"So we are finally at the final round of Homunculus: Ultimate Chef, how do the two of you feel?" Edward asked the two contestants.

"Thank God it'll all be over after we cook this dessert," Greedling sighed before grinning, "But at least I'll have you and the rest of the homunculus as my servants for six months. That is awesome!"

"What makes you think that you'll win?" Pride asked, "Just because I'm shorter doesn't mean I have no skill."

"HIGH FIVE!" Edward cheered before coughing and saying "Is what I would say if I was short, but I'm not, so let's just forget that."

"Do you two even know how to make a Chocolate Mud Pie?" Father curiously asked his two 'sons'.

"Yes!" They both replied a little too quickly. This caused Edward to raise an eyebrow.

"Does it involve actual mud in it then?" Edward asked.

"...You'll have to wait and see until it's done," Greedling replied hesitantly.

"Before we begin, do you two have any final words that you would like to say to our viewers at home?" Father asked. Greedling turned to face one of the cameras.

"People of Amestris, and others who are illegally getting this channel, I promise that I will not make you disappointed and I will win this for you!" Greedling declared.

"Don't worry, this fool will not represent the cooking skills of Amestrians...or homunculi for that matter. Intelligence shall prevail," Pride said.

"Oh! I just remembered that we received a note from Eliška, the main cleaner for this show," Father suddenly remembered, "She said if you spill salad and olive stones on the floor again she will personally hurt you."

"That's not much of an issue considering we're making dessert," Greedling shrugged.

"You two, for the last time, put your hats and aprons on," Edward solemnly said. Both of them put on their chef attire without a word.

"Begin cooking your dishes...now!" Edward shouted as the two ran off.


There was only two hours for me to cook and to prove that I am better than Pride at cooking. Plus, I really couldn't wait to have the rest of the homunculi and Edward as my servants. It would be the best six months of my time in Ling's body.

But I had to focus. Right now I had to make a Chocolate Mud Pie.

Which I had no idea how to cook.

What the hell was I going to do? I had to beat the little brat, but if I had no idea how to make it, he would win and I would be working for him, and there was no way in hell that I would ever let that happen. Damn, damn, damnit it all! I was stuck until I heard Ling speak.

Need help?

What's it to you brat?

There's no way I want to be beaten by Pride. Even if you're controlling it, this is still me body. Plus, I know how to make a chocolate mud pie because Fu taught me, so it's wise if you listen to me.

Wow kid, you weren't so into this before. But for today I'll listen to you. Take over kid!

No, I'll just tell you what to do, alright?

Thanks kid, I owe you one!

Listening to the Xingese guy was a much better option than losing, so I decided to listen to him for once. Hopefully it was good enough for us to win the competition.

"So what do I do first?" I asked out loud.

Let's see...make sure we have these ingredients: butter, sugar, two eggs, chocolate, cocoa, ice cream (preferably chocolate), whipped cream, vanilla essence, wafers...and chocolate chips.

"Right." Looking at my work station, I pulled the listed ingredients in front of me and to my delight I saw that I had all of them. Well this was off to a good start. If I had all of the ingredients it meant that Ling could be trusted as to know what he was exactly talking about.

"Well what's the next thing to do then?" I asked out loud. I preferred talking out loud to Ling because if I did it mentally it felt like I was going mental or something. Though the people who could hear me probably thought I was as it probably looked like I was talking to myself.

First get a bowl and melt and spread the butter on the sides of the bowl.

I picked up a butter knife (Damnit, how do I know the names of the knives?) along with the pack of butter and cut about one third of it from the packaging and rubbed it on the walls of the bowl which also helped to melt it. A few minutes later and that was finished.

"So which ingredients do I put into the bowl?"

Crush the wafers and have a mildly thick layer of crumbs at the bottom and up some of the sides.

"But why?"

That's the crust and what'll hold the rest of it in one place. Ling explained.

