Title: The Lemon – Part 2 of x
Author: Wicked Raygun
Summary: Buffy gets her driver's license and buys a car. The End is extremely nigh. BX
Disclaimer: Based on characters created by Joss Whedon. I am merely borrowing them to put on a puppet show. Watch them dance.
Spoilers: Takes place after the season finale of season 6.
Notes: This may or may not be funny. Please let me know.
Also this is un-betaed. All mistakes are mine. Please feel free to offer constructive criticism.
This story is dedicated to my wife, Jackie, who I am crazy in love with.
Distribution: Ask and you shall receive. Just email me and I'll get back to you quickly using new-fangled technology. See, I get email on my phone now. Surely jet packs and flying cars are just around the corner.
When the test was over, Buffy sat behind the wheel. She thought she did a pretty good job parallel parking this time, which was what kept flunking her. She swore those cones were deliberately placed way too close to one another.
Of course the proctor didn't say anything throughout the exam. He merely kept scribbling on his clipboard, here and there, punctuating each time he did so with a click of his pen.
Click. Scribble. Scribble. Click.
The sounds, to her oversensitive slayer senses, were starting to drive her crazy. It was an entire minute after she placed the car in park, before he turned to her.
"Congratulations. You passed."
Buffy squealed in excitement, hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"
The proctor mumbled something along the lines of "your welcome." Her reaction had flustered him a bit.
"Here, take this slip and hand it to Station C."
Buffy rushed into the double doors of the DMV. Once inside she spotted Xander, who immediately looked back at her with a question in his eye. She grinned and ran toward him, jumping into his arms for a hug. They laughed heartily, and he spun her around just for fun.
"Atta girl, Buff. I knew you could do it."
"Can you believe it! I have a license!"
"Not yet, you don't. Go and get your terrible picture taken, Missy."
Buffy laughed and then ran off to Station C. This was still the DMV after all and there was still plenty of bureaucracy to wade through.
Xander meanwhile turned to some people behind him, an evil look on his features. Several people looked back at him, all of them looking distinctly unhappy.
"Now, I believe the odds were five to one."
All of them winced.
An hour later, Buffy walked out of the DMV with a license, while Xander walked out with five-hundred dollars. Both of them were smiling.
The next morning, over breakfast, Dawn was staring at Buffy's license.
"It has to be a bad omen."
"What?" Buffy asked.
"The picture on your license – it actually looks good. Doesn't that violate some cosmic rule of the universe or something?"
Buffy flushed, looking slightly guilty. "I'm photogenic. So what?"
Dawn scoffed. "Please, my friend Janice is photogenic, and even her picture looked like someone smacked her in the back of the head with a two-by-four. The guy didn't even wait for her to finish sitting down before he snapped the picture. I'm amazed she didn't come out looking cross-eyed."
"Well, maybe I went on a less busy day," Buffy said defensively.
"Yesterday was Saturday. How is that less busy than any other day of the week?"
"Well, maybe the guy liked me."
"Or maybe," Xander said, from behind his newspaper, "She threatened him and his family with bodily harm."
"Hey! I never threatened his fam– uh, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about." Buffy punctuated her sentence with a hard jab of her spoon into her bowl of cereal.
Xander and Dawn shared an amused grin.
Dawn took another look at the license. "Still seems wrong though. I mean, it's not really a license if it doesn't have a crappy picture."
"Well, Buffy's criminal nature aside, it is in fact a license to drive light vehicles in the state of California." Xander took a deep breath, before continuing. "Which is why I'm taking Buffy to buy a car."
Wait for it—
"What?" Dawn screamed.
There you go.
As a counterpoint to Dawn's shock, Buffy had a dreamy smile plastered on her face.
"Why does she get a new car?"
