This fic is a spin off to F.A.C.I! This is AU and I hope you enjoy it :) As you can probably tell by this chapter, this fan fic really isn't going to take itself seriously..


"It's been a long time since all of us have been gathered here." Greedling commented, looking at all the other homunculus and their Father who was sitting in the centre of the room. Envy just looked at Greedling like he was pissed off, which he was, Pride and Wrath weren't even listening to him, Sloth was trying to get up off the floor but was failing and Lust was babysitting Gluttony who was gnawing on some cookies. The only person in the lair who looked remotely happy was Father, who was sitting in his chair and waving a paper about.

"The reason you are all gathered here my…loyal…children-"He glared at Greedling, who only glared back-"Is because I have some great news to tell you!"

"Does it involve a new civil uprising?" Envy asked, suddenly interested. When Father shook his head, Envy sat down again and twiddled his palm tree leav-oh, sorry, I mean hair.

"Can I eat people Father?" Gluttony looked up in hope.

"Not yet my son."

"Does it involve…killing?" Lust maliciously asked.

"No…you all saw the success of my show Fullmetal Alchemist Celebrity Island, correct?" They all nodded. "Well, the producers have accepted my new Hit-reality TV show idea!"

"What is it?" Pride asked, without a hint of emotion in his voice. Father lifted up his hand and with the traditional purple beam of light, all of them were transported to a kitchen. There were seven small tables set up with a mixing bowl, a whisk, and scales. The rest of the ingredients were sitting on marble kitchen counters with a sink in the middle. Food cupboards lined the back wall.

"Why the hell are we in a kitchen?" All of the homunculus asked, except Lust, Gluttony and Sloth.

"It's my new TV Show and you're all the stars!" Father's eyes shone as he beamed at each of his children.

"Well, what the hell is this show called old man?" Greedling asked, pissed off that he had been tricked like this by an old man.

"It's called…Homunculus: Ultimate Chef!" Father declared. "Sadly, this show doesn't have a voice-over, so the host of this show is-"

"Oh my freaking god HAHAHAHAHHAHAAH! You guys have to cook! And wear aprons! HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA! And you're meant to be evil. I guess winning a TV show does get some bonuses with it." Edward walked into the room, clutching his sides and holding a microphone.

"Oh you have got to be kidding. That kid's the host?" Lust stated, glaring daggers (and soon her real ones) at Father. Father shrugged "It makes good TV you know."

"You guys, you have to change into your aprons and hats…BWAHAHAH I still can't get over that! If only I had a camera with me!" Edward laughed. After exiting the room, they all returned (Sloth rather slowly) with an apron on and a chef's hat. To really get into the spirit of things, Wrath had dabbed some flour on his moustache, but he did it sarcastically.

"Because I'm dressed like a prat on TV I want to know the prize of winning this revolting idea for a show." Pride calmly stated, adjusting his apron to fit on his child-like body.

"Right, right, you're prize is...you will have the other homunculus be your personal assistants for six months." Edward read off his cue card.

"Hehe, Wrath you'd have to do my laundry and you Sloth would have to run my errands." Envy clapped his hands in glee, imagining the sight already.

"Too...tired...this is...such a...drag." Sloth poetically slurred from his mouth. Edward only snorted. "Right, you little chef protégés! *snicker* Today's challenge is going to be baking chocolate chip cookies! Because when I think of an evil organisation, I think of them making cookies!" Edward muttered the last part to himself. "Oh and the two worst chefs will be eliminated from the competition. You have thirty minutes."

"Wait...thirty minutes isn't enough time to make cookies you little brat!" Greedling shouted. Edward grinned. "You'll have to find your own methods then. And, begin!" Edward shouted, pressing the start button on his stop watch. Gluttony just simply started to cough for a couple of minutes and once he had, he had coughed up intact cookies from his stomach which he had eaten previously as a snack. He offered five of them to Lust, who took them and put them on her work surface. Gluttonny did the same. Edward snorted. "As long as they don't have spit on them, I guess that can count."

Envy had gone outside to the garden and he saw a pathway to a shop. He ran down it and he faced a supermarket. He stepped inside, screaming "Get out of my way, you pathetic human beings! Aah, here they are!" Envy proudly declared, holding up a packet of luxury cookies. Not bothering to pay, and because no-one bothered to stop him, Envy slipped into the kitchen again quickly and poured the packet onto his working surface.

"Envy, it appears you've found the shop where we buy the groceries from." Edward carelessly looked at the brand labelled on the packet. "You picked a good brand too."

"You ain't gonna tell anyone are you?" Envy sceptically asked the chibi, who shrugged.

"Nah, I would've done the same."

Now that Gluttony, Lust and Envy had their cookies, Greedling went to the cupboards and found some brown and gold/yellow icing sugar. He took them back to his area and made four slight dome shapes with the yellow sugar. As he put the yellow icing sugar away, he found real chocolate chips and stuck them into the icing instead. He hadn't baked, yet he had his cookies.

Pride just walked calmly over to the food cupboard and absently stared in there. His plan was to kill off Envy so he could take his cookies, but when Pride looked in the cupboard he saw a packet of digestive biscuits. "Well, they're not cookies, but they'll do. This show is really flawed so far if they have these in the cupboard." Pride boredly muttered, taking a handful from the packet and dumping them onto his work surface, nibbling on a spare cookie.

So, those five homunculus had 'baked' their cookies in fifteen minutes. The other two, Sloth and Wrath were taking a nap. It wasn't really a surprise, none of the other homunculus could imagine them on a cooking show. When the time was up, Edward woke up Wrath and Sloth. "You two didn't make any cookies..hehehe." Edward told them. "That means by default you two have to leave Homunculus: Ultimate Chef! Sloth, Wrath, each of you hang up your aprons for the final time (or the first time in this case) and Father will eliminate you from the island."

They both took of their aprons and Father solemnly walked into the room and gave them both icy looks. "I'm disappointed in both of you." He raised his hand and them two vanished. That left Envy, Greedling, Lust, Pride and Gluttony in the rom.

"So...now what?" Envy asked boredly.

"Next time on Homunculus: Ultimate Chef, I'll make sure they bake for you! Even if it kills me...wait I take the last part back, that could actually happen. Until then, catch you later!" Edward spoke into a camera.


Well here it is, I hope you're not disappointed. I'll make sure they bake in the next chapter for you!

Fma crusher xx