A/N: The last chapter was...inadequate. Unacceptable. Stupid. Revolting in quality. Need I go on, or do I get the point? (Mind puzzle.) But I was just getting back into the flow of it all...so yes. Enjoy, worked extra hard on this one and did some explaining to accommodate the lack of the previous update.
Super Smash Bros: The Love of I
Chapter VI: Day IV, Gasolicous
"So, she threw you out your own window." Fox stated. He and Link were back in the king's dorm, Link lying in bed with his left leg in its cast. He bore a scowl on his face with his arms crossed, not pleased with his condition. Master Hand still had yet to send someone to fix his window, and the rain was slowly entering through the balcony. Snake had somehow recovered within the last hour he spent in the Infirmary yesterday.
He suspected Zelda had something to do with it. More or less, he found one of his last Blue Potion missing from his pouch, with a note inside containing a suspiciously familiar handwriting style. Then again, anyone could forge someone else's handwriting. So he had yet to actually figure out who was responsible, aside from the fact that Zelda openly told him her own actions, promising to replace it later. But in his current state of absolute paranoia, he refused to believe a blatant fact.
He turned to the Fox commander, face unchanging.
"No, she dressed up as the most horrible creature I know and strutted into my room. I, threw myself, through my own window, as a reflex." Link clarified, adding heavy feeling to key words. Fox leaned back in surprise.
"...Oooo-kaaaay." Fox stretched his reply with a hint of curiosity and worry, giving Link the most weirdest look he could muster, eying the hero/king as if he had lost his mind. Fox looked up to the picture of Ivy. She didn't seem all that bad, a little dark looking and seemingly sinister, but not lunatic. Hell, he even wished he met her. But after sighting a fur coat resting on the side of the chair she sat on changed his mind.
Fox had arrived this morning, just after Samus left to brawl and then spend time on her ship. He came to find out exactly what happened, and even though Link gave his utmost effort to explain the last few days...Fox knew he'd need a psychologist afterwords. Fearing that some kind of disease that causes insanity would soon overcome him if he tried to process the tale further.
Samus in her Varia suit, was currently battling Zelda. It was no surprise to her, nor was it to Zelda. Master Hand's most sold out fights often involved the beauty of Hyrule, and the seductive hunter from the distant stars. Why was it so popular of a match? Samus had a good idea, but refused to dwell on it. Not like pummeling Master Hand would change anything.
Zelda charged up her Din's Fire spell, ready to scorch Samus as she dashed towards the princess. Samus let a rocket fly, hoping to end the match quickly, but grunted in annoyance as the princess altered her style to Sheik and jumped away.
'She could've just used Farore's Wind, or whatever Link called it...' She thought, still finding magic a difficult thing to believe in. The Sheikah readied some needles and sent them flying, some managed to dig into the back of Samus Aran while others fell harmlessly to the endless void below the Pokemon Stadium.
Whipping about and brushing her back against a tree prop to remove the needles, Samus charged her cannon and shot just as Sheik landed. The energy ball connected, sending Sheik flying but not far enough. She caught the edge, barely holding on. The blast left her singed, and obviously drained of energy.
Sheik looked up, ready to pull herself away from the edge and continue the fight but noticed a pair of titanium alloy boots firmly placed before her. Her ruby eyes traveled up further, and with horror, she noticed the already recharged cannon of Samus Aran's battle suit. She closed her eyes and waited for the sting...
Instead, she received a kick to the face and fell back in surprise. Just before she hit the invisible boundary, she looked up at the bounty hunter, shock written all over her face, well, what little could be seen.
"What in Din's name was that fo-" She could not finish her demand before she passed the boundary and was teleported from the stage.
"Alright, next time I'll just blow your head off. Excuse me for lightening the blow." She muttered to herself, ignoring the overly cheering crowd and some idiot yelling something about marrying him.
It really made no difference to her how she ended the match, but she recalled Link mentioning something about...what was it...compassion? Something about compassion for the opponent's pride. Her thoughts were interrupted when the arena went black and she was standing once again in the Battle Preparation lounge where Sheik and Zelda stood, healed and all. All signs of the previous battle were completely reversed. The only thing left was whatever feeling from any injuries, but that would wear off soon.
"Well...Thank you. I think..." Zelda muttered, having heard Samus' last statement over the battle cam. Sheik; on the other hand, glared, rubbing the side of her cheek.