"Well, first of all, Buffy is older and has a job that could provide her the money to keep a car." At that Dawn scowled at him. "And secondly, she's not getting a 'new' car. She's getting a used car. Something safe, sturdy, reliable—"
"I'm getting a Ferrari!" Buffy sang to herself as she bounced up and down, excitedly, not even paying attention to anything Xander just said.
"Of course, 'wildly impractical' is also a way to go."
"You're dooming us all. You do realize this, right?"
"Hey!" Buffy said indignantly. "I'm standing right here!"
Dawn spared her a skeptical look, and then turned back toward Xander. "Doomed," she said dramatically.
"I'm not dooming us all. Buffy's actually turned out to be a pretty good driver – amazing, yes, but true."
"Besides," Xander continued, ignoring Buffy's outburst, "I did the math already. It's cheaper for me in the long run to help Buffy get her own car than to keep dealing with skyrocketing insurance premiums. The Gecko has not been good to me lately."
Buffy seethed quietly. And Xander gulped.
"I said that out loud, didn't I?" he asked Dawn.
Dawn ignored them both. Instead she shook her head, and quietly mouthed the word, "doomed."
"You know, you really don't have to do this," Buffy said later in Xander's car. They were driving up to Sunnydale Motors, the only used car dealership in town. And during the trip she had gotten steadily more serious.
"Maybe not. But I want to."
Buffy sighed. "You know I won't be able to pay you back."
"Says the woman who's saved the planet more times than I can count."
"Hey, you're no slouch yourself there, Crayon Boy," Buffy said, teasing him a little.
Xander turned his head toward her and shook his head. After much cajoling, he had finally filled them in on what exactly had gone down on Kingman's Bluff with Willow. It was now a favored topic to tease him with, since he genuinely didn't think much of it himself. The girls, however, found it adorable. He had saved the world with his love. It was a remarkably Xander thing to do.
"But seriously, though, this is a big deal. Not to mention a little weird."
"Yeah, I know, the whole friendship and money thing. I'll admit I'm a little freaked at the idea myself. But at the end of the day, you do need a car, and I know that you've been saving up for this anyway, and, well, I want to help. And, besides, I'm really proud of you. You managed to accomplish something that's been nagging at you for years."
Buffy smiled widely at his words.
"Now, just promise me you'll never mention the yellow crayon again, and we can call it even."
"Not a chance in hell," she said sweetly.
Barry was a used car salesman, probably the best in the business, if he allowed himself to toot his own horn. The Sunnydale market was a rough one, but he managed to build his business, one sale at a time.
Of course, the occasional sacrifice to his demon god, Zeftu, didn't hurt any. Especially, when he made a point to be sure that his sacrifices had been his competition. Oh, sure, he didn't technically have a soul anymore. But honestly, he didn't even miss it. It was actually pretty liberating.
Sunnydale Motors was now the only used car dealership in town. And he aimed to keep it that way. No matter who he had to kill. It was a cutthroat world, out there. And he made a point to cut his share.
His business model, like all beautiful things, was actually pretty simple. The unusually high death count in Sunnydale meant that he could get cars at auction for a song. He made a point to pay particularly close attention to the obituaries. Fresh graves, usually meant shiny used cars for him to pillage. And if the grieving family wanted to hold onto their vehicles for any kind of sentimental reasons, well, then a little magical nudge courtesy of Zeftu made all the difference in the world.
And that was the other part of his business model. No one left Sunnydale Motors without a car. Period. It wasn't so much a slogan, as it was a mission statement.
Oh, he would do his best to sell a car without dipping into magic. He had his pride after all. But pride didn't pay the mortgage – and due to a creative little tax loophole, neither did he, but that was beside the point.
Walking along his lot, and humming to Bad Moon Rising, he noticed a car pull up and a nice, young couple get out.
Barry smiled liked a predator, straightened his tie, ran a hand through his hair, and then popped a mint into his mouth.
Time to pay the mortgage, he thought with a smirk.
End of Part 2
Author's Note: When you picture Barry, think of Bruce Campbell.