Men Fight With Their Hearts

Pairings are silly. This fic is even more so.

Based off Basara 3's scenarios - Everyone/Oichi - Nagamasa/Oichi - Hidden obvious-slash because I'm dumb - Parody/Satire

It had been a year or so since Nagamasa Azai had been shot dead in front of her at Okehazama.

Oichi could barely think of him without tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. Why? Why had Mitsuhide done such a horrible thing? Why had her brother allowed it? Surely, she would never find love again.

She stifled a sniffle, which made Mitsunari turn around to look at her rather coldly.

"What is it?" he growled, his train of thought having been derailed in a surprisingly violent way by the girl.

She jumped at his attention, and shook her head quickly.

"N-nothing! Ichi is sorry for distracting you!"she yelped, clutching her hands to her chest.

A scoff.

"Whatever. Just get out there. That damn Masamune Date is wiping out platoons faster than I can order them to attack, so I need you to get out there and give him hell so I can give Motonari time to get his men to flank them," he ordered curtly, waving his hand dismissively. So, Oichi is left standing for a few minutes in shock before running off to serve the man she has found herself allied with.

That Masamune, wasn't he there too? He knew her brother died...

And so Oichi found herself flinging about foot soldiers left and right with the shadowy claws that obeyed her will, cutting through the Oushuu army with ease. Soon enough, she found herself in Masamune's sight, who glares at her for a minute before he seems to remember who she is.

"You're that girl! The Devil King's sister! The one he shot!"

Too bad he remembered her like that.

He approached her, practically sauntering, and getting too close for comfort. Oichi instinctively backed up, suddenly uncomfortable under the gaze of the single blue-gray eye.

"You know, I'm really sorry about your husband. I never got to tell you that, you know? I'm really sorry about that. It's a real shame, you see?" Masamune put a hand on his chest for a moment, and Oichi can't tell if he's mocking her or not.

"It's so sad he left such a pretty girl behind," the One-Eyed Dragon added with a crooked grin and Oichi stopped backing up to gape at the man in front of her.

"W-what are you saying?" she stuttered, hiding her blushing face with her hands.

"I'm saying... Be my wife!"

Masamune made an attempt to take one of Oichi's hands, but was cut short by a yell and a fist to the face.

The girl blinked and stumbled backwards.

Yukimura Sanada had appeared from practically nowhere at all and had punched Masamune at full force, stumbling over a few feet before trying to regain his composure.

"Masamune! How dare you speak to her like that!" Yukimura chastised, shaking the hand he used to punch him with. "If you are to court a woman, you should do so in a formal way!"

The brunette then turned to Oichi, who jumped slightly in nervousness.

"Lady Oichi. Would you allow me, Yukimura Genjiro Sanada to court you? It would be an honor to be in the presence of the beautiful sister of the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, and would even more so be an honor to perhaps, one day, beseech your hand in marriage; for you are a beautiful and delicate woman, and as such, I, Yukimura Genjiro Sanada will cherish our time together, and hopefully, one day, you will find that I, the Tiger of Kai, will be a suitable husband in the wake of your honorable late husband, Lord Nagamasa Azai, who passed at the hands of the dishonorable Mitsuhide Ake-"

"You twat, she ran away!" Masamune snarled, dope-slapping Yukimura with one hand while rubbing his face with the other.

"What?" The young man in red balked, looking around.

It was true. Oichi ran away.

...During his profession of love to her.

Needless to say, Yukimura's confidence was shot, and even more so after Masamune asked him if he wanted to "make out" (whatever that meant,) after noticing Oichi had fled. He proceeded to punch him again before sulking off elsewhere on the battlefield, leaving the Oushuu captain with a bruised face.

Oichi was running as fast as her legs could carry her, away from these crazy men who asked to... What was it?

Be a wife?

That was enough reason to keep running.

Or at least until she ran headfirst into what she believed to be a rock. A rock that strangely resembled the chest of Motochika Chosokabe. Oichi then proceeded to make a sound that strangely sounded like a small animal getting stepped on. She stumbled away, and prepared to flee, but two large hands clapped down on her shoulders, and she glanced up to see the pirate looking characteristically cheerful. However... There was something disconcerting in that remaining blue eye.

"Ya know, Oichi, I've been thinking. I think you should call me 'Aniki'."