"...Thanks." She muttered, sounding ungrateful. Samus still couldn't figure out how they were two different people outside of the arena, but while within, they were the same. It was giving her a headache. Speaking of the devil, she made her way towards Link's room, hoping he didn't swallow all the aspirins already.
"Well, I'm going to go, uh, make sure Peppy isn't trying to teach Ness to do a barrel roll. Again." Fox muttered, making his way to the door.
"You mean he's still trying to get the poor boy to fly your metal hawks?" Link asked with a look of slight disbelief on his face.
"...No...I just couldn't think of a better excuse." the Star Fox commander replied with a grin. Link huffed to himself.
"Right. Such support..."
"Look, I'll bring Samus by early, that should cheer you up."
"Don't, just leave her be." Link replied.
"Alright. Wario then."
At the name, Link's face instantly became whiter than Infinite Mountain. His eyes almost popped out of his sockets with a shrill scream, grew legs and try to jump through the now repaired windows (courtesy of the WireFrame repair corp.)
The lone WireFrame figure who resembled Zelda's stance but took a shape similar to Samus' immediately grabbed all of its tools, shoved them into the tool box, and bolted past Fox at the mention of that horrible...thing. Fox looked at Link's face, almost thinking his sight was going bad. Last time he looked at the hero, he was not albino.
"You okay there, champ?" Fox tried. Link did not reply. He did not move. Someone dropped a black sausage in the hallway with a resounding splat that broke the silence. Odd, it's usually a pin... Fox looked outside the door to see Game and Watch still burning his meat over some flat, 2D grill.
'This mansion was never sane...was it. It's only a matter of time before I too am consumed.' He concluded to himself. As soon as he was back to his dimension, he planned on moving into his Psychologist's office.
Turning his eyes back to Link, he noted he was still white, but his nostrils seemed to have shrunk.
"Oh yeah. Wario and his gas. How could I forget?" He muttered to himself. Fox walked over and grabbed Link's shoulders. He tried shaking him for a response, but got no such reaction. He called his name, tried slapping, eventually punching but still no effect. He remembered...it.
*Two Years Before*
It was the anniversary of the Smash Bros core, everyone was having a good time enjoying themselves. Some, along with every Assist Trophy, sat in the dining hall and ate an endless feast, others watched a movie in the massive living quarters. There were no matches for the next seven days, it was Master Hand's way of thanking the smashers for their continued involvement in the tournaments.
Link wore a simple black blind fold and had the pin with a tail in his left hand. He jabbed at random angles, already puncturing Mario's hat, stabbing Marth in the chest, and deflating a balloon in his quest to hit the target. Samus stood on the other side, the hugest, goofiest grin on her face, alongside the few others who agreed to keep this encounter a secret from Zelda and Sheik. Snake smoked his cigarette and chuckled at the sight. Ganondorf roared in laughter while placing a ridiculous bet on the 'donkey'.
What Link didn't know, was that the donkey was actually Wario in a bent over position digging into the refrigerator. Samus knew he'd never forget this, and that he may never forgive her, but it was too good a chance to pass up. And besides. Link needed to loosen up, he was always formal and distant. This did not sit well with her sarcastic side she only showed when near him. Granted, he was trying to be open and accepting this game was a testament to that, but it would be boring without a big bang to end it all, a grand finale if you will. And thus, Wario's awkward pose, and unknowing voluntary for said finale.
"Just a little to the left, Link!" Samus called over the shouting, the betting and the music in the background. Din, Nayru, and Farore weeped for their hero as he pinched Wario's backside and watched as the kitchen area of the Mansion suddenly erupted with a loud, gross sounding noise and enveloped in yellow smoke.
Snake was melded against the wall, black charcoal like markings littering his face and his head ban and hair had been forced backwards. Samus stood still, eyes wide and her long blonde hair in a similar position of Snake's. She was utterly paralyzed and in shock, forgetting to hide behind something prior to her planned finale. The stink was probably what paralyzed her.
Ganondorf found himself in the television set, and the audience of the Living room were in too much shock of the sudden explosion to see. Falco was completely devoid of his blue feathers, and passed out. Bowser's shell was missing, but he was too busy trying to cover his nose and remove the stench from his nostrils to notice. Ike, who was walking into the kitchen at the time, found himself behind the door, pushed their by the dangerous gas. Wario had been launched into the wall, breaking right through the refrigerator and lodging his head in the stone.
