A/N: I never do these before a fic but I think this one requires some...minor explanation. The entire fic was born out of reading the phrase "The horror! The hot and horny, soon to be man on man humping horror!" on a community on Livejournal. My response was something along the lines of 'yeah I bet I can use that in a fic'. Bless you, Erika, for giving me a completely believable outlet for such a ridiculous urge.

If Walker's eyes were open, they would have betrayed abject horror. "You want to do what?"

"I want to make Shizu-chan confess his undying love to Iza-Iza!" Erika's eyes sparkled with an unholy gleam. "It's there! Why else would he obsess over Iza-Iza's every move? Why else would he go way out of his way to chase him? It's true love, I tell you! They just hide it under hate to keep the secret of their shameful love affair from the cruel, cruel world!" Clearly, she was on a roll. Equally clearly, her ideas were scaring the living crap out of her compatriots.

"Erika, that is NOT a good idea," Kadota said with a frown as he readjusted his bandanna. "Shizuo hates Izaya with an unholy passion-"

"Passion!" Erika interrupted, flailing her arms around. "Yes! It's PASSION! That kind of passion can only come from the flames of never-ending ardor! They just need the right nudge, the right encouragement to bring their illicit relationship into the open light!" Every word out of her mouth was scaring Walker even more, and if Erika could scare Walker that pretty much meant they were all in deep trouble. He didn't get any kind of a chance to object, though, because Erika had the metaphorical bit between her teeth and she was off and running. "So. HERE'S my idea..."

She was ignoring the increasing dread around her. Her male friends, however, were all quite certain this was going to result in Bad Things for all of them.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Erika. You are insane."

Kadota hissed his displeasure at his teammates, all of whom were staked out behind a hedge near the park. All you could see was the tops of four heads, and four sets of eyes watching the spot where Izaya was lounging around, apparently oblivious to their presence. "There is no WAY this is going to work!"

"Oh it'll work," Erika said with a grin. "It always works great in doujinshi-shh, here comes Shizu-chan!" They all quieted and watched as the blond appeared down the street. There was silence, then the roar they all expected, coupled with the scream of metal being wrenched out of concrete as Shizuo started stalking toward the park, street sign in hand.

"IIIIII-ZAAAAA-YAAAAA-KUUUUN!"

Izaya looked over from where he'd been very diligently filing his nails and smirked. "Aw, Shizu-chan decided to call my name out so lovingly from all the way over there? I'm touched!" He had to roll off the bench and hit the cement a moment later as that street sign sailed through the air, slamming into the bench right where he'd been sitting a moment earlier. "Tsk tsk. Is that any way to say hello?"

"I'm going to beat you to a bloody fucking PULP, you goddamn flea!" Shizuo was in rare form tonight, it seemed. He was wearing the savage grin he generally saved for his most all-out fights, his sunglasses already off and in his breast pocket. He reached over to yank another sign out of the sidewalk, ignoring the gasps and shudders of the people around him. It was quite obvious he was out for blood.

The only response Izaya had to that was a low chuckle and the glint of the streetlights off the knife he suddenly had in his hand. "Oho, but you have to CATCH me first, Shizu-chan! You can't beat what you can't catch!" Sure enough he vaulted right over the bench to dodge the sweep of the stop sign Shizuo swung at him, grinning. "Aw, Shizu-chan, so slow? That's not like you!"

("Seriously, Erika, we're just asking for trouble," Kadota said nervously, only to have Erika slap a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet.)

Shizuo lunged over the bench, throwing the second sign before taking off after a suddenly-running Izaya. They were sprinting around trees and behind streetlights, over benches and past garbage cans - which occasionally turned into projectiles as Shizuo threw them after the entirely too nimble person he was pursuing. Things seemed to be going the way they always did until Izaya started to sprint for the street - and promptly did something he never, ever did.

He tripped.

("Eeeeeeeee perfect, perfect, Iza-Iza hit the tripwires," Erika stage-whispered happily, bouncing in place.)

