Disclaimer: I own, and earn, nothing.
Warnings: General crazy. Don't read if you're not in the mood for crazy. Perhaps this is the beginning of a series of battle crack!fics between the team members. It's somewhat relaxing to work on when in the middle of another, larger, more serious work. But enough from me. On to:
Crack!fic – Abby vs Jimmy : Fight!
Jimmy careened off the cement block hallway wall as he tried to dodge at random intervals to avoid the remote control airplane dive-bombing his head. Getting struck by the solid-looking menace did not seem like a good plan, but he was more seriously afraid that whatever was bubbling down the side would burn holes in his skin if it touched him.
His feet pinwheeled for a moment as he fought to gain traction on the smooth floor in only his socks. He'd lost his shoes to industrial adhesive back in her lab. Lucky that's all he lost.
"JIMMY!" Bellowed Abby behind him, the clomping of her platform boots telling him she was catching up. He did not want to get caught.
"JIMMY! You tell security to let me out of the building!"
"I can't! Tony said you have to stay here until he gives the all clear!" He dodged down and to the left just in time; the plane smashed into the wall in front of him on the right. It hung suspended for a moment, the engine whining as it tried to restart, then the wings started to melt and the whole thing dribbled down the wall in a pool of burbling red plastic mess.
Jimmy jumped back to avoid whatever it was, and narrowly escaped Abby's grasping grab. Her appearance personified mad scientist. Mascara streaked down her face, her hair stuck up in patches, and her white lab coat billowed as she clomped behind him like a freakish monster from his nightmares. She was also waving a syringe. It seemed like a particularly large syringe, and was full of purple goo.
"Palmer, man up and hold still. This won't hurt you, it'll just make you a little…suggestible."
She grabbed for him again and scraped the tip of the needle against his arm. Wrenching himself away before she could get better purchase, he slipped and fell backwards on his ass – hard.
"Oww! Abby, come on, please! Stop!"
"I'd be happy to stop. Just call down to the front desk and tell them we're leaving."
"No!" Palmer scrambled backwards. Tony asked him to keep her here, and he damn well would!
As he found his footing and took off again, she screamed, "PALMER!"
It echoed down the hallway, seeming to feed back on itself, getting louder and louder as it went.
He seriously regretted getting her that last Caf-Pow and the box of Jujubes. He knew better than to feed her after midnight.
Jumping over the tripwire he had found earlier, he slammed open the door to the stairs and fled upwards two flights. He tried to hush his frenzied breathing as he paused at the doorway to the main floor to listen. If he could just get to the security guards at the front desk, they might be able to hide him.
Hearing nothing, he opened the door and slipped through silently, picking his way with care and keeping an eye on the wall for any small metal devices that may be capable of producing lasers.
Jimmy was afraid of lasers.
Really, anyone would be if they were being targeted by Abby.
Glancing ahead, he eeped and dropped flat to the floor. There was a large teddy bear on a desk between his current location and the security guard station. He had already seen what she could do with one of those and a bit of animatronics. Maybe this one held tear gas in its belly like the last one. Or maybe something worse…
Palmer slowly crawled towards the front door, belly scraping the brown stone tiles. He passed the bear without incident.
Already dirty and disheveled, he decided to keep crawling. Overall, this seemed the safest method of transit. With painful slowness, he approached the main lobby and his hopeful salvation. He peered around the corner – there they were! The security guards were in sight!
But this was too simple. There should have been more traps and pitfalls in this direction. It was a likely place for him to head to.
Jimmy's eagerness and exuberance got the better of him. Maybe he just got lucky! He closed his eyes and screwed his confidence up and made for the guards at a dead run.
They were eating bagels. As he slid to a halt in front of them, strawberry cream cheese plopped down on the desk. Tom, the guard, looked up at him in annoyance. "What is it, Palmer?"
"Tom! After Tony told you guys you couldn't let Abby out of the building while the team went after Gibbs and then she tried to leave and you told her she couldn't because she can't leave without me giving the all clear, she went CRAZY! She's after me, Tom – I don't know what she's going to do to me, but she's after me and sooner or later she's going to catch me. I don't know what to DO!"
"Jesus, take a breath kid. You're talking just as fast as Abby. It's hard to even understand you." Ray, the other security guard on desk duty at the moment, reached for the phone. "Just hold on a second and we'll sort this all out."
Jimmy felt a big doofy smile cross his face. At last! He'd been dodging Abby's attempts at persuasion for over two hours. Frankly, it was amazing he was still holding his own. It couldn't possibly last much longer without bodyguards.
Ray's conversation was short with whomever he called. "Yep. He's here. Sure thing." That was it.
Well, really…that was a little concerning. But he was probably taking it out of context. Jimmy gave a nervous laugh. "Guys, that sounds almost like you called Abby there. Scared me for a second!"
Tom continued eating. With a mouthful of bagel and masticated pink cream cheese, he said, "Was Abby."
"Um, okay. So you're going to have her come through here – maybe settle her down somewhere, help explain the situation to her? I gotta warn you, she's not in a listening mood."
"Shouldn't be a problem."
"Why's that? Do you know an Abby secret? 'Cause I could sure use one right now."
Ray stood and came around the desk.
Tom smirked. "Yeah, I do know one."
Palmer turned back to him. "Great! What is it?"
"Always agree with Abby."
Ray grabbed him from behind. Jimmy struggled, but he was no fighter. He couldn't move. Couldn't even reach any skin to bite.
Down the hallway he heard the unmistakable sound of rollerskates click-clacking on the tile floor. Heard Abby's raspy voice call out, "Get out of the left lane, fools!" and a muttered oath from the presumably slow pedestrian she had just rolled over.
