Degausser – D. Gray Man Fanfic

Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Friendship

Rating: T

Note: This is based WAAAAYYY before the newer chapters so is slightly AU. ^^ This is my perception of the 14th before he was actually revealed properly. :) Lyrics belong to Brand New.

DEGAUSSER CHAPTER 1: Goodbye to Sleep

"Goodbye to sleep
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Well, take apart your mind
Take apart the counting and the flock it has bred"

Lavi was quiet. Thoughtfully quiet with a distant look in his one green eye. His body was arched as his elbows leant against thick railings that lined the small balconies located across the new building many exorcists, finders and scientists affectionately called home. His chin was buried in his hands and his index fingers hid his lips. He didn't so much as twitch when Allen appeared next to him, asking what had him so lost in thought.

When he didn't answer, the younger waved a hand in front of the red-head's eye, "Hey, Lavi? Bunny? Oh dear, that sounds strange.. I know 'Usagi' means something like that-"

Lavi's laughter cut Allen's sentence short, "It means rabbit, bean sprout." He grinned as Allen flared up at the familiar nickname.

"It's Allen!" he declared, "Honestly!"

"I know, I know, it's just fun to mess with you."

Allen rolled his eyes and shook his head before fixing the older teen with a stare, "You didn't answer my question: What's on your mind?" he asked again.

Lavi's eye strayed from Allen's and he stared back out at the clouds, "It's not important."

"It's obviously something. You've not been yourself recently; even Kanda has noticed."

Lavi's eyebrows rose, "Yuu-chan's worried is he?" The red-haired exorcist grinned cheekily down at Allen, "Aww, I didn't think he'd get so soft!"

Allen grinned back, "Yeah, it was pretty strange hearing him ask what was wrong." His grin died down to a smile, "But still, it's not just him. Everyone is a little concerned. You can tell me, you know."

Lavi frowned ever so slightly, losing his own grin in an instant, though this wasn't replaced with a smile, "I don't know whether you'd want to hear."

It was Allen's turn to frown, "Why's that?"

The red-head sighed, he turned his head away from the sixteen-year-old before he spoke again, "The thing is.. I.. don't know whether it is safe for me to be here anymore." Allen opened his mouth to protest and Lavi seemed to sense it, "I don't mean safe from Akuma or Noah.

"I am Bookman's apprentice, I am going to beBookman when Gramps dies and he and I are worried that I am growing too attached to the Order. I'm growing a heart and I shouldn't have one. That's how it is supposed to be. Bookmen are a non-biased clan and always have been, if I grow a heart then I am being biased and I can't do that. The truth is.. I don't think I could manage to stay here much longer."

Allen's grey eyes widened through his furrowed brow, "So just don't get attached! Record for your documents but just ignore attempts people make to get close to you.. you don't have to leave-"

"It's not that simple, Allen!" Lavi fixed an icy glare at the railings and his knuckles whitened as he gripped them, "You should know of all people that it's not so simple! Look at me now! I shouldn't even be getting worked up like this but I am because I've grown a heart!" He went silent, his glare intense and chest heaving.

His voice was softer when he spoke again, "I don't want to hurt anybody and I don't want to be a failure to Bookman. That's why I am planning on leaving."

Allen too spoke quietly, hesitant to do so in case he made the older boy mad again, "W-where will you go? Your job is to record this war.. you.. you can't just give up on that.."
"I've been thinking about it. The Millenium Earl's side may be a good place for me to go."

Allen's eyes widened the furthest they ever had and his mouth dropped open as he stumbled backwards, "How could you even consider that?" he cried; disbelief flooding through his voice. Lavi made no intention of replying. "You'd turn against the whole Order, rather than just try to rid yourself of feelings?"

"It would be a benefit to the Bookman clan. Unbiased; both sides would have a record." The junior Bookman's voice was monotonous and he had resumed the position of holding his chin.

"You can't just do that! What is there to record? The total amount of Akuma the Earl creates a day? The picture of glee on the Earl's face as he learns of another exorcist's death? Can't you record that without being there?" The parasitic exorcist was yelling, his expression that of disgust, disbelief and fear all at once.

Lavi's own expression remained impassive, "There are things we do not know about the Noah and the Earl. I could collect this information."

Allen watched Lavi in horror. He could feel a fearful rage burning up inside of him and unleashed it on the older teen.

"You'd be fighting against the order! You may not consider us as friends, but we consider YOU as a friend! Do you think we WANT to fight against a comrade?" Tears of frustration found their way out of the exorcist's eyes, not that he noticed, "I've got a Noah inside of my head that I am terrified of! I'm terrified that it is going to escape and kill those that I hold close! How do you think it would feel to face someone that I consider to be a close friend as an enemy in my own mind?" He was panting shakily from the outburst.

