Revenge Triple Whammy

Here is an unreadable comedy fic based on the suggestion of Whammy-Era Matt, Near, and Mello end up on their own somehow and learn how to live, laugh, and love together in a inexplicably yaoi-themed sitcom plot.

It's suggested by/dedicated to 9shadowcat9, who has been very supportive of my mental illness (clinically bad writing).

Very Slight MxMxN (this is your only yaoi warning) humor/romance.

I hope you like it.

Chapter 1: Burnin' Down the House

On a crisp autumn day in 2007, at Whammy House, Mello was bullying children outside, while Near played alone in the empty common room.

As the recess ended no one was summoned to the headmaster's office. People were probably summoned there on unrelated matters, actually. But no one was summoned on any matter pertaining to L or Kira, especially not Mello or Near.

For a long time, this remained the case. Until one day, Mello and Near were finally summoned to the headmaster's office on matters not unrelated to L or Kira.

The two boys faced the old man sitting behind the desk with either a grab-bag of emotions including apprehension, derision, angst, anger, and chocolate-cravings, or mild to severe disinterest, depending on which one you were looking at.

Unbeknownst, or perhaps super-beknownst to everyone (it's not really clear what happened at any point in Whammy House, except probably…defiantly… some yaoi.) Mello and Near remained L's successors.

When Roger had finished telling them the news, Mello asked him to repeat it.

"What did you say, Roger?" He asked.
"L has solved the case!" the old man smiled.
"Oh, just like he promised me he'd do." Mello said, with mixed contentment and irritation, biting the chocolate bar he had brought with him. "Nice."

Near said nothing and continued to assemble his blank puzzle.

"I wanted you two to be the first to know."
"Oh, well, thanks. Did he make me successor yet, by the way?"
"Wait, there's more good news." Roger continued, ignoring the boy.
"Eh?" Mello questioned with even more mixed emotions.
"Whammy House is cancelled." Roger said flatly.

There was silence for a moment, as leaves blew off the trees outside.

"What did you say, Roger?" Mello questioned again, stepping closer to the desk.
"You heard damn well what I said, you little shit. Stop asking me to repeat myself."
"Well... I mean… what?"
"I think that what Mello is trying to articulate, is a lack of understanding as to why Whammy house is, as you put it, 'cancelled'," Near interpolated, as he finished his puzzle.
"Oh, Near. I'll miss you least of all," Roger said with a faraway look in his eye, "It's because I'm going to Japan to be Wattari. Our benefactor, Quillish, is dead."
"Why do you sound so happy about that, you tool?" Mello shouted in disgust and irritation.
"Because I won't have to take any more bullshit from spoiled, whiny freakchildren. I've inherited all of Whammy's fortune, and I get to decide the fate of Whammy House. I've decided to burn it to the ground."
"You sick bastard!"
"What's going to happen to us orphans? I assume we won't be burned," said Near, with a measured voice.
"No, no. You'll all be shipped off to real orphanages. Poor ones. And crooked foster homes."
"You can't do this to us, you dick! This is America, I have rights."
"Mello, we're in England. We just speak this way because we're dubbed in America. And, I'm pretty sure that the institution employs some amazing lawyers, so for all practical purposes, I think you should assume that we don't have rights."
"I have an especially poor and cold orphanage picked out for you Mello. I hope you like Siberia, I hear it's boring this time of year.

And an especially dodgy-looking special needs foster home awaits you, Near. Do try to get along with your seven foster-siblings. Many of them have been through a lot… of juvie."

"Jesus, no." Mello breathed, while Near toyed placidly with a lock of hair.
"Iisus, nyet." Roger corrected.
"You're having way too much fun with this." Mello returned with mixed spiteful, somewhat-amused antipathy, and ever present disgust.
"Get out of my office," ordered Roger, as he cracked open the bottle of Glenfiddich private vintage he'd been saving.

He poured himself a stiff one and waved them out.

The boys looked at each other, unsure what to do as neither had been dismissed from any place by an elder since they got to Whammy House (I can only assume given the way that they act in the Manga introduction). But, being geniuses, they eventually figured out that they were to leave, and conceded.

They were not happy, though.

They seemed either, violently, viscously, impotently, angry, or mildly to severely disinterested, depending on which one you were looking at, as they walked through the heavy oak doors into the hallway.

Neither quite sure what to say, they simply looked at each other until they were interrupted moments later by a badly dressed redhead tooling around on a blue DSi.

"Sup, chumps?" He greeted. "Roger wanted to see me in the office."

They let him pass without a word, and without changing their haunted/unreadable expressions, or ending their stares.

"Ohhhh- kay..." The gamer whispered nervously, pushing open the oak doors. "Sup, old man." They heard before the doors closed again, blocking out all sound.

I haven't yet decided how long or good this will be. Reviews will help in that regard, as will faves, subs, PMs, and flames.

Ok, I love you, review now, thanks, bye.