I shrugged and reached for a packet of wafer biscuits and placed the wafers in a small dish. I grabbed a tenderising meat hammer and happily smashed the wafers into small crumbs. When I had finished hitting the biscuits with a hammer (it is more fun than you'd expect) I poured them into the buttered bowl and spread them out as best as I could along the bowl. I didn't have enough crumbs the first time, so I repeated the process three more times until I finally had enough needed to cover the sides and base of the bowl well.

Nicely done. Now put that bowl in the oven for about twenty minutes.

I did as Ling said quickly.

"Is there anything I can do while I'm waiting?" I asked Ling.

"Yeah, you can shut up! Seriously, stop being so loud." Pride informed me, not looking up from the dish he was preparing.

"You shut up you bloody brat!" I shouted back, "You try having two people in one body...even if Ling is cool!"

"Whatever. Go away." Pride mumbled, still not looking at me. I sighed and turned away from the shrimp.

Aww, you think I'm awesome? Ling sounded somewhat delighted.

It's just because you're helping me and all! Don't think I like you. I couldn't say that out loud, it was too cheesy.

Hmm, well while we wait for the crust to finish cooking, I guess you can make the filling, or at least start it. Put the butter, sugar, cocoa, whipped cream, chocolate, eggs and vanilla essence into a large mixing bowl.

"Alright, give me a minute then," I grumbled as I pulled a large mixing bowl from a rack under my working station. I dumped in the rest of the butter, about four spoonfuls (it was a medium sized spoon) of sugar and cocoa in the bowl, a third of a can of whipped cream in, a bar of chocolate which was broken into small squares, two eggs and two spoonfuls of vanilla essence into the bowl. I won't lie, it looked like it was brown sludge and it would come to life and eat me, it was that monstrous. At least now I know how it got 'mud' in its name.

"Ling, it looks disgusting," I whispered so Pride wouldn't hear me.

It's meant to; it's not stirred, cooked or finished yet is it? Now stir them all together over a hot plate until I tell you to stop.

I turned on the hot plate and moved it to the centre of the table and put the bowl on top of it. Great, now it looked like it was melting. Still, I picked up a wooden stirring spoon and mixed all of the different ingredients together. At first, nothing too interesting was happening, but soon the chocolate melted, the eggs kinda...dissolved (or at least that's what it looked like) and so had the butter so everything was beginning to mix together. It was rather fun stirring it and watching the whites and the browns mix into one, and it did smell delicious. It took the majority of my will power not to scoop half of it from the bowl and place it in my mouth.

Greed. You can stop now!

"Hmm?" Apparently I zoned out, at least that's what Ling's tone was making me assume. I looked down at what I was stirring and saw a creamy, thick, light brown mixture in the bowl.

Which smelt really, really chocolate-y.

Sucks I couldn't have any.

Take the bowl off of the hot plate and turn off the hot plate.

I did as he said, taking the bowl of the hot plate with a towel around my fingers; no way were they getting burnt again.

Put it to the side to leave it to cool down. Now go to the oven and take the crust out of the oven.

It was wonderful that I had Ling with me, I nearly forgot all about the crust. I ran and took it out of the oven (with the towel still on my hands) and to my delight saw it hadn't burnt.

"Okay, I have the crust and I have the filling. What do I do with them?"

Wait a few minutes for the filling to cool down.

A few minutes passed in silence.

Okay, now pour the filling into the crust's bowl. Carefully.

I poured it in slowly so I didn't accidently spill any of the filling.

Now put that bowl in a freezer so it can cool down properly in time for the finish.

"Wait, we're done already? It's only been like what, an hour?" I suspiciously asked.

I guess the two judges under estimated you.

So I placed the bowl in the freezer and sat at my work station, with nothing to do. I made idle conversation with Ling about Xingese food, thanking Fu for teaching him what to cook and if unicorns were better than chimeras. There was about ten minutes left when Ling suddenly said:

Get the bowl from the freezer now.

I did, and when I opened the freezer I saw that it had almost completely solidified, but not fully.

"Funny, you'd think that it would be all solid by being in the freezer that long," I muttered, carrying back to my work station.

