Disclaimer: I don't own Moon, although Duncan Jones once retweeted my lame H2G2 reference and it made my week.

This fic was inspired by an idea by kleenexwoman.

Human

I'll teach you to be human. Here: watch me, follow me, do as I do. It's easy; you'll get used to it- hey! Careful. You gotta watch the steps. See, you go down them like this, and up like this. ... You're welcome. Look... try not to talk to me. It's just really weird, you know? You still sound like a robot. You gotta... you gotta work on that. And the expressions, the... okay, see, that. That's what I'm talking about, GERTY. No one smiles like th- oh, now you're sad, great. Just... less extreme, GERTY. Yeah... yeah... something like that. Good. That's much less creepy. ... Me, that's who. I care. I can't live with some... creepy robot version of me going around. You'll give me nightmares, man.

Stop staring at the ceiling. You're not attached to it anymore. ... Anywhere you want, GERTY. Yeah... my room, outside, wherever. Just remember you need a... a spacesuit if you're going out. You'll need oxygen or you'll die. But not yet, okay? You're not ready yet.

Okay, what... what is that expression. ... That's not anticipation, that's I'm-a-psycho-who's-gonna-kill-you-ation. ... Yeah, that's not a word, I made it up, very clever, GERTY, good catch. ... I don't know, just... stuff, you know... You know me, GERTY. You know what I do. Human stuff. ... Yeah, sure, you could do them too. I could teach you ping pong if you like. Just hit the ball, let it bounce once- Yeah, that's our idea of fun. Look, do you want to be human or what? ... Thank you.

Okay, wait, why were you digging around my memories? That's private- Yeah, Tess. She's dead, okay? Gone. Years ago. It's over, GERTY. I'm over her. I never even knew her in the first- ... And what makes you think that? I'm not lonely, okay? I don't need- ...GERTY. Stop looking at me like- GERTY! I'm serious, I don't... I... GERTY? GERT-

...That was a hell of a kiss. Never do that again. Go to your room.

...well, yeah, fine, my room, our room, whatever.