She burst into the room, streamers on the back of her skates flying behind her, eyes wide and crazy. She cackled as she circled him.
As she approached the point of the circle furthest from him, Palmer dropped like a dead weight and twisted, allowing him to slip out of Ray's grasp though he left his shirt behind. Scrambling, he ran for the momentarily unblocked doorway back into the building.
If the guards were trying to catch him for Abby, it meant they wouldn't cross Tony's orders to let her out. Which meant that though they might not help him stay away from her, they would help him to complete his orders – they'd keep Abby here until he said otherwise.
He just had to survive until Tony had Gibbs. Really, his part of the deal should be easier than storming a farmhouse of armed thugs.
He heard click-clacking rapidly approaching behind him and looked around frantically for inspiration.
The fire extinguisher caught his eye.
Well, if this wasn't an emergency, what was? Taking it from the wall, he held out the short hose and pulled back on the trigger just in time to –
Well, actually, nothing happened.
He looked down at the shiny red contraption. Pulled the trigger again. Shook it. Still nothing.
He could hear Tom and Ray laughing. "He doesn't know how to use the fire extinguisher!"
He looked up to defend himself – it shouldn't be hard to use an emergency safety item! – only to see Abby bearing down on him, eyes intent.
Palmer threw the fire extinguisher at her. She dodged easily, though it did force her to veer away from him for a moment. She circled around, ready to make another pass. He grabbed the emergency fire hose and turned the crank.
"Come on, come on, I know how to work a hose! Fill up faster!" He nervously tracked the slowly expanding hose as the water made its way to the tip.
It made it just in time. Bursting forth forcefully, the water smacked into Abby, propelling her backwards against the wall. As the power increased, Palmer lost control and he, too, went flying. Backwards, into the opposite wall. He struck his head painfully and knocked his glasses askew. The hose, free from his grasp now, danced and writhed like a snake across the floor, spilling more and more water. The guards shouted in alarm and went after the hose, Palmer looked towards Abby.
He found her still against the wall, slowly unfurling from the ball she had rolled into. He must've hit his head harder than he thought, because she was multiplying before his eyes. Two – three – no, four wet Abbys braced their hand upon the wall and rose up on rollerskates that thankfully did not move well in two inches of standing water. All Abbys focused on him.
Jimmy sloshed around for a moment, trying to gain purchase on the floor. He gave in and stripped his socks off, finding it easier to move barefoot.
He couldn't put it off any longer. It was time to move this fight to his turf.
As quickly as he could, he made his way to the stairwell, and ran down to autopsy.
As he dashed into the room, he hit the HazMat button and the door slid closed, red lights beginning to flash slowly. She'd be able to bypass, but this might gain him an extra couple of minutes.
Was it a mistake to move the battle down here? He made a mental list as he continued preparations.
Positive: He knew the layout and content of this space much better than Abby could.
Positive: He felt more comfortable here, and confidence bred success.
Negative: There were a lot of large knives and tiny, sharp scalpels. He was a fair hand with a knife, but he really did not want to bring blades into this war.
Negative: There were not a lot of entrances and exits.
Positive: He could hide in a body drawer for a few minutes and rest. If she couldn't see him, maybe she'd assume he wasn't here.
Negative: But he'd hit the HazMat alarm. Why wouldn't he be in here?
Negative: Lying in the cooler sopping wet and wearing nothing but his trousers was COLD.
Jimmy got out of the drawer, shivering so hard he rattled into a gurney, which slammed into a tray of surgical implements.
He set about hiding all sharp tools and then made himself a pot of tea.
He was halfway through his second cup of a very nice jasmine when he realized it was far too quiet. What could she be up to now?
Nervous again, he went through the list of most likely suspects. Gas? Lasers? Poison? Corrosive acid? Embarrassing holiday party pictures?
Suddenly the intercom clicked on. It buzzed mutely for a moment. Then came Abby's voice, "Jimmy Palmer, this one's for you!"
And out spewed Dave Matthews Band.
SHIT! He had forgotten she knew about his kryptonite, how much he hated the nasally wailing tones and too-brassy fake rock/soul/funk/whatever. He tried to stay in the lab. To cover the speakers with blankets and medical tape and reconstruction putty. He wrapped gauze around his head and ears, but it kept falling into his eyes.
He could handle this. It was just noise. Noise he detested. His skin wasn't melting. His eyes weren't burning.
He lasted four minutes before crawling back into the body drawer and slamming it shut with him inside.
Who would've guessed that the architects of this building would have seen fit to include speakers in the body drawers?
Screaming in mental anguish and frustration, Palmer threw open the freezer door and half-fell back onto the floor. He skittered towards the door and hastily turned off the HazMat alarm, fleeing autopsy.
But DMB wasn't just on the intercom in autopsy.
It was on the intercom throughout the entire building!
He had to get out. Get away. The parking garages were off limits, he had already tried to escape there and they were thoroughly booby-trapped.
That left the roof. Towards which he ran faster than he had ever run in his life.
Bursting through the stairwell door onto the tarred roof, he sighed in relief. Silence!
Sanity returning, he also heard clomping up the stairs behind him. Crap! Abby had herded him, and now she was coming in for the kill.
He ran towards the edge of the roof, but there was nowhere to go. It was too far down to jump, there were no old-fashioned fire escapes to clamber down, and no convenient nearby roofs to leap across to. He spun, heart racing wildly, afraid he was finally defeated.
Abby slammed open the door and aimed a large gun at him. But the sun momentarily stunned her, causing her to cry out and lose sight of him. The large net she shot out of the gun missed him by inches.
And then, the cell phone he still had in his pocket rang.