we still thought Tex was a guy and was trying to take over the Red base so we could get our flag back? Caboose had it then. And Church has it more often than not.

And we all know how shitty Church's aim is, so it's not like having a scope is going to make much of a difference.

Moving on…

Church is always complaining about how I don't go on enough recon missions. Well, that's kinda because I never get the goddamn sniper-rifle. Seriously, I can't exactly perform recon if I can't use the sniper-rifle since I obviously need the scope to do so. This isn't rocket science, Church. It's not that hard to figure out.

Things have to change. And it looks like I'm going to have to change them myself.


Its a few days after I decide to try to get the sniper-rifle. I'm sitting in my room playing video games on the XBox when Tex shows up.

"Uh, ever hear of knocking, Tex?" I ask her. "Unless you're here for something else," I add hopefully.

"Don't get any ideas, Tucker." I can tell Tex is glaring at me. "Church wants you outside."

"What does he want now?" I roll my eyes. "I already stopped Caboose from bungee jumping off of the cliff."

"He said something about a shipment of weapons that came in from Command." Tex said, drumming her fingers on the trigger of her pistol. "He needs you to help move them to storage."

"And what about Caboose?" I'm trying to get out of work. "He can help, right?"

"Actually, I told him to work on fixing Sheila." Tex says.

"But Caboose can't fix Sheila!" I exclaim. "We had to have Lopez do that last time!"

"Not that kind of fix." Tex tells me.

"What, then like a dog?" I ask.

"No, Tucker." Tex sighs.

"When why is he fixing Sheila?" I ask.

"Church and I think she's going through some kind of mental breakdown." Tex continues.

"How can she have a mental breakdown?" I wonder. "She's a tank!"

"Look, I don't know." Tex leans against the doorframe. "All I know is that she's acting really strange."

"Well, shouldn't you talk to her, then?" I suggest, still trying to buy some time. "You know, have a girl to girl talk?"

"That's not the point, Tucker." Tex is starting to get impatient. "The point is that you need to help move the weapons."

"And what about you?" I ask.

"Uh, I'll be helping too." Tex tells me like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, you didn't exactly tell me that, Tex." I glare at her.

"Just get going, Tucker." Tex aims her pistol at my head.

"Okay, okay!" I exclaim, not wanting her to shoot my head off. "I'm going already!"

I follow Tex outside to the field where I find Church amongst at least a dozen boxes of weapons.

"What the fuck did we do to get all these?" I ask.

"Caboose was trying to clean the others and he destroyed them." Church tells me.

"Who decided to let Caboose clean the weapons?" I ask.

"He did." Tex says.

"I already made a mental note not to let him clean them again." Church tells me. "We just need to move these into storage."

"Wait, the storage in the basement or the storage on the first floor that always floods when it rains?" I ask.

"In the basement." Church answers. "Why the hell would we move it down in the one on the first floor?"

"I don't know!" I exclaim. "We've had to do it before."

"Let's just get this over with." Tex is clearly impatient, since she's already moving boxes.

"Impatient, Tex?" Church asks what I was thinking.

"I've just finished working on a new bomb." Tex tells us.

"A bomb?" comes Caboose's voice from the other side of the base. "A new friend for Sheila?"

"No, Caboose." Church yells.

"Then why would Tex make a bomb if it's not a friend for Sheila?" Caboose is confused as he wanders into view.

"To use it, dumbass." I tell him. "You do know what bombs are, right Caboose?"

"Of course I do!" Caboose answers proudly.

"Oh yeah?" Tex doesn't seem convinced. "Then what are they?"

"You use them to play tennis!" Caboose exclaims. "And Grifball!"

"Not really." I tell him.

"That's what the red guy said!" Caboose exclaims.

"Grifball isn't even a sport!" I exclaim.

"Apparently the Reds came up with it." Tex tells me.

Church sighs and says, "Just get back to Sheila, Caboose."

"How's she doing, anyway?" I ask.

"I think she misses Lopez." Caboose says.

"Which is very troubling." Tex shakes her head.

"I can't believe she'd choose him over me." Caboose says sadly.