Shizuo, running at full tilt behind him, couldn't put the brakes on in time and promptly tripped while trying to pull up short. The two of them tumbled ass over teakettle into the grass of the park, landing in a tangled heap of long limbs and mutual antipathy. It took a second for them to right themselves; when they did the end result was Shizuo laying on his back, one hand wrapped around Izaya's throat, while Izaya straddled Shizuo with a blade to the other's jugular. "It seems we're at an impasse, Shizu-chan," Izaya said a little breathlessly. Shizuo was making it somewhat difficult to inhale properly.

"I told you not to call me that," Shizuo growled in response, tightening his fingers before stilling as Izaya's blade pricked dangerously into his throat. "Goddamnit, flea, why the fuck are you on top of me?"

"Why, do you want to be on top?" Izaya countered without batting an eyelash, smirking down at his 'captive' who really wasn't at all captive. The wheeze he made when Shizuo tightened his hold again proved that fairly well.

"Flea, you couldn't top me if you tried," Shizuo snorted softly. "Besides, you've probably got a small dick."

"Oho?" Izaya snickered at that one. "Not something you have to put up with, I can tell from here!" He bounced a little where he was straddling the other, just to prove his point. Shizuo's glare just got darker.

"Fucking hell, flea, that's your fucking fault," he snarled.

(At this point Walker was covering his eyes, closed or not. "Oh god, the horror," he groaned. "The-"

"-hot and horny, soon-to-be man-on-man-humping horror," Erika finished gleefully before poking Walker hard in the ribs to get him to shut up.)

"If it's my fault then I ought to be the one who fixes it, hmmm, Shizu-chan?" Izaya leaned down, as much as the hand around his throat would let him. "I can fix that problem for you, you know..."

"...goddamnit you little fuckwad," Shizuo hissed as he tightened his hand again, producing a gurgle out of the informant. "Fucking perverted bastard. We're in the middle of the fucking city!"

Izaya snickered as the blond released the pressure on his throat enough to allow him to talk normally. He leaned in further, lip curled in a smirk. "You're adorable when you swear at me, you know...I could kill you so easily right now..." Shizuo's only answer was a savage grin and another tightening of the hand around his throat. "Oh come now, you know I won't kill you now. Not with all these witnesses." By now he was bent down enough that he was almost whispering in Shizuo's ear. "But you're getting quite large in the pants, you know. Maybe you should let go of me so we can fix that problem."

Shizuo just snorted, shoving Izaya off him hard enough to send the skinny little informant flying several feet before landing with a thump and a grunt. He got up, rubbing away the blood from the thin line Izaya's knife had scored in his throat, going to kick the blade away from the other before grabbing the other man by the back of his jacket and dragging him off. Somehow Izaya grabbed his knife as he got pulled past it, but he was in a very bad position to do anything other than flail a bit in a decidedly undignified manner. "We're going to finish this shit but we're going to do it in private," he snarled as he dragged Izaya past where the four observers were hidden, ignoring the threats that were coming his way as they eventually vanished back into an alley.

Erika at least waited until they were completely out of sight before she shot to her feet, squealing in sheer delight. "Did you HEAR that? Did you hear Shizu-chan? He was dragging Izaya off to finish things in PRIVATE! See? It really IS boys' love between two men!" She was dancing in place, oblivious to the fact that Walker looked like his whole life had just flashed before his eyes and Kadota was all set to go puke his guts out. Togusa had gone to seek the solace of his beloved van to clear his mind.

Around the corner Shizuo half-flung Izaya against a wall, panting before he started to snicker. "They totally thought we didn't see them, didn't they?"

Izaya was outright laughing, doubled over holding his sides, ignoring the fact that he was going to bruise around his throat from the other's fingers. "That was...they were so obvious it hurt. I have to hand it to Karisawa, though, this is the most elaborate plan she's cooked up yet. Whew." He rubbed his forehead, grinning. "None of the guys believe her, though."

Shizuo snorted, walking over to haul Izaya up to his feet before planting a rough kiss on his lips. "Just fine with me. Now get your ass moving, flea, before I hurt you some more." He let Izaya turn around before swatting the informant right in the rear end, hard enough to make Izaya yelp and glare.

"You dimwit, I'm going to have that mark for a week," he growled.

Shizuo just grinned. "You'll have more than that if you don't get your skinny rump going." He watched Izaya scramble up the side of the building, waiting a couple of minutes before letting out his usual roar and chasing after. Sometimes it was just fun to yank the fangirl's chain.