Okay, either leave it like that or put it on plates. I wouldn't risk it though.

"Fine, I'll leave it like this."

Good. Now put two scoops of chocolate ice cream and a dollop of whipped cream of top.

I did as he said but I accidently smelt some of the mud pie as I was placing the whipped cream on it. If I could barely resist eating it, I knew the judges would like it.

"Thanks bro," I told Ling.

D'aww, anything for my brother.




It sucked a lot that I was six points behind Greedling, but thankfully the gap was a lot smaller than it initially was. I still had a chance at winning this competition. However, I knew that Greedling would also want to win which meant he would try a lot.

The results were going to be close.

Thank goodness I was taken in as Wrath's adopted son and managed to live at a wealthy estate with a mother figure. Because I had to act like her adopted son, one of the activities we would do together would be baking, usually brownies or pastries for Wrath to taste when he came home. We also cooked Chocolate Mud Pie at least twice, so I had a vague idea as to how to go around making it.

The ingredients I needed and gathered in front of me from my selection of ingredients were vanilla ice cream, biscuit (or cookie) crumbs, sugar, butter, chocolate broken up into small parts, whipped cream and chocolate sauce. I reached under the table of my cooking station and pulled out a mixing bowl. In the mixing bowl I placed some whipped cream, three spoonfuls of sugar, some chocolate sauce and ice cream.

I grabbed a small glass bowl as well and placed that over the hot plate on my table. Once I turned the hot plate on, I put in some chocolate squares and left it to melt. While watching the chocolate to make sure it didn't burn, my shadows carefully stirred the other bowl.

After about seven minutes I saw that the chocolate had melted and was now a creamy liquid. I turned off the hot plate and my shadows picked up the bowl and poured the contents of it into the bowl with the whipped cream, chocolate sauce and ice cream. Now that the ingredients were together I could now focus all of my attention on them. I began to steadily and firmly stir all of the liquid ingredients together and after a while of stirring I saw that it was now a light brown, thick and creamy mixture. That was good; it was how it turned out when I cooked with my 'mother'.

I placed that bowl to the side. Now that I had the contents of the Chocolate Mud Pie ready, I had to make the shell of it so all of it would stay together. To do this, I retrieved a large plastic cooking bowl and coated the sides and base of the bowl with a layer of butter.

Once it looked like it was covered enough, I gathered the box of cookies and grabbing each cookie individually, I crushed them with my bare hands. When they were crushed finely enough, I sprinkled the crumbs into the bowl. It took longer than I would have liked, but eventually there was enough of a cookie crumb layer I was certain it would be strong enough to hold all the contents in it.

With this shell ready, I placed it into the oven so it could harden in the heat. I walked back to my cooking station and was planning on taking the other bowl in the fridge, I heard Greedling say "Is there anything I can do while I'm waiting?"

"Yeah, you can shut up! Seriously, stop being so loud." I stated to Greedling. Up to this point I had been able to turn his rambling voice into white noise, but now it was really starting to bug me.

"You shut up you bloody brat!" He barbarically shouted back, "You try having two people in one body...even if Ling is cool!"

"Whatever. Go away." I mumbled, determined not to let him interfere with my cooking.

Now that the simpleton had somewhat shut up, I picked up the bowl with the contents of the pie and placed it in the fridge. With the two main components of my dish out of my hands, I decided to clean up the cooking surfaces while I waited. As I was moving ingredients back to their places (various shelves around the set; before we would start cooking they were laid out on our work surfaces) I noticed there was a tin of fudge sauce. Deciding that it may come in handy later, I left it on my cooking surface.

Twenty minutes later and I checked up on the shell of the pie to see that it was finished. I quickly took the bowl out of the oven and carried it back briskly to my working area (I still hadn't completely learnt that the bowls would get warm after they were in an oven).