"I wouldn't think about it too much." Church says as he picks up a box of ammo. "Just get back to her, okay?"

"Okay." Caboose is definitely depressed as he leaves.

"Way to crush the guy, Church." Tex says.

"Not my problem." Says Church as he walks into the base.

"Maybe we need to tell him that it wouldn't be possible anyway." Tex grabs a box of grenades and follows Church into the base.

I roll my eyes and say, "This is getting ridiculous," before moving towards the boxes.

It appears that we also got our regular shipment from Command as well. There are boxes of cannonballs for Sheila and food (that Caboose will probably eat in ten minutes) as well as Sheila's software upgrades and new treads.

I pick up a box and notice writing on the top: sniper-rifles.

Seriously? The first box that I pick up just happened to be a box of sniper-rifles?

Well, maybe things are finally going in my favour for once.

There's no way I can let Tex and Church know I have them. Church would tell me to put them in storage and Tex would probably use them herself.

I'll just put them in my room under my bed. It's not like there's anything else under there. Well, besides the porn and my stash of food.

Hey, I need to save some of the food from Caboose.

I'm walking up the ramp and am about to turn into the corridor where my room is when I hear footsteps behind me.

"What are you doing, Tucker?"

Why do I always have to run into Tex?

I turn around and see that she has her shotgun at my head.

"Why do I always find that damn thing at my head, Tex?" I ask her.

"What are you doing?" Tex repeats, not lowering the shotgun from where she's aiming at my forehead.

"Going to my room?" I phrase my answer like a question.

"With what?" Tex asks.

"Nothing?" I know she sees through my lie. Just like always.

"Tucker…" Tex has her finger on the trigger.

"Tex..." I say.

"Let me see the box." She says slowly in the voice that she reserves for when she's going to kill someone.

I sigh and place the box on the ground and use my foot to slide it across the floor to Tex. Her eyes are on me for a few seconds before she kneels down and opens the box. Once she opens the box and sees the sniper-rifles inside, her eyes return to me.

"Why do you have a box of sniper-rifles, Tucker?" she asks.

"Church told me to put them in my room." I say quickly.

"I'm sure he did." Tex obviously doesn't believe me. "Where did you find them?"

"With the shipment that just came in, obviously!" I exclaim.

"What's going on?"

Tex and I turn around to see Church walking towards us. I can tell he's agitated about something by the way he holds the pistol in his hand.

"Tucker was just going to put some equipment in his room." Tex explains to Church.

"Is that so?" Church faces me. "And what is this equipment, Tucker?"

"A box of sniper-rifles." Tex tells him.

"Sniper-rifles?" Church doesn't seem surprised by this. "Now why would you be trying to get the sniper-rifles, Tucker?"

"Because I never get to use one!" I exclaim in an annoyed fashion. "I don't know why I never get to, anyway!"

"Just because." Tex says.

"Actually, I don't know why you never use one." Church is clearly thinking about this matter. "Kinda like why we never let Caboose make dinner."

"Because he always burns the strawberry ice-cream." I explain.

"How the fuck do you burn ice-cream?" Church half-shouts in surprise.

"It's Caboose." Tex shrugs. "Are you really surprised?"

"So can I use the fucking sniper-rifle or not?" I asked exasperatedly.

"Fuck no!" Church and Tex exclaim.

"Why not?" I demand.

"It's tradition." Church says.

"It's a tradition that I never get the goddamn sniper-rifle?" I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"Exactly." Tex says. "You don't even know how to use one."

"Because no one's ever taught me how to use it!" I exclaim.

"Really?" Tex is surprised. "Not even in basic?"

"They thought I'd shoot my commanding officers and start a riot." I said with biting nonchalance.

"You would." Church says.

"I will if I don't get the mother fucking sniper-rifle!" I'm really getting agitated.

"Oh calm down, Tucker." Tex is clearly annoyed. "You can obviously work without it."

"What the fuck ever." I roll my eyes.

"So I will take these," Church picks up the box of sniper-rifles and starts to walk down the hallway ", and put them in the basement."