Lavi had turned to him and watched the boy become more and more frustrated; his expression finally showing emotion: shock. The red-head bit his lip and turned away.

Allen clenched his hands and let out a cry, falling to his knees and slamming his fists on the ground, "I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT AGAINST YOU, LAVI!"

He shook with tears that flowed over his cheeks and marked the ground, soft sobs escaped his lips as a scene of him facing Lavi the both of them fighting with the intention of killing the other played itself in his head again and again. He looked up only when warmth suddenly enveloped him.

Lavi held the young exorcist tightly, squeezing his eye shut, "This is why I should be leaving.. I can't bear to see anyone get hurt, can't bear to see them cry.. I've seen so many people dying in wars spread throughout my lifetime... but somehow this war is affecting me the most.. I'm starting to feel.."

Allen pulled his fingers from the piano's ivory keys and clenched them. The Noah had ruined him. He wasn't scared of them, no; he'd never be scared of them. He was terrified of them. Yet they constantly beat down onto his head and played with his thoughts joyfully, enjoying the torment they caused the young exorcist. They continuously influenced conversation and provoked dangerous thoughts like they had done with Lavi that day, yet he felt that no-one understood just how much fear he held. Most, he thought, would describe it as hatred and he would admit that he did despise the Noah clan, but behind the mask of hatred stood pure fear. Why wouldn't they stop tormenting him?

He stared down at the keys with a saddened frown and a bitter dislike flooded over him. Never before had the exorcist been able to play the piano; he'd never so much as touched the instrument before, yet he was playing almost fluently.

The melody he played was one he had never heard before, yet simply flowed into his mind like a long lost memory with a bittersweet voice singing softly each time he played the melody. He could recite the lyrics as well as he could play the song now.

Allen found both abilities unnerving and it worried him to an alarming extent. The reason he could do this he knew by heart: the fourteenth was showing him how to play through the fourteenth's memories.

In every ounce of honesty this thought also scared him. He was connected to a Noah and he had already been told that one day said Noah would consume his body and be reborn. It had been his master, Cross Marian, who had grimly told him that when this happened, he would have to kill those he loved and it had been that which had spiked the fear.

Allen brought his gaze down to his clenched fist and tightened it.


He wasn't connected to the fourteenth – he was the fourteenth. The fourteenth's mind was living in his own, waiting and growing stronger as the days strained past his eyes and Allen could feel it. The stodgy figure that grinned down at him from his own reflection seemed to improve in aura every time Allen looked. Every day the blank white eyed stare grew more and more intense and the exorcist refused to look any more. He avoided windows and mirrors like a cat would avoid water and unknowingly, he started to isolate himself.

It was his fear that kept him isolated. The white-haired teen spent a lot of time in the ark; always by the piano and on occasion he would play it. It became a source of sanctuary for him as Allen grew more and more wary of the fourteenth's increasing strength. He didn't want to hurt anybody.

He hated the fact that the Noah was consuming him slowly and that he would eventually become one of them. Against the Order; against those he had fought so desperately to protect.

This was why he had been so greatly shaken when Lavi had confessed his thoughts of leaving the order to do exactly that. Lavi didn't leave in the end. Allen was glad he had at least convinced him to stay, even if the goofy personality appeared so much more unreal afterwards. But Allen respected that, after all Lavi was a Bookman and wasn't allowed to feel emotion, otherwise he would become biased. But the very thought of Lavi leaving for the Noah's side had shaken him and the cruel smile that stared back at him through windows and mirrors had never seemed so mocking before.

He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.

He hated the fourteenth. Hated him. The wrath he felt towards the Noah peaked with that particular 'super-human'. Yet in the end it would be inevitable; the fourteenth would kill him. He found it ironic, suddenly thinking as he half opened his eyes and leant back on his hands which he placed behind him on the piano stool. He found it ironic that he was doomed to die early from his innocence type and the fourteenth was going to kill him very soon.

He smiled sadly to Timcanpy who fluttered above his head, "Doomed from the start, Timcanpy... and to think.. I may not even make my eighteenth birthday.." Allen's attempt at humour was lost even to himself and his dejected eyes began to droop.

The golem looked alarmed as his master closed his eyes and swayed.