Inspecting the shell in more detail back at my area, I saw that although it had solidified and had hardened, it still wouldn't be strong enough to remain as one piece if I moved it out of the bowl it was in. Which meant I would have to be extremely careful when pouring the pie's contents into the bowl. However, it smelt divine so I had a hunch it would taste just as good.

With half an hour left to finish cooking, I hesitantly checked the bowl in the fridge to see it had set and to my displeasure it looked like it had not completely set and was a little bit liquid-y. Looks like I'd just have to try and work with that.

Once I had a steady grip of the bowl with the liquids and it was perfectly positioned over the shell, I slowly and carefully poured it in, praying that the shell wouldn't break. To my surprise I found that I was actually nervous. That was rather odd. Luckily though it all went well and it was in one piece.

It was finished, but I had about ten minutes left and I was left fidgeting and wondering if there was any way I could improve my dish. My eyes then wondered to the fudge sauce. I knew it would come in handy! I opened the tin of it and poured some of it over the pie. I had never tasted Chocolate Mud Pie with fudge sauce so I could only hope it tasted good.

Now I was done. I sighed. Thank goodness, now in about ten minutes or so we would find out who had won this competition, Greedling or me. After being on this show for a while, I had somewhat grown loyal to it.

Which meant I wanted to win.

That explained why my heart was beating all that little bit faster and why I kept glancing at Greedling and at the clock.

Thank the Gate when the two hours were finally up.

Now I'd be able to show them that I could cook.


Finally, this was the last session of me having to stand in awkward silence with Father. It was getting annoying.

As I turned my head to try and start meaningless and awkward conversation, I saw Father was completely ignoring me and entertaining himself by playing cards.


At least the awkward air had gone, what with him ignoring me. The only thing that was left for me to do in the two hours was to listen to Greedling talk to himself. Or Ling.

Boring as hell.


"You two, time's up!" Edward called once exactly two hours was up. Father shoved his playing cards up his sleeves as the two contestants carried their creations over to the judges. Both of the judges noticed that the dishes looked slightly different once they placed their dishes on the table. Both judges also noticed that both of the homunculus looked rather nervous.

"Okay, let's try Greedling's first so as not to break tradition," Edward decided while picking up a spoon and learning over to taste the food. Father followed suit, and for a few minutes they were eating Greedling's Chocolate Mud Pie. They finished the whole dish in a rather impressive time.

"Well, I'll go first," Edward volunteered while wiping chocolate off of his face. "It was utterly delicious, I'll be honest. It was creamy and crunchy at the same time, plus with the ice cream it has a mix of hot and cold which I quite like. Seriously, it tastes like something from a restaurant. However, I can taste a little bit too much vanilla essence in this. But I will give you fourty four points for this dish."

"Why only fourty four if you loved it?" Greedling demanded. Edward made a face.

"You put ice cream on it. Ice cream has milk. Even if it tasted okay."

"Damn you and your hating milk," Greedling grumbled.

"Greedling, it was highly enjoyable. The way that is was creamy yet had crunchy parts made it impeccable and I loved it. It was thick as well which made it rather tasty. The ice cream helped make it creamier and it was wonderful overall. I also give you fourty four points, as the vanilla essence was a bit too strong for my liking, and also I think it was a little bit too lumpy. For this round you have earned eighty eight points. For this competition, you have got two hundred and thirty one points in total." Father addressed Greedling.

"Two hundred and thirty one points huh? That's good enough for me," Greedling thought out loud.

"Well, now it's time to try Pride's dish."

Both of the judges bent over Pride's bowl of Chocolate Mud Pie and also finished it in a few minutes. Edward again had to wipe his mouth before looking at Pride.

"You know, at first your cooking was below average, but this dish is absolutely marvellous! I mean it, it was much better than what I expected from you. The fudge sauce was a great topping and extra to it, plus the filling was creamy and the crust was not too crunchy and it was very chocolate-y. I'm pretty sure there was some ice cream in this because I could taste a little bit of milk in there. But apart from that, this was a perfect dish. I will give you...fourty seven points out of fifty."

Pride had to hide his surprise. Was there actually a chance that he could win this?