Oh yes. There it was.

Before Oichi could begin to think about stuttering a response, Mitsunari stormed up and grabbed Chosokabe by his shoulder and wrenched him off the girl.

"I don't appreciate you hitting on my subordinate, Chosokabe," he growled, securing his arm around Oichi's waist, who looked around in desperate confusion and for another escape route.

"If it's anyone, she should be with me, you dumb pirate. I'm the one who's going to rule this land, and it's only fair that she is lifted again to the status that was ripped from her by her brother, don't you think?" the general sneered, and Chosokabe looked more than a little irate, looking away, then back, and then doing a double take.

Mitsunari glared over at the man in front of him.


Chosokabe pointed behind Mitsunari and Oichi.

"Don't look now, but it looks like Ie-"

"IEYASSUUUUUUU" Mitsunari screeched upon hearing the first two syllables of his foe's first name, whirling around, practically pushing Oichi over in the process. Indeed, the leader of the Western camp was approaching, and Mitsunari did the thing that was most instinctual- pull his sword and scream about how damn unforgivable it all was, and charge towards his rival, shoving the girl to the side, immediately forgotten. She stumbled, and caught her balance in time to watch Ieyasu and Mitsunari charge at each other and for Ieyasu to run right past Mitsunari,(who, in shock, tripped).

Right past Mitsunari, and towards her.

She should have ran while she had the chance, but Ieyasu was so fast, trying to escape would have proved useless anyway. She didn't have foot soldier's chance against a 700 hit combo string.

So she was scooped up in his arms, bridal style, and was spun around as the Western army's general stopped to gloat.

"What the hell do you think you're DOING?" Mitsunari sputtered furiously, picking himself off the ground, pointing at them both.

"I steal people's wives now, it's what I do," Ieyasu chahortled, grinning at the two dumbstruck men in front of him, before turning back around and running off at full speed. It took two full seconds for Chosokabe and Mitsunari to take pursuit.

Ieyasu laughed, Oichi only clinging to him out of terror, as he ran off, Chosokabe and Mitsunari swearing profusely behind him.

The Western Army's general smirked, slowing down a little, after the two white haired men behind him eventually lost steam and fell behind. The girl in his arms was now covering her face with her hands, and was quaking in fear... and mostly fear.

"Awww, don't be afraid of me," Ieyasu teased, shifting the girl lightly, who only let out a stifled sob in response. He sighed, and looked around, and noticed a speck on the horizon.

A speck on the horizon that was getting bigger.

Ieyasu squinted.

Well, it was a man.


But who? He began racking his memories for anyone that wore red and white armor besides Motonari on one occasion. Who? It certainly wasn't Kotaro. And of course, it couldn't have been any of the Maeda, or any of Kenshin's men. He stood, lost in though, using one hand to stroke his invisible beard.

Oichi on the other hand, noticed who it was right away, and blushed crimson when she had a cleared view.

Then it hit Ieyasu.


Nagamasa Azai had just managed to maneuver a flying spin kick into Ieyasu Tokugawa's face, and catch his darling wife before she hit the ground as she slid from the offending suitor's arms.

"Yeah, I don't think so. Oichi is my wife. Sorry," Nagamasa snapped, readjusting the girl in his arms, who was covering her red face with her hands in contained excitement.

"And besides," he said, flushing lightly himself, and looking away in an attempt to hide it, "she's my bride, my brightest hope."

A pause.

"Aaand the only other person allowed to touch her is technically Katsuie Shibata, but... I'm not gonna get into that."

"Wait, what was that, Lord Nagamasa?"

Nagamasa sputtered something incomprehensible, Oichi giggled the tiniest bit, the previous statement completely forgotten and the loyal husband carried off his wife into the sunset, and many adorable awkward lovings were had, while leaving a plethora of brokenhearted badasses left on the battlefield.

But at least this time, Oichi got her happy end.

Because I've been writing too much weepy bullshit and Basara needs a few more silly pieces, as the series itself is exceptionally so.

Not meant to be historically accurate in any way shape or form.


And I think pairing off Oichi with other people is silly, because she's quite cute with her husbando, but that's just me. ;D

Also too much "Be My Wife" by the Beat Crusaders.

Between school, school and school, a R n' R would make my day!