Fox, who was currently spending some time with Krystal up stairs in one of the lounging rooms, fell out of his chair when the sudden quake erupted, thinking it was an earthquake. She too, found herself startled and hiding underneath the table with him. Fox's shyness overcame him and he fainted at the intimate distance of the two.
The unfortunate hero was still standing where he had been when he punctured Wario's buttocks. In-fact, as soon as anyone noticed such a feat, he fell back stiffer than wood. Upon hitting the floor, he even bounced as if he was a ply board. His eyes were wide open, the blindfold had disappeared, his face was charred black and half his tunic and his hat was missing.
Link was out for days in a coma, and no one would go near him until ROB and the WireFrame's cleaned him up. They had to use tomato juice to fully remove the smell.
It took a whole five hours for the WireFrames to dislodge a very, very, awful smelling Wario from the inside of the refrigerator. Falco hid himself in his room, refusing to come out until he had thoroughly cleaned himself and his feathers had regrown. Ganondorf and Bowser were too grumpy to approach after being affected like so from the prank. Lucas had nightmares that Zelda did her best to chase away, how she accomplished this, not even she knew. Ike, ate out from that day forward, not wanting to risk getting caught in another nuclear crossfire.
"Good times." Fox muttered with heavy nostalgia. Link still did not respond. Fox knew he'd regret this, but if physically slapping the Moblins out of Link didn't work, it was worth a shot.
At that, there was a sudden gush of wind that passed by his legs, a flash of colors, and Link was no longer sitting in the bed. Fox's eyes widened, all that was left was the sheets, Link's hat (Which he still had no idea where they found it after the events of...it.) and his cast which was still spinning on the floor. The anthropomorphic commander looked around, not seeing a sign of the Hylian warrior. Finally, he heard the sound of teeth chattering from the closet. With caution, he opened the door and switched on the lights.
Link sat in a corner, facing the wall and holding his knees to his chest, shaking profusely. He was muttering to himself as if he was extra hyper, his hair seemed to stand on end and Fox almost thought the name Ivy gave the Hylian too much literal shock. His head twitched, almost as if he was locked in this closet for years and had finally lost his mind.
"...find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place-!" Link continued to repeat to himself.
Fox's face had gone from surprise to neutrality. He closed the door to the closet and walked to the door of Link's room, whistling innocently. He'd just let someone else deal with this.
Samus stomped down the hallway, not really intending on stomping, but the weight of her Varia brought light vibrations with each step.
She continued to walk, seemingly in a not-so annoyed mood lately. Falcon wasn't stalking her anymore today, being a first, she took the chance to enjoy some peace of mind. She hadn't seen Snake at all, but she suspected he was back in Link's room trying to poison his head with some kind of romantic nonsense about her.
But for some reason, she felt like letting that go for now. If he was there, she'd go easy on him and just give him a boot out the door rather than toss him across the garden on the first floor like usual. The thought was tempting, but she just felt more...compassionate. Which is a weird feeling, but it kinda felt new and refreshing.
She passed by Marth, prince of Altea who gave her a curtsy bow into which she simply nodded in turn.
"Samus, may I have a word with you?" His soft voice suddenly called behind her. Not being in a hurry, and having not thought up a good reason to decline, she turned around.
"I would like to inquire about the health of your consort. I was hoping to face him soon in a match for his title." He stated simply. Samus' eye twitched at the word 'consort'.
"...My. What?" She said with great warning. Marth took a step back, he was told by Ike that Samus and Link were...romantically attracted to themselves, although that is an understatement of the story Ike described from whom he got from Ganondorf who heard from Snake. Ganondorf probably added some details that weren't true, however.
"I was under the impression that you and the king were...well...how best to put it..." He seemed at a loss of words, almost as if he was not even sure what he is trying to say. Apparently Samus however knew, she cocked her arm cannon in a deliberately slow manner and took her time aiming at Marth's chest. The prince began to sweat heavily at the notion.
"Who. Said. That." The scorned and now overly enraged huntress demanded slowly.
Now at an utter loss, Marth stuttered nonstop in an attempt to process his current situation, answer Samus' question, and find a means to escape an imminent missile being sent his way.
It didn't seem like it would bold well for the good prince.