"Pride, your starter dish was terrible which was a shame. But since then, you have been improving and it really shows in this dish. It was absolutely delicious and I can't really add anything else to what Edward said. Greedling has a total of two hundred and thirty one points...because I give you fourty nine points, you beat Greedling by two points."

Both of the competitors were silent for a few seconds.

Then Pride started screaming.


Greedling fainted from shock and annoyance.


Father went to visit the mansion that Pride was currently residing in to tell the other six homunculi and Edward that their time as servants to Pride was up. Father was rather curious to see what Pride had done to the rest of his children and wondered if any of them had any shred of their dignity still intact.

As Father went to knock on the door, he saw that it was answered by a disgruntled Lust. She was wearing her usual dress...along with cat ears.

"You," She growled as she pushed him against the door, "If you didn't come up with the idea for that damn cooking show, I wouldn't be forced to wear these stupid cat ears all of the time and I wouldn't be the brats personal assistant! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot father!"

Reluctantly she let go of him once it became apparent that holding him by the throat was choking him. Just then, Envy walked up to the two of them to see what was going on.

For some strange reason he was in lederhosen.

Father burst out laughing.

"Shut up old man!" Envy roared, tossing a metal watering bucket at his father's head, "I've been forced to be the gardener to the little shit's huge garden while in lederhosen! Don't think I won't take my anger out on you!"

Father managed to contain his laughter before saying "All right, I'm sorry. Can you take me to where Pride is? I need to speak with him."

Envy grumbled to himself as he led the way to Pride's private room, Father and Lust trailing behind him in silence. They arrived at a room with large doors which Envy unceremoniously opened. There Father could see what happened to the rest of his children*.

Sloth was currently lying down on the floor with a red carpet over his body (made of velvet) and sitting on his stomach was none other than Pride, grinning for the world to see.

"Hello Father, what do you think of what I did to the others?"

"You're very merciless," Father bluntly stated, "what about the others?"

"Oh at the moment Wrath is currently making some sushi with his swords for me," Pride explained, "But I can call Gluttony, Elric and Greedling. Gluttony, come over here!"

Gluttony emerged from the door Father came through and knelt down, allowing Pride to crawl on top of Gluttony's back. Pride was sitting on Gluttony like he was a pony.

Father pitied Gluttony.

"I know where Elric is, if you want to follow me," Gluttony started crawling to a room on the left side and when they entered it, Father saw Edward dressed in a white dress shirt and smart trousers with an apron covering his torso down to his knees. He was scowling and holding a drinks tray.

"What is it now Pride?" Edward scowled.

"I came to show Father what you're doing," Pride explained. Edward glared at Father.

"I hate you for re-writing the script," Edward grumbled.

"Where's Greedling?" Father asked.

"Probably sulking...he never really accepted me beating him," Pride thought out loud, "Let me call him. Greedling! Get over here!"

A few minutes later Greedling appeared, while wearing a lumpy bunny rabbit suit.

A pink, lumpy bunny rabbit suit.

Father swallowed his laughter.

"You see, because he was very reluctant to take on a role, he was forced to wear this. All he does is mope around here now." Pride told Father. All of the homunculi had gathered in the room now (Wrath was wearing an apron and chef's hat, and one of his sword's had a piece of sushi on it).

"Right. Anyway, I have an announcement. Today all of you are free from Pride's wrath. Run free my children~"

All of them, still in their costumes, ran out of Pride's house, shouting "I'M FREE!"

*Father shares Papa Hoho's blood so technically Ed is his kid as well in some messed up logic.

Lame ending is lame.

I feel kind of bad, because I think the majority of people wanted Greedling to win, even though I never intended for him to win. The reason he didn't is because he was the obvious choice, and I did that in Fullmetal Alchemist Celebrity Island.

Excuse me if the recipes for Chocolate Mud Pie (or anything in this fic) is incorrect, I have no cooking abilities whatsoever.

It's finally finished! I'm so happy~

-Snoring Tiger.