"Let's go, Tucker." Tex says as she follows Church down the hallway.

"Tex, make sure he doesn't get any more of them." Church calls from the basement.

"Got it." Tex says and aims her assault rifle at my head as she walks backwards.

"Seriously, Tex, that's getting old." I glare at her as I walk down the hallway. "Do you have a compulsive need to have that thing pointed at my head all day?"

"Quite frankly, yes." Tex answers as we walk down the ramp. "Because if I don't, who knows what you'd do?"

"Sit in my room, drink beer and watch porn all day." I say immediately.

"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me." Tex says. "Now let's get going."


After my first attempt, I waited a few days before I try again. I mean really, I don't want Tex and Church to get suspicious.

It wasn't like I didn't have anything to do, either. Caboose certainly kept me busy. For some reason that still escapes me, Tex decided to put him in charge of upgrading Sheila's software. Caboose kept interrupting my watching The Matrix so I could help him fix whatever he'd fucked up. What should have taken about twenty minutes took about three hours.

Note to self: never let Caboose do anything with technology. Ever.

After I spent what felt like forever helping Caboose upgrade Sheila's software, I went back to my room and am about to watch reruns of Lost when I get an idea.

Tex and Church are out conducting recon around the Red base.

Since they're gone, I'll be able to get the sniper-rifles. There's just one problem, though.

I don't know where the fuck Church hid them.

He'd originally moved them to the basement, but Blood Gulch finally saw the first rain in years, so of course the basement just had to start flooding.

I must admit, it was rather amusing to see Caboose wading through all that water trying not to get wet.

Now that Church has actually moved the sniper-rifles, I'll have to search the entire goddamn base.

This is going to take a while.

I've managed to get rid of Caboose by telling him to go talk to Sheila. I swear, he'll do anything for that tank.

I go to the living room and start by throwing the cushions off the couch. All I find are wireless controllers for the PS3, wrappers from Tex's granola bars and Caboose's gum, shell casings from when Tex and I were shooting at a target above the TV from the couch, some batteries, my iPod and a few of Church's Avenged Sevenfold albums.

And that's clean for the couch, mind you.

After searching through the boxes of video games (like they'd be there, anyway), I decide to search the kitchen. Maybe Church decided to hide some sniper-rifles in the pantry.

Then he'd risk Caboose finding them.

So I search through the pantry and don't find any sniper-rifles. I do find some of my Doritos on Caboose's shelf, which doesn't surprise me.

After learning that searching the pantry was a complete waste of time, I decide to give up on the kitchen. I mean, I really don't think Church would hide sniper-rifles in the oven.

Unless he's channelling Caboose, in which case we're seriously fucked.

I decide that maybe there's a chance that Church moved them back down to the basement. It's not very likely, since he'd be complaining about having to move them again, but it's worth a shot, right?

I go down to the basement, knowing that there's probably no chance that the sniper-rifles would be down there, but I'm still surprised by what I find. Tex and Church must've gotten the water out quickly because the floor is almost completely dry. The couches have been moved back to their rightful places and the TV is next to the foosball table. After looking at the target range, I think it's safe to assume that Church let Tex fix it up, since I can definitely see equipment that used to be in her room.

Don't ask how I know. You don't want to know.

Still wondering how Tex and Church would have furnished the basement so quickly without me knowing, I go up to the first floor and stop in the middle of the hallway. Where else could they be? I don't think Church would hide them in Sheila. Once again, there's always the chance that Caboose would find them.

I decide to go through the other bedrooms to see if they'd be there. I can't imagine that Church would put any sort of weapon in Caboose's room, so I think it's safe to assume that they're not there.

Tex or Church...which to start with?

I figure I might as well start with Church. Partially because his room is between mine and Tex's so it's less walking for me from where I'm standing in front of my room, but partially because I figure I might as well get his room over with.

I don't want to know what's in Church's room.

Figuring I might as well get it over with sooner rather than later, I slide open the door and look around for any booby traps that Church might have set.

Hey, when it comes to Church, you can never be too careful. And don't even get me started on Tex.

