What. The. Hell. Renji sat up with his head spinning and tried to take in his surroundings, which was made difficult by the fact that they were practically nonexistent. White walls to the left, white walls to the right, white walls in front of him, and behind him…hello. A little patch of color slightly obscured by a large white table. Renji stood and unsheathed his zanpakuto. He slowly approached the increasingly more visible figure on the floor.
The figure looked like a person, but Renji couldn't be sure; there were too many physical deformities to tell for certain. The figure appeared to be unconscious so Renji poked at it with his zanpakuto.
"Mmm… Sebas-chan…" The figure muttered. Renji jumped back a bit as it stirred. He kept his sword pointed at the red-haired (male?) in front of him. The figure's eyes popped open and a look of disappointment spread across his face. "You're not Sebas-chan," he said.
Renji blinked but recovered his composure almost immediately. "Who are you?" he asked, sounding almost official. The figure sat up and grinned.
"I am the beautiful Grell Sutcliff and I am a shinigami to die for!" As he said this, he pulled out a chainsaw, spun around in a circle, and somehow managed to wink a heart out of his eye.
"Shinigami?" Renji said. "I haven't seen you before. What squad do you belong to?" his was a trick. It had to be. This thing had to be some new type of hollow created solely for the purpose of instilling so much revoltion into its prey or enemy that they are unable to do anything apart from stare on in disgust. Well, that trick wouldn't work on him.
"Squad?" said Grell. "I don't know what you're talking about. But that's not important. I need to worry about finding Sebas-chan right now."
"This… 'Sebas-chan', is he your leader? Tell me who you are!"
"Oh!" Grell shouted. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" He was now writing around where he stood. What the hell? Was he having an orgasm or something? "Yes! I would follow Sebas-chan anywhere!"
"So you admit it! What kind of hollow are you!" Renji pressed the tip of his zanpakuto to Grell's chest.
"How dare you threaten a lady!" Grell said. Okay. Something was definitely wrong here. There was no way this repulsive slime in front of him was female. "The proper way to greet a lady is with a kiss on the hand." Grell extended his arm and wiggled his fingers as though he expected Renji to actually put his lips on them. Instead, Renji snatched his hand away.
"What are you trying to pull, you—!"
"Oh, how amazingly aggressive! Just like my Sebas-chan! Again! Do it again!" Once again, he stretched his arm out. Renji was thoroughly annoyed now.
"I swear if you do not tell me this instant who the hell you are, I will be forced to show you my bankai and let me tell you, it's pretty freakin' huge!" At this, Grell became motionless, his gaze fixed on Renji, specifically the region in between his legs. Then, suddenly, Grell jumped at Renji, catching him off guard.
"Show me anything you want! Especially your bankai!" And again with the vertical writing. Grell grabbed at Renji's pants.
"What the hell are you doing!" Renji attempted to push the disgusting creature off of him, but somehow, their strengths were evenly matched. With a great amount of difficulty, he pulled free and took on a fighting stance. This guy was strong. He shouldn't have underestimated him.
"What a boring death scythe," Grell commented. "No originality al all." … That was unexpected.
"Yes! Your death scythe!" Realizing that Grell referred to the sword in his hand, Renji became extremely offended. How dare this questionably-gendered excuse for a 'shinigami' insult his (in his opinion) rather impressive sword.
"It's called a zanpakuto, you idiot! And it's perfectly original!"
"I love you!"
"There's no need to engage in silly arguments to prolong the inevitable Renji-chan. I know you're shy, but don't worry, I'll be gentle," said Grell.
"How do you know my name!" exclaimed Renji. "And you'll be gentle with what?" Grell put a finger to Renji's lips.
"Shh. There's no need for words." Renji felt himself moving backward but his legs buckled as his knees hit something and he collapsed onto a bed. When did that get there? "You're about to experience my death scythe. It can penetrate anything, you know." Somehow Renji got the feeling Grell wasn't talking about the chainsaw he held. The main clue was the fact that Grell was struggling to remove his pants. Yes! A distraction!
While Grell's attention was diverted, Renji jumped up from the bed and grabbed the other shinigami's death scythe with which he began hacking at the wall. Grell had said the scythe could penetrate anything, right? And so, after several grueling hours of slicing through the walls of the mysterious room, Renji's efforts were finally rewarded. He could see a glimmer of light! He had broken through! He was about to finally get out of this freakish white room! He jabbed one last time at the wall of the white room and on the other side was… a red room.
"Oh, how beautiful!" Grell said. "Red! It's the most amazing color in the universe, don't you think, Renji-chan?" Grell leapt through the newly created hole and started prancing around the red room. Renji just stood there with a defeated look on his face. The chainsaw slid out of his hand and fell to the floor. This was going to be a long, long day.