18 Things That Uchiha Sasuke Will Never Ever Tell You:
1) He once found Gai in his bathtub, naked as the day he was born and filled all over with strawberry-scented bubbles – and declaring that he was going to help Sasuke reach a night of everlasting youthful passion. It took two chidoris and a truth jutsu to finally get the overexcited shinobi to admit that he had lost a bet to Kakashi, and the dare for the losing party was to get Sasuke in touch with his much-denied feminine side. It also took two days of straight drinking to get the image of a naked Gai, jiggling all over while dancing the Macarena (and by all over, that meant all over), to leave his already-scarred mind.
2) When he was asked by Orochimaru after their special monthly training sessions what he would like to eat, his answer was always the same: ramen.
3) When he had first fit the standard costume of Akatsuki and became an official member, his first thought was not revenge and death. His first thought was actually this: Finally. I don't have to get stuck with the purple outfit anymore.
4) His most embarrassing moment had been finding two of his renegade teammates doing the deed on a crystal-clear river – with Karin practically screaming her pleasure at the top her lungs, and Suigetsu loudly whispering dirty words in her ear.
5) His second most embarrassing moment had been hearing them get it on again, while trying to stifle their moans, inside the makeshift tent that Juugo had built up for their one-night rest. They actually thought he and Juugo were asleep.
6) He had first lusted over his pink-haired teammate when he saw Shikamaru kissing her – a true testament to his twisted mind, he liked to believe.
7) After witnessing the kissing, he had then challenged Shikamaru to a round of Shogi, on the condition that the lazy genius leave Sakura alone should he lose. Because Shikamaru never lost, he took the condition. It was the first time that someone beat the lazy genius in his favorite game.
8) He had fallen in love with her when she punched him on the nose for calling her annoying.
9) Witnessing Sakura work an ice cream cone was like witnessing a live porn-in-the-making – all the licking, lapping, sucking and pleasured noises was enough to have him wishing he had worn his thickest pants. At least, when he wasn't wishing it was him she was doing that to.
10) The first time he went to his parents' grave after he returned to Konoha, he vomited nonstop, and had vicious nightmares for the whole week. Only the sight of a picture of Team Seven (which Naruto had stubbornly placed on his nightdesk) had him gripping on to his sanity, with the comfort that he was not alone anymore.
11) He had once worn a thong under his jounin pants when he lost to Lee in a taijutsu challenge.
12) He had once come home to his mansion to find it filled with multi-colored underwear, courtesy of his fangirls who claimed that they fantasized over him since he was twelve years old. They also claimed that the underwear had not been washed, so Sasuke could smell their natural odor and choose one of them as his wife through that.
13) Though he still loved wearing blue shirts, his favorite color was not blue anymore. It wasn't even pink. His favorite color was green – the kind that glowed pale in the sunlight, and turned into brillliant dark emeralds in the moonlight.
14) He would never fully forgive his brother for killing his family. But he would not stop loving him, even if it broke his heart every single time he replayed the memory of how his brother died to protect him.
15) However, the worst day of his life was not seeing his brother close his eyes for the last time. It was seeing Sakura taken to the hospital after a brutal mission, bloodied and near the brink of death.
16) Kissing Sakura for the first time was not explosive, like the fireworks Naruto had described when the blond kissed Hinata. Instead, kissing Sakura was like coming home - a steady warmth, a content flutter in the belly that made him understand: Finally. This was where he belonged.
17) Making love to Sakura, in the meantime...now, that was different. It did not feel like exploding fireworks. It felt like being blind and deaf as everything around him shattered, going blurry with intense, intense pleasure and joy - and the only clear thing in the world was her. Only her.
18) Lately, he'd gotten fond of the idea of having babies with pink hair and black eyes. He wouldn't even mind if it was a boy with that hair color.
He could always dye it black later.
a/n: Um. I'm insane? That's the only explanation for this fic.
Anyway, happy reading. :D