I slowly step into the room, making sure I'm not stepping on any grenades. I know I don't really want to die today.

Once I know that there are either no traps or that Church has disabled them, I start moving more freely. His room isn't as dark and emo as I'd expect. Actually, I thought he'd have posters of tanks and submachine guns all over the place, but he doesn't have anything covering the boring steel-grey walls.

He apparently didn't feel the need to repaint the walls when the rest of us did.

I search through his closet, only to find several boxes of grenades and other weapons mixed among the various video game consoles. He takes better care of them than I do. I swear to God, his N64 is in such a good condition that I'd swear he'd just gotten it out of the box if I didn't know better.

I don't find anything under the bed, either. Well, I besides video games and thousands of CDs. Christ, and I thought I was bad when it came to CDs.

I don't find anything in Church's room that tells me where the sniper-rifles are. I know what I need to do next. The problem is that I don't want to do it.

I'm sure Tex's room is going to be torturous.

I make my way out of Church's room and walk down the hallway before stopping at the door. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to condemn myself to sudden death?

For a sniper-rifle, fuck yes!

I slide open the door and, after looking around for traps, walk inside. Tex's room looks very different from the last time I was in here. Granted that was about a year ago when Church had me go wake her up for something. I was in and out in thirty seconds.

It was far too long, let me tell you.

I slide the door shut and look around, trying to figure out where Tex would hide a sniper-rifle. Knowing her, she'd hide it just about anywhere.

I check under her bed and find nothing. Well, besides her share of video game consoles and games. At least she doesn't play girly games, though.

Searching the closet doesn't shed any light on where the sniper-rifles are, either. All I find are boxes of gun cleaners. Not very promising.

Tex's desk doesn't have a lot on it. Her laptop is closed, the lid covered with stickers promoting various bands. A bottle of water lies next to a stack of books and for one reason or another, there's a screwdriver and a wrench sitting on top of a dictionary.

Okay, I'm starting to get worried.

I'm thinking about where else I could look when I hear some music playing softly. Where is it coming from? And why does it sound so familiar?

It's Tex's ringtone.

Holy fuck, I'm screwed. Why the fuck is Tex back so early?

"Where are you? I thought you said you were coming back a while ago…well, that's usually what that means, Church."

Apparently Church isn't with her. I don't know if that's good or bad.

"And why did you call my cell phone? Why not use the radio?" Tex is silent for a few seconds before saying, "Church, I don't think that the Reds are monitoring our radio transmissions!"

Sounds like Church is getting a little paranoid, if you ask me.

"Okay. Well, I'll just chill here for a bit." She says. "Hey, do you know where Tucker is? He's not in the base."

Oh shit.

"No, I don't hear anything coming from his room…well, it doesn't really matter to me, either…yeah, okay. Just let me know when you're done, okay?" she finishes before hanging up.

I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, which means that Tex is going to her room. There's just one slight problem.

I'm not exactly supposed to be in here.

I hide under the bed, moving the video game whatnot to the wall. Dammit, I should have taken my armour off. Oh well. Can't do anything about it now.

The door slides open and I see Tex walk inside and go towards her computer. I can hear her typing on the keyboard before her phone goes off again. I scoot over to see if I can see what she's doing.

She's looking at her phone as her fingers move across the mini-keyboard. After sliding her phone shut, Tex turns to the computer screen again and types something for a few minutes before standing up and turning on the TV.

How long is she going to sit here? Seriously! This isn't really the most comfortable of positions.

I see her pick up something from her desk and it takes me a few seconds before I recognise it as a game for the PS3. That's when it hits me.

Her PS3 is right next to me. Fuckberries.

I'm trying to scoot over out from under the bed when I see Tex's visor in my face.

"Tucker…" I can tell that she's pissed off.

"Hey, Tex." I try to sound casual, but I know that she's going to slaughter me for this one. "What're you up to?"

"What are you doing in my room?" Tex says slowly.

"Nothing?" My response is phrased like a question.

"Don't make me get my gun, Tucker." Tex is clearly annoyed.

"Is there something you're not telling me, Tex?" I can't resist saying it.