Allen often fell asleep in the piano room, often lulled into his dreams by his own musings, but being quite unstable in his position; Timcanpy could see the accident happening already. His master would fall backwards onto his head, knocking over the stool and maybe even bashing his legs against the underside of the piano as an added measure. The teen would suffer from concussion and a badly bruised leg and all because of an ill-timed spell of drowsiness. Tim landed on the piano's smooth lid and cowered behind a wing, waiting for the impact.

When the crash didn't appear, he looked out from behind the metal and stiffened in alarm.

Allen's eyes glittered with a golden hue. His forehead was lined with faint black scars and a grey tint began to slowly spread across his skin from the cursed pentacle hidden by his snow white bangs.

The boy's eyes glittered in the white light emitted from the long window to the side of the piano room; the emotion within them being soft and gentle fascination. They were wide and slowly traced the room as though he had never before set eyes upon it. His mouth was open ever so slightly and face was soft, void of anything but mild wonder. Slowly, daintily, he raised a hand above his head and gently turned it over; twisting it whilst carefully flexing the fingers. He watched his hands doing this with a sort of grace and childish fascination.

Allen then delicately stood and reached up towards the white ceiling before looking down at his legs in astonishment. He smoothly stepped from the stool and stood to a clear space in the room, a flash of amazement gracing his face. It looked to anyone like the boy was amazed that he could walk without falling over – the truth being that he was.

The British exorcist took a step forward then began to spin gracefully in the space. He closed his eyes blissfully, content now being the emotion radiating from him.

Timcanpy wobbled slightly, feeling dizzy after watching the boy spin for so long. He managed to pull himself together, however, when the exorcist began to speak.

"Oh, this feels so strange~!" His voice was incredibly soft, much softer than usual and was spoken like an eerie song, "Yet familiar.. I have indeed missed to feel the air upon my skin, dear Tim~!" He ceased spinning and giggled. The giggle was fluid and soothing with a hinted echo, "My artistic gene shows, I rhyme for you little golem." He giggled again, after smiling calmly at the golden ball.

"It does seem that young Allen has slipped from his consciousness and I have been given some time to explore~!" Glee sounded and the boy nearly skipped across to the door, "I have seen much of the order, but dear Allen is reluctant to tell me anything about it.. I wonder if I can find a tour guide~?" The song-like voice chuckled, this too sounding fluid and smooth, and made its way to the exit of the Ark. Timcanpy gathered himself together and darted after the Noah, catching him in mid-sentence.

"..conceal myself a little, I can communicate better with everybody?" He mused, glancing at his grey skin. The exorcists knew of the Noah and weren't too friendly and should he be recognized too early; they would surely cut down his fun and lock him up somewhere. Well, he thought, if they could stay alive long enough to do so.

The fourteenth closed his eyes and slowly, the grey tint contracted into the bright scar on his brow, Allen's pale and scarred skin now covering his body once more.

The grey scars did not fade and, as Tim saw when the sixteen-year-old re-opened his eyes; neither did the golden colour of the young one's irises. This however did not appear to faze the Noah as he smiled joyfully and continued to pad down the whitewashed street with a cat-like air to him, to a very familiar door to Tim and Allen. Normally it was surrounded with litter from the enormous quantities of food that the parasitic exorcist ate, but recently Allen had found himself to be losing his appetite rapidly and only forced himself to eat at meal times, knowing that failing to do so would surely kill him. So the stacks of empty plates and bowls and towers of empty crisp packets, sweet wrappers and mitarashi dango sticks had vanished after a very disgruntled Howard Link had cleared the mess up for him.

With a flutter of excitement in his stomach, the fourteenth stepped out from the Ark and into the Order.

His foot touched the metal grilled staircase and a shiver ran down his spine – he couldn't help but smile. He climbed down the steps with silent grace and left the room as a ghost. Nobody so much as glanced across at him and he doubted that they even knew he had left the Ark which delighted him further. The longer he could last without anybody acknowledging him, the longer he would be able to explore. He kept his excitement as a delighted smile on his host's face and brightly left the laboratory.

He felt similar to a child and could feel an ache inside him that pushed him to want to explore the huge castle before him at a rapid speed. He could imagine himself running through corridors, poking his head through doors and looking at everything with wild fascination showing clearly on his young face.

His happiness was increased as he sensed Allen's unconscious mind still lying dormant somewhere in the dark recesses of their shared mind. Not only was he undetected in his adventure by his host and other members of the order, but he was confident that he could keep the boy under control should he wake up. He had not had such time to be free in so many long years and there was nothing that would stop him from enjoying it.

A dark thought dared to cross his mind and for a second his eyes blanked and smile widened to become an expression of malice and dark mischief.

The more he learnt about the Order's people and environment whilst undetected... the easier it would be to destroy it later.