Samus stormed into the room where Link was supposed to be sleeping and recovering. She strode straight to the drapes of Link's newly repaired window and practically tore the clothe from the bars holding them. The sun beamed into the room, lighting it up from pitch blackness to mid-day glow.
"Link, wake up. We have to talk." She growled like a tigress. Watching as Marth pulled himself off the drain pipe which he jumped to and climbed down in time to avoid the missile she fired at him. She took notice that she heard no movement or reply from her friend.
"Link." Still silent.
"Link?" This time, she turned around and noticed the bed was empty. She immediately removed her helmet and looked again. Still nothing there.
She grabbed the sheets and flung them to the side. What she found was an empty bed. She dropped to her knees and looked under the bed, still nothing. Then she heard it, the sound of clattering teeth coming from the closet.
She narrowed her eyes. With caution, she approached the door and grabbed hold of the knob. Slowly, she turned it and peered inside. Her jaw dropped. Link was in the fetal position, holding his arms tightly and shaking pretty pathetically.
She approached Link's form, still unsure what the hell happened, but he seemed so scared right now. Her first thought was doubting the power of that relic that supposedly gives him infinite courage. Her second thought was why he was in the closet. Her third thought was, 'If he doesn't slow down with those choppers, I'll grab some nuts and make peanut butter.'
"Link, get up." She commanded.
"Ganondorf wet his bed when he was young...Pin the tail on the donkey is evil...Chuck Norris is a lie..." He rambled on random thoughts.
Samus' was very weirded out by Ganondorf wetting his bed. What was even more of a mystery was how Link managed to find that out. Somethings were just not explainable. The another thought struck her.
'Chuck Norris is a lie...? Who the hell is Chuck Norris? Did I miss something here?!'
She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up. Doing her best to block out the rest of his ramblings from temporary insanity, she placed him on her shoulders and left the closet. She looked from the door to the bed and decided that carrying Link to Zelda in this...state... would only arouse suspicions and more...embarrassing rumors. Even though she was liking the fact he was utterly helpless at the moment and completely submissive, she decided to save his face and dropped him on the bed.
Deactivating her suit, she smacked Link's head.
"Ow!" He cried out. Upon seeing Samus in front of him, he added, "What was that for?!"
Samus shook her head. She forgot that he was in a state she had never seen him in before. Instead, she replied with a question of her own.
"...Ganondorf wets the bed?" She inquired. Link's eyes widened and he gave a paranoid look to both sides before whispering.
"...Who told you that?" He asked.
"You did. Why were you in the closet on the floor, blabbering nonsense?" She asked.
" I don't remember, actually...Wait, Fox was here earlier, he said he'd send...oh Nayru no..." Link answered in utter horror. Samus raised her eyebrow at his vague response.
"He'd send who?"
The door was suddenly kicked open and a short, stubby little man with a wicked lightning like mustache in a yellow hat and blue pull-overs stood with a sickly grin. The sudden smell of garlic and onions infested the room like a plague and the sinisterly small eyes of the fat Italian man narrowed darkly.
"Guess-a who?" He called in a sing-song voice.
Samus paled more than Link did. The memory of that day hitting her like a semi truck on the highway. Link grabbed Samus and jumped from his bed, making a mad dash to the window.
"Where are we going?" Samus called, immediately answered by Link.
"Through that window!"
"Without a ladder, are you insane?!"
"I had one installed by the WireFrames!"
"How are we talking so quickly, yet moving so slowly?" Samus asked in a frantic and almost accusing tone.
"I have no idea!" Link replied in an equally frantic with a hint of panic tone.
Wario turned around and leaned over. A bestial growl from his stomach sent the two friends into a frenzy. But before they could get out of the balcony and to the safety of the ladder, a small explosion could be seen from the planet's surface and everything went black.
Every smasher in the mansion was coughing harshly as the smell invaded their nostrils without mercy. Out in space, Fox gasped from his Arwing, feeling the tremor from the exploding gas.
"Master Hand! Wario blew up another room!" Red wined, deeply disturbed and very annoyed.
"Damn you, flatulence. Damn you..." A large, white gloved hand muttered in the Final Destination field.
A/N: The absolute, weirdest thing I ever wrote for the world of Fan Fiction. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to hide until the nuclear wave from Wario passes over and Samus stops hunting me. In the meanwhile, review at will!
I removed the fourth wall jokes, I feel they kind of killed this chapter, so they're outta here.