Tex grabs the shoulder of my armour, drags me out from under the bed and slams me into the wall.

"God dammit, Tex!" I yell. "Don't you think you're over-reacting a bit much?"

"Knowing you, I don't think I'm reacting enough." Tex has grabbed her Assault Rifle and now has it pointed at my head. Once again.

The door slides open and Church steps inside. He looks from me to Tex, then back to me and I can tell he's obviously confused.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"I thought I told you to let me know when you were getting back?" Tex's eyes are on Church, but she still has her gun at my head.

"I come in and find Tucker on the floor with you pointing a gun to his head and that's the first thing you say to me?" Church exclaims.

"I found him under my bed." Tex explains, finally lowering her gun.

"What the hell, Tucker?" Church rounds on me.

"If you didn't hide the goddamn sniper-rifles, then I wouldn't need to sneak into your girlfriend's room, now would I?" I somehow manage to sit up against the wall.

"We've gone over this, Tucker." Tex says.

"You're still going at it?" Church sighs. "Just give it up already."

"Not until I get the sniper-rifle." I say defiantly.

"Like I said, just give it up." Tex tells me.

"I told Caboose to upgrade Sheila's software again." Church says. "Go help him with that. You know he's going to need it."

"We just spent three hours doing that this afternoon!" I don't want to have to waste any more time with that godforsaken tank.

"Do you want it to be done right or do you want all of Blood Gulch to explode?" Tex questions. "Scratch that. I know what you'll say to that."

"All right, just stop bitching." I stand up and make my way out of the base.

When I get outside the base, I see Caboose talking to Sheila. About what, I don't know and I'd like it to stay that way.

"Let's get started, Caboose." I say, wanting to get this over with. "Church gave you the software installation stuff, right?"

"It's inside the tank." Caboose tells me before he whispers, "I think you should go get it."

"Why?" I wonder.

"Because Sheila's not exactly in the best of moods right now." Caboose explains.

"What did you do this time?" I ask.

"Absolutely nothing!" Caboose exclaims.

"Okay, fine." I say before jumping in the cockpit.

I'm about to insert the installation disk in the slot when I notice something on the floor by the gas pedals. I look down and that's when I see it.

A sniper-rifle. Church hid it in the tank.

I climb out of the cockpit, quite annoyed with myself for not having looked there before.

"Tex! Church!" I yell. "Get the fuck out here!"

"What happened?" Caboose asks.

"Caboose, when was the last time you went in Sheila?" I ask.

"Private Caboose has never driven me since the time when I killed Private Church." Sheila answers.

"Yeah, what she said." Caboose agrees.

"What's going on, Tucker?" Tex asks as she and Church run down the ramp and over to where Caboose and I are standing.

"Did you seriously think I wouldn't find the sniper-rifle in Sheila?" I ask.

Church exchanges a glance with Tex before turning back to me and saying, "What are you talking about, Tucker?"

"Oh, don't try and play dumb, Church." I roll my eyes. "I know that you put it there."

"So you found it." Tex says. "And what are you going to do with it now that you have it?"

"I'm going to use it." I reply. "Obviously!"

"Don't get any ideas, Tucker." Church says while I look in random places with the scope.

"Oh, don't be such a bitch, Church. Nothing's going to-" I say before accidentally shooting Caboose in the foot.

"Ow!" Caboose screams.

"-happen." I say. I can just feel Tex and Church glaring at me, so I say, "I'll just put the gun back in storage."

"Yeah, go do that." Church says as I walk back into the base with Tex following behind me.

"You don't have to follow me, Tex." I say as I walk to the storage room and put the sniper-rifle in its proper box.

"So have you gotten it out of your system, Tucker?" Tex asks me. "You won't go trying to steal it again, now will you?"

I look at her and say, "Seriously? You really think I'm going to give up that easily?"

Yeah, kind of a fail ending. But I hope it wasn't that bad. I have plans for a Grif/Simmons oneshot as well as a Tucker/Church (don't look at me like that...) deathfic that will kill me to write, but I hope it gets done sometime before the year is out. Thanks for reading! Reviews equal love.